I am so happy that my mom was able to open up a line of communication that allows up how we feel about our moms. I am touched by how important other people think their mothers are. There are a lot of people that dont appreciate their moms like they should.
My mother called me today to tell me how much she enjoyed writing to this forum! She felt at home with everyone and has stated that she looks forward to writing on other topics, I guess you could say that we opened up a gateway now for my mother to have a place to go with her feelings and dark days.
When speaking with my mother she stated to me how proud she was of the progress I am making with my feelings and thoughts. She sent a the post I wrote about my children to my siblings along with that she sent them the post she wrote as well.
To my dismay, my siblings were extremely negative and pointed fingers instead of looking at the essence of the post, not necessarily the post itself. I learned that they accused my mother of loving me the most and that she was also responsible for the way I was catered to by my grandmother that is deceased. There are many issues surrounding that topic and along those lines, some of the personality disorders that accompany my depression actually were rooted in the "way" I was treated differently than the other grandchildren. I live with that everyday because of the actions I have done to hurt others. I lost my last relationship due to "the self preservance of what I wanted in my life without thinking of anyone else" and until today have tried to move above that and take responsibility for change in my life. I am devastated that my own blood would bring that too light at a time when I am trying to battle every aspect in my life!!!!!!!!
I have been estranged from some of my family over the past 6 months or so because of issues in my family. I guess the thing that hurts me the most is that they are not concerned with my wellbeing and happy that I have positive thought processes going on in my life but they are more concerned with tearing "our" mother down because she wrote what she did in her post.
I guess what I have always tried to express to my siblings is that my mother and I share a special bond because of the HIDEOUS MONSTER THAT LIVES IN OUR BRAINS NAMED DEPRESSION!!! How awful is that someone you love and share blood with would consider that a reason to say "I always knew you loved her more than me?!"
I am sad and dishearted and I told my mother that she needs not regret telling me because that is why what she and I have is so rare because we share what happens in our lives no matter what, good or bad. I even said to my mom right after my surgery in November when we were discussing depression and how it still drags her down that if I was going to be like her at her age I would rather be dead!!! Yes, I said that to my mother not because of trying to hurt her but that was the way I felt. She was hurt and we talked about the reason behind that statement. That is why we will and never will hide anything from each other no matter how bad it hurts because we both know that at times, we dont talk, the beast does.
I guess that I just expected more from my family. Maybe I expect more from alot of people, doesnt mean I will get it though, huh.
I do want to thank you guys for the uplifting feeling my mom has about this forum!
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".