Coping with depression long distance...

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/6/2007 11:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there...
 
My name is Ann and i'm from Costa Rica. Last year I met up with my long time love, we've been into each other since I was 14 and life has taken us full circle until we finally met again with plans to possibly be together.
 
This past christmas and new years he came down to Costa Rica to be with me, it was so amazing that he almost decided to stay but then had to go back to Canada because he got offered his dream scholarship for his PhD. Things have been good, he has suffered from Depression before but being together and him being in school was making things better by the day...
 
Sunddenly he's back down again, and way down, he just feels lost within himself and now he can barely sit to chat with me. I love him to death and i want to help but i'm so far away that i just feel useless. When we sit and chat he just sits there with not much to say other than "where's the bottom?" or "what the hell is wrong with me?? i'm brain dead"...
 
Some days i just want to jump on a plane and fly over and just hug him over and over again and tell him it's all going to be ok. Other days i just feel like he should be here, he was so happy when he came to visit that he was just a totally different person... it would help, and i could be here for him 24/7...
 
I love him, i want to help... i know he feels guilty for dragging me into this and it probably makes matters worse, but i have no intentions of stepping away or letting him go.
 
How can I help him from a distance? Is there anything I can say to him to help? How can I show my support in words? How can I be there if i'm not really there?
 
If anybody has any suggestions, i'm open to anything...
 
Thank you!
 
Ann

Post Edited (annbrampton) : 3/6/2007 11:27:41 AM (GMT-7)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/7/2007 5:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ann
Welcome to the board!!

Wow,that is a hard dilemma that is for sure. And I think he is very lucky to have someone that cares so much about him.
The first thing I would do is suggest that he sees a Doctor. Now,keep in mind that might be a conquest in itself as some people have a very hard time taking that first step.
After that,then just listening to him. Try to stay positive on your side,which I am sure is hard because he is so down.
If he says this is not going right,then you can suggest ways to make it go better.
Also checking into some books on depression and maybe sending him one that you think he might relate too.
I (being a hopeless romantic) would also send emails that tell him how much he means to me,and talk about the future.

Good Luck!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

beta.propichosting.com/Album.aspx?folder=450019949


annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/7/2007 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Shy,

Thank you for your reply...

Actually, he has seen a doctor before and he saw her again yesterday and she doubled up his head candy [as he would put it!] So yes, he is taking medication and he's very good about that, he's totally aware that he's down and very depressed...

Thanks for the tips, it's really hard to talk anything online with him since he's there but he's really not. Last night he didn't even remember the few lines we talked earlier in the afternoon so yes, it's tough sometimes.

I think i'm scared about talking to him about the future because I feel that the fact that we're so far from each other sometimes just adds to his stress and the fact that he has to think about how to make it work just depresses him more...  but i will try to e-mail him more and just tell him how much i care for him and hope he gets better... I think he feels very guilty too for "dragging"  me into this, but i sure don't think about it that way... think i'll tell him that too, thankyou!

I have been reading a lot about depression online and of course, i'm here learning more and more each day, jsut to be able to get a better understanding of what he's going through... he knows it too... i told him i've been doing that.

Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it! :-)

Ann


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/7/2007 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Have you or he read Andrew Solomon's book on depression "The Noonday Demon"? I recommend that to people who either have depression or is close to someone who does. Solomon does a good job of explaining the many aspects of depression -- social, economic, political, and personal.

There's also "Hello to All That". Can't remember the author's name, but it was written by a journalist who, while in Bosnia, ran out of his anti-depressants and had a major depressive episode.

Something just occurred to me: If I am reading your post correctly, it seems that he was happy in Costa Rica, then went back to Canada and went into a depression. Could he have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)? There is light therapy for that, and his national health insurance might cover it the cost of the light.

It's snowy and gray here. Costa Rica sounds like paradise right now. Sigh.

zinniagirl

annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/7/2007 9:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Zinniagirl!

Thanks for the advice on the books, it's hard to find any kind of book here in Costa Rica but i'll see if i can find them on Amazon and have them send down...

