Feeling really down.

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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 2/21/2007 4:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Just need a vent to be honest. Sorry:(
I've been feeling really really low this last couple of days, the feelings that I used to feel creeping back.
I just want to disown everyone in my family, except my little brother and sister. I'm fed up of them all.
There are reasons for feeling tis way, but then when i think deeply about it, these reasons probably are justified for how low i feel.
Even getting my guitar today, something I've wanted for years, has only have lightened my spirits a little, whereas usually it would be a huge huge deal.
A lot has gone on over the last few weeks, I've had a lot of bad news with regards to my health, and the fact it's only downhill from here, it won't get better. I've been coping with tht really really well though, and I think it's probably just my family just tipping me back over the edge into a major bout of depression.
Here's why:
My 21st birthday party was on Saturday, we had it at my BF's (paul's) mum's (Di's) house.
We were holding it there so I had an easy retreat to aroom if I needed to rest. And it was only a street away for me to get home. My mum went insane when she found out, and she refused to attend, meaning neither could my1 year old sister. My gran didn't show. Neither did my step dad, aunties and uncles, cousins. Not onesingle person of my family.
I got really annoyedwith her over the phone about it, and she hung up. I decided this was in no way going to spoil my celebrations.
My birthday was yesterday, and she came up the day before to drop off cards.
She wouldn't come up to the house, as she said she didn't have time, so I had to hobble down stairs with my crutches. Yet she reckoned there was time for us all to go for a meal. Until I pointed out the expense.
On my birthday, I received 2 calls. One from my mum, one from my gran. I told my mum I had the best birthday party in the world, and really rubbed her face in the fact that she didn't turn up. Then she said my gran was on a war path, as I wasn't wearing the chain she bought me when my mum came up.
Anyway, I ended the call with my mum, 10 minutes later my gran phoned. Kicking off, that I hadn't worn my chain, and that she bet's i didn't wear it at my party either, and how i don't appreciate anything she givesme, as I haven't wore the chain's she's give me 2 years previously (There yellow gold, she knows I only wear white gold or silver.)
I asked her how she'd even knew I didn't wear my chain at my party, and whether it would have actually mattered anyway, as noone in my family turned up to it.
She hung up on me.
Waited until about 5pm. Then got onto my dad in USA. He forgot my birthday last year, and I reminded him then he had no excuse, as it was 8 days before his. Suprise suprise I was online all day in background on my laptop. He was online also, but he did not send me a single happy birthday message. I'd even made it quite obvious by putting it in my msn name.
At 5 I sent a message saying 'forgot my birthday again then?' he sent me an email just saying 'remind me of your address again'
I kicked off big style. Really layed into the fact taht noone actually gives a darn that it's my birthday, yet if i forgot there's there would be murder. He's never been a father to me,left when i was 4, and only got back in contact when i was 15, when his mum died.
You know, on my birthday I got messages galore from my friends, paul's cousin. Not one of them forgot me, even the ones i don't speak to all that often. But all i wanted was a nice day, spent with my family, or at least with them giving a darn.
Even though i've got paul and all my friends. My mum has destroyed me in the fact that she never let me go anywhere ever when i lived there. Meaning that I'm used to aving famly surrounding me on my birthday. It's all I want.
I'm sick of my parents and gran telling me i'm just lazy, i should do housework, there's no excuse for my house to be a mess. There is, they know this, they know about all the diagnosis that has happened recently. I don't have the physical energy to do anything. Never mind the fact I can't even lift a shopping bag because I'm too weak, and I'm totally mentally drained.
I'm drid up of tears, and still all i want to do is sit and cry. Why are they doing this to me, it's not fair.
I know every challenge makes you stronger, and I expect to be super strong by the end of this one.
I'd been doing so well with medication and everything, but I'm finding I'm missing doses, and not even realising it. Missing my Sertraline is the worst thing ever, as it's the only thing that takes away the edge  off my depression. And it's getting me more down. I must be such a bad person if I can't even do this for paul, if i can't make myself happier for him.
It's starting to get bad already and this is only a few days in. I'm being moody,snappy, having full on tantrums again. I even kicked paul the other day because i was so wound up, and he was saying the wrong things.
I feel so guilty for putting my depression on him, never mind all my other health issues.
I'mso fed up of life, and just when things are starting to look better, then they get worse than what they were before.
I'm sorry if this post doesn't make much sense. It needed to be released. Luckily I do have an appointment next week with my Psychiatrist, and on the same day i have an appointment with my CF team, which includes my nurse and physio, who seem really good at making my head straight again. I just have to last till then i guess. I'm just so sick of feeling this way sad
Am I just been silly?
It's true!: Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Frown and the world turns upside down.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Allergies: Any dressing except Mepilex border. Even plasters make my skin blister. Hayfever, Tazocin, Tobromycin, Ibruprofen, Asprin, Codeine, Mirtazapine.
I have a pretty little port-a-cath on left side of chest wall

