takecare all :) more ramblings from me..

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greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/4/2007 9:39 AM (GMT -7)   
morning all:)
 
sorry that i disappeared, had some trouble with my computer ended up reinstalling windows.. im not really great working under pressure or when someone watches me i can't demonstrate any of my skills, i freeze up... so it took awhile..
 
i hope you have a good xmas and new years, been in contact with my dad, i think hes got a drinking problem, his emails dont make much sence and hes spelling simple words wrong.. i know he drinks because the other day we had to call an ambulance because he was lieing on the drive way at his place unconcious, he ended up in hospital, but i guess he never learns or gives up the bottle.. it worries me because my mum and bro know that hes been drinking alot but he just keeps on doing it so we dont know what else to do...
 
im doing okay feeling better, still abit stressed at times, my main stress has been abuot my computer and the need to get it fixed.. i've been working hard on it.. mum ekpt asking me how i was going which in the end felt like she was putting pressure on me to it the job done, i try not to tell her anything until im ready or have finished but i feel she puts alot of pressure on me to complete or do something.. which makes me stressed out and short tempered..if she has trouble with her computer i feel like shes accusing me and making it my fault, so i try to play it down and explain that windows sometimes does crash unexpecptaly from time to time...
 
going to the shelter this morning, im going to take it easy, one of my main diffculties is feeling really uncomfortable when my mate aint around to talk too.. ive decided to see if i have enough time just to sit with the animals for abit just on my own and try to think positive throughs...
 
my mate finally sms txted me which was great! wasn't expecting an answer, so yesterday we have been sending each other txt messages! :) it felt good to just talk to someone anyone from the comfort of my own home, without mum stressing about the phone going all the time, so txting is great it doesn't distrib the peace and mum doesn't know anything about whats happening, which is even better!
anyway best get organized
takecare all! *hugs*

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/4/2007 11:44 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey greymouse,

Sorry you are still having conflicts with your Mom.  I have the same problem and don't even live with her.  She'll tell me to do the same thing over and over again.  It makes me nuts.  All she does is complain about my Dad not cleaning up the basement.  He spends a lot of time working outside or on the computer.  She just does craft stuff between her various outside activities.  It's not like she's cleaning either.  She is very double standard that way.

I about lost my mind when my laptop died.  I tried everything to keep it working, new hardware, new software.  Luckily, I copied most of my "important" files off onto a backup memory stick.  I got an new laptop, but it's totally different, so I don't know how most of it works.  The worst part is when I'm using it and one of my cats walks over the keys.  They do all sorts of wacky stuff to the screen, then I have to figure how to undo it.  Plus, it has a wide screen, which was so weird to get use to.

My parents were making me crazy over the Holidays, especially Christmas day, because I spent too much money, and took too long wrapping packages.  Of course, the only thing I got that I wanted was a specific calendar that I showed to my sister.  I asked my parents for an I-POD, but I'm sure my Dad didn't even mention it to my mother, who would have hit the roof over the cost.

My mom thinks I take to much medication and wants me to get off as much as I can.  She doesn't realize I need more medication, not less.  She doesn't understand the depression, or the fact that it takes all I can muster just to get through a day.  She's always pushing me to do things, when I'm in so much pain I can barely move.  I'm not on Disability just because I didn't feel like working.  She is very stubborn, and it takes moving a mountain to get her to change her mind about something.

Going to log off now.  I've got to install MS OFFICE PRO.  Oh, boy.

