Continued - - My depression has torn my marriage apart

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alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/30/2007 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I tried posting on my other post, but it didn't seem to work.
 
I haven't been posting in a while because my computer "died" and I had to buy a new one.
 
Well.....this morning my husband, as he was walking out the door to go to work, said to me that I should start telling everybody that we are done.  He has threatened me with divorce off and on for a little while now.  He has also told me to find my own place to live in the recent past. 
 
I just wanted to update you.  I appreciate all the posts and advice I have got from everyone. Today, I am spending most of my day looking for a new place to live. 
 
Later

alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 5/30/2007 3:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Oops, I guess I posted twice.

CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 5/30/2007 5:19 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey alicia54321,
 
Hold on a minute.  Don't go anywhere!!!  You said that you feel your depression is the reason your husband wants to divorce you.  By his actions, just "dropping the bomb" on the way out the door, says that he is selfish and uncaring.  You do need to be away from this jerk.  He's probably at the root of your depression in a lot of ways.  You don't deserve to be treated this way.
 
However,  if he wants the divorce, then let him leave.  Don't you budge an inch.  If you leave, it will look like you are ending the marriage instead of your husband.  If you leave, you are giving up a lot of leverage.  Your husband doesn't deserve to live in your home.  Stand your ground and tell him that you aren't going anywhere.  If he wants to be away from you, then he can leave.  He can't force you out.  If he gets ugly about it,  call the police, then get a restraining order.  If he leaves, it will be considered "abandonment", a very good thing to have on your side.  Also, call and have an initial consultation with every good divorce lawyer in town, as fast as you can.  That way, your husband can't hire any of them, because they have already consulted with you.  Pick whichever one you like, but get the others tied up so your husband can't use any of them.  You have to be willing to fight dirty.
 
Document as much as his bad behavior as you can.  If he has a home computer, hire a computer person to make a copy of the whole harddrive if you can.  When I was going through my divorce, I found a ton of derrogatory documentation on our computer.  He didn't know I knew how to get to his files, emails, instant messaging and so forth.  I checked any unfamiliar phone numbers on his cell phone bill.  I ended talking to strange women, who had no idea my husband wasn't single.  I set them straight.  I was able to document a lot of his cheating with other women.  I called a pow-wow with both our sets of parents and showed them my documentation.  Then I kicked him to the curb, with their support.
 
Granted, I was suffering from major depression, and was recouperating from a gastric bypass, but I wasn't going to cave in and let him get the upper hand.  I was determined to channel my pain into contructive action.  You can do this too.
 
I hope I haven't put you off by my ramblings.  Please let us know how you are doing.
 
Leigh Ann cool

Basic info:
  • On Disablility for: Chronic Migraines, serious Back and Knee problems (will need surgery eventually), moderate Depression, Anxiety/Panic disorder, TMJ 
  • Divorced, 42, no children
  • Surgeries: Gastric Bypass, Gallbladder Removed (followed by a week in the hospital for a Blood Clot), Kidney Stone Removed, Broken Ankle, Major Dental work(four molars pulled, multiple cavities, root canals) 
  • Current Meds: Lexapro, Klonopin, Wellbutrin, Migranol, Trazadone, Buspar, Nexium, Skelaxin, Diclofenac, Tramadol, Phenergan, Chantix
 
"The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful."
                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 5/31/2007 4:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia
I agree with Leigh Ann,.that was selfish and uncaring so, it is time to figure out your future.
Are you able to lean on your family? Just until you get on your feet?
Does he not understand that he is going to be paying you after you leave? If not it won't take long for him to get a clue.
I think it is time to get a lawyer,that would be the very first thing...if you are unable to afford one go to legal aid.
Please please keep us posted I am very worried about you.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 6/7/2007 8:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Ok, so just another update on how things are going........

My husband 2 nights ago told me that he thought about how he was and was going to support me.  Well....that lasted a whole night.  I knew it wouldn't last.  He was really good for the night and was really caring and tried to understand what I was going through.  The next day he was back to his old self again.  Telling me that I had to change fast because the way I am is making him want to leave the marriage.  I am so fed up with this.  I am tired of it and at this point I want out to the marriage as well.  I really wish he could understand and be there for me.  I have not looked for places to live because I thought things would change for the better.  I was way wrong, I guess. 

