Last night was the first night in many nights that I have actually thought about how hopeless I am feeling. For almost everynight since the begininning of February I have not been able to sleep without my sleeping pills. I am usually up until after midnight trying to find ways to sleep. Before I know it, it is around midnight or one am before I get to sleep. I usually am able to do this without too much negative thinking.
Last night was horrible for me! Everything that I have been feeling came rushing into my head. I will tell you that I don't know if I will ever be able to get over what I have lost. I am not dealing well with it at all and keep praying that everyday I am strong is the day I will have what I have lost. I know that this sounds sad but I am constantly looking out the window for "him" to pull up. I have downloaded songs that remind me of what I had and songs that if I could I would send to him to let him know how much I hurt. My life is so empty and sad without him in it. In my heart of hearts, I know that I will never be good enough again and that is killing me. I look at other men and feel "hatred" towards their so called compliments. They make me sick!!! There are millions of pretty women in the world, go try to "hit" on them! I remember something that was said to me that has never left me and is a lesson learned. It was this, "goodlooking women are a dime a dozen" and how true is that!!!!!!! so true that when I look at men I see them as nothing more than someone who wants the outside of what I am, well you know what, been there and done that but never, ever again!!!!!!! I guess that is what is so hard because the love that I had I will never have again. I know you guys are saying that I need to let people in because if I dont I will never have that love again.
To be honest with you, I dont care. I dont want to love like i did, I REFUSE!!!!! I cant let go of what I held so dear. I am having an extremely hard time understanding many of the faucets of what has happened in my life to the point where I feel nothing anymore. I MEAN NOTHING!!!!! NO JOY, NO HAPPINESS, I MEAN REAL HAPPINESS, NO CONTENTMENT AND MOSTLY NO HOPE OF EVER FEELING LIKE I DID! That is such a hopeless feeling to have. I now know what people say when they say they feel no emotion over things that should be emotional. I feel pain and sadness. The other night when I was looking at the stars, I actually felt as if this was my last night on earth, i would remember how beautiful the stars were and that I was alone.
I called my neuro doc today and left a message for his nurse to call me back. I begged in my message to please call me back asap as I needed to have my implant turned back on immediately because I was not doing well and was worried about how nights like last night would effect the next night I feel that bad. I am really scared guys, I am so alone and wish that I had at least one more chance to hold him and feel his arms, smell his skin, kiss his lips and look into his eyes and tell him that I was glad he was here at least fot this one moment!!!!!
As with anything in my life I have ruined, I dont look for anyone to allow me to rebuild any part of what I have destroyed. It is now 4pm and I called my doc this am at 830 and of course no phone call back. Why would they, I am just another number that they will get to when they have time.
"Each man hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light. Share your pain. Share your pain with me... and gain strength from the sharing."-- Sybock, Star Trek V The Final Frontier.
"In depression this faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent. The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come - not in a day, an hour, a month, or a minute. If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary; more pain will follow. It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul. So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs, shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying - or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity - but moving from pain to pain. One does not abandon, even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes."-- William Styron. (Darkness Visible).
May your day be filled with laughter and love.
Post Edited (Howlyncat) : 5/21/2007 11:10:25 AM (GMT-6)