just need a listening ear

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pasara
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 206
   Posted 1/13/2007 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Yesterday I got a letter from my therapist that suggested i look into a program at one of the local medical centers called "Resiliency Training." It "advocates treating depression with a blend of Western medicine, Eastern philosophy, lifestyle changes and sprituality." It is not a program to treat depression on an acute level, but an 8 week course that works in various ways to help you strengthen your natural resiliency so they are less likely to become depressed or develop chronic diseases. I am not sure I am interested, but I was interested in at least finding out more about it, and asked my husband what he thought. Then he tells me he doesn't see me as "depressed" but "defeated." He says sometimes he sees me happy and energetic, therefore depression is not my problem.

I didn't know what to say. In his mind it seems someone is only depressed if they are crying or laying in bed all day. I can function at times by distracting myself, making myself keep busy, but as soon as I am an idle i am flooded by negative thinking. The smallest bump in the road can make the whole world come crashing in on me. I may be smiling at times, but there is this river of depression that flows underneath it, behind this, ready to flood the banks at any bend.

Is he just in denial? It seems so, at least at times. Yet, when he is burnt out he tells me how hard it is to deal with my "huge mood swings." He also will lay this trip on me that I will not recover until I change on a spiritual level, as if I just have to make a decision and everything will go away.

In case you have not read my other posts,I was in a bike accident a year and a half ago, hit by a car, and now have chronic pain, severe fatigue, and symptoms from a head injury. I get overloaded by sensory input very easily and also suffer from PTSD symptoms. At first I thought I would heal in a few weeks, and even though over the long haul there has been improvement, months and months of this has been very taxing on me on the mental-emotional level. It has taken a lot to come to understand that i can do everything in my power to heal, and it just isn't enough.

Anyway, this and some other conversation showed me how little he understands where I am mentally. I think he just sees me as having times when this "gets me down" and not the extent to how all consuming it is, how little faith I have in the future and how much it takes to keep any little flame of hope alive in me. I also don't think he understands how much I rely on his energy to keep me going, and what happens to me when that is not there, for example if he is at work, or out of town, or just out of the house for a while, or when he is mad at me or just when he hunkers down emotionally to rejuvenate himself. I am lost. I don't like that I am, but there it is.

Ok. I am just rambling. The thing is, one minute he is telling me how hard it is to deal with my depression, and the next moment he is saying I am not depressed but "defeated." There isnt' really a difference. Defeat is part of depression.

Anyway, I don't know if I need him to understand, but it is hard when I feel he does not, that it is a personal failure or lack of inner strength that is my biggest obstacle to healing. I can give lipservice to that line too, but my experience proves to me that there are some things you can change and some your can't. It is important to recognize them both. It is hard to have the person closest to you not understand what you are facing, to not see it clearly for what it is.

I wish I were sitting with some of you over a cup of tea and maybe some good food, but thanks for listening all the same.

countrygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 550
   Posted 1/13/2007 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
 Well I wish we could all be sitting together with coffee also.Sounds wonderful....But at least we can talk.....I really hope things get better for you.I do think its really hard for people to realize what its like.But we put on that smile anyways....Prayers your way....

Take care everyone...I care


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/13/2007 6:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Pasara
I have posted this before, I live by this statement...men just have a harder time dealing with emotional issues.
Depression is a major one.
Obviously he loves you, or he would not take the time to think about what you are going through.
One thing that caught my eye is that you said you needed to feed off of his energy in order to be ok.
The reason it caught my eye is that I have been struggling with the same thing.
I worry that if something happens between my b/f and I that I will go downhill and not be able to heal at all.
That is not healthy at all, as you can't depend on someone else to stay healthy. You have to make yourself strong, and just be able to depend on yourself.
Plus, I think it puts him in a very bad situation, as they have to live with the guilt of knowing that if they are not there then you are going downhill. Not fair at all.
Now that I have slapped both of our hands for that, how do we fix it??? I don't have clue.
I have been trying to do more things on my own. Make my own decisions without asking him. I have been encouraging him to do things with his family and friends without me. I need to get my time alone in order.
It is hard, I know.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 1/14/2007 3:13 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi pasara
I know exactly what you mean..you are not alone in your thought processes!
If we were to break an arm..people can see instantly what is wrong and deal with it...but because out pain is hidden from the eye as such it makes it more difficult for others to understand..very frustrating on both sides really...and what's more because people don't appear to understand we become very good at acting and make excuses for appearing tired etc..and keep our feeling inside - bad mistake like sitting on a volcano!
I really believe that if you haven't 'been there and done that' when it comes to depression you can never really begin to understand..and lets face it even after 20 years of experience with it even I fail to understand it sometimes lol.
If you feel that the course available will have some benefit to you..then just do it..approach the whole idea of doing it with enthusiam pointing out that it may help the 'defeated' fellings that you may have from time to time and that he should be glad that you are doing something positive to help yourself as well as him.

Maree

 

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