Well.....that is all that is new with my situation.  I wish I had better news and could tell you that things were starting to get better. 

 


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 6/7/2007 11:10 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm with Cranky, you don't need this guy. He is using emotional blackmail to try and control you. Take back your control and tell him to get out. I know this is a tough situation but taking control of your own situation will help you immensly. Keep in touch.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


Dansky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 2844
   Posted 6/7/2007 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia,

Wow, I feel your suffering, please don't rush into any harsh decisions which you may regret at a later time. I'm new onto this forum but I'm not new to illness or marriage, I have been with my wife since 1988 and I know exactly that you both have to give and take a considerable amount to make it work, and what damage illness can cause to your marriage. Since being diagnosed with UC etc. I have occasionally become a real monster at times which I guess must make my wife want to walk out the door, I'm sure and I hope that it's a result of illness and not that I have turned into a bad person.

I agree with Cranky1 that you should not leave the marital home and make a diary of everything that happens and is said, also make sure you talk to other family members and any close friends, so that they are totally aware of what you are going through and may be able to offer additional support.

I may be completely wrong but there may be a possibility things have got on top of your husband, hey illness is very hard on us, but we rarely truly consider the effect it has on our partners and after all they support us through our bad times but who supports them?

Please understand that I am in no way trying to criticise you or anything Cranky1 has said but I believe you have to work extremely hard to keep the marriage going after all, when we took our vows we all meant them right?

I believe that the best way to keep a marriage alive is to imagine you're taking a driving test, imagine your examiner is watching your every move, so overemphasise the movements by that I mean when I drive my car I don't turn my head to look in the mirror, but if I were on my test I know the examiner would be watching for that very movement, so I'd move my head, I pushed the vacum cleaner around the house earlier when I finished I phoned my wife on the phone and told her that I had just finished the cleaning :-) See where I'm going with this, my wife appreciates it when I do that stuff so when I have done good I'll let her know and hey I like the praise, I'm not suggesting that your husband would be thrilled to learn that you had just done the housework, but you know what he likes so do something for him after reading this and if you can let him know. One of my best moves ever was picking a leaf of a tree, after an argument one day I was walking back home from work I picked a leaf off a tree for no particular reason, when I got home I told my wife I had been thinking about her all day and I was so sorry about the argument that I felt I wanted to get her some flowers but that I hadn't been anywhere that any were sold, so I picked that leaf and although it wasn't as colourful and pretty it was a living thing and to me it meant as much as flowers, you know what it worked, and I was forgiven, my mates at work couldn't believe I had the nerve to try it on and I don't suppose I'll ever try that one again but originality works!

Maybe you won't be able to resolve matters with your husband, but unless you work at it 100% you will never know, there are too many failed marriages in this world and I truly believe a considerable amount of those marriages could have been save if one of the involved gave it that 100%.

I wish you all the luck in the world, if you do decide to give it another go, you need to write out a plan list all the things he enjoys doing and work at taking the stress off him for a while he may be in serious need for a rest. You mentioned that you haven't been on here for sometime, well now your computer is up and running, use this forum and any others for support and try to give your husband a break from your illness.

In my opinion you should fight for your marriage for as long as possible even if it seems like the other half has given up, be honest and open with him and tell him that you realise how much he is suffering right now and try try try to get things back on track.

Take care.

Dave


Dansky
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ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/8/2007 5:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Alicia
Have not heard from you in awhile and was wondering how you were...


Feel free to email me at anytime.





Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/8/2007 7:00 AM (GMT -7)   

Well....I am still here.  I haven't left and my husband has not left.  We haven't seen much of each other either though so that could be why nothing has really gone on.  The only thing new in my life is that he told me that I have until the end of the week to change and get better or else he wants out of the marriage because he doesn't want to live like this.  He is still sleeping in another room. 

That is it and that is all that is new with me. 

Alicia


Rick Roma
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 37
   Posted 7/8/2007 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Depression is a terrible frame of mind it can cause so many problems... I went through hell and back for the past few years trying different medications... terrible panic attacks. Terrible fear, a strange restlessness. I could not even watch TV.. finally with trial and error.... I was put on zolof in combination with Advin for sleeping.. again I thought this medication was not working for me.... and after a good five weeks started to feel more like myself again... I was told these medications are addictive..... if that's true -- so be it... this medication has given me back my life.

Richard -- PA
There is a special church here nestled deep
in the forest.... a beautiful bell hangs at the very top.... it only stops ringing.  When you come through the forests for your voice takes its place....   Richard


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/9/2007 4:44 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry
Have you gotten into counseling yet? Or will he agree to family counseling yet?


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/9/2007 6:36 AM (GMT -7)   

No, I have not gotten into counseling yet.  It is really hard to get into counseling where I live.  It takes months.  He will not go to family counseling.  He tells me that he does not need counseling because I am the problem, not him. 

 


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 7/9/2007 12:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Alicia,

I have a wife who is dealing with depression and I can see where your husband is coming from...kind of. It is very difficult to be in a relationship that is (I'm guessing, so if I'm wrong please excuse) one-sided when both people have needs and desires. I do get to a breaking point often because it seems as if I'm holding everything together and I'm getting nothing back from her. Ironically, during this time, I need my one confidant and best friend and she's just not there for me right now. I am looking for some reassurance from her and she just can't (or won't) give me anything to keep me going. I know that sounds selfish, I do, but from everything I've read on the Internet and in books on this subject - as well as from our therapist and psychiatrist - I am to tell her what I need from her.

What I gather is that it keeps her connected with me. I will say that it has been a giant struggle and she seems to have trouble with meeting me anywhere let alone half way. So you know, I'm simply asking for her to give me a hug periodically and hold my hand once in a while. I'm not asking for things she can't handle.

Anyway, I don't know exactly what your husband is going through, but I know that from my own situation, I do get to a hopeless place sometimes, but then I see my wife with our 2 1/2 year old or see her laugh or say something witty or even just sitting there looking beautiful and my hope gets renewed...if only for another day.

It's tough. Good luck with everything and I hope that he comes around and supports you.

Rick...
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

~ Lyrics from "Daughters" by John Mayer


goddess0728
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 81
   Posted 7/9/2007 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
alicia54321 said...
The only thing new in my life is that he told me that I have until the end of the week to change and get better or else he wants out of the marriage because he doesn't want to live like this.

Alicia


Argh! I understand the frustration of being involved with a depressed person but that is HARSH. I too believe that marriages deserve work, but geez! If you had broken your back and couldn't work, would he say "you better heal that back in a week or I'm outta here"


Alicia I don't know what to advise you on your marriage but I think you deserve better treatment. He didn't just say he can't take it anymore, it's like he's blaming you for everything. Which is WRONG. He needs to remember there are 2 equal people in a marriage, not a dictator and a slave.

Good luck to you sweetie.
“Alright Brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.” - Homer Simpson

“Good counsel failing men can give, why? He that's aground knows where the shoal doth lie” - Benjamin Franklin


“When we turn to one another for counsel we reduce the number of our enemies.” - Kahlil Gibran


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/10/2007 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for everyones support.  I really appreciate it. 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/11/2007 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia
I would contact your doctor,are you on meds? I think that you getting into counseling yourself is what is needed here. Marriage takes two so it is not just up to you to fix it.
Has your husband ever thought that the reason you are depressed may be because of him?
Wow,wouldn't that be an eye opener if he realized that.

Good luck and stay strong
And please keep us posted.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/19/2007 8:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, I am still sticking it out.  Things have not changed with my situation at all.  I have tried to talk to my husband and tell him that the things he says sometimes hurt my feelings and his response to that was "are you just going to whine and cry about everything that I say", "you know how to fix it, have sex with me".  How does that make me want to be close to him.  It just pushes me farther and farther away when he says things like that.  He told me last night that he is at the point that he does not care if I stay or go.  I am wondering if I should just go.  He is obviously not happy and I am not happy and we just cannot seem to fix it. 
 