Leigh Ann cool


"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/5/2007 3:34 PM (GMT -7)   
hey cranky1
 
yeah its no fun reinstalling and fixing things on computer! you gotta keep going until abit of hardware works otherwise you may forget what you've already tried and hardware doesn't like been left in limbo without drivers our else windows has a fit..
and then come the irq conflicts and blue screen crashes yay! always takes longer then you expect too! thanks billy gates!
 
my mum does craft stuff too mainly beading at the moment, she does make nice beads bracelets and jewerly..
 
hey your mum sounds like my mum, she wants me off my medication too, she complains you take to many pills you dont need it all that crap! it hurts when she says that because she doesn't know what its like either, somedays can be hell and am lucky to be alive at the end of it.. i always try to hide taking my meds from her, doing it when shes not around to avoid comments, i wish i didn't have to take them but its the only thing keeping me alive at this moment without something to break my mood i would go down hill fast like a brick dropped into water.. do you know what i mean? i wish she did.. in my dreams i guess! depression is all in my head, think positive and ignore what people say and think she'll say..
 
what do you do when things get like that? i hide in my room, hide what im watching on tv or on the radio by switching it off, and try not to alk to her about anything until after i have finished otherwise it feels like she puts pressure on me to do what i said i would.. like if i say im planning to take a shower and take to long to do it she'll pester me, are you gonna take that shower NOW? so now i wait till im ready and have time and tell her then and there to avoid any pressure from her..
takecare!
 

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 1/5/2007 8:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey greymouse,
 
Our moms are so much alike.  Just wondering, how old are you?  I'm 41, and have been divorced for five years.  I live in a two bedroom townhouse by myself with my three cats, but my parents only live about a mile away, which at least gives me a little break. 
 
My depression is really bad most of the time, but I don't show the major symptoms.  I don't lie in bed all day because I can't sleep in my bed.  I have major back problems and have to sleep in a recliner.  I'm more of a night owl, because I don't like to sleep.  When I sleep, I have bad nightmares, so I either wake up really depressed or sometimes even with a migraine.  I am officially Disabled, so my activities are limited by my chronic pain. 
 
I've kind of regressed back to 21, when I did wild and wacky things, and was mostly carefree.  I got a spikey punk haircut and dyed it magenta.  My mom is contantly on me to let it grow out and dye it back to its natural dark brown.  I got both of the cartiledges at the tops of my ears pierced, and got my eyebrow re-pierced.  My parents were not happy.  They threatened to disown me if I got a tatoo.
 
I wear black t-shirts with sayings on them all the time, lots of spikes, handcuff and skull earrings, and lots of black leather.  Needless to say, they don't like the look.  I just got a bunch of Buffy the Vampire stuff, both clothes and other collectibles.  It's my absolute Favorite Show of all time.  They still air episodes on FX at 6 or 7am.  They are not pleased with my appearance, but since I don't have anyone to impress, I dress the way I feel comfortable.
 
Nothing in my life turned out the way I wanted it to be.  I never expected to be alone with no husband, no children, no house of my own.  My future doesn't look very bright for me.  Because my health problems are chronic, I will probably disabled for life.  I'll never be able to have a career that I enjoy, no family, a very limited income, and a never-ending string of doctor appointments and surgeries.  My shortterm memory was permanently affected by a drug my doctor had me on at way too high a dosage.  My movitation to do things is about nil, and I have no friends anymore to hang out with or talk to.  The few I had when I moved back to town have totally blown me off.  It's very lonely. 
 
I live in this dark black hole, but it doesn't show on the surface.  I have a very sarcastic wit, and most people see on the outside.  If someone asked me how I'm doing, my regular response is "Rotten, but thanks for asking."  They usually gets a laugh, but I'm really telling the truth.  My parents want me to join a support group, but who wants to sit around talking to a bunch of depressed people.  Once I had to go to a group therapy session, when my psychologist decided I needed to stay overnight in the hospital.  I was stuck with a bunch of crazy people acting like they should be on the Jerry Springer show.  A total waste of time.  I've been in counseling for several years, but the only thing I get out of it is I get to vent to an unbiased person.  They've never actually given me any worthwhile advise.  I guess that's why my posts get so long and windy.
 
Going to shut up for now.  I've got a big financial talk hanging over my head, which my parents keep alluding to.  They are making me crazy, not dangling it over my head.  I wish they would just say what they mean.  I don't make enough on disability to cover my monthly expenses, especially with medical/dental costs, and they are really hyper about how much credit card debt I've got.  They knew I was running short every month, but didn't make any set arrangements to augment my checking account for over two years.  Hence, why I put so much stuff on credit cards.  I've been indulging in a lot of on-line retail thereapy, and  I've got a ton of credit cards with big balances.  I've got to do some juggling before I talk to them, and figure out what I can leave out of the conversation.  Wish me luck.
 
