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#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/25/2007 5:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone.
 
As i said, I am new here and wanted to introduce myself first.
 
My name is #Angel#.
 
I am 30yrs old and am a single mother of two children.
I have suffered with depression on and off for quite a lot of years, but never really sought help for it.  Until about 1 1/2 years ago.  Last summer i was diagnosed with major depression and have been battling with it ever since.
I am up and down alot of the time, a bit like a rollercoaster.  But when i am down, it is severe.
I have just recently started therapy (CBT) and it is the hardest thing i have ever done.  I have trouble talking about my feelings to people and face to face is so hard.
 
I have so much that i would like to say but i am going to pace myself or i will get overcome with emotions and will be a emotional mess again.
I will come back later and chat when i have a bit more time.
 
I look forward to getting to know you.
 
Thanks

pinkbutterfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 5/25/2007 8:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angel,
I want to welcome you to this forum.  yeah   am somewhat new myself and enjoy being apart of this "community". Hopefully you'll find that you are not alone in your struggle... I have certainly been where you are now - I understand. Hang in there and hopefully you'll find some extra support and understanding here.
Please keep us posted - let us know how you're doing.
 
Pink
Pinkbutterfly
 
Severe Depression/Social Anxiety/Panic attacks
"Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside"


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/25/2007 2:07 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks pink.

I am taking anti d's, i am on 60mg a day of cymbalta. I take them in the morning. I dont get any side affects with them and they keep me on a level were i can carry on.
I did try other meds in the past but the side affects were unbearable. I feel comftorable on these.

I have a 12 yr old son who has adhd and aspergers syndrome. He can be very hard work, and physically abusive to me at times. And my daughter is just a typical little madam.
I do struggle at times and they add to my depression.

In the past month couple of months i have been struggling with therapy as i dont like talking to people about my feelings. My therapist is trying to get me to see things in a different way etc is and it is really bringing me down. It is too hard to explain.
i have been feeling really low and have been getting negative, impulsive thoughts going through my head.

I just cant stop crying and i feel really pathetic.

I have really had enough of fighting this depression. I think to myself that i should give up the therapy as i dont seem to be seeing a great improvement.
I feel useless and dont think i am worth helping. I am ashamed to talk to people about my feelings and i generally hide the way i am feeling.

i just want to give up. I cant get through this , i dont feel strong enough.


#Angel#

bdr1
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 121
   Posted 5/25/2007 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angel --- Welcome! This is a fantastic place where we covet the anonymity of the internet and try to offer help where we can.

Can I ask you ---- you mentioned that you are always kind of like a rollercoaster and "up and down" -- can you elaborate on this?

#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/25/2007 2:57 PM (GMT -7)   
My moods are up and down.

I mean sometimes i feel really low and can be in tears all the time and sometimes i can be just getting by. abut now and then i have had times when i am feeling well i suppose happy.

I have to keep going because of my kids.

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/26/2007 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angel
welcome to the forum,I am very glad that you found us. It is a great site,and so many great people with HUGE hearts.
I am sure you will find the support you are looking for



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 5/26/2007 10:02 AM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Welcome to the forum~
Im Teresa and I have been a single mom most of my adult life.  I have three beautiful children and I have lived with clinical major recurrent depression for over 20 years.  Several years ago my diagnosis gained momentum and a new diagnosis was given.  I now have treatment resistant depression which is the "granddaddy" of major depression.  To have this depression is like living in a well that keeps taking on water.  Some times there are sprinkles but mostly downpours.  You keep looking up towards the opening of the well waiting for another rainstorm or rope intended for your rescue.  With my depression the rope has been thrown a couple times but I have lost grip and fallen back down the hole.
 
I welcome you to a forum where you can look forward to being able to feel validated in whatever you are going through on a certain day.  The advice I would give you is never apologize for the amount of typing you do or the insecurity of a thought, that is what this is for.  Never for a moment ever think that what you have to say is not important enough to bring here, it is!
 
Again welcome and be assured you are in the right place.
Teresa
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/26/2007 10:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi and thanks for all the kind replies.
 
