parent needs help

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eliz2f
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/28/2006 11:08 PM (GMT -7)   
  I need help from others who have a grown daughter who is depressed.  She has taken meds for ten years. She has had a vegus nerve stimulator installed. I know that takes time to help her, if it works?  My problem is not knowing how to deal with her obsessions. By supporting her I feel that I am only enabling her to continue with her behavior which is destroying our relationship. I cannot sit by and watch and listen to her her feelings all day long. Her moods affect the entire day. After all the meds and counciling she knows she is making very bad judgements but cannot seem to stop. I know her feelings are important but when does a parent insist? She has become sneaky and evasive, saying she is trying not to envolve me but actually envolving me by my having to rescue her from her actions that she sets up. She is angry all the time about events she sets in motion that do not meet her expectations. People she tries to control do not do everything she wants because they are emotionally drained.
When I discover things she has done do I confront her?  Do I just go along? Do I give opinions?   WHAT?

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 12/29/2006 3:01 AM (GMT -7)   

I eliz, Welcome to healing well forum, we are happy to have you.  It sounds as if you have been going through this for quite sometime now.  Is your daughter living with you?  Perhaps there is a community support system in your area that she can become involved with or join such as pathways that would assign her a caseworker, set her up in an apartment and help her with daily living skills.  This would take a lot of the pressures off of you hopefully.  Pathways Org. is nationwide so you can call your state Division of Mental Health to get information on it if this is something your interested in. 

As to your question or post, I would also wonder if she is bipolar as people who just have depression are not known for erratic behaviors as you have described here.  You could try talking to her psychiatrist if you have a release to do so.  Otherwise, I would set up specific boundaries with your daughter and stick to them.  It will be difficult to sit back and see her get herself into trouble but she will have to learn one way or another...Please do feel free to continue to post here as we have some very supportive people here always willing to help.  Take care and good luck with your daughter.


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


eliz2f
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/29/2006 9:05 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel better just hearing from someone not in the family so thank you.  My daughter is 49 yrs old and is now obese from meds. She believes in marriage, hoping to solidify and validate herself thru a man. Numerous marriages, numerous children. She is currently married but seperated as we had to rescue her 6 months ago from him.  He hasnow gotten a woman pregnant. She evidently is persuing him but he says to her that this is all her fault and she is convinced hes right. She is acting out toward me I believe so I will tell her to leave so hopefully he will take her back! This is her usual way of setting things in motion that our family has to deal with the aftermath.
She has expired all the mental health help available. She has loaded herself with debt, making it impossible for them to help her further as they will not pay her bills. If she does not pay them by being here free..........the debts involve her sons credit and they are alredy mad and frustrated with her actions.
I hope by posting other parents will respond and tell me how they handled this type of situation.

BOROSS
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 12/29/2006 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
please dont give up on her, my son was going through the same things it seem she is he made people dislike him even me at times he was moody,angrey, sneekie and it was due to how he felt about himself. my son mark age 25 ended his life last christmas day....i miss him sooooo much.he didnt re sorry i cant go on..mags

eliz2f
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/29/2006 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for responding.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 12/31/2006 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi eliz, Private mental health help is expensive and I can see where this would be a problem in her case from what you have described.  What I mentioned is state run and income based so it doesnt sound as if she would have any problems qualifying.  You can also try checking with Division of Family Services.  If she isnt working she may be elligble for medicaid and thus be able to receive mental health services that way. 
There are many programs out there that are geared toward helping people like this getting back on thier feet and become independant.  Perhaps, with the correct medicaitons and treatment she will get better.

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


hollygo
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/31/2006 7:54 PM (GMT -7)   
eliz, i agree with the bipolar thing. your daughter sounds just like my sister who had bipolar. hang in there. what ever the diagnosis, i know how absolutely taxing it is to live with!

eliz2f
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/31/2006 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
I have just written a reply to my other post so this may overlap. My main problem is how much I am helping her or just trying to MAKE her recognize how many times her bad judgements have ruined all her relationships that she blames on depression.
I am just venting................
I feel like when a person drives up to a stop sign on the road..........they make a descision to stop! or they run the stop sign! and they can't blame that on depression. Am I wrong?

hollygo
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/31/2006 9:09 PM (GMT -7)   
no, your not wrong. it really sounds to me like she isn't capable of having rational thoughts or behavior and it sounds more like bipolar rather than good old fashion depression. as long as you try to talk sense in to her, you will continue to beat your head against a brick wall. there is no rationalizing with someone like that. has any doc even considered the possibility of bipolar disorder?

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 12/31/2006 9:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Eliz2f,
 
Welcome to the board, I hope we can give you some useful information.  From your description, it does seem that your daughter may be bipolar from her erratic actions.  It certainly doesn't seem that your daughter if capable of caring for herself or her family.  It seems obvious that whatever medication she was taking was not the right kind to deal with her issues. 
 
