Afraid of being alone

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Atthebeach
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 12/25/2006 1:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I hate this time of year. I live alone, my husband left me a year ago (we are almost divorced). My Dad died three years ago right before Christmas.  My family lives in another state, my best friend of 14 years moved in October because she lost her job.  I have no children, its just me and my dog. (who I love like family)  I have other friends, but they are with their families or out of town.  Since my husband and I split, some of our "couple friends"  have lost touch with me/us or feel like they have to choose sides.  I was hurt when a very good friend of ours sent my husband a card and not me.   A few people  have invited me (neighbors, coworkers etc) , but I feel its out of pity so I have declined. Last night after work I drank so I could go to sleep easily.   I am joining a friend later today for a dinner party but I spent the morning in bed and most of the afternoon crying and feeling lonely.  I dont care about the presents I just need human connection. 
 
 I have a guy friend who I have confided in who I think is also suffering from depression, and he said I am afraid of being alone.  He says he can go into solitude and not talk to anyone for two days.  I dont think Im afraid of being alone, I just enjoy human connection.  I am a talker, very social and outgoing, some people think I talk alot, most find it an endearing quality.  I have no problem going to the movies alone, gym alone etc.  I even have gone to a bar on occasion alone.  (sports bar - watch a game) Ive lived alone for a year. I read books which is something you do alone.  Occasionally I can take a day for myself (like after a stressful week at work etc) but most of the time after a several hours alone, I feel the need to call people on the phone, go shopping or do things that put me around people.  My guy  friend is one of those people who hates the phone and does not return phone calls or messages very often.  I talked to my therapist and she thinks its very healthy to want to connect with other people, and she would be concerned if someone did want to go into solitude for days.  She says that is unhealthy.  Am I just feeling sorry for myself?
 
 

wmnak
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/25/2006 9:55 PM (GMT 0)   
beach,
i don't think that you are abnormal in wanting to make contact with other human beings.  you might well be unhealthy if you didn't want to seek out your own species.  dogs are great (personally i prefer cats) but they aren't much for conversation and feedback.
 
i read your other post about giving.  apply that to yourself as well as to others.  in judaism is is a mitzva (joyous religious duty) to help others and it is also a mitzvah for others to accept the help.  why were you denying your associates th mizsvah of offering you warmth and friendship during the Holidays?  why did you deny yourself the miitzvah of accepting the offers?
 
just thoughts.  but i hope they may give you a didderent perspective.
 
warren

Dee75
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 12/25/2006 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Atthebeach!
I do think I'm affraid to be alone. I lost my husband last March. I too have a dog, I have anxiety/depression.I was doing fine and all at once I'm in a panic about being alone. I have a call to a theripist (hope to hear tommorrow). I'm going to join different groups at the Senior Center (I'm 77) I'm going to try to have a more social life. Hope to keep my mind of the loneiness.
I hope your are doing better and the Holiday's are almost over. LOL, Dee

jordaNZone
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 12/26/2006 1:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Atthebeach
I think you sound ready to move on to the next adventure in your life..as you live alone just now you can pick and choose what you do next and when..
Have you thought about travelling? Even if you have to save a little to do it..doesn't matter..
The world is waiting for you..you could redecorate..take up a new interest - like minded people getting together is great..reinvent yourself...can you upskill - maybe do a course...volunteer work is rewarding...

Maree

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/26/2006 2:56 AM (GMT -7)   
dee, i thought i was the oldesterson on this fiorum at 60. i gladly yield the dubious hoor to you. looks like you can hab\ndle it better than me.

warren

Dee75
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 247
   Posted 12/26/2006 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   
hang in there warren. Can't be many older than me. Theres a lot going on out there and I want get in on some of the action Dee

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/27/2006 6:16 AM (GMT -7)   
My mom has been divorced for 10 years now,she got a dog and a cat,and seems to be doing alot better. Although I feel she is going thru major depression as she just basically goes to work and then comes home and does not do anything else. I worry about her,but she says that she does not want another man and is better off being alone.
I know that after my divorce it took me about 3 years to get used to the kids going to their dad's. It is hard to have nothing but silence.
A pet is a great answer for being alone I think.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/27/2006 9:44 AM (GMT -7)   
sassy,
 
a divorce is like a death, but worse because you aty least know that your spouce is still there. it is also a tremendous blow to the ego:  why wasn't i good/smart/sexy/ etc enough to hold on to my spouce?  it doesn't matter how good or bad the marriage/living arrangements were, everyone who goes through a divorce faces the same problems and questions.
 
like with a death, a divorce requires a time for healing.  this may be one month or a year.  during this time the person simply is incapable of dealing effectively with life, the divorce, the children arrangements, etc.  some are never able to move on with their lives and require therapy or hospitalization - but these are rare cases.
 