I do feel ashamed at times to either post or tell people how i really feel as i feel all i seem to do is go on about my problems and how bad i am feeling.
 
At the moment i am feeling really depresssed and i just want to curl up and never wake up.
I am feeling really impulsive and just want to cry.
 
I have my children to look after at the moment and i just dont want to be here.  I am in therapy and am struggling badly with my feelings.
I feel like i am going backwards and i cant cope with it.
 
I really dont like myself and just dont want to be here.
 
I am taking anti d's but at this moment it seems like i am taking nothing as its not making much difference.  I feel like i am not worth helping, not worth anything.
 
I have a social worker and have had her for about 9 / 10 months, she has helped me alot and been there for me when i have needed to talk.  But now i dont really see her as i am having therapy.  It took me a long time to get the courage to talk to her and now i have to try and talk with someone else.
 
I am failing, failing at everything.
 
 

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 5/26/2007 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  Angel~
Please know that you are important and that it is God's will that you have found this forum.  That is first and foremost. I know that for most people with depression, the depths of despair are sometimes easly taken for granted.  I want you to know that I for one care about what you are going through.  It is so difficult to take care of everyone else when you feel like this that you want to curl up and go to sleep, BELIEVE ME IF ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THIS, IT IS ME!!!!  Anyone on this site can attest to that, I have days of utter hopelessness and days of wondering what I do here but" suck air".
I first want to say that if you are that depressed and need help with feelings of "urgency" email me and I will supply you with some of the helpful sites that have been a resource for me.  It is important that you reach out for resources like this and privately contact our mods as they can help you as well.  I want to say that we all have been and maybe still are right where you are so we feel your pain.  I want to share something with you because it is something that has opened my eyes.  I at one time felt that this was the place to verbalize my feelings of "urgency".  I was upset to find that I could not be forthcoming with statements about "hurting myself or others" on this forum.  I was furious!!!!! I actually thought to myself that the very people that welcomed me here were turning their backs on me, how dare they do that?
 
Angel, I found out that the reasons for this is because at a time prior to this on a depression site where people cared and related to each other such as this forum,a person made statements on that particular site and actually went through with it.  Needless to say, the people on that forum were devastated!!  Some of them even took on the burden that "if they would have only listened" that person would still be here.  The reason I am telling you this is because I am worried about you and your depression.  I remember when I stumbled upon this forum I was so depressed that I just wanted someone to help me, I guess to hear me.  In my depression I took what was relayed to me in a negative way, when they were hearing me and trying to get me to understand that as much as we want to help we can only do it with words, sometimes that is the hardest, stale piece of bread to swallow.  Please know that Elisha, our forum mod would be more than willing to give you resources if you are so devastated that you see no light in the dark.
 
Please know that I as well as any person on this site is here because we have or are going through similiar things as you.  It would be wrong to say "we know what it is like" because we really dont however we do have a very good idea and want you to know that we have gained a piece of mind knowing that this is a sanctuary in this crazy world.
 
Please email me if you need to,,,,,,,I mean it!!!!!
God Bless You!!!!


Teresa
"Faith is knowing you're in control
when your life is falling apart,
Faith is in that quiet assurance
I feel deep within my heart".

Post Edited (faithfully4you) : 5/26/2007 12:39:47 PM (GMT-6)


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 5/26/2007 11:33 AM (GMT -7)   
NO hun you are not
You are doing CBT....I do mine online it works for me better that way
YOU have reached out and that is the first step....
You have told us some of your situation second step
You keep coming back third step

You have found new ppl and friends here that dont MIND AT ALL you coming abd venting
Thats what this is about
A lil extended family all

IMHO

YOU have come far........dont count your mistakes or what you dont have sweetie
count your blessing ( 2 kids) and your steps taken to get better should be recognized by you
They are by us

You can come to Anxiety /Panic forum as well if you need it

This is a great group pf ppl here with caring and very loving ways

STAY WITH US..........LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Co Mod ..Crohns Forum
Co Mod A/P Forum
Moderator ....Alzheimers Forum 
 
Dx with Crohns ,pyoderma gangrenosum ,Anxiety and panic
 Way to many meds to put down ..........
 