Let me know how you are doing,
Leigh Ann cool

"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett


greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/9/2007 1:23 PM (GMT -7)   
hey cranky 1

most of what you say i can relate too, most of what your saying sounds like me too.. I love buffy! and angel! i've been collecting eps from the bargin bin when i go to the big city! at the moment they are playing the last season of angel again on tv we've just had the ep "shells" where fred dies, i love the fighting scenes very matrixy, very cool! some of the eps in the last seasons of buffy where amazing, and the final battle at the end was awesome! what happened to charisma carpenter? she was in coma for the end of the last season.. did she have a dispute with the writers?

i know how you feel, like me im a lost cause, not knowing what to do, missing out on so much stuff which normal people do.. being shunned and hated and gossiped about i dont think i can ever be normal..

i was dropped by my thrapist because i wasn't doing anything she told me to do, so she got sick of me, i know its my fault, and i wasn't truely honest with her anyway, just venting was good.. so now i vent on here or else i will just get worse keeping it all inside..

i sleep okay but i have the help of medication to make me drowsy enough to sleep without it my head goes on all night non-stop, keeping me awake..

i know what its like to feel alone, i have been tiring to reach out to a friend at work, but its hard because you dont want to cross the line where you make the other person uncomfortable.. i dont think i can ever be as honest as i can on here.. im too afaird of everyone or anyone who tries to get close to me, it scares me..

being afaird like that has left me friendless and loveless.. thats how i feel but nobody knows how alone it can feel..

when i get home i hide in my room most of the time, i feel safest with the curtains closed, and at night im in my room with the light off rocking & listening to music.. night time i like because noone calls on the phone and nobody can see me there in the dark..

please write back..

greymouse
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 33
   Posted 1/14/2007 12:47 PM (GMT -7)   
hi there,
 
hey you okay cranky1?
 
just needing to vent and rant over the last few days..
i've had a rough few days, one problem i had was with something i brough and though my brother would be interested, he was complaining to me that he didn't have a dvd-rom drive, so because i was buying one that day i offered it to him, at the time he said yes, so i said i need to test it and the next time you come over i will give it to him../ then he came over i said im going to test it now would you like to come see, he looked annoyed that i asked him to come and have a look, i couldn't get it working on my old style computer, but knew my brother would have a better chance in getting it going because his computer was alot newer, but he turned it down! he had it in his hands and said you can have it, but he started umming and ahhing and didn't want it in the end! so i wasted all my time and energy trying to please him but he rejected me.. my guess is that he wasn't interested because he would have to do some work / research to see if he could get it too work...
 
my dad does the same he would complain to me about a computer related problem, i would spend days researching the problem and coming up with answers to try, and hes not the least bit interested in trying or looking at any of it! humff learnt my lession now.. that just hurts and upsets me because they both keep rejecting my help..
 
me and my bro went went to town to exchange a dvd because it had scratches on it, and he didn't check the disc before or after he brought it home.. boy did they make a big deal out of it! you could clearly see that the disc had scratches on it, and the shop attendants (k-mart) where make a huge fuss over it! they wanted to know when i where it locked up, it could lock up anywhere in the movie! they loaded it into a brand new dvd player, of course the dvd wont play up as bad on it the laser head is brand new! which is unreleasitic! most people have had there dvd players for many years so there laser head anit so good any more! and if it plays every dvd in his collection they will all work execept the one he was returning! so do we have to buy a whole new dvd player just for one movie?? i dont think so! in the end we went to the manager and explained what the story was and the ebst he could do is give us a gift votcher! not even our money back! and the worst part is, they could have exchanged it! because all that would have happened is that would send the defective dvds back to paramount and they would get a refund so they would loose nothing! it was hard because my stress levels where getting to the top, and it felt like i was having a panic attack.. diffculty breathing..
 
takecare all
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