I'm new to the forum and am literally about to break, I would appreciate any advice, help, someone to talk to etc, anything that can help me with my depression.
I'm 19 and have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have had a pretty bad start in life that I have found it hard to recover from and things are getting worse so fast I'm scared that I will mentally and physically shut down if things don't improve soon.
I think I have some form of social anxiety which goes back to when I was at school. People just didn't want to know me at all, and the people that did associate with me only did so in order to manipulate and abuse me. I tried so many ways to make friends, but no matter what I did it wasn't enough and I found myself alone most of the time. This scarred me badly and I was determined that when I left school I would make a new life for myself and have a fresh start.
I'm not what you'd call shy, I can approach people easily, I can have a great conversation with a willing person, I can be quite loud. But I feel like I'm constantly being judged and because I expect to be disliked I think that makes it happen. So when I started my 'new life' I found it easy to make friends, but noticed that I couldn't keep them. They would tire of me very easily or we would grow apart and I found myself thinking it was because I really was worthless. All that time I had held out some hope that I was actually a decent person and people at school were just being childish, when actually it was me and I'd be stuck the same way forever.
This has been a consistent pattern and most of the people I know would not consider me a friend. It breaks my heart because I can't stop hoping for it all to change and I actively try to change my situation but it just has the same outcome every time. I am alone in a strange city with only one friend, who I have only kept through the sheer amount I have done for her. People ignore me when I speak, they shove into me, they act like I'm worthless. And I'm too frightened to do anything about it. I see opportunties pass me by and it devestates me that I physically can't take them. I'm absolutely terrified. Every time I do try I'm knocked down and I can only take so much.
I've never admitted this to anyone as I'm so ashamed, my family and the few friends I have think that I'm confident and loved and always have been, and I know I'll never be able to admit the truth. I'm so lonely and I know that if I felt respected and liked that would change, that would give me back some of my self-esteem and I would develop the confidence to overcome my other problems but I just can't seem to make it happen despite years of effort. I have been and still am to some extent suicidal because of this loneliness but the only thing that has kept me going is the hope that I can change my life, but my efforts keep being destroyed and I know once I lose that hope that's it for me. I just don't know how to change it, as nothing I try works.
Please if anyone has any advice speak to me, I need your help urgently and I would appreciate anything you have to offer.