ty USA weekend, I'm new too...

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CatFeet
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/3/2007 11:08 AM (GMT -7)   
I feel my problem(s) are really very insignificant compared to most here.  But perhaps someone will have an easier time telling me if I'm wrong to feel the way I do or not.  Yes, I know the feelings can't be 'wrong'.  But perhaps some perspective might change my feelings.  I've only partially discussed this with a couple of friends.
 
Background: a little over a year ago my husband of 41 years received a letter from a 52 year old woman who thought he was her father - short version - she is! (DNA proof to 95% and circumstances of pregnancy). 
 
She came to visit last year in March for 8 days.  I liked her and so did my husband.  I had lunch with them several times and she visited at our house a lot, but I stayed out of the way most of the time.
 
Shortly after she left, my husband left his email open on our computer to a letter he was writing to her aunt.  In this message he told the aunt how great his new daughter was and how they were both real "family name" type people.  He's never said that to our only son.  I've apologized for reading it, but the fact is I did.  He also (he says jokingly) that we didn't get in any fights (newly discovered daughter and I)  His letter was signed love, dad.  I was heart broken that he would have these kinds of feelings for someone whom he had only donated sperm and never met until they interacted for 8 days.  He never expressed these feelings to our son that I've heard since he was very small.  Yes, I know it may be a guy thing that it's ok to show feelings to daughters and not sons.
 
We have only 1 child, a 40 year old son who was doing great as an IT person with a job history of 8-9 years at the same company.  He was laid off after in a re-organization and because we discovered he'd become addicted to Meth.  He has been off the drug for over 3 years, but has been declared disabled because he still has panic attacks, severe depression and cannot go out in public.  He takes medication(s) for these problems and seems to be getting steadily better.
 
Two months she came again (without asking) for 4 days.  I was very upset because my husband had agreed that he would go visit her and that I didn't need to interact with her or the rest of her family anymore.  She has 4 children and 3 grandchildren.  Our son has no children, nor is he married.
 
I know I should be happy for him.  He's always wanted grandchildren and now he has 4 plus 3 greats!  I know he loves both my son and myself -- at least he says so.  And he usually acts like it also.  But I can't help feeling like we (my son and I) are now just 'there' and she and her family are exciting and wonderful to him.
 
I feel worthless and rejected a lot of the time.  I've lost 40# because being depressed causes me to loose my
my appetite completely.   I've considered counseling, but know that lots of times one has to go to several to get a good match.  And I feel even worse contemplating counseling.\
 
Bottom line:  I am jealous, depressed and ashamed of myself because of it.  But it makes me cry each time I hear the joy in my husband's voice when he talks to his daughter or to his brothers and sister about her.  Note that I am not jealous of his having sex with someone 52 years ago, 3 days before he shipped out on a submarine for Korea.

stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/3/2007 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Cat Feet,

Welcome to Healing Well!  So nice to have you with us!

I think your feelings are very legitimate and you have been very open minded and sincerely nice to his newly found daughter. I am wondering where her Mother is in all of this.

IMO I think you and your husband need to talk this through, either alone or with a counseler. Your husband needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand where he is coming from.

Telling you that you  no longer have  any role re his newly found relationship does not feel good to me.  He is your husband and you should be part of his life, not just where he slots you in.

It would be a good idea if he could have more understanding of your son's illness and the use of the most addicting drug available on the street. People do not realize how addicting the drug meth is.  They usuallly start with some other drug but end up on this and it is very serious.

I am not critizing your husband as many don't understand addicts but your son needs both of his parents to support him right now.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I would feel very hurt if this happened at our home.  You have a very big heart to welcome this stranger into your lives, you have extended your invitation to her. Some women could not do that.

Gentle hugs and keep posting.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


CatFeet
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/4/2007 1:17 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Kitt,
 
Thank you for your concern. 
 
I've not made something clear and I can see how you misinterpreted it.
 
I am the one who doesn't want to interact with his new family.  He would be more than happy if I wanted to and so would they.  I just can't put myself through the whole thing considering how it seems to me that he feels about them.
 
You are right, we should understand each other.  And we have discussed it.  After I get really upset and he has no choice but to talk about it.  He has admitted (when I turn the situation around for him) that he understands. 
 
But then he does something like speak for 2 hours on the phone with his new daughter and my feelings are then very hurt and I get depressed all over about it again.
 
I know this won't go away and that I must learn to live with it.  I much prefer to ignore things that I cannot change.  But I can't ignore this if I have to overhear phone conversations or she comes to visit.  PS: I made him password his e-mail and not leave it open any more so at least that isn't a problem now.
 
Again, thanks for listening and replying.
 
 

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/5/2007 5:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Cat
I think you have every right to have these feelings. Your world has been turned upside down.
Your husbands world has been turned upside down also,and he might not know how to handle it.
It might be guilt. Because he did not know about her,and is trying to show her that he is sorry and is willing to be a father. I can't imagine how I would handle it.

A little background.
My father was never around. I think I saw him maybe 3 times in my whole life.
He died this year. And I took it pretty hard. Mostly because now my dreams of my father and I having a realtionship are gone.
Then the biggest blow that I could never have imagined happened when I read the obit.
I was not mentioned.
He had 6 other kids,they were all mentioned. But I was left out.
Because of that I chose not to go to the funeral.
I did email the funeral home and asked them to send me the pamphlet that they give out,I explained who I was ect.And to my horror the gal that read my email gave it to my dad's son,who is probably a few years younger. She told me that he really wants to contact me,and he gave her his address.
I have not done anything about it. And am not sure I ever will. I have had enough hurt in my life.

I think that counseling is something that you really need to consider. You need to be able to talk to someone else about how your life has been turned upside down.

I am sorry for your son,I fear that drug,and so far my kids have gone no where near it. But,I it is a nasty drug and kudos to your son for being able to get away from it.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 6/5/2007 2:21 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Cat, I agree that your feelings are valiad here but it would seem that you and your husband do need to come to some kind of agreement as far as the situation goes.  You cant keep denying his daughter as part of his life because it is so...and he cant keep ignoring your son.  Perhaps counseling is inorder here?

Like Shy, I too grew up not knowing my real father.  I meet him when I was 25 yrs old, I'm now 33.  Though I am not a big part of his life, I do know that I am not welcome as far as his long time live in girlfriend is concerned.  It isnt a good feeling to know this when all you wish to do is have a relationship with your dad and were denied during your childhood due to no fault of your own.

Please do keep posting and letting us know how your doing


Elisha
Co~Mod: Depression
Moderator: Heart & Cardiovascular Disease
http://www.healingwell.com/donate

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