Sexual abuse & rape

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els
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Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 3/11/2007 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I promised we would restart a thread on this topic again and we will on the basis that it remains supportive and helpful for those that has things to contribute to it.  This is a very touchy and hurtful subject for the people that have survived sexual abuse and rape,  I only ask that everyone please keep that in mind when posting replies and comments to this thread.  Thank you ~ Elisha 

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
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snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 3/11/2007 4:17 PM (GMT -7)   
This isn`t an easy subject to talk about in fact it took me over fourty years before i could even tell anyone and i`m not sure if it was the right thing to do even then but i needed to tell someone .I know it effected my sexual relationship with my hubby at the time i had been married 22 yrs and never even mentioned it to him.He had no idea why i did certain things (like pulling away during certain times ) i just didn`t want anyone to know about it .It still to this day makes me feel dirty and ashamed .In the fact that i let it happen to me and that i didn`t tell anyone the first time ,maybe then it wouldn`t of continued ,
I was five when i remember my brother raping me as my family were at my dying grandmothers bed side .I was so frightened i had no idea what he was even doing to me and that it was wrong .It hurt so much but he kept on doing it and then he grabbed me around the neck so tigh and said he would kill me if i told mum about it or anyone .I still see all the blood that was there that day and i feel the pain all the time it`s like it had only just happened .How mum never found out i don`t know because there was so much blood .This was the first time anyone had hurt me like this ,i had floogings from my parents lots of times but this was so much more painful it hurt for a long time but i never told anyone.My grandmother died that day as did part of me .If only i had of told someone it would of stopped there but today i have to stop i can`t write any more i will another time but not now .
restless

olivia of course
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 3/11/2007 8:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Restless,
 
I feel your pain, a similar situation happened to me.  Please do not feel guilty about not telling anyone, you were so young and didn't know what you were supposed to do.  Hang in there, and know you are not alone.
 
I was three years old when it first happened, and it was my older next door neighbor (about 7yrs old) thought it would be fun to mess around.  what did I know.  This continued till I was about 5 or so.  No one knows of this, I just lived in silence.  It was not till I got older that I realized how much it affected my life, in a negative way.  I carried around a feeling of guilt and shame, but it was not my fault.
 
As time passed by, the pain of my childhood began to fade.  I finally didn't feel scared and helpless anymore.  But that feeling didn't last long, because something else happened.
 
To make matters worse, I let a person who I thought was a friend stay with me in 2004, and he raped me.  He stayed with me before, so I thought nothing would happen this time around but I was wrong.
 
I have been carrying the pain with me since then, and trying to deal with it everyday.  All the pain from my childhood came back intensified, and new ones were created.  Half of the time I wonder how I made it this far, because no matter what I do it hurts soooo much.  I often wonder, if the pain will ever end.
 
I have barely talked about my childhood expereince, and only briefly mentioned my rape.  It is not that I don't want to heal, but dealing with it has been a horrifying experience.  This is the first time I am telling of my painful and unfortunetly unforgetable experience.  I keep hearing that healing takes time, and the pain will start to fade.  I am still waiting for that day.


~Olivia

"Don't let your yesterday ruin your today."


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 3/12/2007 12:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Olivia i know what you mean but for me i felt ther was some thing wrong with me because it kept on happening and yet no one could se i was in so much pain. We lived in the same town as my Aunt and uncle and we would have family outings all the time go fishing and swimming thats when my uncle started to do things to me .I thought why me there were three other girls in my family but it was always me when we were swimming he would put his fingers up inside me it was so bad and when i would start to cry he would hold me under the water i thought i was going to drown and was so scared of him .I never wanted to go when we went out with them but the more i complained the more my parents would hit me .
I thought my escape came when we moved away but our house we were moving into wasn`t ready and we had to stay at a friends house but i thought it was ok as i was away form my uncle and i made up excuses not to be around my brother and was everso pleased he was sent to bording school .How short live it was as one night at these friends house i went to bd before anyone as i was sick .I had only been in bed a short while when the oldest boy from the family came into my room he was 18-19 maybe more i`m not sure but he put his hand over my mouth so no one could hear me scream and he raped me it was the same thing over again i just couldn`t escape it where ever i went it happened again and again . That night on i wet the bed every night toscared to get up just incase i ran into him .But still i couldn`t tell anyone i was in fear from him he was so big.When we moved to the house my parents livein still the only abuse i ever has was the bashings from them as they would come home drunk and if we got in their way then we would be flogged .I was always covered in bruises and too frightened someone would find out i was ashamed as to what was happening to me and my siblings .Then when my brother came home from bording school i soon learn`t that it wasn`t just me that this was happening to but to my two younger sisters also. but we were still too frightened to tell anyone about it my brother said we would all be put in a home and not see each other and we didn`t know any better.Now i have flashbacks of other occassions that i am not even aware about i know there are three raping me and i feel so much pain and the pressure of someone holding my shoulders down i see the three of them but i don`t see their faces ...I don`t have contact with my family as i don`t know who it was who has done this to me it could be anyone ..Ok thats all for me today i just have had enough for now .Restless

AMM
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 234
   Posted 3/12/2007 3:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi. I can't say I have experienced what you have. I actually usually visit another forum on here but have struggled with some depression so I came here this morning. Even though I have not experienced this horrible thing, your words have really touched me. I have to say you are both very courageous. As much as you might sometimes feel there is something wrong with you, there isn't. You are survivors. You did nothing at all wrong or to deserve what you went through. No child does and no adult does. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I wish there was some magical words that would take away your pain. I know that there isn't. It is just so wrong that anyone ever has to experience such things. The touches a child should grow up remembering are sweet, innocent kisses, hugs when you scrape your knee, being held and cuddled when you are afraid, being read stories at bedtime. No child should even know the things you describe exist. They shouldn't exist. And concerning the more recent rape, that wasn't your fault either. And there is nothing at all wrong with you. There is something wrong with people who would do that to another person. I am the mother of two daughters. I hope I never have to hear that someone has done a horrible thing to one of them. I know that I will always believe my child over any other person, no matter how much I love or trust them. I will always remember the words you said here about what you have gone through and I will always be watching thier backs. I wish you the best. My heart goes out to you.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  Shouldn't I be invincible by now?


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/12/2007 7:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Olivia and restless 1, there is nothing at all wrong with either one of you. Neither of you asked to be brutalized and violated. The pain and suffering you have outlined in your posts are just harrowing. How could someone do that to anyone, let anyone a small child? A family member? They are just sick and evil people. Evil does exist in the universe, and the perpetrators of this abuse are proof of that. The shame is on them, not on either of you.

zinniagirl

redrose
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 3/13/2007 7:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I was molested by the owner of the vacation cottage where my family went every summer. I was 12 and he was ~65. I felt so guilty - I still do to some extent. I was old enough to know what was going on and I did not stop it. What really honks me off 30 some years later is that there were many other victims, including my older cousins. If even one of them had said something, it may not have happened to anyone else. I suppose I can't blame them, though, it took me 25 years to tell anyone - my therapist.

Redrose
Undiagnosed symptoms for many years. Dx in 12/06. Sm. Bowel resection (60cm.) 1/07
currently on 50 mg. Imuran, 40 mg. pred., vicodin for continuing pain


Sassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 646
   Posted 3/14/2007 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   
Just reading your posts brings me back to my childhood experience. My heart goes out to all of you who have survived and had the courage to talk about it. It took me 35 yrs to deal with it. Even though it was just once--the abuse came with horrible lasting effects. Starting with anorexia, bulimia, depression, suicide attempts and picking abusive men. Only difference now, the guilt is not there. I did manage to find a wonderful person to share my life with and help me through. There is always hope. Once my familiy was told of the incest--the road to healing began. Therapy, anti-depressants, and time has helped me to move forward. I do still feel guilty about not telling my parents sooner, as the abuser went on to rape other girls and was charged, but got off. But it still took me 25 more yrs to build the courage and let it out.

