My relationship is ending

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Mouseykins
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 2/23/2007 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey everyone!
 
     I'm new here. I was dx with clinical depression a year ago just about although I think it's manic depression more so because I go from 1 extream to the other. I just really need to speak out - I've been trying out some other places but they're not really for me. I just want to talk to someone who shares the same experiences as I have or even just someone to talk to in general you know?
    Thing is recently my love life has gotten really bad. I'm a *** and recently came out to my parents. Although my girlfriend has been with me for 6 months she STILL hasn't told her parents that we're together, and it's starting to effect our relationship. I'm starting to feel as if she's ashamed or something like that sad . But I don't want to push her - I can understand why she's finding it hard because her mum is very religious but the longer she leaves it the worse it's going to get. I just wish we didn't have to sneak around - hmm is that selfish? We don't even hold each other anymore, not in the way we used to. I have been thinking about breaking up with her for a while, but i don't want to actully do that because the last time we broke up all I did was think about her and we both just got so depressed. Is there any way things can get better though? Communication - thats another area we both have problems in. We can't open up to each other - well we have done once and that's only because we were both drunk. There's always something that gets in the way of us I've had enough of it. If anyone does have anything to say or any suggestions I would love to hear from you. Thanks xx 

Geebs
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 184
   Posted 2/23/2007 5:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm assuming you are a ***....please correct me if I am mistaken.

I am a gay man who came out to my friends and family when I was young (16). Although they all knew, the coming out experience is still a painful one because sometimes we are not comfortable in our own skin yet. From what you wrote, it sounds like your girlfriend is still sorting out who she is and how she feels about it all, which is very common.

You can't push her to do anything and you don't want to pressure her to come out to her parents, but I think it's healthy to communicate how you both feel without passing judgement. But if a relationship isn't working, sometimes you have to move on.

Is their any LBGT counseling or groups available where you live? It could very helpful for both of you to meet other people who are going through the same thing.

Depression in the LBGT community is three times the rate of the community as a whole. So is drug and alcohol abuse. It's very important to address both issues early on, so they don't become a problem that defines your life.

Let us know how you're doing!
GEORGE

Mouseykins
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 2/24/2007 3:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey George nice to hear from you. You're right I am 1... well actully I'm a bisexual more so. Yeah I understad how painful it is - I recently came out to my parents and at first my mum wasn't exactly "supportive" she found it very upsetting and franklly she seemed quiet digusted with the whole idea. No no I know I can't push her - I don't want to push her eather. I just wish we didn't have to sneak around as much you know? She gets very upset just takling about it but I'm gonna stand by her no matter what she decides! I did suggest at 1 time maybe we should take a break aroud the time she does tell her mum just to make things easier. You're also right she is a very confused girl right now - she keeps changing her mind and can't decide weather she's actully gay or if she's a bisexual. Yeah I also think maybe if things aren't working out we should move on - even though it's going to be hard. I'm her first relationship I'm her first girlfriend, I'm her first everything! Which may be why she doesn't want to let go. But I'm not giving up on us just yet anyway nono .  I'm gonna try my hardest to help her through.Thanks alot for answering me :-)  xx

-x-Mousey-x-


wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 2/24/2007 4:22 AM (GMT -7)   
mousey,
 
i'm not gay, but i am old and have had a lot of experiences.  when we lived in england my wife and i had a wonderful gay friend.  we loved him like a younger brother. we also had friends who were a much older gay couple who had been together for about 30 yrs.
 
i know that this experience is limited, but it does give me a small foundation from which to generalize.  what george said in his post is confirmed in my experience.  our younger friend was always "looking for mr goodbar" (if you emember the movie).  he would find "mr right" only to find that his selection was distructive.  he covered his depression by always being the life of the party.  he was not alcoholic, although he did drink socially, and he did not abuse drugs.
 
i also want to point out that these exact same things can be said about many heteros and bi's.  not being hetero does not make you any more wierd or self-distructive than most of the heteros and bi's that i've known in my life.
 
you did say one thing that concerns me.  you said that you and your girl friend were having trouble communicating.  this is a death sentence for any relationship - i don't care what it is.  sex is great and wonderful and makes you feel good.  but if you and your partner can't communicate, you only have a short-term sexual relationship.  long-term relationships require commitment and commitment takes honesty and communication.
 
i hope this helps.  i wish you and your girlfriend the very best no matter what the outcome.
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/24/2007 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mousey
Geebs has given you great advice that is for sure.
I want to add that when it comes down to loving someone it does not matter if you are gay or not.
It basically sounds like you both are very confused on where you want your love to go.
I have often found myself asking this one question...."am I better off with him or without him",then I go thru the pros and cons in my mind.
A relationship is hard,you have to talk to each other,you have to be honest with each other.
You have to keep it healthy if not then it is doomed in the long run. It seems that if you are not in a healthy relationship both people involved end up walking away hurting very bad.
I really hope you both can figure out what you want. And you wake up the next day feeling right about your choice.
Good Luck!!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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Mouseykins
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 2/24/2007 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   

You both make very  good points and that whole thing about finding "mr right" distructive is sometimes how I feel, don't get me wrong God I love my girlfriend more than anything in this world but I find myself breaking down and stressing out and questioning how she feels and then finally just breaking into tears. I want to tell her this myself but how do I do that? Where do I begin to even communicate. I've never been in a relationship where I care enough about someone to do that ... what I'm trying to say is I care about this relationship and don't want to lose my girlfriend. I just don't know how to communicate confused .  I end up contradicting myself when I talk about this, so if I have done or do end up doing it pleazse let me know.

