I am sorry you are feeling so bad. And I am very glad that you found this board. Lots of people with very good advice come on here.
I know about the no insurance and it is so hard. Expecially when you feel like your life is a total mess.
The pushing people away is very much part of depression. I think we do that because we are having a hard enough time trying to figure out what is going on inside of us,and we don't want to put that fake smile on and pretend everything is fine.
My first question to you is do you have anyone that you feel close too? Someone that you can lay out what you are feeling and trust them to understand,or at least just listen? That make a big difference to be able to express yourself.
Also,do you have a county hospital there? Or a clinic that is open according to your income?
Here they have a county hospital that you can see a doctor and get your meds sometimes for free.
With all of the things that you are going through,that might be your first step.
Dont give up on life,I am sure when you sit down and think about what you have in life,and what you want to have in life you will see that it is worth living for.
I am not on meds,and in total fear of spiraling down the depression hallways again,I am lucky though and have a great support system. But,that didnt come to me until about 3 years ago,and that was after suffering for a very long time. I myself write things down. I have filled notebooks full of pages. Sometimes just rants,sometimes poems. I have written unsent letters to the ones that have hurt me and played a major role in my depression. I keep them just so I can reread them and feel a little better.
Please use this board to vent,cry,laugh whatever you need.
And please keep in contact with us so we know how you are doing.
Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia