Yesterday I got a letter from my therapist that suggested i look into a program at one of the local medical centers called "Resiliency Training." It "advocates treating depression with a blend of Western medicine, Eastern philosophy, lifestyle changes and sprituality." It is not a program to treat depression on an acute level, but an 8 week course that works in various ways to help you strengthen your natural resiliency so they are less likely to become depressed or develop chronic diseases. I am not sure I am interested, but I was interested in at least finding out more about it, and asked my husband what he thought. Then he tells me he doesn't see me as "depressed" but "defeated." He says sometimes he sees me happy and energetic, therefore depression is not my problem.
I didn't know what to say. In his mind it seems someone is only depressed if they are crying or laying in bed all day. I can function at times by distracting myself, making myself keep busy, but as soon as I am an idle i am flooded by negative thinking. The smallest bump in the road can make the whole world come crashing in on me. I may be smiling at times, but there is this river of depression that flows underneath it, behind this, ready to flood the banks at any bend.
Is he just in denial? It seems so, at least at times. Yet, when he is burnt out he tells me how hard it is to deal with my "huge mood swings." He also will lay this trip on me that I will not recover until I change on a spiritual level, as if I just have to make a decision and everything will go away.
In case you have not read my other posts,I was in a bike accident a year and a half ago, hit by a car, and now have chronic pain, severe fatigue, and symptoms from a head injury. I get overloaded by sensory input very easily and also suffer from PTSD symptoms. At first I thought I would heal in a few weeks, and even though over the long haul there has been improvement, months and months of this has been very taxing on me on the mental-emotional level. It has taken a lot to come to understand that i can do everything in my power to heal, and it just isn't enough.
Anyway, this and some other conversation showed me how little he understands where I am mentally. I think he just sees me as having times when this "gets me down" and not the extent to how all consuming it is, how little faith I have in the future and how much it takes to keep any little flame of hope alive in me. I also don't think he understands how much I rely on his energy to keep me going, and what happens to me when that is not there, for example if he is at work, or out of town, or just out of the house for a while, or when he is mad at me or just when he hunkers down emotionally to rejuvenate himself. I am lost. I don't like that I am, but there it is.
Ok. I am just rambling. The thing is, one minute he is telling me how hard it is to deal with my depression, and the next moment he is saying I am not depressed but "defeated." There isnt' really a difference. Defeat is part of depression.
Anyway, I don't know if I need him to understand, but it is hard when I feel he does not, that it is a personal failure or lack of inner strength that is my biggest obstacle to healing. I can give lipservice to that line too, but my experience proves to me that there are some things you can change and some your can't. It is important to recognize them both. It is hard to have the person closest to you not understand what you are facing, to not see it clearly for what it is.
I wish I were sitting with some of you over a cup of tea and maybe some good food, but thanks for listening all the same.