not doing so good today, in fact over the last few days ive had a pretty rough ride.. I was okay on the weekend, but as per useual when i start feeling good about myself, life, something hits me like a ton of bricks and it brings me down to the bottomless pit.. yesterday i went to town, everything went wrong again.. i just feel sick walking down town.. i screwed up in the bank and apologised, i was pleased to be home to see the neighbour mowing the lawns, i think she noticed me looking at her a few times so she stopped and went inside! now i feel like a creey perv, thats why i dont like getting better because i dont know how to behave myself when im feeling good.. makes me feel sick..
yesterday i had an uncontrollable obession with a freind, i kept going outside to see if she txted me, and she would hardly txt me back ie she didn't want to talk to me, i felt gutted because i needed someone to talk too.. i get so obessed that i feel sick in my stomic, and my mind goes on and on and i can't snap myself out of it.. i took 3 diazepam instead of 2 just to try to calm me down, it scares me my reaction to people thats why i hide because i dont know what creepy thing i would do next.. and the fact i can't control my obession freaks me out... so when i get to work on friday i'll be very quiet and prob not talk to her as i used too because im afaird, maybe afraid of anyone becoming close to me, i use obession as an excuse to push people away.. i dunno..
i wish i was normal, but i dont think i'll ever be okay, ever! i dont like the person i become when i feel good, making stupid comments or doing stupid things.. maybe i'll never get better and people will be so disgusted by my behaviour that i'll end up alone anyway... whats the point to all?
ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate
i used to get like that when i was really depressed. The reason you think things are worse when you are feeling better is because you tend to go out more when you're feeling better and experience more interactions with people and situations, than when you are depressed and hiding away, or trying not to be noticed.
I used to think poeple were staring at me, or ignoring me, but half the time they hadn't even noticed me, or they had noticed me but were so screwed up with something in their own lives they didn't acknowledge me. It's not necessarily because people don't care, believe it or not the majority of them have their own anxieties, worries, and fears in their lives, and they don't differ all that much from our own. They are working hard to fit in too, and not to embarrass themselves too.
I find these days because although i cope a lot better now, i still say or do the wrong thing, or get nervous and end up babbling about something and getting wierd stares! I usually just say to someone, 'sorry i'm feeling a bit nervous', or 'i don't know what to say', or 'i'm feeling a bit down today' etc.... Most people usually accept honesty and usually respond well to it, as long as i don't end up going off in great graffic detail about my problems!
The way i did it was to just go out a bit at a time, a little every day. Just a walk around the shops even if i'm not buying anything, a walk in the park, a sandwich in a cafe. Anything to get me out, eventually it lessons the fear of going out and being around people.
Eventually when i was comfotable going out i'd slowly start talking to people, small steps again. At first just saying 'hello, hi, or good morning etc....' until i was comfortable doing that much, and then building up to having small conversations with people; 'this queue is long' etc.... It's all about small managable steps and building them up gradually. That old expression, not learning to run before you can walk etc.... Decide what you can manage and do a little bit every day.
Apologies for above, i'm training to be an occupational therapist, my whole life has become about breaking big tasks down into smaller managable ones!
I used to distance myself from people too, because at least there's no risk of getting hurt by anyone, but i like taking a bit of a risk now and getting to know people, because those relationships and friendships are essential in life. I used to put myself down a lot too, because that way if i was already at the bottom of the pile, no one could push me down further. I still hunch over when i'm walking around to make myself smaller and less noticeable, and eye contact is still a huge problem, but again small steps. I make an effort to hold my head up and look at people when they are talking to me. You just have to go by what kind of day you're having, some days feel better than others, and you can do more in than others. The key is to listen to yourself and see what you can manage, and look after yourself, so you're not doing too little and hiding away day after day, and you're not doing too much and not coping with it all.
I have full confidence in you that you can overcome your social anxiety because you go to work every day, which is a lot more than i could manage back then, so you're doing really well already. I think you need to treat yourself to whatever makes you happy once in a while; a video, a takeaway etc...., and learn to praise yourself as well as berate yourself; 'this i did well today, that was ok, that was not so good but i'll try again another day'. It's ok to not get things right, that's part of being human, we make mistakes. And it's ok to make slow progress as long as you are always moving forwards, it doesn't matter at what rate, whatever is managable to you,
Best Wishes, and take care,
Post Edited (saeharr) : 1/20/2007 3:10:55 PM (GMT-7)
Thanks Maree, that's sweet
Well Greymouse, just saying that happens to all of us, well it happened to me today lol!!!! I bumped into an old friend from the county i used to live in; he knew me when i was severely depressed. I made the awful decision to go up to him and have a quick chat, because although i was pleased to see him he was squirming uncomfortably from the outset!!!! It was the most awkward horrible conversation i've had in years! All the time i was trying to talk to him he was almost taking one step back to get away from me! I was the one doing most of the talking; asking how he was getting on, and sayin about my son etc...., because he would hardly speak, whilst he was trying to subtly escape from me! I was wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole, because of course once you enter a one to one conversation with someone you cant just step out of it if it isn't working, you have to carry on until the bitter end lol!!!! Anyway if the humiliation of him not wanting to talk to me and almost falling over himself trying to back step away wasn't bad enough, i then made the fatal mistake of trying to give him a friendly cuddle goodbye! OH BOY! It was like cuddling a stiff plank of wood lol!!!!
Then once you have left said conversation because your nerves are shot to bits and you are fraught with anxiety you tend to then drop almost everything you pick up, walk into things, and generally be in the way of people! I was like that all around the supermarket, whilst muttering to myself, 'sorry for being in the way ALL my life!!!!' And the final insult came when i tried to pull my bag off the roof of my car (which i put up there whilst i unlocked the car), the car aerial caught my bag strap and twanged me in the face!!!! Yep, that was a fantastic morning! But hey, i survived it, a little bruised, embarrassed, and humiliated, but still here to tell the tale lol!!!!
So you see Greymouse, do not fear, you are not alone in these humiliating and trial testing escapades!!!! Were all out there!!!! As long as you can have a laugh at yourself, even just a teensey one, after the process of the anxiety, and the obsessing over what you said, or didn't say (and believe me i did A LOT of obsessing over that conversation today! My pride has shrunken a bit, but is slowly re-inflating!!!! ), but i'm giggling now that i've got over the mortifying bit! lol!!!! 'Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves for we shall never cease to be amused!'
Lots of love (and mildly red cheeks!),