I'm not sure what to do anymore --

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zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 2/26/2007 4:35 PM (GMT -7)   
I came here because I needed to talk to someone not in my family or my friends.  They are, I am very sure, tired of me.  I am tired of myself.  I feel such a well of despair right now. I feel that I am a total failure in life, and if it weren't for my beloved cats, I would kill myself.
 
Let me start with my story.  Several weeks ago, January 10th, to be exact, I got fired from my job.  It was not a job I particularly liked, and I got fired for surfing the Internet at work.  It's not that I did not get my work done, but I was bored a great deal, and in just trying to cope with the stress of boredom, I turned to the Internet for relief.  And ended up losing my job.  And even though I have a good reference from someone (not my supervisor) there, it still doesn't change the fact that I was fired.
 
I immediately felt such strong feelings of shame that some days I did not even make it out of the house.  I did work up a new resume, but because I felt such shame over losing my job, I put down that I was still at that job, hoping to quickly get a new job and not have to explain that I was FIRED from my last job for something as embarrassing as surfing the Internet.
 
Well, today the lie ended.  A recruiter called my former workplace and found out that I am not there.  She immediately called me at my house and told me that under no circumstances would she be placing me.  I just stammered that I understood and that I was sorry. 
 
That was around nine thirty this morning.  It's six thirty now, and I still haven't eaten anything or gotten out of my pyjamas.  I feel that I will be spending the rest of my life working at Wal-Mart or McDonald's because NO ONE wants to hire someone who was fired for surfing the Internet.  I can't even talk about this with my family because I am so ashamed of what I have done and how my life has turned out.  I have a college degree and a Master's degree, but I can't get a job, at least not at this point. 
 
The obsessive thoughts are the worst. I can't stop thinking about a future of unemployment or desolation and disgrace.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 2/26/2007 5:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Zinniagirl
Welcome to the board,I am very glad that you found us,and please post as often as you want!
First of all,I am not sure about the state that you live in,but in my state an employer can not indulge why you were let go. All they are allowed to say is that you no longer work there,and how long you were employed.
Now,I understand that you are embarrased.But, it was ONLY surfing the net.To fire you for that does not make sense to me.It is not like you stole money or something worse than that.
But,for now I would just go to a different recruiter and just tell them that the reason you no longer work for that company is due to "personalility differences,or something to that nature. I would not tell them that you were fired,and do not tell them for what reason.
You will be fine,do not let someone like that recruiter get you down.That was VERY unprofessional of her to call you and tell you that. Things happen,it is not her job to riducle you for it. Who is she? HELLO!!!
In fact,if it was me I would be thinking about calling her boss and telling them how rude and unprofessional she is.
You will find a job. I know that things look bleak right now,but keep your head up and do not let someone put you down for something like surfing the net.
Please let us know how you are doing!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 2/26/2007 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for replying to my post, Shy. I really am in quite a state here, and just by your thoughtful posting, I feel better. I feel that there is someone, somewhere out there who does care about me.

A little while ago, I sat down and sobbed, and one of my cats, SweetPea, came and put her paw right on me and looked into my face. I cannot leave these guys to fend for themselves, and that's what I would be doing if I were to kill myself. The thing is, I don't want to die, I just want these horrible feelings of shame and worthlessness to just STOP.

bigbear
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 2/26/2007 6:59 PM (GMT -7)   
You are being way to hard on yourself and seem to be blowing things out of proportion. Try and counter your thoughts with more objective and not so emotionallly charged ones and you will start to feel a lot better. I wish I had a masters degree, I'm sure you will land on your feet eventually :)

bigbear
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 2/26/2007 7:00 PM (GMT -7)   
P.S. This could be a turning point in your life that spurs you to get the help you need to feel better and eventually land a job you enjoy a lot more!

lisale70
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 2/26/2007 10:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, zinniagirl, I'm new here too, and I can beat you at the "getting fired" game!:)
I am (was?) a health care worker, and I lost my job of 8 years for stealing meds. Became addicted to anti-anxiety medication, and was actually suffering withdrawal symptoms when I'd run out, so, at the time, didn't know what else to do besides just take the meds that I was handing out to patients.
Feeling ashamed? - Lord, do I know how that feels! And, honestly, your surfing the internet isn't nearly as big a deal as what I did. But I do understand the horrible feeling of the phone call that you got; I've had the same kind of thing from bill-collectors. I feel almost frozen with fear when the phone rings. Sometimes I cover my ears with my hands so I don't have to hear the message that's being left on my answering machine.
You're not alone!
Lisa

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 2/27/2007 12:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Lisale70, I am so sorry. The last time I was hospitalized for depression I was in group therapy with a healthcare worker who also lost his job because he was taking the patients' medications. He also felt a deep sense of shame. Are you in a support/12-step group? I so wish there was one here I could join, but there is not, to my knowledge, any support group for People who Got Fired for Surfing the Internet, at least not in my area.

BigBear, I know, I am being too hard on myself and am blowing things out of proportion, those are two of the classic symptoms of depression. I have chronic depression and have battled this illness for years and have even been hospitalized for it. So I HAVE gotten help for this problem, but with this latest setback, it has reared its hideously ugly head again. I have been on Zoloft, 200 mg per day, for over the past five years. I am trying, really, to counter my emotionally charged thoughts with more rational thoughts, but that doesn't seem to be working. I still feel a deep sense of despair and shame.

