I think my depression has totally torn my marriage apart!!!!

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alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/10/2007 7:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I am 25 and I have 2 little boys (5 years and 2 years).  Me and my husband have been married for 2 years now and have been having a hard time for 10 or more months now.  It has been a long time.  We had taken a trip to the Dominican in January and he told me that he wanted a divorce because I wasn't who he wanted and he wasn't happy with me.  Since then I have been having a hard time being intimate with him etc.  I am having a hard time getting past what he said.  Since then things have been more rough.  He has been telling me off and on that he is not happy with me and that I have to change for him to be happy.  Right now I am not happy either.  I am not sure what to do.  I want someone who is happy with me and loves me for who I am.  I have been considering divorce for the last couple of months now.  He deserves to be happy and so do I. 
 
I guess I should add that I have been feeling depressed since January when he told me that he didn't want to be with me any more.
 
I would like some other peoples advice on this subject.  I am really torn with what to do.  We have split once before he got married and after a year got back together.  He told me the only reason he got back together with me was because of our son and because I was always phoning him and "wouldn't leave him along" (those are his words).  I loved him very much. 

strengthin1
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 5/10/2007 3:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Alicia,

Maybe part of the problem is that you have depresion and this is creating tension in your Marriage.  I know this may be a long shot b/c I do not suffer from Depression but I was in a relationship w/ a woman that I love dearly that did.  I found myself caught up in emotions that I never felt before  that almost killed me.  From the "other side" please seek medical attention to try to make sense of exactly what you are  experiencing.  I've been reading this forum for months and I feel for those that have depression b/c even though I do not have it this is the most terrible disease I have ever seen someone have to live with.  It cost me the most precious thing in my life and I will never be whole again as a result and this is small compared to what my Ex has to live with every day.  Keep the Faith. 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/10/2007 3:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Alicia
Welcome to the board,I am very glad that you found us and I hope you find the support that you are looking for.

Hippiegirl has given you excellent advice and she is very right..why should you change to make "him" happy?
ummmm hello you now have two young boys to take care of. Of course you are somewhat different than before the children.
Excuse you if you have major responsibilities now and that includes raising HIS boys!!!

Ok now that I am over my little vent.... Will he consider going to counseling? If not I suggest getting some major counseling for yourself and then try to figure out what you are going to do to make YOU happy.
At some point your life can not be all about him. It is you,kids and if he wants to be in it then he needs to figure it out.
I am sorry if I sound harsh,but after only 2 years of marriage and 2 kids he is not happy? What the????

Please stay strong and keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia

www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/11/2007 7:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you so much to everybody that replied.  I really appreciate it. 
 
I know, only 2 years of marriage and he is not happy already and to tell you the truth I am not happy right now either.  This is no the way that I expected my life to be. 
 
He is wanting me to just be happy again and forget about everything he said.  I gained about 10 pounds in the last 5 months or so and I am not happy with my body image.  I have been trying to go for walks with the kids, but I am having trouble finding time between naps and also me working from home (I am a medical transcriptionist from home - I work when my kids nap).  He tells me that he hasn't seen me doing anything about the weight issue and until I do I won't be happy and he won't be happy. 
 
Also, since he has told me that he wanted a divorce and that I wasn't the person that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, I have had trouble with being intimate with him.  He told me that he is not happy with our sex life.  Which I do see his point as well, but how am I suppose to just jump into bed with him after everything.  I can't and I won't.  He says that if I do not change that part he is not going to live that way and he wants a divorce. 
 
Also, when I have something planned and I have asked him if he will stay with the kids for a couple of hours he always ends up getting mad for some reason or another and leaves so that I cannot do what I have planned.   I don't know if that is his way of keeping me from doing things or what.  I do not get it.
 
We always have issues every single day and I am getting tired of fighting every single day.  I know they are not major issues, but if we can't even sort through those we won't be able to do anything.  He tells me a lot that I won't be able to live on my own without him, which is kind of true.  That is what makes it hard for me to decide what to do.  If I leave I do not know if I will be able to support the kids.  The cost of living where I am is ridiculous. 
 
Anytime anything comes up that we have planned together we always fight, always.  It is always the simplest things that we find to fight about.  Anytime we go out with some of his friends, he always leaves me sitting by myself and does not even acknowledge me at all. 
 
I want someone who loves me for who I am and who constantly reminds me of how much he cares about me and how lucky he is to have me.  I want someone who will hold my hand in front of his friends.  I want someone who calls me beautiful instead of hot.  My husband will have nothing nice to say about me all day and then when he feels like he wants sex, he is the nicest person you will ever find.  I hate that.  It makes me angry.  I really do not feel like kissing the lips that have been talking "crap" all day to me.  If that makes sense. 
 
I don't have anymore time right now, but I will keep you posted. 
 
I do not want to just through this marriage away, but it is really toxic right now to me and the kids.  Right now at this point in time, I want out and he has told me time and time again that he wants out as well.  Where I live it takes months to get a counselor and he refuses to go to one, because he says that he doesn't have the problem, I do. 
 
Anyways, thanks again for all of the posts.  I really do appreciate it.  I know some of these things that I have wrote above seem so minor that it shouldn't be causes this must stress in our relationship, but it does and I do not know how to fix it. 
 
Thanks,

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 5/11/2007 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   

eyes  Welcome and believe me, I understand what you are saying.

I was married twice and divorced.  My marriages were put through hell with my depression especially the 2nd one.  Yes I will tell you that depression will destroy everything you have.  Looking back now, it destroyed my second marriage and many of my friendships.  In those relationships, I knew depression played a part in hurting what was important in my life but I didn't care about what was happening. If you read any of my posts to members like yourself, I know first hand how depression hurts others when you truly try to confine it to the small corners of your mind.

The advice I can give is this, if you think it is reaking havoc, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET IT UNDER CONTROL, do your part don't let the one you love carry more than they can, ALWAYS let them know that you are aware of what is going on and that you love them and need them.

My depression let to other things in my life that destroyed the one in my life.  Depression will make you feel insecure and make you question what you have.  You will do things in your life that will (in your depressions minds eye) be what you need to do to secure your safety and identity, after all with depression, you will are never good enough so therefore you must make sure at whatever cost you play into what depression says to do!!!!  DONT DO THIS, BE TRUE TO THE PERSON THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE, IF THAT MEANS FEELING INSECURE DON'T DO THINGS TO MAKE YOUR INSECURITY A SAFETY NET, TALK TO SOMEONE about WHY YOU ARE FEELING THAT WAY.  If they love you they will understand.

In other posts, I also advised that another great outlet is the chance to let this forum be a part of you and your partners life. It can be a healing but the only catch is their has to be a sincere honesty and want for you to be healthy and open with your depression no matter what!

You will be fine just know that I know first hand what happens when it reaks havoc, what is most important is it not only the sadness of depression that can hurt you it is depression in masks that make you feel unworthy, dont let that happen.

Take care and God bless you.

Have faith in your relationship and never give up the gift God gave you.


Teresa

Ghost mom
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 5/11/2007 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Tell him he can have his divorce, if he takes custody of the kids. That'll shut him up. He wants to be footloose and fancy free again. Well that doesn't happen after you have children. It's time for him to grow up. Does he realize if you get divorced that most of his paycheck will go to you and the boys? Maybe once you explain that to him he'll be willing to change too. I'd definitely start with marriage counseling. Try your best to make it work. You both have so much built up anger that you can't even talk to each other. You need someone else to help you get to the bottom of it all, find out where the resentment started. Once that gets out in the open, hopefully the two of you can learn to talk about what's bothering you before it starts to fester. Good luck!

PS. Try taking 5-HTP for weight loss, just 50mg a day for a week then maybe 100mg a day.

GM

alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/11/2007 9:04 AM (GMT -7)   

I do not think that the reason that my husband wants a divorce is because he wants to be free again.  He said that if we get a divorce he wants to have the kids, which will not happen.  When we split up the first time I took our oldest son and he got him every other weekend.  Whenever he had him he always would get a babysitter so he could go out.  I think that he is thinking that he has made a mistake and should not have married me.  He has told me recently that when we got back together the first time it was because he thought that I was a changed person.  We have been together since we were 16, which has been a long time.  He didn't want me to have our first child.  He wanted me to have an abortion, which I refused.  He didn't have to stay with me, but he chose to.  After we got married we had our 2nd child right after.  Things were good for a bit and then they got worse. 

I am pretty sure he does realize that most of his paycheck would go to us and I think that is why he is saying he wants a divorce but isn't going through with it.  I think deep down he really wants it, but doesn't want to have to deal with everything afterwards.  He has told me that if we do divorce he will quit his job and get a lower income job so that he doesn't have to pay me as much.  Immature, I know. 

I am feeling like I am a teenager again and dealing with a lot of juvenile things.  I am so torn with what to do.  One minute he tells me he loves me and then an hour later he is telling me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he is not happy.  I do not get him. 

I am trying to prepare myself for if we do get a divorce, financial wise anyways.  I know my kids will be crushed, but it might be the best for them.  I am going to look into a counselor in the meantime and see if I can get things sorted out with myself.  I have asked him about a week ago to go to marriage counseling and he says that he does not believe in that.  So, I guess that won't work.

Thank you to all that replied.  I am reading every post carefully and trying to get the most advice as I can from here.  It is great to have some help and supporters. 


MI.GIRL
New Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/11/2007 9:21 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia, Your story is like a mirror image of my and my husbands marriage. Only we have been married for 9 years. Just recently I did apply for a divorce because I was tired of all the negativity in our life and the though of what it was doing to our two children. My husband has had serious mood swings since we have been together always blaming everything on me. We have since reconciled but he admitted that maybe he had a chemical imbalance and has sought help. Yesterday he was diagnosed with cystic depression. Last year I was seriously depressed and believed him that all our problems were my fault. Since then I have found out that I have a hypoactive thyroid. I guess what I am trying to say is yes maybe you are depressed, But there also maybe something wrong with him and if you truely love him and he you - you will find a way to get through this together! Beleave me I know!! Good luck with everything I know it is a tough road.

TexasJen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 649
   Posted 5/11/2007 5:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Alicia, my heart goes out to you. YOU are not the problem in your marriage. Your husband is the problem. He is a control freak: constantly telling you that YOU have to change to satisfy whatever it is he wants at any given moment. Nobody could satisfy a person like that! It's like trying to shoot a constantly moving target: impossible. Don't you see that he is jerking your chain and adding to your depression? He's getting off on it! What power he has to make a human being (you, his wife) constantly jump to please him and make him happy. Let me tell you, NOBODY can make a man like that happy.

By all means, get yourself to a counselor. Find out what it is that YOU want out of life, and I'm betting it's not him. If counseling is going to work and save your marriage, your husband will have to contribute to it equally. Everything you have written about him tells me he will only blame you for the marriage problems and never take an honest look at his own behavior. No man who is in love with his wife will constantly criticize her about her weight. No man who is in love with his wife will belittle her. No man who is in love with his wife refers to her only as "hot" - and that only when he wants sex. I'm really sorry, but from everything you have written, my opinion of your husband is.... well, I can't say it in a public forum. At the very least, he is a selfish manipulator.

If you do end up leaving him, do you have a job? Can you support yourself and your children? Now is the time to pursue job skills if you haven't already. I suspect that independence will do a great deal for your depression. You don't have to be a helpless victim.
Living in the Republic of Texas minus a gallbladder, a couple of cervical discs, appendix, uterus, and 18" of colon; but living with my wonderful husband, 2 dogs, 1 cockatiel, and 2 gold fish. 


