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Lil_Angel
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 2/19/2007 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Well im Female, 24 and from England, UK. Im new here and iv never posted on anything like this before, i dont really know what to say or where to start, iv been sat staring at a blank screen for the past half hour!! But here goes ...
 
For the past few months iv been severly depressed, well i presume its depression anyway .. iv decided to post here because at the moment its very very bad. I feel so low and i have bad thoughts. i was on anti-depressants a few yrs ago for a while but i didnt feel no different so i stopped, im too scared to see any one professional, im worried about what theyd say to be honest. No one in my family or friends know that im feeling this way, i hide it so well - mainly with fake smiles, fake laughter, long sleeves and baggy clothes! The depression is due to something that happened to me when i was little and again when i was 18, i managed to block it out of from mind for so long but recently its came back to haunt me, i dont sleep because i have nightmares, i dont eat which is another thing, i think im anorexic or something like that, i havent looked into it, but i havent eaten in 3 days and iv probably had about 2 pieces of toast in 2 weeks, i also make myself sick  sad  . Last month i ended up in hospital for a few days - self inflicted and badly dehydrated but i refused any help they offered. I have to say the past week has been the worst iv ever felt, im so sad and down sad and i keep crying.
Iv never told anyone in the 'real' world about my depression and problems nore about what happened to me in the past, but i have told 2 of my friends on the internet about it and it does help talking to them but im sick of being told to 'go see someone', if only it was that easy, i really really dont want to sad . But i dont know what to do anymore, the bad thoughts are taking over!
 
Wow iv just read over what i have written and didnt realise i had wrote so much so i think i should stop there otherwise it will end up looking like a book! Sorry its so long!
 
Lil_Angel xoxox

Lil_Angel
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 2/19/2007 3:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Ok since writting that post iv kinda gone down hill fast, i feel really really depressed tonight and sad :( i cant stop crying. i just feel so lonely, wish i could start life all over again :(
 
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stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 2/19/2007 5:46 PM (GMT -7)   
When we are in the middle of a depressive episode it can be hard to make good decisions for ourselves.  I urge you to tell someone that you trust, your mum, a friend, a school counselor if you have one available or the doctor you went to when you were depressed before.  You do need help to get beyond the way you are feeling right now. 
 
You seem to know what the "cause" of your depression is.  In a way that means that you are ahead of the game already because so many people don't know anything about why this is happening to them.  Ask yourself a few key questions:
 
1.  What are you afraid will happen if you get help?
 
2.  How can getting help be any worse than what you are going through right now?  The answer there is that it can't be.
 
3.  What is it that you want to have happen?
 
I am assuming that your answer will be something like you want all this to get better.  In order for this to get better you have to stop hiding it, you have to allow yourself to get help and then you have to be really honest about why you are hurting.  Honest with yourself and honest with your heath care giver.
 
On this site we often say, "We are here for you" or " We understand" and both of those things are true.  We can listen and try to offer comfort and advice if you want it.  Those things help but the only thing that really helps is you taking control of your depression instead of letting it control you.  You have already started to take control because you have tried to identify why you are hurting.  You have started to take control by reaching out and coming here.  These are great steps and I am so proud of you.  Let yourself have the strength to take the next step and tell someone where you are about what you are going through. 
 
Keep coming back here.  Once you share here you are part of our community and we will worry about you.
 
Keep in touch Angel
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/20/2007 5:58 AM (GMT -7)   
LilAngel
First of all I am glad you found us. You can use this board to vent,and cry and give your own advice.
I saw myself in your post. It was about 8 years ago when I finally went to the doctor to get some help.
By that time I had went downhill very fast. Not eating for days,crying all of the time.
Going to the doctor is a very scary thing,but they are there to help you.And believe me your story is not going to shock them and they will not say bad things to you. Remember you are paying them to help you.
I had to see 4 different doctors in order to feel comfortable and get the help I needed.
Hiding out,not eating and not telling anyone what is going on inside of you is not healthy at all.
I am talking from major experience here. I did not tell anyone in my family what was going on with me. They suspected in the long run,but did not approach me with it.
I dealt with an abusive husband for all of those 13 years and was too embarrased to tell.
You need to start healing,and in order to do that you have got to see someone. Talk to someone. This board is a great start. I know when I found it I typed and cried my eyes out for a couple months. During that time I saw that other people knew what I was going through and they gave me great advice. I still credit this board for being able to start my own road to healing.
You need to get into the doctor. And then you need to get into a healthy enviroment.
You can get through this,people that have depression are probably the strongest people there are. We have to be in order to fake the smiles everyday. Tell people we are fine when we feel like we are dying inside.
You have to be honest with yourself and your loved ones. I think you will be amazed when your family finds out and you see the love and support that they are willing to give you.
Please keep posting here,that is what we are here for.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


LondonGirl22
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 1629
   Posted 2/21/2007 4:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Like shy - I saw myself in your post. I am 24 and also from the UK. Last year I had a breakdown and my depression and anxiety is caused by things that happened to me in my childhood. You will find that a lot of people here will understand what you are going through. I spent most of my life hiding how I was really feeling - fake smiles, laughs, telling everyone I was ok.
It is a positive step that you have posted on here and see it as the first step. I know you have heard this before and don't want to hear it again, but you really need to get some help with this.
I spent 4 months in a psych hospital last year for my depression and the meds that I am on have helped me so much. Of course, they havent taken my problems away but I am stronger to be able to deal with them. I know you see no light at the end of the tunnel now, but you can get better. I have been where you are and it took a while but I got well again.