it never hurts to go into therapy during or after a divorce.  there are usually (meaning always) questions/problems that a person simply cannot handle on their own.  this is not a sign of weakness.  it is a sign of great strength in acknowledging that you are out of your depth.
 
occationally a divorcee will  get stuck in anger.  my ex did this.  she poisoned all of my friends and our son against me.  now she is alone in a hopeless state in a mental instatution.  sad, but she made her own reality the same as we all do.
 
support your mother in every way you can - she needs it.  let her express her anger but don't let her get stuck in it.  encourage her to see a therapist if she doesn't seem to be making any progress after, say, six months.  let her know that she must release the anger and the relationship.  keep the good parts and memories and let the others go.
 
don't worry about your mothr, she'll be just fine.
 
hope this helps.
 
warren

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 12/27/2006 4:24 PM (GMT -7)   

Warren, I can see where you would say that divorce is like death...I went through a nasty one myself two years ago.  From reading all these posts though there is one common thing and that is that everyone who does go through a divorce deals with it differently and in their own way.  It is the hardest and emotionally shattering thing to go through but it can also be a positive step for a lot of people too.  My relationship with my husband was not healthy for me physically or mentally...did I want to get divorced? No, but I couldn’t take it anymore and left our home which resulted in him filing for divorce.  It was the best thing that ever could of happened.  I am free now and for the first time ever I can do what I want to do and that is such a good feeling. 

Also, these feelings that people do have when going through a divorce and afterwards are very personal...and hurtful.  Shy was only stating in her post how the effects of having pets have helped her mother after her divorce.  We don’t know if there is something more going on there and should not assume otherwise.  I would say if she hasn’t moved on after 10 years then she is holding some serious resentment towards men in general and has been abused in some fashion.  Who knows maybe she is just really lonely.  But it isn’t up to Shy to take the first step and push her mother to get better...It is up to herself and hopefully when she is ready (if she ever gets to that point) then she will get help. 


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/27/2006 7:30 PM (GMT -7)   
elisha,
 
you are partially right according to my research.  each individual deals with loss uniquely.  however, there are begaviors which transend individuals - indeed transend cultures.  it is these "universals" that i was using in my posting.  i think that everyone today is familiar with the stages of loss, leading, eventually, to acceptance.  anger is one of the most intence of these stages, which is why i stressed it in my post.
 
it is lovely that you were able to move along with your lidfe afterr your dovorce.  you may be the exception that proves the rule.  seriously, in my experience and in my research, lack of being able to move on - getting stuck - rules.
 
there are several reasons for this inability.  the primary cause, in my opinion, is the legal system and (spit) attorneys.  until recently, there had to be a reason or reasons to obtain a divorce.  i think it was in the late 50s that john rockefeller had to purjer himself by saying under oath that he had had an affair in order to get a divorce from his wife.  this purjery cost him the presidential nomination.  to legitimize their fees, attorneys "stir the bucket" to get their client to the point of taking all of the money from the bank accounts and run up charge cards.  it is also this stirring that will cause clients to hide assets.
 
i agree that each invividual is responsible for his/her own life/dreams/and hells that he/she creates.  but if i see a woman getting raped in broad daylight in the middkle odf madison avenue in new york, you can bet your bottom bippie that i will get involved.  not that i know the woman being raped, but because i believe that there is a bond between all things in the universe animate and inanamate.  if you fall down a flisgt of stairs and are unablke to move (as i was in 1991) wouldn't you want someone to help you?  my wife helped me (she is good at that - i wish i were as good).  if the daughter cares about her mother she should not push anything or anyone.  pushing builds resentment.  if i remember my words, i believe that  i said she should support her mother and encourage her mother.  these actions are very different from pushing, as a thermonucleur bomb is different from honest negotiation.
 
if you berleive that having a pet is the issue than you will never understand that going to dinner has nothing to do about eating.
 
i hope that this has disambiguaterd my previous post.  sorry if i have been blunt.  i had back surgery a few days ago and i hurt like bloody he**.
 
best wishes to you and everyone on this board for a happy new year.
 
warren
 
 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 12/28/2006 5:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Warren
I agree that sometimes divorce can be like a death. Except in my case my divorce was a "Birth". A new me that had enough strenght to walk out on a abuser.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 12/29/2006 2:20 AM (GMT -7)   

in chinese trigrams used for interpreting the i ching, there is a symbol that indicates danger and that also indicated opportunity.  i personally don't believe that death is final - and i don't mean living with jesus in a mansion with many rooms.  i the jeweish tradition, we are immortal so long as we are remembered.  because one can never speak ill of ther dead - even though the decedent may have a nasdty selfish sod - it is imcombant onevery believing jew to do good works  and in so doing to help to make this planet suitable for the mesdsiah or messionic age.  this is your immortality and it was this immoprtality that the ****s denied the jews in the death camps.  it is a sort of final death.

