New, laying it all out...please help!!!!

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Blue727
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 4/26/2007 4:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I am new to this forum, so please forgive my long post...very confused at this point in my life.
 
I am a 27 year old male and have had most of these problems going on for awhile. I will try and break it all down, but please be patient. Over the last three years I have went through the following; my grandma died, had a daughter born by emergency c-section and she had to be hospitalized for a little over a week, lost a friend in a plane crash, bought a house, went through a separation, ex got married, sold my house, filed bankruptcy, parents divorced after 27 years of marriage, hated my job for the last four of the five years I've been there and now quit my job.

about a year and a half ago, I went out drinking and having always been a worrying type of person, I couldn't remember where I was for like 15 minutes of the night and thought the worst case scenario (I could of killed someone or something to that extent) and was so overwhelmed I couldn't go to work for like a week and a half. I attribute this to a black out with a bad dream or something. The doctor's have put me on Zoloft up to 250 mg, Buspirone, Clonazepan, Welbutrin, Xanax, Seroquel, Zyprexa, Cymbalta, Lunesta, Remeron, Prozac, Paxil, Clomipramine (which sent me to the E.R.)....you name it. I went into a treatment center and every doctor I have seen states "it's anxiety, depression and OCD."  My ex used to tell me I was bipolar, but the doctors say "no".  I was looking up symptoms about a year and a half ago and convinced myself I was schizophrenic (sp).  When I came out of treatment, they put me on 1 mg of Clonazepan in the morning and one at night, Lexapro 20 mg and Ambien at night.  I quit taking the Clonazepan after talking with my doctor, as I felt it made me more nervous.  I did like the doctors said and quit my very stressful job and now must move away from my two kids (I only get 10 days per month).  My symptoms...I feel tired all the time, get paranoid, startle very easily, crabby, weight gain then weight loss, which they attribute to the medications, although I could never put on a pound before. Heart palpitations, my ears seem to hurt quite a bit (like driving thru the mountains) of the time and I sometimes get a tingly sensation in my left foot and hand. My body feels like it’s going a million miles a minute for most of my day, but I have no drive. I sometimes feel like I could get up and run a mile. I sometimes am in the most talkative of moods, but then I’m down. I often feel as though my eyes are wide open almost bulging out and I feel like my eyes are moving slowly trying to catch up.   I got a bacterial eye infection, the doctor referred me to an internal specialist and she did every test known to mankind.  No thryroid problems or anything abnormal.  I have tremors in my hands almost like Parkinsons (not all the time, but quite often), headaches, I sometime feel like I’m slow, I can barely hold a conversation with people anymore as I feel different, my legs sometimes jump or twitch, I worry constantly, very forgetful, no sex drive, no motivation (I just want to stay in my house). I have more days that I think about suicide than days I don’t. Very dry scalp (more so now than ever), my scalp feels itchy quite often. I run out of breath very easily and cannot play or hold my children like I used to. I am very irritable and moody. My mind is constantly racing. I rarely talk to my friends and sometime find myself avoiding there phone calls. I can’t sleep or stay asleep with out taking Ambien, but I can’t get up in the mornings either. I cannot tolerate the heat and will actually sweat like a pig, but I am often cold when others are hot. I feel like my eyes are going back and forth and when I’m in a public place I feel like everyone is watching me. I feel very slow reacting when this occurs, but other times I have super fast reflexes. Some days I eat anything in site, but others I could go without food. I often feel weak and shaky. I seem to have a very short attention span and lack of concentration. When I go into a WalMart or some place with bright lights, my pupils actually get enlarged and my eyes feel like they are bulging out. I almost feel drunk all the time...like my equilibreum is off or something.

I was scheduled to have gall bladder surgery three times, but for two of them they couldn't do it (after they had already put me out), as my carbon dioxide levels were to high. Went to a heart doctor and she cleared me so they went through with the surgery.

I feel like a hypochondriac or something with all of this going on and trying to explain it, is the hardest thing.  My biggest problem is my eyes which nobody can understand.  They feel like they are always trying to focus, feel distorted and very large.  Anybody else relate to this?  I feel like I am running out of options and I am so frustrated and ashamed to have all of this going on. Every doctor or psychiatrist, tells me it’s just anxiety, compounded with stress, depression, ocd and panic attacks. I’ve had panic attacks before and if that were the case, this would be the longest running panic attack I have ever heard of and I'm not getting better on any of the medications, maybe even worse.  I breakdown in tears, can't sleep, my body feels like it's going none stop and I cannot handle any stress.  Like I said, the eyes are the biggest factor for me right now and people have even told me my pupils looked big, but the eye doctor said everything looks fine.  Almost every one I talk to says I look fine, but just tired.  I felt it could be phsycosamatic (sp), but it is an all day, everyday thing and I also have night blindness.

