ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate
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Xx Sometimes we all have to go a little crazy just to stay sane xX
Thank you so much Shy and Vic you both are so supportive wonderful people. I too Shy get the feelings of I start to talk about what happened so long ago I start to have nightmares again and flashbacks during the day and find that I have more panic and anxiety attacks when out in public. I dont know if counseling has ever helped me in any respect with resolving the abuse issues, I have locked those feelings away and put them so it like it happened to a differant person (if that makes any sense?). I worry that I carry this behavior over into everyday life.
I have never been one of those people that would say to someone "just get over it" if something is wrong or they are upset about something. But I find that when I get upset or angry I can easily push these emotions aside without discussing them or even thinking of them further. Where they go...I have no idea? I know I am not "just getting over it" or dealing with them, I am just compartmentizing these things. What happens when I finally build up too much? I have a breakdown? What? I dont know...the human mind only takes so much right?
Healing is a long road and it is hard work...I dont think I can do it. There are somethings I feel are so ingrained in me that cant be changed or fixed. I learned how to cope and deal with life situations at a very young age when most people are learning normaly healthy relationships I was learning how to keep secrets and shut off things that happened in the "safety" of my house. I am not sure I will ever be right as far as my abuse issues goes...
Hi Els, ShynSassy & Victoria,
I hope you don't mind me 'joining' in, but reading your posts is like reading my own thoughts. The confusion and uncertainty seem to be the same for us all and that is reassuring in an odd way. It confirms we are not alone.
I have avoided dealing with being raped for 16 years, I have avoided therapy and was on a very slow road to self destruct without realising it, my self esteem and confidence have just dwindled by the day, yet I still have the odd day when I am more determined than ever to ‘win’. OUtwarld I am fine, but inside its all a mess.
I can’t offer advice, I don’t feel qualified, but I will say that counselling itself hasn’t worked for me as such, but the after effects have. Thinking through what I have talked about sadly makes me realise that I hate myself as much as the three men that attacked me, if not more. I feel powerless most of the time. And I shouldn’t!
I don’t quite know how to do it yet, but I know I have to learn to love myself before any amount of therapy or healing will happen. I have to believe that I am worth it and even if it is just that I set aside 5 minutes a day to remind myself that I have a right to be here. It’s a start.
These horrible people may have been in control then, but they are not now. I am in control, and that little reminder of power helps me take those little baby steps.
I too, still feel the utter shame, the disgust, the guilt and the complete feeling of helplessness and when I do, I try to accept it, then I make sure I get a little anger going. I cannot let this control me forever, I have one life I want to see the beauty and live the rest of it without fear. I don’t want them to have the satisfaction of knowing that that they have ruined my life.
Please be strong girls, you are all beautiful individuals with the wonderful ability to help and support others, make sure you take some time to support yourselves. You have the right.
Thinking of you all.
Hi there everyone...My goodness, you have all been through soo much in your lives - this explains why you are strong and wise people in your own right I have not been sexually abused, so I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must carry around with you..however there have been other 'stink' issues in my life that I have had to deal with over time and have found counselling to be a really positive thing to do! Els you talk about pushing emotional things aside..sheesh I am an expert in this field - and I can tell you where they all go - they go about skin deep..and slowly over a period of time they fester under the surface...we don't even realise that they are there until one day something kinda small happens in our lives and suddenly there is an explosion - everythings bubbles to the surface and we find ourselves in a 'heck of a mess'! I should know I have been there many times!
This is where counselling comes in...here you get to talk things through at your own pace and deal with each issue as you wish..you learn the art of thinking about things, dealing with them and then being able to fold them up neatly and tuck them away in a large box at the bottom of the wardrobe lol..instaed of dwelling on things and making ourselves sick!
Thank you Maree, I have been in counseling before and not felt that it was much benefit in some areas of my life...but there are some that it does help. I will try to keep an open mind and not sabatoge myself and my own treatment as that is what I am famous for...I will keep you all update I am sure . Be well my friend, I be New Zeland is beautiful!
Havent gotten anything yet Vic...I think customs has slowed down a lot since 9/11 Big hugs to you too...love you..El
Post Edited (els) : 2/11/2007 4:53:19 AM (GMT-7)