                   ONE step..Leads to MORE 
                       
 God Bless
   LYN                               
                          
                                  


pinkbutterfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 5/26/2007 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Angel, if I could - I would reach out and give you a GREAT BIG HUG right now.
I would tell you that you are a good person and that you are worth it - and most importantly you are NOT a failure... none of us here are. Have we felt like we've failed in some areas in our life? Of course, please remember no one is perfect.... not even those that pretend so hard to make us think they are. Ha! I think we've probably met people like that, huh???

Keep in touch with us, we care, and we understand...
I'll be thinking and praying for you.

Pink
Pinkbutterfly
 
Severe Depression/Social Anxiety/Panic attacks
"Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside"


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 5/26/2007 1:06 PM (GMT -7)   
:-)  I couldnt have said it better myself, Pink!
Angel, big hugs to you!!!!!
 
Teresa
" If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.”
Unknown


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/26/2007 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I know that no one is perfect, and i am far from it.  But i have been trying so hard battling this depression and i felt like i was doing well.  But i am sliding back down again.
 
I feel ashamed to tell people (social worker and therapist).  I feel it should not be happening.
I feel i am failing them and i think that if they realise that i am sliding back down they will give up on me. But i think its what i deserve.
 
I am taking anti depressants aswell, which should help prevent the depression getting worse again.
 
I have been struggling on and i am thinking what is the point?
The world will be a better place without me.  I cant live with it.  mad

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 5/26/2007 2:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there Angel,
 
Im really sorry to hear that you are struggling at the moment. I think you are really brave taking that step to join us and I'm sure you will find a lot of support here. I am sure your social worker & therapist don't think you are failing them. If they did, im sure they would tell you to your face. The fact that you are prepared to try and face your depression is a success in itself as well as your continuing progress. Everyone has slips when they are trying to achieve something. But you have to find the strength from within to pick yourself up each time you fall. When you get through this, you will be a much stronger person.
 
My advice: Take each day as it comes but dont expect every day to be a good one.  
 
Warmest Wishes
 
Darren
 
P.S If you need or want to, feel free to drop me an email using the envelope icon on the left.
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/26/2007 10:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi dj and thanks for your reply.

I just feel like i am never going to get throught this, it is a living hell.

I am a failure. I cant carry on this struggle.

I feel like everyone has had enough of me, i know i have had enough of myself.

I am crumbling inside and i dont feel strong enough to pick myself up this time.

I am sorry to go on.

#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/27/2007 8:05 AM (GMT -7)   

Well today is no better than any other day.

I feel really impulsive.  I am really beginning to think that i should just get it over and done.  But i love my kids and they would have no one.

I feel stuck. i am a complete failure, a nobody.     mad

Angel, I'm sorry but I have edited your post here due to forum rule #1 no discussion of self harm intended or threatened.  I have left some hotline links for you below please do contact someone.

Post Edited By Moderator (els) : 5/27/2007 4:26:27 PM (GMT-6)


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 5/27/2007 8:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angel,
 
Have you tried making a list of all the things you have achieved? I know it helps some people. You can include anything that you have achieved. From educational achievements (Paper Qualifications) to passing your driving test. Perhaps have raised / are raising children? This can be an achievement. When you sit and think about it really hard, you will find that there are many more things you have acheieved than you think. You certainly dont sound like a failure to me. You sound more like someone who is bright and intelligent who has got a bit stuck. There is nothing wrong with getting stuck and asking for help / support. That is why we are here. Nobody gets critisised for "going on" since we actively encourage people to talk.
 
Warm Wishes
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 5/27/2007 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
I can actually relate to your situation quite well.  I too am a mom of two kids, a girl and a boy.  My son is ADD with H tendencies and has become increasingly more difficult to deal in the last couple of months.  He's begun stealing and lying on a more regular basis and none of our attempts at stopping him seem to be working.  My daughter is an angel.  It's not that she never gives me a hard time, but they are much easier to deal with.  I am not a single mom but my husband works shift work and is often gone so at times I feel like a single mom.   And I was a mom at 19.  Here I am now at 30 and I still don't have anything but highschool.  I have done nothing with my life it feels at times, except attempt to raise children and look after others.   Whenever it was supposed to be my turn to follow my dreams, there has always been a reason not to.  Right now it's finances.   So I completely understand feeling like there's absolutely nothing for you in this world and that your problems are too much to deal with, but at the same time they are also not worthy enough of the attention of others.   Finding the "right" person to talk to where you're comfortable enough is tough.  I don't have a lot of friends myself and I often feel like I lean on the same ones over and over and I feel like a total burden at times.  But my kids keep me going.  I can't devastate their lives more than I already have (particularly in my son's case) by taking the easy way out.   I have to stand and keeping fighting for them.  As for your statement the anti-depressants should prevent you from slipping, that's not true.  You may not be on the right one.  You may need a dosage adjustment.  This is all completely normal.   If one anti-depressant worked for everybody there wouldn't be so many different ones out there!!!  It's a guessing game.  It's trial and error.  It's a tough road.  I'm on it too.  I was on Effexor XR for almost three years.  My dosage was increased twice to 225mg and my doctor didn't want me to go any higher so I ended up going on sick leave in February, weaning off the Effexor XR and trying something new.  I'm on the lowest dose of Wellbutrin.  It at first seemed to be working but now it doesn't seem to be.  And I go back to work in 5 weeks.   I'm terrified at the prospect of dealing with the constant stressors of work again, particularly without a working drug regime in place, but I don't have a choice.  We can't survive financially without my income.  So I understand how it feels like the whole world is against you and nothing you do seems or feels right.  You don't give yourself credit for anything and yet you blame yourself very easily, and never forgive yourself your short comings, even if many of those short comings are just a product of being human....  As depressed people, we tend to be very hard on ourselves.  Harder than the world can ever be on us.  We often don't need the world to push us down, because we do a very good job of doing it to ourselves...  It's all a part of the vicious cycle of depression, particularly the lowest spots because reason has no place in those low spots.  Everything runs on emotions.   People try to introduce reason in an attempt to help us, but our brains are so wired that little comes through to us.   All we know is what we feel and it feels crumby and horrible to be alive.   But the important thing is that we find ways to recognize this and seek help.  I know that I am this way right now, but I know that a drug adjustment might do the trick to help me bounce back.  Drugs are not the perfect solution.  At times they are little more than bandaids.   Somehow, we have to find the strength in ourselves to grab onto even the most minute ray of light and find our way back enough to say, I need help.  If your doctors have any understanding of depression, what you may perceive as "I am totally alone in my suffering", they've probably seen a million times and if you can find a way to trust them, they can probably find a way to help you, whether it be a different kind of therapy or a different kind of drug.  Most of us on this website, will probably live with some level of depression all our lives.  And it's being willing to adjust and try something new and to keep working and fighting for us, for our kids, for whatever reason we can latch onto at that particular moment.  I encourage you to go to your doctors and be as honest as possible about your feelings.  If they think the therapy is working, than they won't make any changes to it.  If they know it's not working, they can adjust things for you.   But it's all about being honest with yourself and with your health care providers.  They can't help you if they don't really know what's going on.  Does that make sense?  I understand from your posts that you have a hard time opening up and sharing, and that is not unusual.  But in the same way you are going on living for your kids, you need to get yourself healthy for your kids and part of getting healthy is being honest with your health care providers so they can really help you.  If it would be easier, write it down and take it to your doctor(s) for them to read.  Anyways, I've rambled enough but in reading your posts I saw so many parallels between your world and mine, I wanted to try to offer you some encouragement, some understanding and some advice.  I hope you can take something from this. 
slowlygoingcrazy

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/27/2007 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the replies.
 
wow things are quite simular between us.  I had children at the age of 17 and i am not working and have not really had a proper job since before i had children.  I have done the odd few things.
But i have been through so much with my son, and this depression adds to it. It would be impossible to work.
 
I am always honest with my MHT.  Well i let them know some of what i am feeling but cant seem to tell them the whole story.  I am ashamed they will say there is nothing else they can do for me.
 
