new here and i'm drowning...

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rehabnurse
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 169
   Posted 4/17/2007 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
hi everyone, i've lurked here a while. i'm usually on the chronic pain board.

i have had my share of trauma in my life, and i've suffered from depression for years. nothing has helped, and it's steadily getting worse.

most recently, i was diagnosed with uterine cancer in december, had radiation and had hysterectomy and am now undergoing chemo. i am just 29, and i can't work in my job as a nurse anymore. i was having a lot of physical problems anyway, since i have lupus, chronic pain in my back due to an old injury, pcos, i'm on meds for pcos (glucophage) and pain (morphine). i have been separated from a man who physically and mentally abused me for years, we have been physically separated for almost 4 years but i can't afford to divorce him. stupid, i know. i was sexually abused by family. i have two very young children who need me, but i can barely get out of bed. i am weak from the chemo, and my parents have been helping me big time, which is another issue.

my mom thinks i don't have pain, or depression, and hates that i take meds for them. i also have pcos and blood sugar problems, for which i am on glucophage, but she wants me off everything. she told me today that "it's all in my head" and "i need to get on with life". i really don't need any judgement from her. it really makes me even more stressed, and that's what gets to me. i'm a thinker, and i definately worry and stress a lot. my life was decent a year ago, and now i'm at the end of my rope. i just lost a grandma who was my good friend in february. i took care of her for a long time. now i can barely care for myself. i feel so isolated cause i can't go out, i get sick easily, and i miss being able to work. i feel like a total loser that just can't get it together.

on top of everything else, i am paying cobra to keep insurance, which is taking the rest of my 401k. i don't know what's gonna happen next, and THAT stresses me. life is just throwing everything at me over and over. i finally got approval to go to a therapist. i want to try and get on different antidepressants. i have taken effexor and zoloft before, and paxil, but nothing helped. i need something to work cause i need to make it. my kids need their mom back.

i don't want to get this too long. i tried to keep it short, so sorry if i was boring or too long. i really need someone to listen, cause i have no one here. it's just me. i am up late, unable to sleep due to the severe pain in my back. i have four herniated discs with annular tears and it hurts 24/7. i'm sure this will be another all nighter, being unable to sleep. thanks for letting me vent everyone, and i hope i get to know some of you better!!!

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/18/2007 4:22 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi rehabnurse, I am so sorry for all your going through!  I know it is difficult when you dont have a good support system in place to help.  I can relate to the many physical illnesses...I have had Multiple Sclerosis for almost 6 yr now and was diagnosed with Multiple System Atrophy a yr and half ago.  I had to quit my job and move back home with my mother due to spells of orthostatic hypotension which still are not quite under control.  Lucky for me my mom is a nurse...but she does hover quite a bit.
Cobra sucks...have been there, am there now.  And I also went through a nasty divorce from a guy who was emotionaly abusive.  But in the end I can say I was lucky as I cant imagine going through all this with that jerk attached to my pant leg.
 
When your so sick it is hard to get out of bed I know it is difficult to think of anything other than all the negative things going on.  But believe me just rehashing then in your mind isnt going to do any good or make you any better.  All it will do is add stress to you.  Depression is very sneaky so if you think that your suffering from it then talk to your doctor.  Your a nurse and know what it can do and how devasting it can be.  Dont listen to your mother, it sounds like she wants to control things...maybe has good intentions but doesnt have any idea what effect her words are having on you.  I bet when you were a working nurse you had no problem taking control of things and situations...right?  Well, you will have to do that now too, not that you arent but you may have to be more forceful in certain areas.
 
Please know that we are always here for you and you are welcome to post here anytime.  I am sure you also saw our other thread on the abuse...when your ready, if you want you can post there sometime too if you like.  It's hard I know but it does help.  Take care dear and BIG HUGS to you :-)

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 4/18/2007 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Welcome rehab~
This is an extremely wonderful forum and we welcome you.  I have dealt with depression which is now treatment-resistant.  I also have tried to keep jobs that I loved.  I was firefigher and lately worked as a social worker.  My degree was something I thought I would never have but OBTAINED!
This stupid depression has cheated me out of every joy in life Ive known.
I am having some rough times myself so at this time, I can't concentrate long enough to really give any advice.  What I can say is keep your faith!
Teresa

KodakPuppy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 101
   Posted 4/18/2007 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rehab,
Welcome to tthis fine group. We all get along really good here. Please come back and keep posting.
KodakPuppy

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 4/18/2007 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Rehab

Hello and welcome.  I am Kitt and I am an RN that has worked 26 years in a small community hospital.  I have a husband that was diagnosised with Crohn's years ago and has had 3 bowel resections so I know how this disease process can be.  I also have a good friend that has had so many surgeries that she now has to hook herself up to hyperal every night.

She is less than 40 years old.

I would suggest your Mother talk with your physician if you would give your permission to discuss your medical issue and mental health problems with your Mother. He could tell her that you are very much in need of your meds and with your history you need someone to support you not judge you.

I have depression and I take my husband to some of my therapy sessions as he has a better understanding now that depression is not something you can just get over.  I have also taken 2 of my adult children to therapy and let them ask all  the questions they wanted.  My daughter wanted a quick cure but my son got the understanding of the disease right away.

Your struggle is huge but your courage is commendable.

Please keep posting and let us support you. yeah

Respectfully

Kitt


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