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doglover419
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/28/2007 8:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi-
I am new to this and am needing some help.  I am very worried that my husband is having some kind of mental health issue, possibly depression.  I know that you are probably going to think that I am in denial when I tell you this, but please know that we have always had a very strong marriage and very close, good relationship.  about 7 mos ago, my husband got into a disagreement with his mom, who other than me, was his best friend.  They talked frequently and we did things with her and her fiance' as couples a lot.  As a result of this disagreement (which was a typical disagreement like people have all the time) my husband has not spoken to his mom or anyone else in his family since.  His mom tried to call and make peace.  She invited us to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and other family events.  He won't talk about it and just wants nothing to do with her.  Shortly after their disagreement, he was promoted at work to a job that has significantly increased his stress level.  Around the first of the year, he started going out more with people from work for a few drinks here & there saying he was needing to get in with his new managers, etc.  At the beginning of February we went on a trip he had earned through work to Las Vegas.  We had a GREAT time!  The only problem we had was at one point he struggled with the temptation of gambling, as about 7 or 8 years ago he overcame a pretty severe gambling addiction.  Otherwise, we really enjoyed the trip.  about 3 weeks after the trip, we stayed with his brother's kids for a week while they were on vacation ( we don't have children of our own yet).  Upon returning home from their house, I saw that he had a text message he had received while we were at his brother's from a woman he works with asking him if was going to come out with their group of friends.  I then saw that he had her number programmed into his phone (he only had 4 other numbers programmed in there).  I asked him about it and he said that she had said that this group from work was going out and had asked him for us to come.  He said he didn't know if we could and he would call them and let them know that night.  Since he didn't have her number, she programmed it into his phone so that we could get ahold of them if we decided to go.  This was around the beginning of March.  Since then, I have intercepted some more text messages from her and questioned him and he continued to maintain that she was just his friend.  about a week after finding the first one, he told me that he just wasn't happy and was not sure if things were good between us anymore. Mind you, about 1 month before that, we had taken that great trip.  For the last 6 weeks, we have been on a roller coaster ride of him telling me one day that he thinks we would be happier apart and that he loves me but doesn't think he is in love with me anymore and then telling me how much he loves me and couldn't live without me the next.  A little over a week ago, we had a discussion and he told me that he really cared for this other woman from work and had feelings for her and was confused about what to do.  He said she did not return the feelings, saying that she cared about him, but only as a friend.  We had talked a few weeks ago about going to counseling and then had a really good stretch and decided we just needed to communicate better with each other, and not assume we know how the other is feeling.  A few days before he told me he was confused, when I asked why he was so up and down in his feelings for me, he said that when he was thinking clearly, he knew he wanted to be with me, but other times, he didn't.  There have been several times now in the last few weeks that he has stayed out very late or has not come home at all, staying at a friend's house.  Last Saturday was one of these nights and when I talked to him around midnight, he was so drunk he could hardly talk.  This is not typical at all.  A few days before he told me that he was confused, he said he thought we should probably go to counseling after all.  I agreed and we set up an appointment for this last Monday.  We went and seemed to have a very good discussion with the doctor, with him being honest and saying that he was confused and wasn't sure if we stayed together b/c we were in love, or b/c it was the comfortable, easy thing to do.  I brought up the relationship with the other woman and he told the dr. that they started to become close several months ago when her marriage was falling apart and she needed someone to talk to.  He said that he started becoming unhappy with our relationship last fall (coincidentally about the same time he had it out with his mom) and that he knew that he should have talked to me about it then, but didn't and is now worried that it is too late.  After meeting with the dr, we went out to dinner together and had more open, honest conversation, and walked out laughing together and seeming a little like prior to the last 6 weeks.  The next day I was not feeling well and stayed home from work.  He got me a blanket, some water, etc before leaving for work and even gave me a kiss goodbye.  That afternoon I emailed him and asked him to bring some soup home for supper.  He said of course he would, what kind, how was I feeling, etc. just like the caring husband I used to know.  At 6:30 that evening, he sent me a text message saying he would be home in 20 minutes.  Over an hour later he came home, walked in, said we needed to talk and that he couldn't do it anymore and wanted a divorce.  I tried talking to him and asking him to go to a few more counseling sessions and he said that he had feelings for this other woman that he didn't have for me anymore.  When I asked if she knew how he felt, he said she did.  When I asked what her reponse was, he said that she told him that he was married and couldn't even discuss that.  Since then (Tuesday-4 days ago) we haven't spoken.  I have been staying at my sister's and he has been staying at home and somewhere else part of the time.  However, he also has not made any effort to start the divorce process with a lawyer and has not made any effort to do any of the things to the house we said needed to be done in order to sell it.
 
Now, I know this probably sounds like the typical "husband found someone else" situation, but I am so worried and confused about his erratic up and down behavior and the impact that work and his relationship issues with his mom have presented. If anyone has any opinion on this, please let me have it.  I have spoken to his mom and dad, and they are both confused by his odd behavior, too, and also both say that they think there has to be more going on b/c they knew how much he loved me and what a good person he is and would be the last person to ever cheat or just cast me aside for another woman, especially not knowing if she even felt the same way.  Please, please, if you have any words of wisdom, I really need some help.  I am worried that he is battling some kind of mental health issues, and is focusing it on us.

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/28/2007 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi doglover, Welcome to healing well forum.  I am very sorry for all your going through.  Seperation and divorce is very difficult and more so when you still have great love for that person.  From reading your post here it is hard to tell if your husband is suffering from some sort of mental illness or depression.  However, it does seem that perhaps some of his behavior now may be contributed to his fallout with his mother.  It sounds like he is acting out almost and has a lot of confusion regarding his feelings.
I wonder if his mother would be willing to physically go and speak to him?  You stated that she has tried to call but as a result of whatever this disagreement was he has cut off his entire family.  That is a huge stressor I'm sure and something that needs to be fixed as soon as possible.  If it all started with him and his mom then she should go to him and try to solve it in anyway possible.
As for his cheating (if that is what he is doing now) and bouncing back and forth between you and this other woman, I think at some point you will have to make some serious choices in your life.  Even though he may be going through a difficult time in his life right now doesnt give him the right to treat you in this manner and disrespect you and your marriage this way. 

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


doglover419
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 4/28/2007 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.  I really appreciate it and am so confused.  Hopefully this issue will be resolved and we will both end up happy.  I hope that it is together, but can't make his decisions for him.  Again, thanks for your response.
 
Doglover

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 4/29/2007 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I hope you are right doglover, and I wish that very much for you.  Please do keep posting here and keeping us updated on how things go.  Or even just on how you are doing as I know this is very stressful, I have been there myself and wish I knew of this forum 3 years ago...I think it would of helped greatly.
 
Take care
 

Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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