In the UK we don't need to pay for any treatment, the healthcare service is there to help you so please try and accept that help. You have donr a fantastic thing by talking to us here and we will support and advise all we can, but we are not professionals.

Please post again and let us know how you are.
Take care

Victoria x

Moderator ~ Depression and Anxiety Forum

Contact me at: victoria@healingwell.net

Xx Sometimes we all have to go a little crazy just to stay sane xX

www.healingwell.com/donate


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/21/2007 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Lil_Angel, I am glad that you found this forum and hope it offers you a source of support and comfort.  It has for me many, many times.  Everyone has given you such great advice and suggestions so far.  I know you read my thread on being afraid of counseling and the why of it...often times when we are depressed and us who have been subjected to abusive situations as children and even as adults we tend to internalize this abuse.  Somehow we end up believing that it was our faults or what if we did something differant.  Even if we know it wasnt our faults we still have to live with the fact of dealing what had happened to us for the rest of our lives and how it effects everything and everyone around us, as it does.  I am famous for isolating myself and I have made or managed to make my world very small.  Maybe it is because I am afraid of getting hurt again, or because I just dont want the bother...I dont know? but it isnt healthy that I do know.

I dont know what the weather is like in the UK but I wondered if you could get outside and take walks?  I know last spring when I felt really bad depression wise I just started to get out of the house and walk, the sun and fresh air helped a lot.  Before long it became a routine with me and something I really enjoyed to do.  Also, maybe it would help some if you started to write down some of your thoughts in a journal.  Some people swear by them, I never had any benefit from it honestly but I have seen quite a few post on here that have said it helped just to get those negative thoughts out of their heads.  I will tell you that hurting yourself in anyway isnt going to acheive anything, I am sure you already know that. 

As for the counseling, that I believe comes when you feel your ready it shouldnt be something that is forced or else it wont work for you.  However, you can see a regular physician and get a prescription for an antidepressant or antianxiety medication and you wouldnt have to go into the telling of why.  All you would need to do is explain what kind of symptoms your having now...it is possible that the antidepressant you were on before just wasnt working for you, that does sometimes happen and is why keeping in close contact with the doctor is important. 

I hope that you keep posting...take care :-)


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


Lil_Angel
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 3/21/2007 12:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey! Thanks for all your posts, Im sorry i havent been in touch since, things have been bad for me lately, still are really.
I still havent been to counseling, still cant bring myself to doing it!

Im not 100% sure that i know the reason im depressed, im just pressumin it is after reading up about depression and as i have constant nightmares about my past.
Im worried about gettin help because im worried about what people will think, what the counsilor will think. Im scared to tell anyone face to face, i get upset when i have to talk or type about it and id just make a show of meself! And i think, actually talking about it will make it all real some how - am i being stupid??

I havent eaten for 2 weeks more or less and the stomach cramps are unberable, sometimes i can hardley move! But the thought of eating makes me feel even more ill.

Els, the weather at the moment is freezing but sunny, and yes i walk alot, i walk to and from work everyday. If im feeling bad i take a long walk home, it does help yes, but sometimes well most times i am so tempted to just keep walking and not come home. Monday night i disappeared for 3 hours after work but eventually came home because i felt guilty about not sayin bye to anyone, at least when i do other things i leave notes.

At the moment im feeling the worse iv ever felt. i was clean from selfharming for 2 weeks but started again lastnight. I managed to finally tell my cousin about that part a couple of weeks ago, but she took it bad, turned nasty and is now refusin to talk to me, so i guess i wont even bother to attempt to tell anyone else in the family!

Anyway thanks again for all your posts .. and sorry, some of my post is in txt language, iv tried not to use it!

xoxoxox
 
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els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/23/2007 8:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lil_Angel, I can understand your hesitating getting help, going to counseling because it would make it all "real" for you.  You dont need to worry about what you type here or even what you say to a conselor as being stupid or anything like that as your feelings are totally valid.  I'm not too sure that it matters why you do have the depression so much as why you are punishing your self so much by not eating and self harming.  These are the things that most of all need to be addressed. 
I am sorry that your cousin wasnt supportive when you told her of your self harm.  Sometimes this is a difficult thing to discuss and many people dont understand why and how someone can do these things to themselves.  It is touchy and really not something we can even discuss here on this board....but I am going to leave you a link that is really good and I do hope that you check it out. http://www.selfinjury.com/index.html
I dont know what is going on and you dont know what is going on but, you mention something about your past and have constant nightmares in your last post?  Perhaps if there was some sort of abuse issues or tramatic incident in your past or childhood you could be dealing with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder which you have named off some of the classic signs and symptoms of.  It does accompany Depression also so you can do some research on this if you like.  Either way please do consider getting treatment for what your going through...you really have nothing to lose by doing so.
Keep us posted...K? :-)

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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