Keep getting dragged back to my past

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saeharr
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/18/2007 10:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm 29 years old now.  I've been suffering from depression since i was about 12 (the 'officials' don't know about that, only my breakdown).  I had a nervous breakdown caused by various factors when i was about 18/19.  I've worked so hard since i found out i was pregnant at the age of 21 to look after myself (mentally and physically) and my son, and have really been making headway.  I haven't been on any medication since i was 21 (gave them up when i found out i was pregnant), and i got signed off my psychiatrist when i was 22.  I've been doing lots of part time higher education courses for the last five years to get me into University, which i started last October and am really enjoying. I've found a really lovely guy and a loving daddy for my son (yes in the same person lol!) :-)
 
But....  it doesn't matter how far on you've come in life, or how well you are doing, or how long ago my really bad episode was, everytime i want to advance and get on a uni course, or apply for a job, i get dragged back to that bad episode.  I've applied for a job at my local hospital to do with my course, i passed all the occupational health tests and assessments; and still i have to see some condescending jumped up doctor AGAIN who's going to treat me like some poor neive 'damaged' person who doesn't understand what stress is in life, and needs talking to patronisingly about it.  It makes me want to tell them where they can stick their job and hospital.  29 years of my life and they're going to assess me in half an hour to tell me if i can cope with the job.  And i have NO choice but to sit there and take it AGAIN.  This is my third interview like this in the last two years.  I feel like shouting i was ok, but now i feel depressed again!
 
My son has disabilities and i've almost single handedly raised him for the last 7 years, i know what stress is and how to cope with it, i do stress almost 24 hours a day.  The depression hasn't completely gone away, but i feel better and cope better and am really getting my self confidence back.  I've come a long way since back then, but they give you no recognition of this.
 
I used to self harm when my depression was really bad.  One of the doctors i saw last year said he had to make sure i wasn't a danger to anyone else.   I felt like saying the clue is in the title; SELF harm, not ABH, or GBH!  He was so patronising, saying 'do you realise how much stress this course will be and how you will cope with it?'  I felt like saying 'thank you so much doctor, i didn't realise this course would be stressful, i had no idea, i thought it would be a breeze i could blag my way through!'  I really hate them but you cant say anything or do anything because then you don't get the job you want or the course you want.  It really feels like being discriminated against sometimes.
 
Sorry for ranting on, bad day at the occy health clinic!  Just wish they'd poke off and let us get on with our lives and not treat us like idiots,
 
Sar sad

Sar I had to edit parts of your post due to bad language : rule number 2 of healing well

2. No use of explicit, obscene or vulgar language or images and/or messages, including racist remarks.

 

 

Post Edited By Moderator (Victoria) : 1/18/2007 12:10:12 PM (GMT-7)


saeharr
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/18/2007 2:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Oooops, sorry Victoria, didn't mean to, was generally just having a bad day.  Apologies again,

Sar :-)


'Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm....'


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 1/18/2007 6:48 PM (GMT -7)   
Saeharr,
When I read your post,all I kept thinking of how strong you were. Going back to school, raising your son on your own. You have the will of a warrior.
Don't let the job hunting get you down, I am a firm believer that Good things do come to those who wait.
Keep your head up,and stay on track and you will look back at this time with relief.
Now,I didnt see if you were currently on meds now? Maybe you need to go back to the doctor and let him know what is going on. It is very important (as I am sure you know) that you keep yourself healthy for your son.
Good Luck!!
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/19/2007 4:43 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Saeharr, may I ask what kind of courses have you been taking? and what kind of job or interviews have you been going too?  Do the people who are interviewing you know of your background?

I had a very rough childhood ( I dont know if you have read any of my prior posts on it ) but I have had depression, anxiety/panic attacks and PTSD for most of my life.  I went straight on to get my BS in Psychology right out of high school and went to work for a private mental health care facility which I stayed with for many years.  I am working on my master's now and mostly finished with it.  Eventually, my employers knew of my depression and anxiety but it was a close knit environment and they were supportive of me regarding it.  Which I was thankful for.  However, I did have other part-time jobs while I was employed there too and never did I let on that I had any sort of illness as this just wasnt their business to know.  And it does set you up for them to discriminate against you even though it is against the law it is difficult to prove this is why they didnt hire you.

It sounds like you have been working hard to better yourself.  I agree with Shy that you most certianly have "the will of a warrior".  Perhaps look into an antidepressant if you think it would help.  If not then dont it is always up to you.  But do keep your head up and keep your pride.  No one is perfect and dont ever let anyone judge and if you feel they are judging you dont let them know that they are getting to you.  This is what they want...to get a reaction out of you.  Keep your cool, mostly when your in a job interview.  The right one will come along...you will see.  :-)


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


LondonGirl22
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 1/19/2007 7:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't worry saeharr, thats fine.
 
You have come through so much and seem a very strong person-I admire that.
I'm sorry you were having a bad day the other day - vent here anytime (just without the swear words!!!!).  We are always here.  Els and Shy have left some great advice - they are very good.
 
You take care and keep in touch

Victoria x


 

Co ~ Moderator for the Depression Forum

 

XX Life is worth living XX

 


saeharr
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/21/2007 4:38 AM (GMT -7)   
'You have the will of a warrior.'   I still get shy when someone pays me a complement lol!!!!  Thank you for that :-) ....
 
