the black hole

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Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2005
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 5/25/2007 4:03 AM (GMT -6)   
HI everyone, I am very good at putting on my pretty happy face. Everyone at work admires me for my happiness that i bring to work.  The truth is I am hiding from so much pain.  The cause of the pain? I have no Idea. I have two beautiful daughters a great boyfreind who supports me I can be my true self around him. I feel most days like driving to the er and checking myself into the mental insution until I can figure out why i am dealing with so much pain and depression.  This has been going on for years and I feel like it has finally reached its breaking point and that truly truly scares me because I do not trust ME!!  I know poor poor me. There are so many people worse ofF how dare I feel this way.  I feel quilt about feeling sad. My mind is a whirl wind going a million miles an hour.  I ALSO suffer from panic and anxiety attack which I also am a wonderful at hiding from my family.  Until about three months ago when my boyfriend found the strength to go to treatment, I found the strength to share a small part of me, not all of me but just that i suffer badly from anxiety and take medication for it. Sharing the  rest will come with time.  I do not know how to dig myself out of this hole I am in.  I find myself making excuses not to go to work, I am going to end up losing my job. I love my job, my job is taking care of people and making them feel better lol.  But yet I can not heal myself, i ponder on that one daily. 
I see my doctor every two weeks to make sure my meds are ok.
I see my psych. everyother week, which we are going to switch to every week.
I go to al-anon groups in support of myself and my boyfriends addiction(past addiction)
should I seek inpaitent, I called and it would be 6-10 days of entense therapy and med management?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/25/2007 6:33 AM (GMT -6)   
You could have been writing about me 4 years ago. Man,was I a mess.
It sounds like you are doing everything you can to heal,for some reason you are in a hole,and need to find a way out of it.(duh right?)
If you think that you need inpatient,then by all means do it.
You are the only one that knows where you stand right now,and what might help.

Stay strong and please keep us posted.

Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 5/26/2007 1:59 PM (GMT -6)   
sad  I know exactly what you are dealing with.  I have lived my life mostly with the face of "normalcy" and how found that although it made everyone around me comfortable, it made me comfortably numb!!!!  In fact there are still very few people that I have taken this mask off for.  Needless to say most of them were in my life for a short period of time and found that I could not offer them a 50/50 relationship because of my depression(male and female relationships) they did want to be part of my life.  In time, it hardened me and actually made me realize that I could only be accepted when I was not a burden to anyone.
I know have a face of anger and numbness.  I have lost some of the most valuable things to depression and depression related actions.  I have decided to be what I am.  However this person is a person that doesnt care if you want to be part of my life or not.
I did see that you have a relationship that you can be true to yourself and that he is accepting of this.  First I want to say that I consider that is a devine gift from God because there are few good men out there that indeed look further into a person's soul than what she offers either mentally, physically or materially.  I am one that in my opinion offers little or nothing to a man.  Having said that, I want to say that having a person in your life that can look at your with pure unconditional love is worth more than gold.  I had this and wish to offer you something.  Remember that this person no matter how wonderful he is,,,,he is human and does have a breaking point.  Sometimes we forget that although there is so much strength in that person's ability, that they are too flesh and blood.  I will say that I admire that fact that you are in touch with your depression and are getting help that is the first and most important step!!!!  Some people dont have that and depend solely on the person that is there for them.  In cases such as yours and mine, I learned that taking care of the person that is taking care of you is so very important.  If your guy is as supportive as he sounds, it will overshadow your ability to understand that if he gives you his all, he eventually has nothing.  I implore you to allow him to be your rock but when you start seeing this rock starting to chip from wear and tear, it is important to know that depression is starting to take part of him as well.  He will deny this up and down, trust me I know.  I am not sure what the solution is to this because I tried to be strong and not let him carry the whole load and yet is still took a part of my guy that he will never have.  I can say this, you knowing this, maybe your counselor could shed some light on what you could do when this happens.
Stay strong and know that prayers are being said for all of our "rocks" that have taken the high road in loving someone with depression.
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

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