He is just continuing to say things that hurt badly.  For example, he told me the other day that I was not a good mother.  He knows that I am a good mother and he has told me that in the past, but I think he just wants to say things that are hurtful. 
 
Well.......that is my update.  Not much to say, but same old, same old.
 
Oh yeah, and no I am not on meds.  I really do not want to go on meds, but I will if I have to. 

Post Edited (alicia54321) : 7/19/2007 9:02:01 AM (GMT-6)


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/20/2007 4:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Alicia
While reading your posts I get a stomach ache..simply because I have lived your life it seems.
My ex was both mentally and physically abusive. And a total control freak. He used my kids,and anything else to get at me. He tried to control the sex too.
It took me a long time to get enough guts to leave but the day I walked out was the best day of my life.

I don't know why they don't get that you just can't forgive and forget. They can't be horrible to you all day and then expect you to open your arms to them at night. It gets to a point to where they totally disgust you.
Also the " have sex with me"....ok, now you are turned on right? Let's see how about some romance in our life buddy? Or just simply treating me with respect so that you don't disgust me.

I don't know where their brains are most of the time.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


alicia54321
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 7/20/2007 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   

Well my husband is not physically abusive so that is an up I guess. 

I was just reading on drphil.com this morning and read some really good points.  I think I am going to get my husband to read them as well.  He will probably just laugh at me, but it is worth a shot. 

Sex is not the foundation of a healthy relationship; it is a natural extension of a relationship in which giving and receiving mutual support and comfort are common. If you want a good sexual relationship, it needs to be embedded in a good overall relationship.

·  Sex involves vulnerability. It is an act that can flow freely only with mental, emotional and physical trust.

·  Sex should not be forced. It should be just one more way of expressing mutuality, support and caring. It can then be the springboard for more thoughts and appreciative behaviors that will bridge into the next, seemingly spontaneous, sexual interaction.

·  It is illogical for you to ignore your partner in the morning, bark at him/her during the day, argue in the evening, and then fall into his/her arms for a fanciful sexual adventure at night. Insensitivity, inattention and hostility make sexual intimacy unnatural. If you want a rhythmic pattern of sexual intimacy, then create a relational pattern that reflects the same intimate emotions.

·  Don't base a relationship on sex. You need love, compassion and caring — and then sex can be a reflection of that. Don't think of it in either/or terms: You can cuddle when it's time for that, have an active sex life as well, and have tremendous love and respect for each other throughout.

 

Don't use sex for the wrong reasons, and burden it or load it up with too much meaning. For example, it shouldn't be a way to validate your partner. It should be an extension of the caring, feeling and respect you have for the other person.

 

I think these are all good points and I hope he takes it seriously. 

 

Shynsassy, at this point, I am feeling that if I left I would have a lot less stress in my life and be a lot more happy. 

 

 

 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/20/2007 1:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Alicia,

Hi this is Kitt and I have read all your posts in this thread. Wow, you are being way to kind to that man. You should not leave, why should you and children be forced from your home by this man?

IMHO you need to be on meds, I know you prefer not to but it may be your wisest choice at the moment.  Get back your lost self and learn to love you. You do not need him to tell you what you know. You are a good person and devoted Mother.

He is blackmailing you as well as being verbally abusive. What will he do next?

He is manipulating you and how dare he put a time limit on when you have to be well.  Depression is not something you turn on and off on a whim. 

Until you get some good help for you, he will continue to treat you like this only I fear it may escalate.  If he cannot take it, then he should seek counseling or leave.  But no more bullying you.

Try not to allow yourself to get into confrontations with him.

And he is lucky to have another room to sleep in.

Sorry but this is a topic I am passionate about. I want you safe, please know I have your best interest at heart.

And for those understanding and devoted spouses, I commend you. I have a good husband and he has been frustrated and gotten upset but then I tell him how much he means to me and his help is my best medicine. :)

Gentle Hugs


Respectfully
Kitt
 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*

Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

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