The end feels nigh

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scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 3/30/2007 3:36 AM (GMT -7)   
TODAY, I am ready to surrender...
 
I honestly feel like giving up, this has went on far too long now. I feel like ending my relationship, it is far too much hard work for me, it is the last thing I want to do but I can't go on feeling like this towards him anymore, it is killing me, I just don't know whats going on with me?!
 
My mood feels fine! But my feelings feel different, a dark blanket has emereged over them, I was out last night with work and I really enjoyed myself and today when I think back on it, that nice warm feeling you get when you think back on a nice event wasn't still isn't there, instead I get that tight, short of breath sort of feeling in my chest/heart the same one i get associated with my bf,
 
God i feel gutted, I feel teary everyday, why can't I go one day without being weird! I feel like I'm lying when I'm writing this, I know that doesn't make sense but it's like everything I'm doing or feeling I question, like its no true, but I don't feel any other way, My dog died a couple of days ago, and although I cried at the time the very next day and today I have been fine like it never happened, that is NOT me, what is going on with me?
 
My councillor told me she doesn't think I have full blown depression, so have I made all this up, is my relationship doomed and are these the feelings I'm gonna feel forever? I know you all may think I go on about my relationship so much, but its the most important thing to me in the whole world and I just don't understand how I could snap so easily and go from loving him to pieces to him feeling like a stranger to me in the matter of 24 hours.
 
Is this going to to be my life forever, if so I don't think I can handle it much longer

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 3/30/2007 4:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Scotsgal
Did your doctor give you anything for the anxiety and panic attacks? I think I would call her if not and see what she can do.

Maybe it is time to take a break. You don't have to break it off completely but you can say that you need time to get better.
You could take a few weeks without him and see how you feel then. It might be one of those cases to where once he is not around everyday you really miss him. Or,it might be over. I know you don't want to hear that right now. But,sometimes we have to make hard choices. I am not sure why your feelings have changed. It happens though.
I have ended a relationship when the month before he was all I could think about. But then after awhile I just realized it was not going to work and he bored me. So,I ended it.
Please stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 3/30/2007 6:11 AM (GMT -7)   
p.s I have read over my post and I realise that th way I wrote it looks like I was referring to my relationship in the whole thing, I was meaning giving up on everything in general, but my relationship too,I feel beaten.

tase2
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 65
   Posted 3/30/2007 7:08 AM (GMT -7)   
scotsgal

I am not up to date on your situation, I must implore to you not to give up.

If you keep working with your doc, you may find a course of action that will make you feel better. Believe me I have days I just want to give up as well, but somehow I make it. you can too.

BTW I'll bet nobody here feels you go on too much about your relationship. It is obviously important to you, which make it important to us :)

keep us posted

tase

_Christina
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 553
   Posted 3/30/2007 7:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I know just how you feel.
It's like you are watching yourself in situations, instead of being in them yourself. You know that you should feel, and you start to- but just when the emotion becomes strong, it shuts off.
It is like there is a line where normal emotions go up and down from. Normally, feelings would go up and down from that line of "neutral" sometimes small, and sometimes, if the feeling is strong, very big. In this state, all of the feelings get small, like you can't get away from that "neutral" state. sometimes you might feel someting, but it's shallow and doesn't last long.
After a while, even the good feelings cause pain when you look back on them because you don't feel them often and it hurts to be made aware of that.
It's like a fog, or being insulated in foam.
I went through life like that, knowing that I was supposed to feel, and playacting the responses like I was feeling, but always looking at myself and knowing i was playacting.
It makes anything you do feel false, because the overwhelming emotion you read about is not there for you. Nothing is there- but you know there should be something. BUT the thought of creating the emotions, or even feeling the emotions feels exhausting.
I went from this to deep depression. it wasn't all at once, it just got too hard to keep everything going, the only way I knew to escape was to commit suicide. The only thing is, I knew I didn't want that to happen, I just wanted to escape. I wanted to sit in the closet with an IV, so I didn't have to eat or drink. I just wanted to turn off.
After a while, I had such overwhelming pain I had to turn it off somehow, and that went numb. Numb still hurt. I went to get help, and the doctor put me on a couple different meds. They didn't work. I ended up not able to function. I took 2 weeks off of work (Dr ordered) friends took my kids away for a week, and I just sat at home. My husband took the time off of work and friends stayed with me so I was never alone.
The drugs have taken effect, and I am back into the "neutral" state.
I know I love and appreciate my husband, I am convinced of it in my mind, but I feel disconnected from it. I am not a stranger from him, but from myself.
I know I love and cherish my children (girls- 8, 6 and 2) but I feel disconnected from it and have to make the "motions" to show it to them.
The thing is, it's when I make the "motions" of emotion that I get a taste of the feeling that I know I should have. The feeling follows the action. Not as much as before, but a taste of it at least.
I have started counseling because if this is all that the medications are going to do for me, get me out of the pit, but leave me teetering on the edge, leave me numb and playacting emotion for a taste of it, I want more.

The medications gave me a foothold, so I can stand to go through the emotions that counseling bring up. I will get well, but it will take a lot of work. When I get too far into it, I get to where I want to hide again. I want to shut down. If I can just get past the hard part- I will be well.

TRY- make the motions, feel the feelings that you get, make more motions, even if you don't feel it. Tell the BF what you are going through (without scaring him) love is a choice and takes work. You won't always feel the "warm fuzzies" for your BF. It doesn't necessarily mean that the love is going away- if you know that love him, but the tingles are going away, it may just mean that the love you have is changing to a more mature love. To lean more about that read "The 5 Love Languages". It talks all about that. Having him help you through this will bring you together like nothing else.
Tell your doctor what you feel (print the posts and highlight what applies if it will help) and get counseling. It takes both to get well.
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