with every change there are many possibilities.  you invoked carpe diem and have capitalized on your strengths.  as i may have mentioned earlier in this thread, my ex-wife got stuck in anger and hurt and it distroyed her.  pity.  you and she should have been able to get together in 2970/71 and discussed possibilitied.  i belive that you both could have learned a lt from that ficticious exchange.

i am proud of you to have not caught up in teh crap of a divorce and used it as a sprinboard to carry you forward to new opportunitiedsand new heights that you would never have considered possible inyour previous state.  well done!  you are an inspiration to every man womanand child who undergoes the trauma of divorce.  you did good, girl!

warren


countrygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 550
   Posted 1/2/2007 6:06 PM (GMT -7)   

 Thats exactly it warren...what you said it hit me in your advice to the others I am grieving for my husband and marriage...Thats why the pain in my gut is so bad and inescapable

I wish everyone much love...and I understand I already know it will just be me and my young son and possibly my grown son.Cause it will be forever before I could even think of someone...


Take care everyone...I care


worrywart02
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/3/2007 1:14 AM (GMT -7)   
The title of your post caught my attention. Being alone is really scary. I have some issues that really need to be taken care of but I feel like I'm all alone. I'm 23 and my mom is so wonderful but she's also very fragile. I just hate talking to her about my problems beause I can't stand the thought of worrying her. I live pretty far from my family and sometimes I go many days without seeing another human being. Sometimes I want to be left alone but other times I can't stand the thought of being alone. I have had several failed relationships and the last one was the worst. I was with a man that meant the world to me and at first everything was perfect but then he started telling me I'm a piece of crap and not worth being loved by anyone. He said really mean things to me a lot and hung up on me all the time. One day everything would be fine and the next he would call cussing me out. I was terrified every time the phone would ring. I kept taking him back over and over again because I was tired of being alone. My self-esteem just hit rock bottom and I don't know what to do. I see a lot of the girls I went to high school with married and having babies. All of mycousins are married with children and there's me...alone. I lost the majority of my friends because of my ex-boyfriend. All I do is cry and I hardly ever sleep. The holidays are really bad for me too. Glad its over! I'm glad I found these forums. I'm suffering from anxiety and depression constantly and sometimes I just feel like calling it quits with my life.

wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 1/3/2007 2:56 AM (GMT -7)   
worry,
 
we all come into this world alone and we all leave this world alone.  unless you were born cecerian, there was noone to help you through the birth cannal.  and there will be noone there to watch your spirit leave your body.
 
there is a difference between being alone and being lonely.  i am so much pain from my back surgery that, even with an overdose of pain pills, i cannot sleep.  if i could i would cry.  my wife and cat are asleep.  i am, for all intents and purposes, alone in this big house in deep south texas.  i am alone.  but i'm not lonellly.  right now i am communicating with my cyber friends.  when i finishthis i will read (i just began a robin cook book - coma.  it looks good).even if i just sit and contimplate my navel, i am secure and happy with who, whare, and what i am.  this is far from being some kind of ego trip, one-upsmanship, or put down.  i am 60 years old and have good days and bad days, physically and emotionally.  but i know that the essence of mhy being - my spirit - is ok.  with that ok-ness i can carry on.  heck, i'm doing it right now through this pain with you.
 
ever read the book "the lonely croud"?  i believe it was written inthe 60s.  the author says that all of us are alone all the time and that even when there are groupings of us, we are still alone.
 
human beings are social animals.  in thelast issue of the aarp magazine (yes, i read that too) here is an article about experiments that scientists ae conducting on people and monkeys.  according to this article, it seems that our brains are wired for socializaton.  even just afer birth.  i take this experiment to mean that we may prefer to be with others, but that if we are not, we can be content with ourselves.
 
i hope this helps.
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
Some day you'll learn that a good bm is better than sex.
 
Insanity is defined as doing the same actions over and over again and expecting a different outcome.


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/3/2007 9:48 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi worrywart, I am sorry for how your feeling...I know it is most terrible.  23 to me seems so young to be thinking of being married and having kids...of course I am 33 divorced and have no kids so dont take me as an example or anything like that.  Anyway, my point is that you are very lucky to have gotten out of that abusive relationship.  You have a lot of time left in your life believe it or not to figure out what you want to do, become, or even be with.  When you get out of a relationship like that it is hard to see beyond the first minute to come but eventually you will get there and your self confidence will return as he sounds like the jerk and the one who had the problem not you.  You will move on with your life, but I am sure he will find it difficult to move on with his. 

Give some of your old friends a call...I am sure they would love to hear from you.  Especially since you ditched the bonehead. 


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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