Im new to this forum but have been on the HIV forum for the past month. To be brief I had a risk of HIV and have since developed a lot of symptoms of it. I had a negative test 36 days after the possible exposure but they told me I had to retest again the 3 month mark because some people take longer to show a positive test result and the 3 month mark is 100 percent. Since learning of the possiblity I have this I have been so depressed. I used to be the happiest person and not bothered by anything, but now I just want to lay in bed all day. I keep thinking about the point of living and I cant come up with anything. Everybody dies eventually and thats all I think about. I just graduated college and was about to start looking for a job and getting a career started and then this happened. I have had a few interviews, some I dont even show up at and others I just sit there and space out thinking about death and how if I have this my life is over. I used to have so many dreams and goals and it seems like they are all shattered now. Everything I used to think was important seems meaningless now. I loved to party in college and go out on the weekends and drink and socialize and meet girls. Then during the week I was really interested in what I was studying and really thought it was important to me. Now I just feel like completely empty inside and nothing at all matters. I am one person in a huge world that has been around for billions and billions of years and my existence seems utterly meaningless. What does 40-50 of one persons life matter in a billion year old world? I keep wondering why I am concious right now and why I am living in this horrible world. I could never attempt suicide because I could never bring myself to do that but I sometimes wish at night when I go to bed that I dont wake up. I have been reading stories of people who had near death experiences and they describe this pleasure they feel and how nothing has ever made them feel such joy and love before. Then they are revived and feel extremely depressed to be back on earth and wish they could experience those feelings they had during their NDE again.
Im just wondering if anyone out there has ever felt this way and what they do to combat it.
Also I think the pressure of this 3 month test is making things even worse. The test is on friday and I know this whole week is just going to be miserable because I really fear that results are going to come back in the worst case scenario.