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Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 3/29/2007 11:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I spend most of my life hiding behind a mask, Ths mask is pretty, it has no changing features, just a huge beaming smile.
The mask is superglued on, so noone can take it away,noone can see my emotions if I don't want them too.
Every now and again however, the glue begins to come loose. The mask begins to slide, so people can look in my eyes, and see my soul, the hurt, the pain, the angst, the fear, the sadness, the tears they can see it all.
 
Right now, the mask is starting to slide again. But I can't seem to find the glue to hold it up. People are begining to notice things aren't right. The more they notice, the more the edges lose there grip.
 
I've just heard yet more bad news. While not wanting to go back into hospital, I dowant to, to get better. But, I can't go into hospital and get better if they don't have a bed for me. This is what has happened, the whole chest ward has been shut down,although there still not sure why. They can't put me on another ward,as I need specialised care, and nurses Iknow I can talk to if I have a problem.
 
My lungs are hurting, my legs are hurting, and I've been trying so hard to hide the hurt because of this from my boyfriend. I feel soguilty putting him through anymore than what I have done in the past.
I just want to get through this depression time without having to let him no I hurt.
 
The trouble is, the way I'm finding of hiding things is comfort eating, which is making me throw up even more than I had been doing,and frantically cleaning the house.
I have a thing when depressed, that everything around me has to be perfect, as I'm not. But things are really getting on top of me.
I physically ache aswell as mentally now. I hurt inside and out, but I'm stilldetermined not to show I'm upset.
 
I've been at his mum's house everyday this week, just too stop me harming myself by over-tidying. I can only walk a hundred meters without wanting to pass out, so the tidying and throwing up, is really wearing down on my energy and putting me down even further. It's also making my muscle enzymes rise, as for me, housework is the equivalent of doing a days excercise, and I'm actually banned by my doctor from over doing it,as it just makes me ill.
 
When I get into hospital, I know I'll be fine, there's only one place I can tidy, and I blitzed the kitchen in there 2 weeks ago. Meaning I'll be made to sit down and have my meds, and rest. But right now, there's too much for me to do in the house, and to much food for me to eat.
 
Has anyone got any ideas of a less energetic way to keep myself busy. I've tried crafts and reading, TV and computer games, but nothing really seems to take my attention away for long enough.
 
Thankyou for your replies in advance
XxXxX
 
 
 
It's true!: Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Frown and the world turns upside down.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Allergies: Any dressing except Mepilex border. Even plasters make my skin blister. Hayfever, Tazocin, Tobromycin, Ibruprofen, Asprin, Codeine, Mirtazapine.
I have a pretty little port-a-cath on left side of chest wall


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 3/29/2007 4:26 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  Hello~
I guess I know how you feel to a certain degree.  I also feel as if I wear a mask.  Everyone always says how pretty I am and how "together" I seem but they don't see the agony on the inside!  I could just scream with all the anxiety attacks I have been having.  I have noticed though that it must show that I am truly depressed because I have noticed that when the few times I am out, the guys will check me out but never approach me anymore.  I know that they can see the sadness in my eyes and the heartache that lies inside of them.
What do they say, noone wants to be around a "depressed" person!?  I guess my mask is slipping as well because I can no longer hide what lies inside of my soul.
Unfortunately, I wish I had some advice for the two of us but right now, I feel just as you do!
All we can do is hang tough I suppose!
Take care!!!
 
Teresa

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 3/30/2007 1:57 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there faithfully4u

Lets take a step back for a moment..ok breathe a little..so the glue is coming adrift on your mask...that's ok - because you realise what is happening and have the power to fix it coz u already have the answer in your post...

...sit down and have my meds, and rest...

you cannot go back to square one because you have already been there and done that..this is just a setback and one you are aware of so no big suprises..can you remember what skills they taught you when you were in hospital last time..eg, maybe correct breathing techniques, use of meds when things get too much etc.

Please tell your boyfriend how you are feeling..seek some medical help, maybe counselling/therapy may be helpful and an adjustment in meds..

Take good care.