'Now,I didnt see if you were currently on meds now?'   No, i haven't been since 1999, came off everything as soon as i found out i was pregnant.  There have been a couple of times since then when i've ordered some from the doctor, but i only take them for a few days and then think, no i've been off them this long.
 
 
'It is very important (as I am sure you know) that you keep yourself healthy for your son.'   My mum has him over one night a week so i can get a good nights sleep, which is so lovely of her, i prefer that to residential respite care, can relax more when he's with my mum.  It allows me and my partner time to go out and do something together once a week, which is priceless, especially if my son's been getting up during the night all week.  The only problem i tend to find is finding the energy to get up and go out to do something!
 
'what kind of courses have you been taking? and what kind of job or interviews have you been going too?  Do the people who are interviewing you know of your background?'   I'm on a 4 year occupational therapy degree course, i'm doing it part time so i can still be there to take care of my son.  I went to the local hospital to try and get an occupational therapy assistant job part time.  Unfortunately they have to know everything about your background, and you can't hide anything because they get a doctors report and have the right to look into your doctors notes.
 
'I have had depression, anxiety/panic attacks and PTSD for most of my life.  I went straight on to get my BS in Psychology right out of high school and went to work for a private mental health care facility which I stayed with for many years.  I am working on my master's now and mostly finished with it.'   That is fantastic, it's so much more of an achievement when you've had to get through so much along the way too.  Wishing you all the best on your masters course, it's a lot of work but it's all worth it in the end :-) ....
 
'Keep your cool, mostly when your in a job interview. '   I kept my cool up until she said she was sending me off to see the psychiatrist because i had such a vast history!  It was 8 - 9 years ago and they're still dragging me in to see some doctor who will look at half an hour of my 29 year life to assess my suitability for the job!  Yes i'm still sore about it!  I said to the lady there, it wouldn't matter if i was 80 years old, they'd still drag it up!  I feel especially sore about it because the last doctor i had was so condescending, and you have no choice but to sit there and take it.  It is insulting....
 
Hopefully it'll go alright in two weeks time, if not i'll just have to keep applying for jobs until someone gives me the chance.  Was lovely to hear from you, thank you for reading and responding to my post, that's lovely,
 
Best Wishes,
 
Sarah x
 


'Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm....'

Post Edited (saeharr) : 1/21/2007 4:43:19 AM (GMT-7)


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/21/2007 5:11 AM (GMT -7)   
saeharr said...'what kind of courses have you been taking? and what kind of job or interviews have you been going too?  Do the people who are interviewing you know of your background?'   I'm on a 4 year occupational therapy degree course, i'm doing it part time so i can still be there to take care of my son.  I went to the local hospital to try and get an occupational therapy assistant job part time.  Unfortunately they have to know everything about your background, and you can't hide anything because they get a doctors report and have the right to look into your doctors notes.
Hi Sarah,  I am assuming that you dont live in the US?  If you do live in the US there is this thing called Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act or HIPAA for short which means that all your healthcare records are secured unless you sign a release for information to a certian individual or provider.  No employer can use your health records against you even if you had been in residence in their facility. 
If you dont live in the US...Well then, I have no advice for you there.  But it would seem that you are strong enough to stick through taking your courses, raising your son and getting through daily life in general.  Dont let someone sitting behind a desk look down on you from just what they read on a piece of paper.  Your more then just a name on a folder in a chart somewhere...remember that.

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


saeharr
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/21/2007 1:37 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Elisha,

I am assuming that you dont live in the US?  No I live in the UK, although first opportunity and i'll be emigrating somewhere else! 

all your healthcare records are secured unless you sign a release for information to a certian individual or provider    That's the same system here, which in theory means you can withold your records, but then in practice you're not very likely to get the job, so really you don't have a choice but to sign them over!  It's a no win situation either way.  Although saying that my University accepted me, so hopefully the hospital will to....

Dont let someone sitting behind a desk look down on you from just what they read on a piece of paper.  Your more then just a name on a folder in a chart somewhere...remember that.    I'll do my best!  It depends how confident i'm feeling that day and what questions get thrown at me!  But you're right, i am more than a name on a folder, or a number on a file, it's trying to convey who i am in the limited amount of time they give you, and the limited questions they ask you eyes    You never know, it may not be as bad as i'm expecting it to be, although judging by the last guy i got i'm bracing myself!!!!

Best Wishes,

Sarah x


'Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm....'


CheerDad
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 1/21/2007 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
'Now,I didnt see if you were currently on meds now?' No, i haven't been since 1999, came off everything as soon as i found out i was pregnant. There have been a couple of times since then when i've ordered some from the doctor, but i only take them for a few days and then think, no i've been off them this long.

I too have tried to get off the meds and find that I like who I am much better while on them. I quit worring about whta otheres think because I take them because I know they help me "cope" with the challenges of life.
We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.

 
Randy

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els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 1/22/2007 6:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Well we are here for you Sarah...stay strong and let us know how it goes :-)

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


saeharr
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/23/2007 2:30 AM (GMT -7)   
I too have tried to get off the meds and find that I like who I am much better while on them. I quit worring about whta otheres think because I take them because I know they help me "cope" with the challenges of life.    I know what you mean, the older i get, the less i care what people think about me!  It's about finding what is right and what works for you as an individual.  :-)
 
 
Well we are here for you Sarah...stay strong and let us know how it goes :-)      That's really sweet, thank you.  That goes both ways xxxx
 
 
Sarah xxxx
'Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm....'

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