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/11/2007 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
I do have a job.  I am a medical transcriptionist and I work from home.  It is difficult to have the kids around and try to work, but it beats paying a babysitter.  I also work at the local clinic some nights of the week.  It is only a couple of days a week, but it is something.  I do not want my kids to go to a babysitter because that would mean $1000/month would go to that for me to work full-time.  It is not worth it.  I have looked a bit into the housing authority here, but they are quite busy.  They told me that since I am a single mother that I would be put to the top of the list, so I do have an option there. 
 
My husband is a good dad.  I do not want to make him sound like a bad dad.  He is perfect with them, except for the fact that he sometimes puts me down in front of them or starts an argument when they are around.  I do not agree with that. 
 
I have been reading a lot online about depression and marriages.  I have learned a lot and now I just want to make sure that I am financially stable before I go out on my own if that is the case.  If he agrees to go to a counselor I will give it 100% to try to fix this marriage, but if he doesn't agree to it, I think it is probably over.  I do not want to be the only one who is trying to fix it.  He has to realize that he has things he has to change as well.  I know I am not perfect and I have things to work on as well.  I have to get my depression under control.  I have always wondered that if I was on my own and away from the stressors from him that maybe I would get better. 
 
Thanks for writing. 

TexasJen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 649
   Posted 5/11/2007 8:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Good for you!!! Alicia, you have a far better handle on things than you give yourself credit for. You have my heartfelt congratulations for seeing your situation for what it is, leaving no stone unturned to fix it first, and making plans for the future if your marriage doesn't work out. Do you have any idea how many women can't even get to that point? You are stronger than you think.

As for your husband's parenting skills, a good father does not "put down" a child's mother in front of said child. It is apparent he treats his children well in other respects, but using them as a weapon to beat you with does not a good father make.

You can't force your husband into counseling. He will either be willing to work on your relationship, or he won't. But I'm glad you are willing to try. When you have exhausted everything, you'll know it's over. Again, you have a sound plan. Stick to it. God Bless. :-)
Living in the Republic of Texas minus a gallbladder, a couple of cervical discs, appendix, uterus, and 18" of colon; but living with my wonderful husband, 2 dogs, 1 cockatiel, and 2 gold fish. 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/13/2007 6:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia
While reading your post a couple of major things jumped out at me. Him starting a fight before you plan on leaving somewhere,him telling you that you will not make it on your own,and him saying he will take the kids.... it is called mental abuse
He for some reason is trying to break you down but using harsh words and controlling you.

I was married for 13 years to a man that did the same crap...along with alot of other things. After 13 years of mental and physical abuse I left. It took alot of will. But,I made it without him and have never been happier.

In order for you to get better you have got to change your environment. You home is not happy. You do not have to live like this at all.
No matter what he tells you,you will make it on your own. You will have rough times,but it will never be as bad as what you are going through now.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


sandspoker
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 104
   Posted 5/13/2007 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia - I just read your post and felt compelled to add my two cents.  I too suffered from a bout of depression several years ago and it definitely put a strain on my relationship (we weren't married at the time).  Men can be extremely selfish Alicia - and they can seem so cold at times.  Sometimes, it really isn't their fault because they were brought up that way.  Does your husband's father have the same attitude?  My husband's father can be a real treat if you catch my drift.  He has never respected his wife and I could see some of that attitude in my husband - but I fixed him!!! LOL
For me, I felt that I had to be the one to deal with my own emotions and no one else's.  I just put me first - I did whatever I could do to get myself out of my funk.  I would practice positive thinking [I know it's difficult because I know that feeling - I would wake up, it would be a beautiful day, I had everything I wanted yet I was still sad :(... ].  I did things that made ME happy - whatever I could to bring a bit of joy into my life.  I finally started to feel better and little by little - got back to the old me.
To be honest, your husband sounds a little compulsive too - could it be that he too suffers from something?  It sounds like HE doesn't even know what he wants - perhaps he too is depressed.  He would probably never admit it though (if they admit it, it just might be true...lol).
Try to be Positive - it is truly amazing what good positive strong thoughts can do for you! 
Take control of your life - try not to caught up in his comments and don't fight (bite your lip if you have to) with him as it generates negative thoughts - especially when he says hurtful things and it will only get you down. 
Repeat after me...
I am an amazing woman... I am strong... I am in control... I am happy with ME!!!  

alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/13/2007 10:56 AM (GMT -7)   

My husbands father is a real treat as well.  More and more lately I can see his dad in him, if you get what I mean.  He is acting more and more like him every day.  His mother and father divorced when he was young.  It was not a good divorce.  His father was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally to his mother.  I do not want my marriage to end up like theirs did, but it is well on its way already.  My husband is not physically abusive in any way at all.  I want to be happy so bad.  The way it is going right now I am not happy.  We went out with a group of friends on Friday night.  To the bar, which I know is not a good place to get your relationship better, but we thought that it would be fun to go out again since it has been so long.  I now remember why we didn't go out together anymore.  Every time we go out it ends up with us getting kicked out of the bar because he fights.  He told me this morning that he doesn't even remember most of it.  Not because he was drunk though, because he didn't drink that much.  I told him that he could have just been the better man and walked away, but he said that that is not who he is.  It makes me so mad that he has to fight whenever we go out.  He just doesn't understand.  He thinks it makes him look like the better man by kicking the crap out of somebody.  I don't get it.  I am tired of it. 

Well since today is Mother's Day he told me that he would take me out for breakfast with the kids, which was really nice.  Except since I didn't want to have sex this morning, because he was a dink to me all day yesterday, he decided that I was going to have to do everything by myself today.  He didn't want to do anything with me because I wouldn't have sex.  It is so frustrating. 

Well, I think that is enough venting for today. 

 


Lucy_T
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 5/20/2007 11:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Alicia,

I was only 17 years old when I married my first husband. It is a story of total physical and mental abuse. He destroyed my self-esteem. No matter what happened he always turned it around on me. After a while I started believing it was my fault. I would think if I didn't say that or do that this would never have happened. It took me 25 years and in the end he had a girlfriend. Everyone knew but me and it wasn't the first time. This was actually a blessing because I finally got away from him because he wanted it. Through the years we went through all kinds of counseling and things improved for a short time but never lasted. If things didn't go his way he destroyed things in the house or hurt me. My three daughters grew up like this. I always thought keeping the family together was best no matter what. Back then the police didn't arrest even if you were bruised. You had to go to a magistrate and process it yourself. I never did because I knew he would kill me. I did not have the financial means to keep my girls in the same lifestyle we had (nice house, car, private school, etc.). I didn't want to live in a bad neighborhood. I never thought anyone else would want me because he made me believe this. He told me if ever tried to leave him and take my daughters, he would kill me. I believed him and always prayed that I would live until them grew up. I worried about what would happen to them if I died. Now when I look back at things I regret losing 25 years of my life with him. I should have been strong and tried for a better life for myself and my daughters. You may not have physical abuse but fighting all the time is not good and this is mental abuse that you are going through. Do not lose your self esteem or blame yourself. Try counselling. If he won't go, do it yourself so someone professional can support you. When you get depressed sometimes you cannot make good decisions. If you have family and friends talk to them. At least you are young and you can start a new life and you will be happy again. You might not think so now but things will get better. Hang on to yourself and who you are. People here will listen to you and try to help you. God bless you.

Love
Lucy

Boo
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2004
Total Posts : 724
   Posted 5/21/2007 1:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Alicia, TexJen took the words right out of my mouth.  Control Freak....getting mad when you have plans, making comments about weight, etc.  I'm all over these boards as I, like most folks have more than one diagnosis.  Depression is one of them and your story stands out to me.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Sounds so familiar to me.  I was dx'd many years ago and it has been the "scapegoat" for many of our problems.  Now I see that many of those problems were in place long before I could put my finger on depression.  Several years ago my hubby said and did the very same things and had an affair with my best friend.  Soon after it all "hit the fan" he was dx'd with bi-polar disorder.  So much for scapegoats.  Now he had one of his very own to lean on.  Long story short.....after much therapy, individual and together, we are still in the same house, both still addressing own individual needs with our docs, therapy as needed and psychs of our own.....his frustration with HIS shortcomings are just that...his.  When someone is making you 100% responsible for his happiness, there's a problem.  My hubby once made a comment about my weight and I told him that as soon as I lost it he'd have to move out since it was such an issue. 

