Post Edited (honestynindiana) : 1/18/2007 3:22:17 PM (GMT-7)
I just want to give you a big hug, i'm so sorry you've had such a hard life. It's a lot to carry around with you, being raped twice, your fathers treatment, the isolation you're feeling. It must have taken a lot to share all of that here, i think you are a very courageous person. I know your self-esteem is low but you are a survivor, and you have got through so much. I'm really glad you have found a nice partner, and you have two lovely children.
I don't know how old your children are so it's hard to suggest anything. All i can think is if they are young maybe looking for some toddler parent groups/clubs, where you and your kids can meet new people. Is it possible for your mother or mother in law to have the children over for the night once a week, month, or fortnight, that way you could find a class or club you could get into, that's a good way to meet people. What are your neighbours like?
Have you considered seeing a counsellor to talk everything through? There are some good ones, as well as not so good ones, out there so you have to see who you get on with the best if you decided to go down that route. I found counselling so helpful to resolve emotions i'd bottled up for years about my father and my violent ex. The crying uncontrollably might be your emotions 'bubbling over', it might help to talk through some of them with someone who is impartial and non-judgemental?
I really feel for you, there's nothing worse for me than feeling isolated and lonely. I'm the same when my partners not here, every noise in the night makes my knees knock!
Sending you hugs,
Hi honesty, welcome to healing well forum we are happy to have you join us here. I am so very sorry for all you have been through and continue to go through.
Let me just tell you a little about my background as I can relate to some of what your feeling. I also grew up in an abusive home, my real father used to beat my mother on a regular basis until the first time he ever hit me when I was 2 and half and she then left him and divorced him. She met a man who promised at be a great father to me and who loved her, so they married. He ending up sexually and physically abusing me for many years to come. My little brother was also physically abused by his father. My mother worked a lot and didn’t know what was happening in our home, we were very good at keeping secrets. By the time everything came out and we were safe and away from him the damage had already been done psychology.
I did end up getting married then divorced but I always had anxiety/panic and depression, my husband was never any help in this area. I spent a great deal of my life scared of men and sometimes I still am leery and cautious. But like you I would lock myself in my apartment and be afraid that I still was not safe. When you suffer a trauma such as you have these are overwhelming instincts that just kick in and you cannot control them. You do need to go to counseling to try to work through these issues as this is the only way you will ever be able to move on with your life and live in peace with what has happened to you. It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my own skin to feel at peace with my past and yes, there are days when I still don’t and it does haunt me...but that is the child in me who still hurts and has a hard time forgiving.
As for the antidepressants your Zoloft in specific I wonder if your actually taking it now as prescribed? and how much if you are? There was an interesting study done a few years ago regarding Zoloft, Prozac and Remeron that showed patients who took it sporadically instead of regularly as prescribed or those that it for a few months then stopped and restarted it again after a few months that these medications actually lose their effect for those patients. I used to have that saved on my computer but I just got it back from having it upgraded and it is lost now...I will see if I can find that study again. That was interesting to me as I was on Zoloft for years and had also had a habit of starting and stopping myself and of course it stopped working for me last year and I went through one of the worse depressions I have ever had. Perhaps you can speak to your doctor about this and see about another medication or an adjustment in dosage.
Either way please know that we are here for you for support if you ever need us.
ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate