OK, I'm at work, so I'll keep this short.
I had a very bad low last February and have beed getting help since. Started with Zoloft, then to Lexapro 10, then 20, now 30 mgs a day. I take lunesta to sleep at night.
I had gotten "better" for a while. I have been back to work for 2 months and I've finally caught up just now. I can act pretty "chipper" for my co-workers and family, but of course I spend a lot more time in my office than usual. I know it is fake even when I do it, but it is easier than wallowing in it.
The last few days have been hard. I can't "fake it" as well. I just spent my lunch hour driving arround aimlesly because I couldn't decide what to eat. When I did decide and order I remembered that I didn't have any money on me and had to cancel the order. I drove back to the office crying. Lunch should not do this to me.
I go the the Doc on tuesday.
I have spent the last week or so in a fog. Everything was numb. I actually tried to think back to a feeling that felt real and the only ones that i can think of are the pain of my deep depression and when I fell in love ten years ago. (both are chemical) Have I realy been in a state of depression that long? Everything else feels contrived.
When I was driving I thought about clearing my bank account and going for a drive for a few days just to clear my head. I just want to drive and keep going.
My husband has been worth his weight in gold all this time, but he called me yesterday at work and let me know that he is going back on HIS depression meds. I can't lean on him now.
Gotta get back to work. Will post tonight.