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WeepingWillow
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 2/17/2007 8:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I just joined this site. A really good friend recommended it to me. I have depression and I have been having a rough time of it lately. Things just seem too hard to cope with. I have spent the day in tears today in a web of self pity and other bad thoughts on top of that. I know... get over it right? Build a bridge... shake it off... suck it up... Tried all that...
I have actually had depression most of my life, since a few bad things happened to me...but never started getting treatment for it until the last year or two ago. I have been put onto medication and they have recently trippled my dosage which hasn't helped so far.
I have had previous attempts at suicide and have also self harmed since the age of eight. I have reduced the self harm now and I am getting therapy and learning skills to use instead of self harm.
I have been ultra depressed lately, it seems to all be crashing down on me, making it so hard to keep going. I am trying to snap out of it but its not working at all. I hate crying... I hardly ever cry like this, but today I just couldn't take it anymore and I am just in continual tears all the time and it won't stop. I hope no visitors come today... my face is a mess, my house is a mess, I am a mess. I realized that I have wasted my life. I am 25 and I have no life at all really. I have never really experienced much at all that most people my age have. I wish I was younger and smarter and stronger and happier. I just can't believe that I have let childhood trauma ruin my life. I wish I could just be strong and just forget about it, but I can't and it haunts me every day. Anyway enough complaining. Thats all I seem to do... complain. I am sorry:(

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 2/17/2007 9:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Weeping willow I know life feels so awful but believe me you are on the right road to recovery .The crying is getting it out .It has been bottled up inside for such a long time .As for you letting it take over your life you have done remarkable well to get where you are today .You truely are an amazing young lady with a whole life time of happiness ahead .My house is a mess but it can be today i don`t care there is plenty of time to clean later on .A child hood trauma can be blocked away so deeply that we don`t even remember it ,until something triggers it and then it`s up to us to set it free and we need the right sort of help to be able to do it ,psychologist psycharists who are properly trainned in the right way and i`m sure with the continual help from them and your friends you will make it .Even though the road ahead may have many obsticles in your path don`t give up my friend .Stand tall as your name implies ans sway in the breeze a weeping willow is a mighty tree and you have a mighty strong heart .I wish you well

WeepingWillow
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 2/17/2007 9:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks restless1. You are such a nice person. I want to get out of this hole and I wish some magical fairy would wave a wand and I'd be free. I know its not like that. I guess it takes a long time. Longer than I thought anyway. After my first visit to the Doctor I actually thought I'd be better within a few days or weeks. How wrong I was. Anyway thanks for your reply. Many hugs!

LondonGirl22
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 2/18/2007 3:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Willow,

Welcome to Healing Well. I can really relate to what both you and restless are going through. I am 24 and I let my childhood ruin my life for too long and kept so much to myself until last year when I had a breakdown due to it all.
I was in such a deep dark hole and I saw no way out at all. I was admitted to a psych hospital and I too, at first, thought - oh i ll be better in a couple of weeks, I wont be here long. I actually stayed there for 4 months.
It has taken a while but I am getting there and I am doing so much better - I am even back at work. I saw no way out - but there is....trust me. I know its hard for you to see right now, but it will get better.

Are you under the care of a doctor for your depression? Do you take any meds? You need to see a professional about the way that you are feeling. It can be a long road out of depression, but you can get better.

I'm glad that you both found this site. Post anytime and take care.

Victoria x

Moderator ~ Depression and Anxiety Forum

Contact me at: victoria@healingwell.net

Xx Sometimes we all have to go a little crazy just to stay sane xX

www.healingwell.com/donate


wizzer120
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 71
   Posted 2/18/2007 3:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello weeping willow,
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time at the moment. you have had some great advice from restless and victoria. I don't really have the confidence to be able to offer you any advice but just wanted to let you know that I have had some horrible expereinces in life and I am getting through it. There is always hope and light at the end of the tunnel. I think you get to a point in your own head where you say 'enough' and then you can start the road to healing. It took me a really long time, but I got there and am now taking steps to heal my mind, I have a lot of hang ups, but I find posting here does help, everyone is so so supportive and helpful.
Through healingwell, I was convinced to see my doctor for depression meds and to seek therapy, it's a haul, but I truly believe it will be worth it. I am learning not to see everything as a 'massive' deal, take each issue merit it and then try to deal with it. I seemed to have had this habit of mixing everthing up in one pot so every problem was huge, now I am learning to keep everything seperate and trying to deal with each thing.
So if posting here helps, then please carry on, as I said, everyone is really supportive. The best thing I have done is to try to accept the days when i am really down, tomorrow is always another day. There is an important phrase that gets used here alot, its 'baby steps'. For me it's been a bit of a revalation, just take things as they come and deal with what you can that day.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
take care
hugs
wizzer

LondonGirl22
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 2/18/2007 4:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Wizzer you are so right in what you said about getting to a point where you say 'enough'. That is exactly what happened to me when I was ill in hospital. I came to a point where I knew that I couldn't spend the rest of my life being ruled by my past and from that moment was so determined to get better and fight.

I'm so glad that this site has helped you wizzer - I think you are doing really well.
Keep in touch hun xx

Victoria x

Moderator ~ Depression and Anxiety Forum

Contact me at: victoria@healingwell.net

Xx Sometimes we all have to go a little crazy just to stay sane xX

www.healingwell.com/donate


WeepingWillow
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 2/18/2007 8:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Wizzer and Victoria. I have been going to see a psychiatrist and she hasn't helped me a whole lot, she keeps putting up my medication, and it doesn't work. I start with counseling tomorrow and will see how that goes for me. Posting here is helping me a little bit, so that is good. I just wish this recovery process didn't take so long. I feel so impatient and frustrated with myself. I think I am putting way too much pressure on myself too which doesn't help. I think I need a nice relaxing holiday somewhere. If I had the money I would do that. But I don't so never mind.

LondonGirl22
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 2/19/2007 7:59 AM (GMT -7)   
When I was ill I was way too hard on myself and put too much pressure on myself to get better quickly. It does take time and you need time to heal. How long have you been on your medication now? If you find that it's not helping you them perhaps your psychiatrist could change you onto a different med.
When I started with effexor - it took 4-6 weeks to start working properly and even after that, you are still getting better. I am glad that the site is helping you and please continue to post.

Take care

Victoria x

Moderator ~ Depression and Anxiety Forum

Contact me at: victoria@healingwell.net

Xx Sometimes we all have to go a little crazy just to stay sane xX

www.healingwell.com/donate


Fussketeer
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 2/19/2007 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Willow--

Hope the counseling goes well today.

Fussketeer


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 2/19/2007 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   
WW, you are the magic fairy that will get you out of this situation. You have already started that process by coming here and seeking support and assistance. Great first step! You are starting counselling, great next step! Keep putting one foot in front of the other, never give up on yourself and be extemely honest with yourself about what you are feeling and you will keep moving forward.

I am so proud of you!!
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


WeepingWillow
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 2/20/2007 12:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Fussketeer and stronglady4me, and victoria. I went to counseling today and she is pretty much putting me onto someone else. Thats ok... but I have to wait two weeks before I see the new person. I was asked today whats going to keep me safe until then. I said that I will just have to keep busy as possible. Thats all I can do. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and will ask her about the meds... I have been on them for about 5 months I think... but I was put up a dosage two weeks ago. So maybe I have to wait for that to work... I don't know.
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