Actually... u hit a very sore spot there, he's totally affected by the winter in Canada... he's so much better when i'ts nice and sunny outside. Here in Costa Rica he was a totally different person and i'm sure the weather had a lot to do with it, he actually told me that once too. We do sometimes talk about him moving down here, which is probably the best idea yet... but i'm just so scared that he'll think that i'm suggesting it out of selfishness or my own personal interest, so it's hard to talk about. I'm pretty sure things would change a lot for him once he's here again but how do I go around telling him u know?

At the moment he has decided to quit school and just get a job and i think it's wonderful, will help him get back on track. I try to talk to him about moving here and i'm even trying to see if my family business will get him a job but we'll just see what happens next...

Today's been positive for him actually, he's been cheery and chatty... so i'm happy with that!

Thanks for the advice!!

Ann


xtx
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 3/7/2007 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ann,
You've been so supportive and I really admire that because I know how hard it can be. Just keep letting him know how much you're there for him, sometimes a simple 'talk to me, I want to know all about it' can make all the difference. How much does he open up to you about the causes of his depression, as opposed to just how he feels about it? Maybe you could encourage him to talk about what goes through his mind when he feels so low and frustrated. Is it loneliness being so far apart? Is it something else in his life that he has no control over?
x

annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/7/2007 9:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi XTX!
 
Thank you for that... yes, starting yesterday i've been trying to tell him a lot more often how proud I am of him and that i want to be there for him and reminding him that things can only get better from now on...
 
The causes of his depression go way back, he left his wife last year and is having a hard time divorcing her, she's really controlling and she's making it hell for him. I know that's one of the reasons... i think all the rest has just added to it... trying to cope with school, the fact that he's back at his mom's house, etc. He had been doing fine until he began meeting with her again to talk about the divorce, so i'm pretty sure that's what sent him spinning again and just brought him way down. Since his wife was/is so controlling i try hard not to get too involved in what he does or decides to do for his future, reason why i feel bad about talking to him about how good it would be for him to move down here again...
 
Sometimes he does open up and tells me how he feels and yes we've talked about the many reasons why he suffers of depression, he's very aware of all the details and medications and stuff. I think i'm just trying to be very careful not to push him to talk about something when he's down and probably doesnt feel like talking about it at all... i just try to be there just in case he feels like talking...
 
When he's really low, like yesterday, he doesn't talk... he just sits there blank and at night, if he's more talkative, he actually can't remember much about our conversation during the day.
 
Today he's way better so far, we had a nice conversation this morning and he even agreed for me to find out about jobs here... and he's also agreed for me to find out how hard/easy it would be to work out his divorce from here.
 
Thanks for that... i'm getting there... :o)
 
Ann

stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 3/7/2007 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
All you really can do is try to be understanding and supportive.  In order to deal with depression your guy has to be able to be in charge of his own treatment.  One of the things that can go on for us with depression is that we worry about wearing out the ones who do support us.  Having someone who will stand by you is a tremendous help.  It sounds like you are both doing all the best things.
 
I wanted to comment on SAD as it is one of my issues.  I live in the Pacific Northwest, very close to Canada.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is actually a vitamin D deficiency.  In order to correct this it takes mega doses of Vit D.  It is however possible to overdose on Vit D so one should not try to treat this without a doctor's care.  Most traditional doctors don't know very much about it and think that light therapy is the only thing to do.  While light therapy does improve things it is not the only thing to do.  Light therapy also has to be the correct sort of light.  Check out a website for Apollo lights (only their website though, don't be fooled by others who want to sell their product).  There is an amazing amount of research that you can access through that site.  I see a naturalpathic doctor who is extremely knowledgable about SAD and it has made a world of difference.
 
 
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/7/2007 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there...
 
Thank you for that, it's really conforting to know that i'm on the right path... i'll look into that SAD thing, i know it affects him a little but i'm not sure how serious it is, he's way fully aware of it too so he's good at keeping control.
 
Thankyou for that... :o)
 
Ann

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/7/2007 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks for the further info on SAD, Stronglady4me. I did not know it was a Vit D deficiency.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, December 06, 2016 3:28 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,407 posts in 301,114 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151254 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Amir5600.
207 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
vanagirl, mg004f, Stetsonva, amybanks


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer