I don't understand his ups and downs... i need to vent!

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annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/14/2007 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there again...
 
Sigh! This is hard. I had mentioned before that my long distance man is suffering of depression. He started getting really low and depressed lately so his doctor doubled his medication. He was beginning to get better, way better compared to before... but suddenly he's having all these weird up's and down's.
 
Saturday it was almost like having him back to normal, we were talking again about when we'd see each other, he was missing me terribly, we were laughing, brought out the web cams again, etc, etc. Sunday he was MIA, didnt chat until night time and explained that he had a very bad day, was very depressed and just wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. Then Monday came... and he was back on his high, it was a very good day because he even opened up to talk about the causes of his depression and what he was feeling. One of you suggested i ask him if he wanted to talk, i've always been afraid to, but i did... and he said yes! So Monday was good, we talked a lot, he opened up and it was a great progress...  Now yesterday, he was MIA again, and all day... i mean aaaaaall day, even still this morning I haven't heard from him. This is probably the first time we've gone a whole day without communicating in the past 6 months...
 
This hurts, it's hard not to take it personally... and start thinking that maybe he just doesn't want me around. Sometimes I really wonder if all this is part of depression or not. He has told me before that on his low days he just sits around and doesn't want to talk to anybody, can that be true? I just wish he'd mail me quickly or something and just tell me he's having a bad day and then I wouldnt worry about him.
 
Been thinking of calling him today... make sure he's ok, it just scares me when he takes off like that.
 
Sigh, I know I need to be patient, but some days it can be so hard... but I don't want to bail on him.
 
Thanks for listening...

"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"


annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/14/2007 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   

Ok scratch that... he just wrote me an e-mail and practically dumped me. Told me he was too sick to deal with "us" and just needed to get away and not feel guilty for draging me into his stuff.

Sigh...


"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/14/2007 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   
ann, how are you? sorry to hear about your difficulties in the romance department. i've certainly been there, done that.

just hope you're coping okay. it huuuurrrrrrrts, i know. keep on venting here, and know that, whatever happens, it's gonna be okay.

zinniagirl

annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/14/2007 12:55 PM (GMT -7)   

hi there Z,

Thank you so much... i'm getting there, i actually came home from work today, it's just easier to cry here and let it all out instead of sitting at my desk trying to hold it in until it's time to come home and face my kids.

It does hurt, we've been in love with each other since i was 14, him 17... and life has just given us all kinds of twists and turns and we had finally come together, it was supposed to be forever, he was the one. I was so worried about his depression and now i'm beginning to wonder if maybe i suffer of depression too, ever since he left I find it hard to do the simplest chores around the house, much less go to the gym or anything of the sort.

Thanks for listening... this time at home is helping and of course, venting here too!

Hope u're doing better...


"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/14/2007 7:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Girl, please! Don't worry one bit about me. I hope you're curled up in bed with a huge pile of Oreos and cold milk and plenty of Kleenex. Hmph, I know I would be. And the gym? Can totally wait. It will still be there. Trust me on that.

It's not like it's our job to crawl around these guys' heads, but I cannot help but wonder, as I am sure you are:

What in the name of Wuthering Heights is going on in your guy's coconut?

I mean, talking about jerking someone around! I nearly got whiplash just reading the post where he said he was just too sick to deal with "us" and didn't want to drag you into his "stuff". HELL-O! ***?

So that's it then? He goes back into his cave and you become one of the walking wounded, and via e-mail no less? That ain't right. That is no way to treat a lady, even if he does have depression, for which he is getting help. I know recovery is never a straight trajectory and takes time, but PLEASE!

I have been where you are. I am here to support you. There are better days -- and men -- in your future.

Chin up, dear one.

zinniagirl

zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/15/2007 6:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey, ann. How ya doin' this morning? Let us know, okay?

annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/15/2007 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Morning...

Z, thanks for your messages and your support, sure have helped... sorry I didnt get back to you yesterday but I had meetings all afternoon/night!

I'm actually having a very good morning. He mailed me again last night and explained that all this wasn't a goodbye, it was just a small time off for him to get better in order to be able to sit down with a clear mind and tallk about "us"... fair enough I guess. I haven't written him back yet and I won't... just dont want to write when i'm upset or mad, plus, making him wait will be good too LOL!

I was offered a really good full time job yesterday night and i'm going to take it, so it really helped keep my mind off all the negative thoughts and anger. This is certainly giving me something to look forward to... so so far so good!