Thanks to you all xxx

-x-Mousey-x-



countrygal
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2004
Total Posts : 550
   Posted 2/25/2007 5:59 AM (GMT -7)   
 well tho it is from a different view,as me and my husband recently seperated.No matter the type of relatiionship,always be honest,then maybe thru counseling you will know what you want.But just know with it sometimes,as I do,we have to have something to help get us thru.I am on an anti-depressant.I am not ashamed as the meds and therapy have helped me greatly.It has really opened my eyes and made things clearer.I wish you much luck and (((HUGS))) :-)
I use to have a handle on life ,But it broke!!!!
 
I suppose I'm derranged..
 
 
Why I have not begun to Defile myself...


SaraTG
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 2/25/2007 7:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello..How are you?...I may have some input here but since the profiles seem to be somewhat limited I don`t know a lot about the person who originally posted..I am assuming Mousey is female?...An age would be nice...Also you seem confused about various sexual classifications...I am transgendered myself and am very active in the GLBT community and run a local support group....But I must agree with others who have said that a relationship that isn`t working or where things must be kept hidden are the same regardless of ones sexual orientation

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/25/2007 7:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Mousey
I just heard a story today that I think you need to hear.
One of my friends has been married for 20 years. She just was informed by her husband that he was leaving her. Why? Because he is gay.
She is devastated. They have 3 kids together and she is now sitting home alone wondering why she was not good enough. Realizing that the signs were there,but she chose not to see them.
20 Years is a long time to spend being unhappy. I would not wish that on anyone.
He was a great husband and is a great father. It makes me very sad to think that for all of these years he felt like he was dying inside.
She told me that if she had known that he was gay,she would have told him it was ok and that they would have still been great parents together no matter what. She wishes that after 20 years he trusted her enough to tell her.
I just don't want you to wake up 20 years from now and wonder why you are not living how you want to.
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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wmnak
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 2/25/2007 5:59 PM (GMT -7)   
mouse,
 
i'm the wong one to ask about communication.  most people consider me "aloof" and concieted.  i have few friends and don't really get along with people very well.  i don't suffer fools gladly and point out their foolishness 9never a big conversation opener).
 
 i am jewish and, like many jews, i learned to communicate by arggueing or debating.  my wife is not jewish and this tradition just makes her nervous and angry.  she is always telling me to communicate more.  i tell her that when i do we end up in an arguement.  then she says that it wouldn't have degenerated into an arguement if i hadn't contradicted her.  get the picture?  :-)
 
don't worry about how you are going to say things.  i once knew someone who rehersed eery conversation, only to have the conversation fall apart.  is this perhaps what you are attempting to do?  concentrate on WHAT you want to say.  the HOW will generally take care of itself.
 
hope this helps.
 
warren
That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.
 
 


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 2/27/2007 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
This may sound weird but I think gayness is the least of the things you are dealing with. Any relationship that one is in depends on open and honest communication. You have to work that out before you will be able to have a fulfilling relationship with anyone be it romantic, friendly or family. I think that kind of communication comes from knowing yourself and what you want so it may come as you figure out the rest of these things.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


Mouseykins
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 2/28/2007 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Heya! Sorry I haven't replied to anyone recently but my internet stopped working.
Okay firstly thanks to all for typing in their opinions, it's very much appreciated :-) .
I have good news yesterday we both really communicated with each other and it was really great! Okay to be honest it all started out with me having a few drinks - I guess that's bad but it opened a door in our relationship for me! I didn't know how my girlfriend (just going to call her K) really felt until last night. This morning when we woke up things felt better  :mad.gif','mad','mad');" height=15 alt=mad src="http://www.healingwell.com/community/emoticons/mad: ) and even though he cheated on me and totally hurt me we've remained very close friends (yeah even I'm confused confused ) but K is still worried that something is going to happen between me and him even though I have told her I don't like him in that way anymore! Even if I was single I wouldn't date the dude lol. Does anyone think I might be better off cutting contact with him??
 
Hey Sara you're right I am female and I'm 17 years old - oh yeah that reminds me is it tru that you can't have gay sex until you're 18? Am I breaking the law? confused
 
-x-Mousey-x-


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/28/2007 6:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mousey
I don't know about your state as far as breaking the law. That does not make sense to me if it is a law though.
I am glad you finally talked to her. I am sure you both feel alot better.

Now about the ex... if that person did not respect you enough to treat you like you should be treated by cheating on you..then why would you want any contact with him?
And if it is causing hardship between you and your g/f then I would cut contact.
You need to focus on you and your current relationship,and he really does not deserve your focus anyway.

Good luck!
Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


SaraTG
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 85
   Posted 2/28/2007 4:04 PM (GMT -7)   
>>>>>>Hey Sara you're right I am female and I'm 17 years old - oh yeah that reminds me is it tru that you can't have gay sex until you're 18? Am I breaking the law?<<<<<
 
   Oh my!..I think that might depend on a lot of things..Where you live..How old your partner is etc..In some states it is still technically illegal to have homosexual sex ever although the laws aren't enforced...But generally the age for that type of sex is the same for any type and would fall under your states age of consent laws ...As far as the rest of it I`ll have to go back and read all your posts as I kind of got lost with the him/her references in your last message confused
 
  But I think at your age you shouldn`t be getting to serious about ANY sort of romance gay or hetero to be so distraught
Mother
Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
What they mean
What they say
Mother

Mother
Can you keep them in the dark for life?
Can you hide them from the waiting world?
Oh mother

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