I'm taking your situation very seriously.  I feel for you.  I support you.  Take care of yourself and your children.  He might have to go find another brick wall to to beat his head on.  Boo


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/22/2007 7:18 AM (GMT -7)   

Well..........last night my husband was on the computer for a LONG LONG time.  This morning I went into the history (I know I shouldn't snoop, but I did).  He was looking up divorce etc on the computer.  Should I confront him about this or leave it alone?  If he is that serious and is looking it up I figure that he is more than ready to go through with it.  I know he has told me that he wanted a divorce before, but I didn't totally believe him that he was ready to get one. 

It was a strange, strange weekend.  He was a a&%hole to me Friday and Saturday and then Sunday he was nice and then Monday came around and he was back to his old self again.  He told me that he just needs sex and then he will be nice to me again and will stop being an a&%hole, but to me that is not our problem.  There is much more to it than just sex.  This is getting so frustrating.  I really wish we could just get along.  I know everyone in my family will be mad at me if I get a divorce because they really like him and they don't want my kids to get hurt.  My sister has told me time and time again when I speak to her about my situation that I should think about the kids and stay together with my husband because if I do not my kids will be devastated.  What am I suppose to do?  I am so confused.  I wish it wasn't so complicated.

I hope you all had a good weekend. 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/22/2007 3:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Alicia
Ok hon...listen to me for a second...take a deep deep breath.
I was married for 13 years to a man that sounds somewhat like your husband. The big difference is mine decided to use me as his personal punching bag to get what he wanted. Sex,not buying the kids their extra treats at the store,the house not being completely spotless after I had worked a 10 hr day..you name it.
I could not go anywhere without him either following me or calling. If I took the kids to my mom's he was calling within 10 minutes of us arriving. Go to work,he would call me numerous times throughout the day.
He told me I would never make it without him,no one would want me....and he would take my kids and run.
I did not eat,I was popping anti depressants left and right just to get through the day.
My family had no idea how he really was,and basically was too worried about how my divorce would affect their lives.
I finally had enough one morning,woke up..made his coffee and set it in front of him. Told him I was leaving at that was that.
It has been 6 years since I left that man,and I have never been happier or healthier.
Now...MOST important.
My kids were older,but I still thought that I had hidden all of the bad things from them. I didn't. My daughter was only 13 at the time,and she looked at me while we were driving to the store to get boxes and said "mom,about time you did this". Imagine my shock.
Your kids feel the stress,they hear the fights..they lay in bed wondering what is going to happen. They wish for better days.
It is not a healthy environment for them. Especially sons. To see their dad treat their mom like that? What kind of role model is that?
If he is looking at divorce..then let him. Let him be the one that shovels the money for the lawyers.
But,before he does that....you need to sit down and write EVERYTHING down that he has ever said or done to you that is not right...why? because when the time comes to tell someone then you will probably forget..mostly due to nerves.
Next,sit down and write up a basic plan on what you are going to do when it happens. You will need a temporary place to live for a few months...this is not the time to be vain,lean on your family. They will be there for you.
You have a job so you are ok with that..money will be tight for a few months but you will learn how to overcome that.
Make him pay his dues...if he carries the health insurance for the kids,make sure it is in the settlement that he continues to do just that. Make him pay the full amount that your state recommends of child support.

Now....... remember it is time to look out for you and your kids. He is on his own.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


TexasJen
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 649
   Posted 5/22/2007 6:16 PM (GMT -7)   
YES!! Shy, you did a great job with that post. My congratulations for putting the situation clearly and succinctly.

Alicia, I am reminded of my sister-in-law who was in a similar situation. She said, "If someone wants to divorce your ***, what can you do?" Sad, but ultimately true. You can't make your husband "happy." No matter how many hoops you jump through, no matter how often you "service" him, there will always be something for him to complain about.

