Maybe part of the problem is that you have depresion and this is creating tension in your Marriage. I know this may be a long shot b/c I do not suffer from Depression but I was in a relationship w/ a woman that I love dearly that did. I found myself caught up in emotions that I never felt before that almost killed me. From the "other side" please seek medical attention to try to make sense of exactly what you are experiencing. I've been reading this forum for months and I feel for those that have depression b/c even though I do not have it this is the most terrible disease I have ever seen someone have to live with. It cost me the most precious thing in my life and I will never be whole again as a result and this is small compared to what my Ex has to live with every day. Keep the Faith.
Welcome and believe me, I understand what you are saying.
I was married twice and divorced. My marriages were put through hell with my depression especially the 2nd one. Yes I will tell you that depression will destroy everything you have. Looking back now, it destroyed my second marriage and many of my friendships. In those relationships, I knew depression played a part in hurting what was important in my life but I didn't care about what was happening. If you read any of my posts to members like yourself, I know first hand how depression hurts others when you truly try to confine it to the small corners of your mind.
The advice I can give is this, if you think it is reaking havoc, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET IT UNDER CONTROL, do your part don't let the one you love carry more than they can, ALWAYS let them know that you are aware of what is going on and that you love them and need them.
My depression let to other things in my life that destroyed the one in my life. Depression will make you feel insecure and make you question what you have. You will do things in your life that will (in your depressions minds eye) be what you need to do to secure your safety and identity, after all with depression, you will are never good enough so therefore you must make sure at whatever cost you play into what depression says to do!!!! DONT DO THIS, BE TRUE TO THE PERSON THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE, IF THAT MEANS FEELING INSECURE DON'T DO THINGS TO MAKE YOUR INSECURITY A SAFETY NET, TALK TO SOMEONE about WHY YOU ARE FEELING THAT WAY. If they love you they will understand.
In other posts, I also advised that another great outlet is the chance to let this forum be a part of you and your partners life. It can be a healing but the only catch is their has to be a sincere honesty and want for you to be healthy and open with your depression no matter what!
You will be fine just know that I know first hand what happens when it reaks havoc, what is most important is it not only the sadness of depression that can hurt you it is depression in masks that make you feel unworthy, dont let that happen.
Take care and God bless you.
Have faith in your relationship and never give up the gift God gave you.
I do not think that the reason that my husband wants a divorce is because he wants to be free again. He said that if we get a divorce he wants to have the kids, which will not happen. When we split up the first time I took our oldest son and he got him every other weekend. Whenever he had him he always would get a babysitter so he could go out. I think that he is thinking that he has made a mistake and should not have married me. He has told me recently that when we got back together the first time it was because he thought that I was a changed person. We have been together since we were 16, which has been a long time. He didn't want me to have our first child. He wanted me to have an abortion, which I refused. He didn't have to stay with me, but he chose to. After we got married we had our 2nd child right after. Things were good for a bit and then they got worse.
I am pretty sure he does realize that most of his paycheck would go to us and I think that is why he is saying he wants a divorce but isn't going through with it. I think deep down he really wants it, but doesn't want to have to deal with everything afterwards. He has told me that if we do divorce he will quit his job and get a lower income job so that he doesn't have to pay me as much. Immature, I know.
I am feeling like I am a teenager again and dealing with a lot of juvenile things. I am so torn with what to do. One minute he tells me he loves me and then an hour later he is telling me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that he is not happy. I do not get him.
I am trying to prepare myself for if we do get a divorce, financial wise anyways. I know my kids will be crushed, but it might be the best for them. I am going to look into a counselor in the meantime and see if I can get things sorted out with myself. I have asked him about a week ago to go to marriage counseling and he says that he does not believe in that. So, I guess that won't work.
Thank you to all that replied. I am reading every post carefully and trying to get the most advice as I can from here. It is great to have some help and supporters.
My husbands father is a real treat as well. More and more lately I can see his dad in him, if you get what I mean. He is acting more and more like him every day. His mother and father divorced when he was young. It was not a good divorce. His father was abusive physically, mentally and emotionally to his mother. I do not want my marriage to end up like theirs did, but it is well on its way already. My husband is not physically abusive in any way at all. I want to be happy so bad. The way it is going right now I am not happy. We went out with a group of friends on Friday night. To the bar, which I know is not a good place to get your relationship better, but we thought that it would be fun to go out again since it has been so long. I now remember why we didn't go out together anymore. Every time we go out it ends up with us getting kicked out of the bar because he fights. He told me this morning that he doesn't even remember most of it. Not because he was drunk though, because he didn't drink that much. I told him that he could have just been the better man and walked away, but he said that that is not who he is. It makes me so mad that he has to fight whenever we go out. He just doesn't understand. He thinks it makes him look like the better man by kicking the crap out of somebody. I don't get it. I am tired of it.
Well since today is Mother's Day he told me that he would take me out for breakfast with the kids, which was really nice. Except since I didn't want to have sex this morning, because he was a dink to me all day yesterday, he decided that I was going to have to do everything by myself today. He didn't want to do anything with me because I wouldn't have sex. It is so frustrating.
Well, I think that is enough venting for today.
Alicia, TexJen took the words right out of my mouth. Control Freak....getting mad when you have plans, making comments about weight, etc. I'm all over these boards as I, like most folks have more than one diagnosis. Depression is one of them and your story stands out to me. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Sounds so familiar to me. I was dx'd many years ago and it has been the "scapegoat" for many of our problems. Now I see that many of those problems were in place long before I could put my finger on depression. Several years ago my hubby said and did the very same things and had an affair with my best friend. Soon after it all "hit the fan" he was dx'd with bi-polar disorder. So much for scapegoats. Now he had one of his very own to lean on. Long story short.....after much therapy, individual and together, we are still in the same house, both still addressing own individual needs with our docs, therapy as needed and psychs of our own.....his frustration with HIS shortcomings are just that...his. When someone is making you 100% responsible for his happiness, there's a problem. My hubby once made a comment about my weight and I told him that as soon as I lost it he'd have to move out since it was such an issue.
I'm taking your situation very seriously. I feel for you. I support you. Take care of yourself and your children. He might have to go find another brick wall to to beat his head on. Boo
Well..........last night my husband was on the computer for a LONG LONG time. This morning I went into the history (I know I shouldn't snoop, but I did). He was looking up divorce etc on the computer. Should I confront him about this or leave it alone? If he is that serious and is looking it up I figure that he is more than ready to go through with it. I know he has told me that he wanted a divorce before, but I didn't totally believe him that he was ready to get one.
It was a strange, strange weekend. He was a a&%hole to me Friday and Saturday and then Sunday he was nice and then Monday came around and he was back to his old self again. He told me that he just needs sex and then he will be nice to me again and will stop being an a&%hole, but to me that is not our problem. There is much more to it than just sex. This is getting so frustrating. I really wish we could just get along. I know everyone in my family will be mad at me if I get a divorce because they really like him and they don't want my kids to get hurt. My sister has told me time and time again when I speak to her about my situation that I should think about the kids and stay together with my husband because if I do not my kids will be devastated. What am I suppose to do? I am so confused. I wish it wasn't so complicated.
I hope you all had a good weekend.
PS Watch Oprah tomorrow at 4:00. She is having a tory about staing in abusive realtionships "for the kids" and what harm that can actually cause them.
Post Edited (sassyfrassy) : 5/22/2007 7:46:47 PM (GMT-6)