I have had a few changes of meds but i have had bad side effects and went back to the one that did not give me side effects and was working to start of with but then i seemed to take a dip.  But my moods have been very erratic and i think thats something i think will always be. (i am currently on cymbalta 60mg)
 
The CBT is to try and teach me different ways of coping in these situations.
I am going to leave it there for now, i am so tired.  Its been a long day.
 
Catch up with you soon xx
 
 

pinkbutterfly
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 5/27/2007 2:51 PM (GMT -7)   
What an absolute awesome reply "slowlygoingcrazy'.
 
Angel, after reading the above posts again, I realized that there was a common thread- something you kept saying is you are ashamed to tell your doctor that you have slipped again and that you don't want them to think that you are a failure...and that you think they are all sick of you.... well, I want you to know that I understand those comments - oh so well! From my own experiences I have placed other's opinions of me (or what I thought those opinions were) above my own. I've allowed others opinions to actually define who I was... I have spent most of my life trying to gain approval from others that I lost all sense of who I was. (Actually, for a very long time - I didn't know who I was...) I may be wrong - but I sense some of these same issues with you??? Do you tend to take on what other's believe you to be? Do you have an urgency to please people and have others think well of you? If so, then Angel - I understand so much about where you are coming from.
 
Something I have to do now is keep telling myself what I know is true. Like:
  • I am a woman,
  • I have a good heart inside,
  • I have children who love me unconditionally,
  • I love my children with all that I have,
  • I may be ill right now - but, I am not a bad person.
  • I may not be 100% right now - but I'm not a failure.
  • I am doing what's right - I am seeking help because I am worth getting better - for me, for my kids...etc...
  • Not seeking any help is no benefit to anyone, especially me and my kids.
  • I will respect myself more because I got the help I needed, no matter what anyone else thinks.
  • If today did not go well, remember: Tomorrow is a new day, and a new beginning. Have hope...
  • etc...

  This is just an example of some things I would write down and then say to myself. So no matter how bad my emotions would get i could focus on what is "true". Taking tiny baby steps is HUGE! Even if you start with one line, you accomplished something for the day. If it's just hugging your children and telling them you love them, if it's just brushing your teeth or taking a shower - it's accomplishing something for the day.

Oh, how I wish for you to see that there is such value in you. Great value. A value that is worth seeing and feeling... please don't forget that. We're all here for you - we're all on this journey together.

Next month I may be down (i pray that I'm not...). And because you've been there, who could be of more help to me than you my friend?  Precious Angel, the pain that we all go through, and that you are going through now - is not for "nothing". We have to look at it like "someday, I'm going to be able to help someone who's suffering". You see, we all need each other in this scary and often-times lonely life.

I hope some of this has made some sense to you or anyone else that needs it. I think just writing it down, has helped me.

We want to hear from you Angel. Take care.

Pink


Pinkbutterfly
 
Severe Depression/Social Anxiety/Panic attacks
"Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside"


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/27/2007 3:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Angel,  Have you ever heard in regards to depression....sometimes you have to fall back a little inorder to keep moving forward?  Most of the time this couldnt be more true, we all have set backs and they suck in the biggest way.  It is so very important for you not to give up on yourself and your kids.

I worked in mental health for many years and I would be very surprised if your caseworker and thearpist were disappointed in you for having these problems now.  They may be disappointed if you dont tell them your having problems as this is what I am sure they expect from you and want you to do in order to assist them in your plan of care.  Please do know that no one is going to blame you for being sick and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  This is a chemical imbalance your dealing with which is not something you can control.

I understand it is difficult to lay all your thoughts and feelings down to your thearpist.  I have some problems in this area myself.  However, I have to wonder if perhaps since you have stated you dont say much to them and you have always had erratic behavior if maybe the doc's have misdiagnosed you in someway.  This does happen quite often and really the person who ends up paying for it is the patient as they dont end up with the correct medication to help their disorder.  Plus, there are some mood disorders for which CBT is not going to be effective and can actually be even more harmful.  So, to make a long road a little shorter...you might give this some thought and see if you can come up with some ways of communicating with your thearpist in which you do feel comfortable.  It is very important.