Your children aren't stupid. I agree with Shy, they know how bad it is. Maybe they don't understand the details, but they certainly feel the strain.

You have a big fight coming, and I hope you're prepared for it. Shy gave you some really excellent tips. Please think about what she said.
Living in the Republic of Texas minus a gallbladder, a couple of cervical discs, appendix, uterus, and 18" of colon; but living with my wonderful husband, 2 dogs, 1 cockatiel, and 2 gold fish. 


sassyfrassy
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 224
   Posted 5/22/2007 6:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Alicia, it doesnt sound like your depression has torn your marriage apart, your HUSBAND has done that. This is a difficult thing to do sweetpea, but it inst as awful as your imagination makes it out to be. Been there, done that. My 1st husband was VERY much like your husband sounds. We were married for 10 years when I woke up one day and decided I couldnt do this anymore. I couldnt do it because NOTHING i did made him happy, and in the process I almost lost myself, if that makes any sense to you. My point is this: I have a feeling that IF you decide for YOU and your boys to end this marriage, you routlook is going to brighten up a whole lot. ANYONE in your position would be depressed. You can do this alicia. Your children deserve to have their mom whole and happy. IMHO contrary to the popular view, it is NOT always better to stay for the kids. Keep us posted, keep talking and best wishes for you sweetpea. We're here for you always :)

PS  Watch Oprah tomorrow at 4:00. She is having a tory about staing in abusive realtionships "for the kids" and what harm that can actually cause them.


dx: congenital spondylolisthesis L4, L5-S1:
in english I have 2 slipped vertebrae, no disc material
defibrilator (implanted 1/02)
rx: endocet 10/325, tramadol 300mg, tizanidine 4mg, cozaar 100mg
 
There arent any strangers here, just friends you havent met yet :)

Post Edited (sassyfrassy) : 5/22/2007 7:46:47 PM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/23/2007 5:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Divorce is so hard,but in order to get better,you have to be in a healthy environment..and a husband that is always putting you down is not creating a healthy environment for anyone.
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 13478
   Posted 5/23/2007 4:55 PM (GMT -7)   
My 2 cents, came from a divorced family and I have been divorced twice. Do not, I repeat, do not stay together because of your children. That is a cop out. Your children are suffering way more than you can possibly imagine. They hear and see the arguments, they try to go to sleep at night and they hear the same thing. Its day in & day out nearly. They sense both something being wrong with both you and the husband. What you don't realize is they are being damaged right now and it can affect them with alot of things when they get older. Trust me on this one. My mother stayed in an abusive marriage for 18 yrs because of us kids. She was old school too. Unfortunately, that staying in the marriage affected all of us kids horribly as adults.
 
One good healthy stable parent is better than two parents in a disfunctional environment. The kids feel at this point that they actually have neither of you.
 
My 1st husband was similar in many ways of yours. After 9 yrs of marriage and being told how I could not make it w/o him, no other man would want me and these brats, well honey I fooled him. It was hard, I went back to work infact I worked 2 jobs, but guess what I made it w/o him or his child support he would not pay. He lived in another state and they didn't enforce it so much back then like they do now. He has no idea how much his mouthing really spurred me on to prove him wrong. lol.
 
Good luck and lots of hugs coming your way. Susie 


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 5/23/2007 5:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Alicia from what i have read here your husband is the one that has the problem and the decision to go through with a divorce can only be yours we are here with our own experiences and some have gone through a lot .
I have been married for 26yrs and when my hubby told me he didn`t want me around i was so shocked but in a way could understand why he was saying this to me . I have suffered from depression for quite a while a lot has to do with my child hood and as it was i have been pushing away my family for ages mostly without even thinking about it .i have a psychologist i see fairly regularly and she has been my light and has helped me get this far . The thing is my hubby was not aware of what i was going through or how i was feeling ( a lot he still doesen`t know ) after talking about some of it he has become more understanding .
there has to be a certain amount of give and take on both sides in a marriage and both parties need to feel happy and cared for .
Your health is of great importance as your children rely upon you as their mother so you have to take care of you .I know from experience that it`s easier said than done .
So my only suggestion is to talk with your hubby and let him know how you are feeling and how he is and take it from there . If it comes to a stage where divorce is the only solution then you know in your heart that at least you have given it your best shot .
In the mean time see your family doctor and let him know whats happening with you he will be there and be able to help you and give you a direction in which to go .
Restless

slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 5/24/2007 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Marriage is a tricky thing y'know. But it takes two. I've been married for almost 9 years and I have come very close to walking out at least twice. But I dragged my husband to counselling. He was definitely resistant at first but in the end, we've always managed to get our marriage back on track. One thing you said that I could totally relate to was when you got pregnant, he wanted you to have an abortion. The difference is, when I got pregnant and refused to have the abortion, he walked out and has never been seen again. As I read your story, I see what could've been had he decided to stay. And I feel for you something terrible. Do you think that perhaps part of the problem is that he resents you for putting him in the position he is in today? I know it takes two to tango, but when kids come into the picture everything changes. And it's easier for him to blame you than accept his own responsibilities for the role he played and then the choices he's made because of those responsibilities. I know from my own experience, that part of my problem is dealing with the resentment I have towards my kids, particularly my son. I love them. But having my son when I did prevented me from moving on with my schooling, following my dreams, and any social life I had, I completely lost. My friends were off travelling, enjoying University/College life, while I was changing diapers. I'm not saying what your husband is doing is right. Cause it's not. He helped create those kids as much as you did. They are his responsibility. But I wonder that he kind of feels like he has no choice but to be with you because of the kids, one he didn't even want at first, and he resents that, and you take the brunt of that resentment. And he may never be able to get past that. His way of exerting power over a situation he feels he has no control over, is bullying you. And they say the best way to deal with a bully, is to confront him. Stand up to him. What I'm about to suggest isn't easy, but you take the first step towards divorce. Maybe if you took the power out of his hands, he'd realize that he can't just push you around and throw out threats. Sometimes it takes scaring them to make real changes. And if he walks away anyways, it's amazing what adversity does to people. They fight. They survive. And you will too. And I agree with the above, there has to be more reason to stay than your kids. One day they will be grown up and gone from the nest. What will you have then? You have to invest a little in your own future and you have to look to the future and say, can I really see myself with this person, growing old, hanging out and doing our own thing when the kids are gone? If the answer is no, than don't hang onto a poisonous relationship for 20 years just because of the kids. Who knows who you could meet. You deserve better. I know for a fact there are men out there who treat kids they didn't help create, as if they did, and these relationships can be as fullfilling (or moreso) than the original package. I'm married to one. I was extremely lucky. My boyfriend (now husband) walked in three weeks after the sperm donor walked out... He was there when my son was born. And by all means, he has far more right to be called dad then the one who actually helped conceive him. And I'm hoping my son will see it the same way when he comes to finally know and understand his true roots. Anyways, off topic! You have to decide what is best for you. Make a list of pros and cons. And don't worry about what family thinks. They don't have to live with it everyday. If they did, they wouldn't likely be singing the same tune. And they'll get over it when it's done and move on, just like you will. Anyways, I wish you all the best and hope you can figure things out one way or the other.

slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/30/2007 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I know I haven't posted here in a while, but my computer "died" on me so I had to buy a new one.  I never did get to see that Oprah.  I wish I could have.  I tried to catch it the next day but it didn't happen again.  I appreciate all the advice I have received. 
 
So, my husband walked out the door this morning to go to work and as he was walking out he told me that I can start telling people that we are done.  He has been threatening me with divorce on and off for a little while now and telling me I should find my own place to live.  I knew it was coming, but I kind of always thought he was just saying it to get what he wanted and be able to control me with it. 
 
I just wanted to update everyone on my situation.  I think today I am going to start looking for my own place to live.  I really do not want to because I know it is going to be hard to afford it on my own.  I really do not want to live with other family members.  I want to prove that I CAN do this on my own. 
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