Does anyone else here feel like their depression was a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, something you created on your own?
I was thinking about it the other day, trying to remember how I got like this, trying to remember a time before the depression. And I was always a shy, introverted kind of girl, never had many friends. But in elementary and middle school I remember I was happy enough, but by 8th or 9th grade, well, it was just all downhill from there.
I remember wanting to be like the “Goth” girls I knew in 8th grade summer camp. I remember beginning to listen to music like Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson, dressing in black, not talking to anyone and sitting around being mopey so as to keep up the image I was trying to go for I guess. People started to think I was weird, and then I made friends with the other “punk/raver/whatever” kids in 9th grade, my old good friends stopped hanging out with me, I started doing drugs, I started harming myself… I don’t really remember when that started, but I think I read about other people doing it so I tried it one day and it just got way out of hand, and now it’s just an addiction like everything else. I remember going on vacations with my family and sitting by myself, lonely and sad, reading a book while they all had a good time in the ocean… But I can’t really pinpoint an exact date. It seems like it just came on gradually, and then suddenly that’s who I had become.
It really seems like I’ve been depressed most of my life. But what terrifies me is that I may have caused it, brought it all on myself, and now it’s too late, now it’s too hard to fix it. You would think if it all started out as an act, an experiment, an elaborate ruse to make myself seem like I was “different”… I should just be able to snap out of it and go back to how I used to be, the “real me”. But the thing is, I’ve been this way for so long that I’ve forgotten how to be happy, I’ve forgotten how to be outgoing; this socially anxious, depressed mess of a girl IS the real me now. And faking being happy to the point where you really are is a lot more difficult then doing it the other way around, it seems.