Hi SB, Welcome to Healing Well forum, we are happy to have you join us here and know how hard it is to first post. I can’t relate to rape as you have described but I was sexually abused by my stepfather for many years as a small child. I can understand the holding your feelings inside and self blame very well. I think the hardest part is coming to realize that it was NOT your fault and you did not in any way shape or form did anything to deserve this or cause it.
You’re on the right path with seeing a therapist its hard I know. Even harder trying to make sure that you do open up and discuss all the issues that you need to discuss no matter how difficult it may be. This is really the only way to get it out and try heal from it. Perhaps your therapist can recommend a Psychiatrist that you can see who can assess you regarding these panic attacks and sleeping problems. There are many medications that can help if you are open to this.
Healing doesn’t come easily, I was 11 year old when my abuse stopped, I am 33 now and I do still have problems and most likely always will (panic attacks, depression, PTSD) but I do go to counseling and see a Psychiatrist and take medication to help with this. Some days are harder then others but know that it will get better. You have two son’s that need you in more ways than just physically, they need a mentally healthy mom so they can grow up in a positive environment. I hope that through counseling you will be able to resolve this in your mind and heart and be able to live without these demons in your head.
I am going to leave you a few links just incase you feel you may need them. You can save them to your computer if you want or they will be here if you on this thread for you. I hope you won’t need them. Please do keep posting here, everyone is so very supportive and kind I am sure you will find many who have been through the same thing and can offer advice. We are always here for you. Take care…
ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate
Hi Susanne, I can relate to everything you have posted here. I too have spent a great deal of my life putting on that same smile and pretending that I was fine and happy and pleasing others. My job and education was in mental health so you learn to seperate your feelings from others when working with them. But I learned this way before with my family and friends. It took me 10 months of going to my counselor to get to the details of my abuse...for me it was easier to say "I was molested" but actually detailing it I had never done before, just in my head over and over. It eats at you at little at a time.
I do hold much hope for the future but I just really take things a day at a time. I have forgiven myself for what happened and the child who didnt know any better. It does still hurt and is still there, but I like to think that I am trying to turn my experiance into something positive instead of letting it beat me.
I am glad that you have great support in your counselor that is wonderful. And I felt much the way you described after I detailed my experiance too. So hopefully this is your path to healing. Do keep in mind though that antidepressants sometimes stop working or lose their effect for some people so if your still feeling like this in a week or so you may want to call your prescribing doctor and ask for an increase or a change in medication just to ward off a worsening depression set back.
I too will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...keep up the hope things will get better