I feel myself sliding. I am travelling the road towards despair again and the path is so worn out now the ride is getting bumpier. For the last few months I thought it was getting better, I am kidding myself. I hear people talk of the beauty in life, in the strangers gesture that makes their day all the better, but I don’t see it, I don’t hear it. Why can’t I open my eyes to the world? I just see the bad in everything, I can’t trust anyone. Metaphorically I am finding it hard to breath.
I feel that I am going backwards mentally. I seem to be spending my time thinking of what was, what could have been and all the bad unforgivable things that have happened to me. I was homeless as a teen, I was raped by three men over days, I can’t have children, I can’t get on with my family know matter how hard I try. I thought I was though it all with my head held high. But the truth is I am so desperately lonely, I feel so isolated, I can’t seem to make friends because I can’t trust and I don’t help myself by putting myself in situations that would allow me to make friends. People would never know the state I am in - I work, I have a good marriage, although I can’t burden my husband with how I feel, I have money in the bank – although not much, I have a nice car. Materialistically I am fine. It is the rest of me that is not – the important bit. Last year in the summer I became pretty much suicidal. Am I travelling that road again? I sincerely hope not. It is not the answer to anything. Deep down I think I know life can be beautiful if I let it. But I just don’t know how to do it. I am withdrawing and I am frightened.
I just don’t know what to do next. I know that this isn't how I want life to be, but I just seem to be unable to put myself first.
Hi Wizzer, It is so very hard to let go of the past when your past has formed who you are today. Most of us who have been subject to sexual assult of some kind can relate to that and no matter how much your able to get over it or except it the fact remains that it is still there in your head right along with all the other negative things that have occured in our lives. I dont know what the answer is perhaps it is differant for each of us. For me counseling helped, and trying to come to terms with the fact that it wasnt my fault and I didnt have control.
I agree with what Shy has posted that you do need to have some trust in your husband and talk to him about your feelings. Let him help you through this. I also wondered what pulled you through last summer? Did you go to counseling? Did you see your primary doc and ask for an antidepressant? If you know you have depression and are taking an antidepressant then you may want to talk to your doctor about adjusting the dosage.
I have always believed that we sometimes have to fall back alittle inorder to keep moving forward. I know it sucks but it does seem logical...Please keep posting and let us know how your doing.
ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate
thanks for your thouhts and comments.