Maree


Forum Moderator - Depression
Forum Moderator - Anxiety-Panic Disorders
 
"In any moment of decision,
the best thing you can do is the right thing,
the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
Roosevelt.
 
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 
 


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 3/30/2007 2:08 AM (GMT -7)   
Usually after a day like yesterday, I'd have calmed down lots by today. I'm be reletively simple thinking again, and got a stopper back on my bottle of emotions.

Today however this is not happening. I'm having mood swing after mood swing and it's getting to the point of wanting to hit and break things.

Nothings going my way,and I'm getting violent and aggressive again, swearing lots,and going into one of my major tantrums.
I almost threw the computer against a wall because I couldn't win on solitaire and themixer has just decided that i's going to leak for no reason, allover my beautifully tidyed kitchen.

I feel about 10 seconds away from total explosion, and I can't even get in touch wth my psychiarist as she's away at a conference.

I don't know what to do with myself, and it feels like a terrible monster has unleashed inside me and I can do nothing to tame it. I'm gettng more and more wound up by the second,and I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

In these situations I used to use all of my energy by going on a short bike ride to tire myself out so I'd calm down. I can't use thatmethod anymore, and I'm stuck with how I should deal with myself.

News from the hospital this morning, is that I can't start IV antibiotics until at least Monday. They now have word that the ward is still closed down for a Diarrhea and Sickness bug and will be for 48 hours after the epidemic has calmed down. I've told them I will have homeIV's if there is still no bed by Monday but my lungs hurt, and are getting worse by the fact that I'm so tense. I know I need to calm down, but I can't find the way anymore.

I'mgetting so annoyed with myself, I'd been doing so well to control the anger side of my depression, and now everything's come flooding back.

i'm sorry for moaning, I just really need a rant, and can't think of anything else to do, as there's noone else I can get in touch with.
It's true!: Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Frown and the world turns upside down.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Allergies: Any dressing except Mepilex border. Even plasters make my skin blister. Hayfever, Tazocin, Tobromycin, Ibruprofen, Asprin, Codeine, Mirtazapine.
I have a pretty little port-a-cath on left side of chest wall


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 3/30/2007 3:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Do you have like an on duty doctor in the community rather than the hospital as such that can help you?
Forum Moderator - Depression
Forum Moderator - Anxiety-Panic Disorders
 
"In any moment of decision,
the best thing you can do is the right thing,
the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
Roosevelt.
 
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 
 


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 3/30/2007 4:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Nope, all of my care is done at a hospital 2 hours away.

They've tried the whole community psychological nurse route. But it didn't work out too well. I do have a referal to them again and it's been a couple of weeks now. But still not heard anything.


I'm gonna go into town soon,and go on a shopping spree. Usuallypin and fluffy things cheer meup, and make me feel allsoft and cuddley, so I'm going to shops that sell pink fluffy things.

I'm still shaking through anger inside me, and it feels horrible. I've tried everything to calm down. Even going bak down the comfort eating route. Unfortunately though, that just made me throw up.

Never mind waking up on the wrong side ofthe bed this morning, it feel feels like I've woken on the wrong planet. Nothing feels right, or real.
The emotions I'm feeling shouldn't be there, they went away when I started my sertraline, but they have somehow found there way back.

I'm gonna buy anew blender while in town, make oneof my high calorie milkshakes. Hopefully it won't take as much digesting, so willcalm my somach down.

I think the reason I'm getting so wound up, is just the lack of response with regards to getting my medication. They've not yet suggested another way for me too take my nebbed medication.

I've had my morning medication this morning, but thrown it ack up with my breakfast. I need these IV's but it seems as there's no room at the inn, I'm never gonna get them.
It's true!: Smile and the whole world smiles with you. Frown and the world turns upside down.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Allergies: Any dressing except Mepilex border. Even plasters make my skin blister. Hayfever, Tazocin, Tobromycin, Ibruprofen, Asprin, Codeine, Mirtazapine.
I have a pretty little port-a-cath on left side of chest wall


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/30/2007 5:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Darkies
It sounds to me that you are going thru a major panic attack....
Those are so hard to get through.
I so hope you get the help you need.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

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