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 2/27/2007 5:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Ooops. I just re-read your original post. You are in an addiction support group. Sorry about that. I hope it's working for you.

bigbear
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 129
   Posted 2/27/2007 2:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Zinnia, good for you for continuing to try to find a solution and with that great attitude I am sure you will eventually :) If not through the cbt exercises that helped me perhaps something else or a combo if things. Keep trying and you will eventually get where you want to be!

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 2/28/2007 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, folks, I am back. I believe I may have hit bottom yesterday, but I got help and kept myself safe. I don't have a job, but I do have my own life.

I just have to LET GO of this stupid feeling of shame over my firing, deal with it honestly and appropriately, and then just move on. I am thinking of going back to school to get a paralegal certification, and then going back into the job market. We shall see. There is still hope that I can salvage/resurrect/re-start my career, this time honestly.

Warms hugs to you all. Thanks for being here for me.

Zinniagirl

crohndi
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2006
Total Posts : 41
   Posted 3/2/2007 6:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there!

Try not to feel so bad about being fired. People sneak in internet searches all the time at work..! It was just badluck that you happened to get caught.
On the other hand, you said that you wern't so happy in this job anyway.. so maybe it wasn't so bad after all that it happened?
Obsessives thoughts can be horrible but try and stay focused on the 'now' and ways in which you can solve your problem. look at the solutions!
ps Congrats on overcoming rockbottom! sounds like you have some good ideas planned! gluck!!

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/12/2007 7:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I have another job interview this afternoon, and I am having a really hard time not cancelling it. The rational part of me knows that I have a tremendous amount to offer an employer. The irrational part of me just wants to climb back into bed and stay there. Mornings are the worst part of the day for me, and this morning is no exception. Also, one of my cats, Boris, is missing. I let him out last night, and he is nowhere to be seen this morning. I called and called and am just so worried about him. This is not at all like him to be away for so long and out of calling distance.

All I can do is keep going, I know that, but it's so tempting to just lie down and give up.

zinniagirl

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/12/2007 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Whew! Just got in from the world's longest and most bizarre job interview. During one part of the interview, I actually had to ANSWER THE OFFICE PHONE -- twice. Keep in mind, I was just interviewing for the job, I've not been hired. I think it went well, and I had a few laughs.

Now if only Boris would come home...Where is he???

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/12/2007 4:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Whew! Just got in from the world's longest and most bizarre job interview. During one part of the interview, I actually had to ANSWER THE OFFICE PHONE -- twice. Keep in mind, I was just interviewing for the job, I've not been hired. I think it went well, and I had a few laughs.

Now if only Boris would come home...Where is he???

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/13/2007 4:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Zinnia
Did Boris come home? It is so scary when pets go on their little adventures like that.
I so hope you find him!!
Please keep us posted.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/13/2007 5:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Boris came home! He's fine, no injuries. And no apology either for making me worry! He's neutered, so I don't think he was calling on any lady kitties, but I can't help but wonder...where was he and what was he doing?

Cats are a mystery.

zinniagirl

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/13/2007 5:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Whew! So glad he came home.
He was on an adventure and he will never tell what type of trouble he got into!
My cat used to pull that,and I would go out to get the paper and call her for the millionth time,and there would be a nice icky present on the steps(usually on my newspaper) and she would be sitting at the bottom of the steps looking at me like "there is dinner mom". Good grief!


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/13/2007 3:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Well, I just heard back from the law firm I interviewed with yesterday. They want me to come in to finalize an offer this Friday. So, at this point, it looks like I might be gainfully employed, this after two months of being unemployed and heading into a downward spiral. Surprise! Getting fired tends to exert downward pressure on self-esteem and feelings of empowerment. I spent most of today in bed, so I can attest to this phenomenon.

The thing is, the job is not my ideal job, nor environment, but it's the only offer I've got, after about six weeks of intense searching. I feel as though I need to work to help my recovery, as a regular job offers socialization, structure, and a steady income. I mean, the place is a bit weird and a total mess -- I'm talking case files everywhere, on every surface, even on the floor.

But...if I proved myself, and I'm sure I could, I could grow in this job and take on paralegal-type assignments.

But...what if I take the job and my depression just won't quit? And then I'll get fired and then I'll be even more depressed. I'm really in a dither here. I should probably go vacuum something.

zinniagirl

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/14/2007 5:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Zinnia
I too took a job because it was the first offer and I am "ok" with it. Not my ideal job but it is a paycheck.
You can continue looking while you are working. And quite frankly I think it is easier to find a job when you already have one.
Hopefully they won't make you sign a contract and if you find another job then you just give a notice.

I think you will find that the depression is not going to just go away,you suffered a very traumatic experience. And you will need to continue your treatment in order to get better.
But,your mind will be alot more at ease when you have paychecks coming in again.

So,with all of that said...Congratulations ahead of time!!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/14/2007 12:29 PM (GMT -7)   
You said it, sistah. My depression is chronic, with me for the rest of my life. One of the reasons I was able to bounce back so quickly after hitting bottom was that I was already in touch with a really good psychiatric nurse. I make it a point never to be out of touch with the mental health community. While I am compliant with my meds, I know that meds, in and of themselves, will not keep me well. I have to keep getting help and keep working, day by day, on my recovery.

I also hear what you are saying re: not an ideal job. I so need to go back to work! We shall see what happens on Friday.

Meanwhile, Boris is gone on a walkabout again. I am so going to ground him! I mean, where is he? Does he have his own cable show or something that he has to tape? Another home? Grrrrrrrrr...

zinniagirl
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