down and confused....

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slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 5/24/2007 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I think my meds need adjusting or changing or something.  I don't see my doctor til next week and there's no way for me to get in before then because of my son's practice schedule for his musical next Wednesday.  So I'm just kind of there.  Hanging in.  I feel just completely down.  I have no motivation.   I feel like crying all the time.  I know some of it is the repercussions from the 3-4 weeks of hell we went through with finances and my son's own problems, and now that the steps have been taken to deal with that, I just feel flat.  Tired all the time.  It's like no matter what I want to do, there's this huge wall I have to break through, mental fog almost, to get to the point of even starting and that alone is so exhausting that getting anything done is near impossible.  And so I sit here at the computer, zoning out, not thinking, not doing anything.  I have about 5 more weeks off before I go back to work and I feel like I'm barely out of the starting gate as far as dealing with anything goes.  Those 3-4 weeks of hell were a set back where my focus and energies were elsewhere.  Yes, it did finally bring me to the breakdown that needed to come, but it wasn't enough.  And now I don't even know how to explain how I'm feeling.  Things are better with my husband.  We are communicating better.  He is helping around the house more.  Taking more responsibility.  But I just feel "dead" inside.  And I'm frustrated with myself as much as anything for not being able to get past this.  I'm thinking a medication adjustment should help, but it's waiting til I can get in to see my doctor that's hard.  I feel like time is slipping away...  And I also feel like I'm dwelling on the past too much.  I can't let go and I want to so badly but I don't know how.  Does that make sense?   I worry about everything I do cause I don't want to repeat the same mistakes.  I am anxious about everything.  And downright frustrated with life in general.  You sort of feel like life owes you something after all the crap, but the truth is, it doesn't owe you anything.  You have to get out and get it yourself.  But what if you can't?  What if circumstances beyond your control keep you from getting out there and doing what you need to do to get better?  I have spent the majority of my life looking after others.  I'm always concerned about the needs/wants of others.   And yet when it comes to me, it at times feels like no one is the least concerned about me.  I know it's wrong and I know it's the depression talking when I say that, cause just yesterday my friend called me up just to see how I was doing.  But that's one friend and I hate feeling like I'm burdening one person with too many cares when I know everybody has their issues to deal with.  Why are mine so special?  Why are mine any different?  And so the downward spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing continues....   I hate the fact that I need others or outside stimulus to make me happy.  Why can't I just be happy?  I have two beautiful kids.  I'm very lucky to have my husband.  And despite our issues, he is a wonderful person.  He doesn't beat me or belittle me, he's just not romantic and like many men, can be insensitive at times.   I know my depression clouds my judgment with regards to my marriage and my kids and my life in general.  And that's why I find myself questioning everything I say or do.  And questioning the actions or inactions of the people around me, wondering did I do something or not do something to cause that.   And sometimes it's just easier to lock myself up somewhere and not deal with it.  
 
Anyways, I just needed to vent/rant.  I'm sure many of you will relate and understand.  Depression is a disease that destroys you and the people around you.  It takes a lot of understanding and compassion to live with us, and when we at times can't live with ourselves, it's hard to even ask others to do it.  But I see my doctor next week and I'm going to push for a drug change/adjustment and see where that goes.  Thanks for listening.
 
slowlygoingcrazy

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


pinkbutterfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 5/24/2007 9:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there slowlygoingcrazy,
I have heard your heart and I feel your emotions and I'm extremely sorry that you are going thru this difficult time... Hang in there ok? What you have said, I have also felt (almost word for word!) and it will get better ok? Stay focused on the fact that you will see your doctor next week - that's something to look forward too. And yes, having an adjustment in your meds may be just what you need.

Another suggestion may be to just take in a couple of very deep breaths - to get that blood and oxygen to really flow to all the vital areas including the brain. I know with me, I'll find myself just barely breathing - almost like holding my breath.

Please know that you are heard here and have our support. I wish you well. Please keep us informed, ok.

Pink
Pinkbutterfly
 
Severe Depression/Social Anxiety/Panic attacks
"Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside"


jordaNZone
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 752
   Posted 5/26/2007 2:54 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there slowlygoingcrazy..Pink said it all really..fantastic reply :-)

You have written a great post...I can tell you know exactly what is going on with you just now..as well as an adjustment in meds how about considering a dose of counselling - just to get you thinking straight and brush up on some skills to help you through this rough patch.

Maree


Forum Moderator - Depression
Forum Moderator - Anxiety-Panic Disorders
 
 
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. 
*
May your troubles be less,
and your blessings be more..
And nothing but happiness come thru your door :))

May your day be filled with laughter and love.

***

 


 


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 5/26/2007 11:16 AM (GMT -7)   
I am actually doing some counselling. I've had two sessions. But the mental fog is keeping me from moving as much forward as I would like right now. The med adjustment will hopefully help. Less than a week til my appointment now. Thanks.

slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 5/28/2007 4:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sitting here, still at the computer, unable to drag myself away cause the thought of doing anything is so overwhelming right now. My doctor's appointment can't come soon enough! But my kids need to eat something other than crackers! I just so don't want to make anything. I wish I wasn't alone so much with the kids. I wish I had more energy for them. And I'm clenching something fierce these days so my pain levels are up again. I feel constantly like there's a TMJ headache lurking there but it doesn't seem to be actually turning into one - thank God! My shoulders are so tense it's unreal. I am just so tired of all this crap. I want it to all go away. I hate sitting here at the computer and yet it's all I do all day cause I just don't have the energy to get anything started. I will actually go without eating just because I don't feel like making anything. I'll be starving and still it won't motivate me to do anything except grab a granola bar. I hate this. I feel like the weight of the world is quite literally on my shoulders and there's no way in he** I can lift it. I forget everything I'm supposed to do. The idea of making a phone call to anyone makes me extremely anxious. The smallest little negative thing happens and I just start feeling this crazy, fluttering feeling in my stomach. It's just one more thing to deal with and I don't want to deal with the crap I already have to deal with. Anyways, I hope my kids go to bed well tonight. And I'm anxious but looking forward to the hockey game... I so hope Ottawa wins!!!! Anyways, I just needed to get this off my chest. Sometimes this helps get me moving cause it releases some of the negativity that keeps me planted to this chair. Thanks for listening.

slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....

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