One thing that really sticks out is the fact that, if I go out and drink any alcohol, the next day I am worried about everything and I try to fill in the blanks for missed time. Say if I can't remember where I was for fifteen minutes that night, I will think, my god I could have killed someone and then my mind will run and I will worry about it for weeks. This has happened before to me, but it's only if I have alcohol. Like I said, I've always been a high energy person and my mother is the same way. The cleaning spells I go through can be attributed to her. The doctor I see here said they do not see any signs of bipolar and if I had that, they believe something extreme would of happened by now.  If I don't drink and am not on any medications, I'm usually fine, but if I drink, I get so worried, I have to be put on something.
 
Do you think the medications could be having an adverse reaction with me?  Making me worse instead of better?  Any suggestions?  With being on all the different medications (I'll have to admit, some I didn't give a very good chance, because I was in that state of mind..."I don't need this."), could I have developed serritonin syndrome or something to that effect even though they were different medications and most of them were never taken together?  I drink caffeine (mountain dew, pepsi quite a bit) and chew a can of Copenhagen a day....no street drugs or anything like that.  The last three or four days, my body doesn't want to sit, my mind doesn't want to rest, but I am physically tired and cannot sleep.  I never drink any water either.

jamkg
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 4/26/2007 9:37 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey blue, you are not alone I know your feelings, even the eye thing, I feel like I cant focus on anything...You might want to lay off the caffine a bit, I know it does bad stuff to me, and any thing with aspertane isnt all that good either. I am going to assume that copenhagen has nicotine in it, one more evil thing when it comes to anxiety. I am by no means a doctor I am just going by my experience and caffine,nicotine and aspertaine are very bad. If you google side effects of aspertane their are side effects very similar to depression and anxiety. Drinking alcohol very bad with Rx too, but I am not your mother. Just a thought. I also know all about being a hypercondriact, everytime I would get a headache I thought it was a tumor or something, I would feel dizzy and think it was a stroke, might I suggest some cognitive therapy, go to a group where they arent antidrug, but still believe in the body trying to heal itself, that way you have the best of both worlds, meds and therapy ( usually done in groups) Any way you arent alone, I am new here too. And I know how good it feels when someone writes back and knows exactly what you feel. Stay well. Talk to you soon. Jamkg

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 4/27/2007 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Blue
Welcome to the board,I am very glad that you found us.
Wow,I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
I have a question,are you going to counseling? I think that should be 1 of 2 steps right now.
Also,maybe it is time for a second opinion? take the post and give it to the doctor,because I know that we seem to forget symptoms when we are actually talking to the doctors and one small thing maybe what actually triggers the doctor's mind.
Now,the drinking obviously is not helping you,physically or mentally. If you are experiencing black outs then worrying for days on what could have happened then why would you put yourself through that again?
You need to get a handle on the meds before you think about going out. It is as simple as that.

Please keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

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Blue727
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 36
   Posted 4/27/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
I am seeing a counselor once a week, but nothing seems to work.  I wake up in the morning and my body feels like it can't sit still and all I do is yawn.  I just wonder if it isn't an adverse reaction to taking Lexapro.  I've been taking it for two months now and you would think it would do the opposite of what I'm going through right now.  I'm very lost, as I've tried about everything there is.  Thanks!

jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 4/28/2007 2:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Blue
Wow..you are going thru a really Bad patch..but considering what you have had to endure lately it's hardly suprising..and actually I think you need a Gold Medal for just getting up in the morning!
So..lets see what we can do here..hmmm...let's go back to the night when you cannot remember what happened..from what I can gather that's what freaked you out the most..completely understandable..sheesh, and yes any imaginable things could have happened! But, as it happens you survived :-) which is wonderful...I think it was your body and mind giving you a wake-up call..making you slow down and have a rethink about your life...so you gave up your stressful job..another brave move..and you have moved further from your children..sheesh, another stressful one...but hey, once again you have survived :-)
I can see a pattern emerging here..and it all points to you being braver than you could ever imagine yourself!
So, you have reached the bottom of the well..and now it's time to start climbing out..little steps..ok.
Anxiety/Depression makes us 10 times more sensitive about every little thing that is going on with our body..believe me having been there too many times..but hey I survived too :-)
For me to desensitise from these feelings I have to distract my mind...change my direction as such...take on a jigsaw, or other project..anything to stop me thinking 'ick' feelings...and breathe deeply...relax a little..sigh..
If you feel that the meds you are taking are not working..go back to your doc and explain how you are feeling just now..print out your post and take it with you if you want..
Keep posting.
Big Hugs for you..
Maree
Forum Moderator - Depression
Forum Moderator - Anxiety-Panic Disorders
 
"In any moment of decision,
the best thing you can do is the right thing,
the next best thing is the wrong thing,
and the worst thing you can do is nothing."
Roosevelt.
 
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 
 

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