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 2/21/2007 6:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey DG, of course you are making sense and you don't have to apologize to anyone here for venting.  We have all been there and that is why we are there for each other. 
I don't know what to say about your family and I don't think there is anything that anyone can say because we don't have to live with them and you do.  I think it is all about choices though.  I have a sister that being around is really stressful because she can be really mean.  I have made the choice not to be around her when she is like that.  I hang out until I've had enough or she is mean to me and then I say, I don't want to be around you when you are treating me like this.  Then I say goodbye and leave.  It works for me and she is starting to get the point because she is more aware of her behavior when I am around.
The most important thing here is you and getting on a more even keel.  You can't do this for your boyfriend (no matter how wonderful he is) and he can't do this for your family.  Getting "better" (whatever that means) is about you.  You have to do this for you. You are the one in this issue who needs you to take charge of your health, you are the one in this issue who can make decisions about your care and you are the one in this issue who says what is best for you.  By taking charge and making the decisions you need to make to feel better and then taking the actions you need to feel better those around you will benefit but that is a secondary benefit.  You are what this is all about and there is nothing selfish about that. :-)
Walk in harmony

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 2/21/2007 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Darkies Gem, I just have to say that Stronglady is dead on with her response to you in my opinion.  It sounds as if you have a lot of support from your boyfriends family and that is priceless I know...but it in no way replaces support you should be getting from your own family or lack there of.  Your 21 and living on your own there is no reason for your mother or grandmother to treat you in the manner to which you have described.  You are going to have to set some boundries up with them and stick to it, your an adult not a child and the sooner they get that the better.
As for your father all I can say is that I understand what your going through.  My mom divorced my real dad when I was 3 and I didnt see him again until I was 21.  We live several hundred miles apart and he works alot so I dont hear much from him.  My dad didnt call me on my birthday this past year either, it was like 5 days later when he did or actually had his girlfriend call for him then he got on the phone.  I'm 33 yrs old now and yeah it still bothers me and hurts.  I dont know...I just figure that I cant make him care.
I deal with a lot of chronic health issues too and know how much it interupts your life and moods.  When your sick you need to have people around you who are going to be kind, caring and supportive of you not hateful, distrustful, and mean.  I hope you can get some of these issues resolved so you can concentrate on yourself and your needs.  We are always here for you...take care 

Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/22/2007 8:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Everyone has given you great advice. I just wanted to add that I know what you are going through because I have been living that family crap for most of my life.
I moved 2 hrs away from my family,and since then it has been worse. They do not call,and then when I finally give up and call them I get crap about them not hearing from me.
Then we had a fire that destroyed both of our cars,and my family has not made one phone call to see how things are going.
My b/f's family is another thing. His brother and brother in law rushed over the night of the fire. They came over every day after to see if we needed anything. His brother lent us his car until we could get one.
His mom and dad call all of the time and send emails. Now I will admit that they have caused alot of added stress as they keep telling us what bad things can happen,and are on our case about moving,and getting married. But,I will take that anytime of the day over just being ignored.
I believe that if something happened to me,his parents would be there before any of my family.
We can't pick our families. And alot of us get stuck with ones that just are too busy with their own lives.
One thing to think about,and to get revenge later down the years. When you have a family of your own,make sure you are always there for them.That you remember the special days,and that you call for no reason at all.
That means you are breaking the cycle,which is the most important thing.
Until then,I am afraid that unless you speak up and tell them that this is no way for a family to act,they will probably continue on. I have not spoken up yet. But,I know me and my temper and the day will come. I just know that when I finally do speak up it will be bad,and I will probably never speak to them again.
At this point in my life I just don't need the added stress.
Good luck with your family,I do hope it gets better.

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia


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