I can relate to this from the opposite side of the coin, as I am the grown daughter, requiring some support from my parents, but without any of the hurdles your daughter still faces.  You are going to have to take some control away from her, but in a constructive way.  Tough love.  You have to make it very clear to your daughter that you are willing to help her, but that she has no choice but to follow your action plan.  If she puts up resistance, you will put her out on her own with no more assistance.
 
I got divorced five years ago (no children) and became officially Disabled about two and a half years ago.  I understand how some psychiatric medications can make you obese.  I had a gastric bypass five years ago, and I never quite made it to my goal weigh, but after taking Depakote for eight months, I put back on quite a few pounds.  It also gave me dry mouth, which destroyed all my teeth and brough back a longterm bout of TMJ.  Technicallly, I am disabled due to chronic migraine attacks, several back problems, chronic depression, and panic/anxiety disorder.  I cannot work at any decent functioning level, thus I applied for SS Disability, which was approved the first time through.  I live by myself, but have to rely on my parents for numerous things.  My disability check is not quite high enough to cover all my expenses, even with my Medicare coverage.  My parents have to fill in the gaps, and I have very high medical expenses, particularly prescription costs.  I would never wish this situation on anyone.
 
I know you feel some responsibility for bailing out your daughter from the mess she has created for herself, but it must be a partnership.  I see the toll it takes on my parents.  First, you have a number of issues to address.  Where she lives is an issue, and I don't think having her under your roof is going to work for either of you.  I agree with ELS that you should pursue some type of housing project like Pathways, which provides both a roof over her head, as well as some other needed services.
 
You didn't mention if she has any children currently living with her.  If so, they should probably remain with you until your daughter can get a better hold of her life.  If she has any children under 18, I would suggest a temporary custody agreement, with you taking care of the minor children.  Along with this, there should be any child support filing that would be appropriate.  Help with these should be available through Social Services or local Legal Aid.  While you are dealing with legal issues, you can try to get you daughter to file for divorce and alimony.  If nothing else, temporary spousal support would be a start.  Suing for Alienation of Affection is also a possibility, since the hubby knocked up somebody else.
 
The son with the credit problem I am assuming is over 18, and should be forced to take on the responsibility himself.  If he got into it himself, he needs to get out of it himself.  If your daughter or you are listed as co-signers, you need to have those moved strictly into his name.
 
As far as you daughter's health problem go, including mental health, she needs to apply for SS Disability ASAP.  It sounds like she has enough documentation from Health providers to get her case approved fairly quicky, without need of a lawyer.  Once on Disability, she will get a monthly stipend to pay for some of her expenses, then eventually she will automatically qualify for Medicare, which should cover most of her medical expenses.  Since this process does take a while, look into Free Clinics or Reduced Fee medical centers so your daughter can get appropriate help now.  There are several mental health medications that actually have weight loss as a side effect, which definitely couldn't hurt.
 
I'm drawing a blank now on any additional tips, except that maybe you could find a local support group for yourself, and perhaps a little medication might help with your nerves as well.  My parents have done both.
 
Good luck and let us know how things are going.  We're here for you.
 
Leigh Ann cool
 

"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett


eliz2f
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/31/2006 11:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for writing! I posted onparent needs help andalso on how did your parents cope with you? so my responses have been switching back and forth so let me explain to all readers on some of the issues.
She is 49. Been on SSI for 10 yrs. She had never worked, married and married and married. Her youngest lives with relatives 100 miles away and is in college. The reason she is here now is another broken marriage to a drunk that owes court bills DUI bills and thousands of dollars for his old unpaid child support,so I have helped for 2 years untilshe finally had to move in with me because he has another woman preggers.
She is on Medicare and Medicade. Covers her meds and phy and medical dr bills. There is housing if she could live alone but she has indebted herself and me to where she cannot afford even the low rent, utilities and the phone, plus gas for her numerous meeting with social services, Dr's and therapy. Even when she was able she did not comply to their requests so they are not going the extra miles for her as they also are tired of the irresponsible behavior. Also to set the record straight to all who may have been confused about the large charge card she has used .....it was without her son's knowledge! If it is not paid it will certainly effect him and his family as she got this card in HIS name while he was in Iraq. To put it bluntly he would { if he finds out} disown her completely. So that must be paid therefore reducing her SSI even farther. She also is not honest with her therapist. If I entervine and talk about her truthfully she comes unwound and seethes with anger towards me.
I am trying to reach a compromise we can live with each other without too many scars that will follow me to my grave. One day at a time

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/1/2007 12:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi eliz2f...Wow, I'd just like to say what a fantastic supportive parent you have been..my goodness you deserve a gold medal :)) You know that although your daughter has many areas in her life that she struggles with..at the end of the day she is really accountable for them and sometimes we become a little too dependent on those around us to help pick up all the pieces when things go bad..it's so easy for us to just to whisk in and sort it all out..this may sound harsh but sometimes us parents have to take a step back when there's a prob and question how the heck it all happened...then question the child involved asking how 'they' intend to solve the prob..and the decide if our help is necessary..it's always hard to be a back seat driver..and a learning curve for all lol. I am wondering if you manage to have a life for yourself amongst all this?