Thanks, hope you're having a good day!!

AB
"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/15/2007 10:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, AB! Congratulations! Tomorrow I go in for a second interview and, I hope, an offer. Fingers crossed!

Good for you for taking a breather between e-mails, too.

zinniagirl

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/16/2007 4:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ab
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Zinniagirl is giving you excellent advice and I am so glad she is around!!
(plus she has a great sense of humor).

I just wanted to add one thing here... you have to remember that you need to take care of yourself. You can not fix this man,he has to do it. Us as women try to change or fix men all of the time and we walk away hurting afterwards.
It is not fair that he is jerking you around like this. You deserve better.
And sometimes we need to put our foot down. Simply saying "I can not continue like this,I am not going to be on and off and wondering where I stand"
Tough Love
It works wonders and might just be what he needs at this point. Basically get it together buddy because I am worth someone knowing how great I am.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/19/2007 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Shy,
 
Thank you very much for your advice and I've been putting it all to work...
 
I got back from a weekend camp last night and found an e-mail from him. He was being very nice and talkative but still trying to blame me for some of the stuff he's going through, saying I was putting too much pressure on him. 
 
So... I just wrote back and told him I was sick of him doing this to me, that he was just as equal to blame for conversations we had in the past and it was unfair of him to keep pinning his problems on me... wow was that a relief.
 
It's just so hard to know when it's him talking or the depression, but you are very right and i've taken a stand and put my foot down. I guess whatever comes, comes...
 
Thanks for the support! :o)
 
Ann
 
"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"


ozfm
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 213
   Posted 3/19/2007 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Ann
 
Just thought I'd throw my 2cents in, as someone who has been in the depths of depression and suffered mood swings, which affected my relationships too.
 
When you are really suffering and in a deep black hole, you can't be rational or sensible and really can't communicate very well.
 
Without knowing all that's gone on between you can I make a couple of suggestions?
 
When he is feeling good and you can talk to him:
  1. Tell him how much you care about him and worry about him, but that you are hurting from his actions too and that you need to agree on some actions/boundaries for when he is feelig bad.
  2. Tell him that if he doesn't feel like talking, that is OK, but out of courtesy and respect for you, he should at least let you know that he is having a bad day and doesn't want to talk.
  3. You must not take that personally - believe me.
  4. Even if you're frustrated as hell, just sending him a text or an email saying you know he's feeling yuk, but that you care and are there for him if he needs to talk, will help him to feel loved and cared for, and will make him more likely to open up to you.
  5. I believe communication is so important - and even though he may not always be able to do it on his bad days, knowing someone really cares makes a huge difference.
  6. Maybe you could go with him to one of his doctor's visits to both show your support, but also to get a better understanding of what he's going through.

I know this is really hard for you, my best friend suffered along with me as you are with him, and we found that the best thing was even if I was feeling like cr*p, just to say so and she would understand that it wasn't her, but me.  She would give me a quick call or email to "just see how you are" and leave it at that.  I can't tell you how much I appreciated her understanding and support.

Good luck - I know it isn't easy - but if you want to be there for him, maybe some of this will hope.

Deb


They say life is a bowl of cherries........... we just have to learn how to spit out the pips!


annbrampton
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 3/19/2007 3:53 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Deb...

Thanks for your words and your advice... you probably missed out on the part that my man and I live miles and miles appart. I'm in Costa Rica and he's currently in Canada at the moment... sigh!

At the moment we're not even chatting online because he decided it was taking too much of his time which he could be using to get better. So... we're just e-mailing every now and then which for the moment is probably the best.

But I thank you for that advice, i'll keep that in mind for when we do start talking or chatting again... :o)

Ann


"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful"


ozfm
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 213
   Posted 3/19/2007 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Your welcome Ann
 
Sorry, no I didn't realise you were so far apart, that sure makes it difficult.
Well, I hope he is taking this time to get the help he needs, and doesn't cut you out in the process.  I'm sure when he is feeling better he will appreciate your care and support.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Deb
They say life is a bowl of cherries........... we just have to learn how to spit out the pips!


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/20/2007 4:56 AM (GMT -7)   
Ann
Good for you!!! You have to watch out for yourself at this point. And if he is going down the blame road,well you don't need that.
He needs to figure it out for himself and not try to bring you down too.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

http://www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


zinniagirl
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 3/23/2007 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Men are like blenders. They are making those things every day. If your blender breaks, get a new one.

Know what I mean?

zinniagirl
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