Don't let them "it" rule your lives. Sassy
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Howl.Plath
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 3/14/2007 10:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I suffered from the same thing that both Restless and Olivia did, although not as violent. At the age of 4 my brother consistently molested me for around 6 months. I didn't know it was wrong and I never told anyone and I burried the memory. I finaly came to reality with what happened to me when I was around 14. I now find that in my relationship with my boyfriend that I can't help but be overtly sexual and find it painful when he rejects me. I know that there are other elements to my depression that effect me but this is the earliest incident that effected me. I have always wondered what kind of person I would have become and what kind of outlook I would have had on the world if this didn't happen to me. I feel like I can't help but wonder. Now when my boyfriend rejects me when I am wanting to have sex it deeply effects me, and at first I started to wonder why, and I still do. I dont know why I react so harshly to his rejection of not wanting to have sex with me. All I know is that it leads me to have feelings of being unloved and unwanted. My boyfriend and I have arguments about this and it leads me to become so depressed that I feel like committing sucicide. I have lied to my therapist repeatedly about my sucicide attempts and feel like nothing actually bothers me about dying, except for the fact that my mom would be destroyed. I can't help but wonder how many women have been so horribly effected by incidents such as this. I wish that things like this never happened to anyone. I just don't know how to cope sometimes.

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 3/15/2007 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
It just shocks me that this happens so much but the above story was only my first of many accounts of abust the next one ocoured a about six months later when we were on a fishing trip with my mums brother mum and dad and my aunt and my little brother went for a ride up the river in the boat we were all swimming in the river with my uncle having fun ,Until he picked me up and was throwing me in the water that was ok then he picked me up but this time he hurt me he put his fingers up inside me it hurt so much i was crying so he held me under the water and wouldn`t let me up i was so scared he just wouldn`t stop it hurt so much no one could tell what he was doing they were all playing over the side of the river he told me he would put me under the water and keep me under there if i told anyone .Finally he let me go it was so sore but i was just too scared to tell anyone .he continued to do this to me lots of times .I was so pleased to hear we were going to move away atleast it would stop now.

When we moved away our house wasn`t ready so we had to stay with some of my parents friends for a couple of weeks .That was ok at first they had lots of animals there .Until one night when i went to bed early i was in bed for a while when the oldest boy came in .He took my undies off and did the same thing my brother had done it just hurt so much i still feel the pains now shooting up inside me .he wouldn`t stop i couldn`t breathe .The next thing i remember was waking up i had wet the bed it still hurt so much i could hardly walk and when mum found out i had wet the bed she flogged me i wet the bed every night i was just too scared to go out to the toilet as he might still be awake and do it again.but i was flogged each day for wetting and to this day i still have accidents and am so embarrassed i hide it from my hubby.

I was so pleased when we moved from there but then my brother started again i just couldn`t escape it .then one night i walked into our room and foung him raping my little sister it`s not right but we were just too scared to tell as we were constantly being abused by our parents as they would come home drunk each night and take their anger out on us kids .I was to ashamed and felt so dirty to tell anyone about it and would wear long clothes to cover up all the bruises so no one could see them i didn`t want anyone to even know what was happening to us
I can`t do any more tonight will continue another time .
Restless

ican
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 3/17/2007 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Restless,
I sat here reading all the posts.  You don't know how much all that was said hit home.  I too was molested for the first time at 5 yrs old by a cousin who was 16.  Around 8 yrs old to about 10 or 11 my sister molested me.  At 16 my boyfriend raped me.  I too was silent about all that happened to me.  I was brought up Catholic and sex was not something you could talk to your parents about, plus I went to Catholic school for 6 years and most people know how they view sex.  I also felt dirty and ashamed.  My neighbor when I was 16 and up until now has a habit of putting his hands where they don't belong.  Good thing is he lives in Florida now and I think if he tried it now I would deck him.  I have 3 children.  2 girls and a boy.  A year ago, my youngest daughter was raped by my niece's husband.  That was what brought my past crashing through.  We started family therapy and that was when I told for the first time what had happened.  We had to answer questions about our families and one of the questions she asked was Were you ever sexually assaulted?  I looked at her and I had a decision to make and make it quick.  Do I say yes or do I lie and live with the secrets any longer.  Not once had I ever been asked that question, even during physicals the only question asked is about domestic violence.  My answer to her at that moment was I don't want to go there right now.  She made an appointment for me with her at a later time.  That was when everything came out.  She has helped me tremendously with the sexual abuse.  She, too, had been molested by her brother.  She referred me to a book called Courage to Heal.  It is a tough book and must be taken slowly.  It comes with a workbook and it covers everything.  I suggest that if you seek out this book, make sure you have a support system in place because you will need it to get through.  Being hooked up with a counselor is also recommended. I have been working on the fallout from the sexual abuse for over a year now.  I just had to start with a new therapist, so I'm back to rehashing my past but this time it is not affecting me the same way as it did the first time I talked about it.  I'm not saying that it isn't tough but I have learned how to handle the emotions and know where they are coming from.  So I guess they were right in that it does get easier.  To this day, my mom does not know what happened to me.  The only people that know are my husband, children, therapists, and close friends.  I am not at the point in my healing where I can confront my mother with this.  I do not have to confront her to heal.  I can heal without telling her at all.  It's my decision and mine alone.  It takes a lot of work, but I think it is worth the effort.  The important thing to remember is that we are SURVIVORS.  We have survived the worst, our childhood.  We are STRONGER than we give ourselves credit for.  Sorry this is so long.  Hang in there.
ICan smurf

Sassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 646
   Posted 3/17/2007 9:40 PM (GMT -7)   
ican, I also went through the book. The Courage to Heal. Yes is was difficult. I could hardly read it. But I am glad I did. This was the 2nd step to finally moving forward. I too was molested by a family member. A cousin. Therefor telling my mom her sister's kid did this to me was too much for me to do. It took over 30 yrs before I could hurt her with this news. In the end, it was the only thing that would actually help. I felt guilty I would break up the whole family. I love my mom dearly, but at times I would blame her for letting him live with us that summer. She faced her sister right away after hearing. The wound was deep, but she still has a relationship with her. I myself--do not. Her son went on to rape other young teens. If only I had the courage to tell at 10.
 
Left sided UC dx 03
1200 asacol daily
30mg Celexa daily & rising as anxiety is back
Suffering from a bad case of menopause!


ican
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 3/18/2007 5:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Sassy,
I am still working on The Courage to Heal. I had to let it go for a little while due to other crisises happening in my life. I am up to the confrontation part. I'm still trying to figure out what my reasons would be to confront my mother and whether or not I have any expectations. This is where I still have some work to do. I am angry at my parents for not noticing anything but my father passed away when I was 18 so there is just my mother left to tell. I'm not sure it is necessary for her to know who did these things as much as it is to know that these things did happen. There are a lot of innocent people who would be hurt by this news and I don't think they should be made to suffer like that. My kids still have a relationship with my sister even knowing what they know. My sister is not the same person that I knew when I was growing up and she has been a good aunt to my kids. She poses them no harm. I figure someone had molested her when she was young also and I ended up her victim because of that. She is only 3 years older than me and the things she did could not have been known to her unless someone else did them to her. It still wasn't right and I have hated her ever since because of it, but I can have compassion for what she must have gone through. I have had to go through a lot of this rather quickly, and maybe at times a little too fast, only because of my own daughter's rape which coincidentally was at the hands of my sister's (the sister that molested me) son-in-law. I was told I could not help my daughter go through her pain until I dealt with what had happened to me. In some ways my daughter is in better shape than I am because she did tell the school counselor what happened and we were able to put her rapist in prison. But what people have to understand is that we are a generation that speaks freely to our children about the dangers out there and they know they can come to us with everything. We did not grow up in that same way. We grew up with the generation that did not speak about sex, in a lot of households that was a forbidden topic. So us as children not speaking up was not out of the ordinary and we should not beat ourselves up about not telling. We were doing what we were taught. Also, some victims were threatened if they were to tell. Those victims reacted like anyone else, keep quiet.
Let's hope our children can speak to their children openly and the scum out there find it way to risky to harm children in that way.
Ican

Sassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2003
Total Posts : 646
   Posted 3/18/2007 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   
What a sick world we live in. They used to say 1 in 3 was a victim. I wonder if that number is actually higher. Ican your daughter was brave to had told someone. Maybe today's kids can learn to deal just a little bit easier than in our day.

Sassy
 
Left sided UC dx 03
1200 asacol daily
30mg Celexa daily & rising as anxiety is back
Suffering from a bad case of menopause!


sweeterthanhoney
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 540
   Posted 3/18/2007 3:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I too am a sexual abuse survivor. My moms brother[my uncle] touched me inaproperiately as a very young child, and made me touch him too. I don't remember exactly how far things went. Probably better that way. My mom found out and confronted me and I confessed and my uncle had to go into treatment or they were going to press charges against him. Apparantly he was releived he had been caught. He was also touching some of my cousins as well.

I have had counceling for this, and have forgiven him, but the scars are still there, and have greatly affected my marriage.
dx: fibromyalgia, IBS-C,Myofacial Pain Syndrome, Chronic Headaches, hypothyroidism,anemia, insomnia,mild depression.
 
Meds:
Clonazapam .25mgs, Oxy IR 2.5-3xs/day 5 mgs at bedtime, Synthroid, Zopiclone, flexeril or baclafen, L-tryptophan
 
Supplements:  Licorcise extract, Seriphos, professional vit/mineral, magnesium/malic acid, B#5, probiotic, Ester C, P5P[B6 supplement]
 
Daughter Jerica 17, Dx: Crohn's, Imuran 150 mgs, amitriptyline 20mgs,   lactaid pills, calcium 1000 mgs/day. Forvia, waiting for first Remicade infusion
 
 Husband with treatment resistant depression   Effexor-900mgs
 
                                     
Jerimiah 29:11                      
 


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 3/18/2007 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
sweeterthanhoney i can`t write any more about my experiences yet it`s all been a bit too much for me but when i did recieve sexual assult councilling only a few years ago part of that was that i had to tell my hubby of 18yrs what had happened to me the councillor recommended i did as it was an important stage in the healing process .Well i only wish i could turn the clock back to there as it was the worst thing i had ever done because it totally destroyed my relationship with the only man i ever trusted and to this day our relationship has changed so much how we are still together now after 26yrs next month i will never know as from that day he hasn`t seen me in the same way ,he doesn`t cuddle me but yet he still expects me to perform for him even though i have now lost all sensation .At times i`m looking for the easy way out just to escape it all .But to me if this is what being a survivor is all about i don`t want to be one anymore .
Restless

ican
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 3/18/2007 4:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Restless,
I had told my husband about being raped by a former boyfriend and he was pretty upset when I told him. He told me I had misled him. I let him think he was the first one. In my eyes he was my first. The other people took something from me that was not theirs to have. He was the first one that I gave my whole self to. I told him when we were about 7 years into our marriage. From that point until this past year I remembered his reaction and it did interfere with our sex life. I just went through the motions. When I went into counseling a year ago, I told my counselor what his reaction was. She called him into our next session and explained to him how wrong he had been and made sure he understood that he was indeed my first. He did finally understand and it has been better ever since. We will be married 24 years come this May. I wish your telling your husband would have turned out better. Hang in there. Trust me I've tried 3 times to take the easy way out and it is not the answer. Things do get better and like everything else there are going to be a lot of ups and downs. I know you've probably heard this many of times from your counselor because I know I have and at first I didn't believe her, but now after a lot of work, I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. What happened to me can never be erased but how I look and feel about it doesn't have to be the same. I can say yes it did happen, I can't change that. They took my childhood but they won't have the rest of my life too. I won't be their victim any longer. I am a survivor and trust me you are too.
Ican

foreigner
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 3/19/2007 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I was molested and physically abused by my brother for 3 years and I did try to tell people, my family, teachers and people at church, but since he was my brother, no one believed me. They said that I was making it all up. How can a little girl make up such things? I felt so alone and I started to not trust anyone around me and the only person I had was my brother. And he kept telling me it was alright and I believed him. I was so scared and confused and didn't know who to trust. I haven't been able to forget any of this and it still hurts. Does the hurt ever go away? It has been over 25 years now.

ican
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 3/19/2007 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
foreigner,
I don't think the hurt totally goes away. I think it is the betrayal that hurts us the most. After all, they were our siblings and that is not the kind of relationship someone has with them. We are supposed to be able to trust them but they broke our trust. It does hurt that no one believed you, I think that is why I never told. Now that I have let it out in counseling the important thing is I know it happened and I do have people who believe me. I have not told my mother yet about any of this. I am still building up and healing more so that I can tell her. I may decide that I don't need to tell her and that is okay too. All this happened to me over 38 years ago. The important thing for you is don't let what other people say about it. You know it happened and I bet if you told a couselor about it, they would believe you. The thing is to find the right couselor who specializes in childhood sexual abuse and get the help you need so that you will learn how to trust again. I still have a problem with trust and don't give it away that easily, but it is coming and I am realizing how much I am missing by being so guarded all the time. We missed out when we were kids. We don't deserve to miss out on the good things in life now. We can put a stop to the damage they have done, by not letting them have one more day. Stop it now and with the proper help you will be able to.
Ican

sweeterthanhoney
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 540
   Posted 3/19/2007 12:02 PM (GMT -7)   
alot of you have not only been violated in every way imaginable, but you have also been rejected by the very people who are supposed to love you no matter what.

My heart breaks for you. I told my husband about my abuse while we were dating. I can't imagine having him react the way some of your husbands have. Unbelievable!, but I DO believe you when you say that they have treated you as if it was your fault. We were young innocent children who had NO control over our situation!

Trust is a huge issue. When you've been hurt time after time it is extremely hard to let some one in. Especially in a sexual relationship. That is the most intimate relationship you can have. You don't get any more vunurable than being intimate with your partner. Sometimes when you are dealing with the really hard things its good to take a break from sex so you can figure things out. Of course, you partner needs to be in like mind with you on that subject. And if He really loves you, he will do what ever it takes for healing to take place.
dx: fibromyalgia, IBS-C,Myofacial Pain Syndrome, Chronic Headaches, hypothyroidism,anemia, insomnia,mild depression.
 
Meds:
Clonazapam .25mgs, Oxy IR 2.5-3xs/day 5 mgs at bedtime, Synthroid, Zopiclone, flexeril or baclafen, L-tryptophan
 
Supplements:  Licorcise extract, Seriphos, professional vit/mineral, magnesium/malic acid, B#5, probiotic, Ester C, P5P[B6 supplement]
 
Daughter Jerica 17, Dx: Crohn's, Imuran 150 mgs, amitriptyline 20mgs,   lactaid pills, calcium 1000 mgs/day. Forvia, waiting for first Remicade infusion
 
 Husband with treatment resistant depression   Effexor-900mgs
 
                                     
Jerimiah 29:11                      
 


ican
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 3/19/2007 6:25 PM (GMT -7)   
sweeterthanhoney,
Trust is a big issue for a lot of us. I know I have learned to put up big walls and really put some people through the test before I allow them my trust. I have just started with a new counselor a few weeks ago and I am just starting to trust her now. I had a tough session with her today and I'm emotionally wiped out. She wanted to get more of a family history from me. I thought it wouldn't be that bad but it sure unlocked a lot of pent up feelings. As you can see, I haven't been able to put it away and concentrate on the here and now. The hardest thing is remembering that you are not that little five year old but an adult now, because it brings you back and you feel what you felt then, for those moments you are the 5 year old. I'm sorry if I went off the subject but I just needed to process today and telling it to someone helps remind me how far I have come and I am safe now.
Thanks for listening
Ican

snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 3/20/2007 6:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I know that it will take a long time to trust anyone again i know in my case i have been hurt so badly that i do not have contact with people up front any more i have friends online i talk to it`s easier they really don`t know me .I hide behind my screen and feel safe ,i can cry and no one even knows it`s been over 44yrs now and it still feels like yesterday .I have begun to have bad nightmares all over again it`s so terrifying to wake up feeling as though you have been violated i lie in bed in tears most nights too frightened to even move ,too embarrassed to even tell my hubby about them so i keep them to myself i was taking so many pills the dr had prescribed supposidly to help me get through all of this but i know they are not the answer anymore so i have stopped them .
RESTLESS

ican
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 3/20/2007 1:27 PM (GMT -7)   
restless,
I really wish you had someone in the outside world who you could trust. I feel your pain. I have told my therapists plenty of times that what I liked best about sleeping pills is that you didn't dream. Now that I've switched to something different to sleep, my nightmares have returned. I was told to keep a dream journal, to write down what my dreams were about. I was also told by my therapist and other mental healthcare people, that your brain only remembers what you can handle. Medication alone won't get you through this stuff, a good therapist who specializes in childhood sexual abuse is the other component needed in healing. If you don't feel you can talk to your husband about your dreams, try to write them down, at least that way it is not all kept inside. It may provide some relief. You can either show someone or just tear it up and throw it away. The hard thing about going through all of this, and I experienced it yesterday at my session, is that we regress back to the feeling state and age we were at the time that we are talking about. The feelings come back, our survival tactics that we used to make it through the horror we faced come back. We tend to forget that we are adults now and those things are not happening to us right now. We are safe. What we used to cope and get us through the abuse worked for us as a child, otherwise we wouldn't be here right now. But those coping skills and beliefs were distorted and don't work for us as adults. This is where therapy helps to take the distorted beliefs and show us how the interpretations we made back then, though they helped get us through, were not the interpretations we should have learned. It gives you a new perspective on how to look at the situation, a whole new way of viewing things. This is what our abusers stole from us, our childhood. By taking our trust, we were forced to do whatever it was we had to, to survive, the innocense of our youth and the joys we should have had were taken from us. Don't feel embarrassed to talk about what happened. Let it out. Write it out but get it out and don't keep it inside. You don't have to show anyone what you have written unless you want to. Maybe there will come a time when you find someone whom you can trust and share what happened. Don't give up.

Ican

Lil_Angel
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 31
   Posted 3/21/2007 1:14 PM (GMT -7)   
Restless, im the same, i find it so much easier talking online, i have some very good friends online, some i consider best friends. i have told these best friends about what happened to me when i was younger - i was sexually abused by a female family friend who lived nextdoor when i was 7 til i was 12 yrs old and then raped by someone i worked with when i was 18. but iv never told anyone in the 'outside' world, its so much easier to hide behind a screen! And i also have nightmares about it, near enough everynight!
xXx Lil_Angel xXx


IBS FROG
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 3/22/2007 3:48 AM (GMT -7)   
So many of us are different at all, in fact so much alike in so many ways.
 
I was about 7 I think when mine started and it was my step-dad, he was always making fun of me. Touching my breasts even then till finally my mother told him to stop it. He went from that to kissing me, then when I was 17 he tried to make me kiss him with an open mouth, he layed on me on my bed, and held my hands. I turned my head and kept telling him to get off me. He finally did and then left, said dont tell your mom.
 
Well after this last incident, I did tell a friend who told my MOM. WHAT good did that do, nothing at all. She believed me then went home to talk to him and she changed her story and he said he did it but it was all in FUN and didnt mean a thing.
 
Guess what, She left me and I was all alone. She is still married to this man to this day. Tell me that doesnt mess with your head either. When I was pregnant I was so scared I would be like her, thank GOD I AM SO NOT. She never said she loved me and never complimented me.
 
Now I cherish my daughter more than I could ever thought possible and I tell her every day how much I love her and how wonderful, smart and pretty she is and She will always be protected by her mother.
 
I deal with depression EVERY DAY, some days it beats me down and thank GOD I think of my DD....
 
Hang in there everyone, it will get better even when I dont think so.
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