Take good care.

Maree

 


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/1/2007 8:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi eliz, I worked in the mental health system for many years.  Perhaps since your daughter isnt able to live in an apartment on her own you can check and see about a community support service facility.  Residential care for adults that are mentally ill that are unable or unwilling to care for them selves.  These places help the clients learn basic living skills and eventually "hopefully" they are able to get out and get an apartment on their own with supervision from the agency that places them.  They also take care of mental health services and medical care.  Which would aleviate alot of this from you.  You can find these type of agencies from Department of Mental Health in your phone book...

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/1/2007 9:55 PM (GMT -7)   

Wow eliz2f,

You have really been through the wringer for your daughter, who has clearly taken advantage of you.  You need to put her out of your house, before she drags you into any more of her drama.  You have gone way above and beyond your duty as a mother.  Time to stop.  Give yourself a break.  

Actually, she has probably dragged you into legal trouble, regarding the credit card she got in her son's name.  You have been helping her out monetarily, which ties her finances to yours.  There no way to differenciate what she did with any money you gave her, so she can claim that you were in on the scam.  You need to protect yourself and cease supporting your daughter in any way regarding her finances.  She should be getting her own lawyer to file for divorce and any possible alimony (and probably to defend her in court).

In clear terms, your daughter has committed credit card fraud, which I'm pretty sure is a felony.  Just by opening the account in her son's name, without his prior knowledge or approval, is a felony.  If you gave her any money once you found out about the card, you unfortunately have made yourself an accessory to credit card fraud, especially since you chose to not to tell your grandson.  You need to talk to a lawyer immediately, first regarding your legal position regarding the fraud, then about how to properly inform your grandson.

By not informing him immediately when you found out, you allowed your daughter to take advantage of you and put you squarely in violation of the law.  You need to inform your grandson immediately, as his credit has already been affected.  Not to mention that you have covered for your daughter again, while throwing your grandson to the dogs.  Your grandson needs to contact the credit card company and report the account fraud. 

This will also have to go through the legal system, in order to get this account cleared from his credit record.  I'm not sure how the three credit bureau's go about clearing his record, but it needs to be taken care of immediately, especially if there were late or missed payments.  It's a real pain to get a credit problem resolved, and your poor grandson is going to have to come back to the states to a big mess.  He's going to feel betrayed by his mother and by you.  You should think long and hard about what you are going to say to him, so you don't become estranged.  A lot of people in your position never reclaim an amicable relationship with the injured party.

Sorry for such a long post.  I've been very long-winded lately, probably because I never go out and talk to people.  Please distance yourself from your daughter and her problems before it totally destroys your life.

Best of luck and let us know how you are doing.

Leigh Ann cool


"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett


eliz2f
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/2/2007 12:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Leigh Ann. All these postings were made by me when she was not here so I had to try to find answers from others. I saw it was difficult for people to reply without knowing more details soI expressed my feelings here because I felt having a deep discussion with her, me showing any anger or frustrations would add to the conflict.
Since my first post was answered I felt relief enough to actually set her down and make her listen to my side. She says I have always been so strong and she has been ill so long it became a habit as she knew I would always be there. She just now realizes I am old now! A lot more talk went on as I pointed out all the new things I had discovered. She can not be rude and hatefull to me anymore, knows she cannot move at this time but while she was not here it was made clear to her by the weird husband that he was not ever going to take her back. And that is funny because it was him who got another woman pregnant! and he was the one that was abusive!
Leigh Ann, the concern I had for the credit card in my grandsons name was with his knowledge 3 years ago and she has made each and every payment. It was that I never knew about it and just accidently found the statement when she was gone for that few days. That also explained why she could not save any money here to move into low income housing. That was why she sabatoged the meetings with mental health housing because she was afraid I would find out about the card when they would have to qualify her income. Now she knows I know so she can be more truthfull about her doings. We will work it out somehow as she knows she is slipping more and we talked about her entering a center. Have a kind thought for us and thank you. Happy New Year to everyone.

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/2/2007 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey eliz2f,

Thanks for clearing up things regarding your post.  I can relax now.  I was just visualizing you being halled off in handcuffs.  Whew, I so glad that situation is cleared up.  I'm proud of you for sitting your daughter down and laying out the ground rules.  Now that I know you're OK for now, I'm going to bed.  I'm having an epidural in my lower spine for some major back problems in the morning.

Have a good one,

Leigh Ann cool


"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett

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