I am going to hope and pray that you can make it through the long weekend here until you can contact your caseworker or thearpist regarding these issues.  But in the mean time I am going to leave you some links here just incase you feel you may need them.  I really hope that you dont.  Take care and keep posting

http://spsfv.org/hotlines.htm

http://suicide.com/suicidecrisiscenter/

http://suicidehotlines.com/

http://suicidehotlines.com/

 


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/27/2007 11:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Thanks for your replies, you are all so supportive.  I am so glad to be here.

Pink, you are so right, i mean you described me so well. 

Els thanks for your advice, it is worth thinking about

I have always had problems talking with people about how i am feeling and i have coped on my own for years.  This time last year i just exploded, i could not do it anymore and that is when i knew i needed extra help.

My GP referred me to the MHT and had my meds reviewed and was given a social worker.  A lovely lady, but i was finding it hard to talk to her and it took me a while to be able to tell her about my feelings.

Eventually i learnt to trust her and we would talk about anything and everything.  Even when i was feeling really impulsive and having suicidal thoughts she was there on the end of the phone to try and help me.  In January this year she thought i was ready to do therapy and so i started CBT. I was beginning to feel just that bit better.

I would sit there with my therapist and say nothing, because i couldnt.  I mean i didnt know who he was.  Even now i am still finding it hard to talk to him.  I right alot of things down but he says it is all jumbled and so we are working on trying to meake my writing a bit more structured.  It is extremly hard.

Since starting therapy I have gone right down hill again and i feel i should be improvong not getting worse.  I know the saying is things get worse before they get better but i feel stuck.  Feel things are to hard, like i dont know how to get out of this.

I am not allowed to talk to my social worker about my feelings anymore as my therapist thinks it will get in the way of my therapy with him.  But i am still struggling with him.

I have no self esteem (or very little)I am still trying to hide alot of the way i am feeling, just to get me throught every day.  In between therapy there is no one and althugh i can phone my therapist i can never get in touch with him as he is always busy and hardly ever gets back to me.

I havew been told by him to use the helplines but i cant seem to as they dont know anything about me and my situation and they ask things like do you know why you are feeling like this etc and i cant keep explaining it all.

Also i do find it hard to talk with people, even over the phone.

See i am just useless and pathetic.  I cant even talk to people about how i am feeling.

 

Thanks for reading this.....


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/28/2007 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Angel,  I agree that you may need to get a new thearpist.  If you have a good relationship with your caseworker please do talk with them about the troubles you have discribed here and see if you can change to someone else.

I have been in counseling for several years and know that sometimes you do end up with a thearpist that you may not be suited with.  This isnt your fault but, if it isnt working out and your not seeing any benefit from it then what is the point to it?  Differant counselors/thearpists have many differant approaches and if this one your seeing now your not comfortable talking to then it is time to ask for a change.  Please know these people these are working for you, to help you.  This is what the system is built upon...use it to your advantage.

 


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 5/28/2007 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I do like my therapist, he is really nice and it is strange as i can never normally talk or sit in a room with a man, talking about myself.  But i can with the one i have now.
I just have a problem talking about myself to anyone.
I am beginning to see that i am hard work, and that i am probably too hard work for anyone to help or understand even i cant understand myself.
 
I know i am probably talking rubbish at the moment.  i just dont know what to do.  I suppose my main problem is coping in between therapy sessions and then still not being able to express myself when in therapy.
 
And what if this depression never goes?  I just dont know anymore.
 
Thanks

els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 5/29/2007 12:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi angel,  i dont think the depression ever goes away either.  I have had it for a long time and know I will need medication for the rest of my life most likely.  Situational depression can go away but Major depression and other types I dont believe people are really ever able to over come them.

Yeah it sometimes is hard to cope between thearpy sessions but we always find a way until the next one dont we?  I was thinking that you said your thearpist said your writing was very structured and that your working on that...right?  It seems pretty structured to me.  was there specific things he wanted you to write on?  You dont have to say here, I was just wondering.  Perhaps if you wanted too you could print out some of your posts here for your thearpist...or you could just leave this site private for just you.  Just an idea...

You always have this site and all of us to help when you need it, we are always here :-)

Have a wonderful day


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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