Why can't I get motivated?

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anja78
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/4/2007 3:36 PM (GMT -7)   
This last year I have been on a rollercoaster ride. My moods are all over the place and there are times I just lose all control and have emotional breakdowns.
Here's what has happened in the last year - I'll start off with the good things...got married, bought a house and got a dog. (Alot!) I also switched jobs and went to working part-time and trying to do freelance work.
I have always wanted to try working from home and my husband has been totally supportive. I decided to try it by doing it a few days a week to see if I could get it off the ground. I've had a few clients but not as many as I need. (I am not good at networking as I am a shy person - I do try though).

In a way I feel like a failure now (as we have no more saving left & are running on empty, along with an insane mortgage payment). Then I start going into blame mode - blaming myself for getting us in such a bad money situation b/c I am not making what I need to make.

My part-time job is ok but I was seeing it as a temporary job and lately I have felt very unhappy there. I wake up in a daze, not wanting to do anything. I get very unmotivated and forgetful. I didn't go in today.
I really want to go to therapy but I'm having problems finding anyone who is covered on our insurance. No once seems to take it. And we are unable to pay out of pocket. I talked to someone who said she could recommend me to someone who was on a sliding scale but still that is money we don't have. (I have thought of asking my mom but I'm almost 30 and I feel like a complete loser).

I don't many friends in the area, at least no one I feel close enough to talk to, and I know my husband is getting a little worried about me too. I know I've been very negative and unmotivated lately but I don't know how to get out of this slump. I want to be a happy person but these things depress me...

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/5/2007 4:46 AM (GMT -7)   
Anja
First of all welcome to the board. I am very glad that you found us,and I am sure you are going to find the support that you are looking for.
Wow,You need to have so many kudos for having enough guts to start something on your own.
And,you are lucky to have a husband that is so supportive.

I am 37,and have been divorced for 5 years now. I moved 2 hrs away from my kids(ages 17 and 20,and living with their dad now) and believe me,I never in a million years thought I would be living my life this way. I had to start over,and it is very hard.

It does sound like you might have depression,from everything that you have been going through it is no wonder.
I suggest calling your doctor and at least talking to him about what is going on.
I also suggest counseling.
You might even consider having your husband go with you since he is so supportive.


Please keep us posted

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 6/5/2007 6:18 AM (GMT -7)   
What about starting to look for a new job? The statistics for the failure rates of personal home businesses is high. It's tough. My husband tried it and failed miserably but we just picked ourselves up and kept going. He went back to full time work. And shortly thereafter landed a better job. Don't get me wrong, we are still suffering the consequences of that failed business and will for at least a couple more years (it's been 4 already). The bank screwing up our remortgage at the time didn't help any either! But we had two kids who needed looking after and so my husband went back to full time status at his place of work and kept looking for a better job. I think you need to give yourself kudos for trying, but don't let it ruin you. It's not for everybody. My dad has been a small business owner for the last 20 years or so, and he was forced to declare bankruptcy once, but after the bankruptcy he picked himself up and kept going. But men seem to be able to take that all in stride better. Women take it personally. Instead of viewing it as, well we gave it our best shot and it didn't work out, time to move on to plan B, we punish ourselves emotionally and blame ourselves. Y'know what, sometimes it's just not meant to be. I think you need to sit down, with your husband if need be, and write out the strengths and weaknesses of the business. See what you've taken away from it. Learn from it but don't let it be your downfall. It sounds like you're young, with no children(?), you have lots of time to turn things around. I think what you need most right now, is to find a new full time job. Get back to helping to pay the bills. Get your finances back in order. Feel good in that accomplishment. It's amazing the high you get when you finish paying off creditors. And if it's really bad, seek credit counselling. They can tell you what your best course of action would be, and help you sort out payment plans with your creditors. That's what we did. We are down to 1 creditor left from that time period, and a student loan. Believe me, that's a huge accomplishment. And it does feel good. You just have to sit down, focus on the strengths you learned from your business, get your resume out and polish it up, get a financial plan in order to get back on track, and set some new goals for yourself. If you never experienced the above feelings prior to these business problems, it sounds more like situational, which means if you change your situation, you might be able to shake it. But I don't know your history with that so correct me if I'm wrong. Counselling, if you can get it, might help you figure things out and sort things out in your head for sure. And don't be afraid to ask for help. When you're down and out, asking for help is not a failure. It's takes a lot of guts to ask for help. And if you have a supportive extended family, they will do whatever they can. Everybody goes through rough patches. It's a normal part of life. It's how we deal with it that makes or breaks us. It sounds like despite this business failure, you have a lot going for you. I encourage you to sit down and refocus yourself. It can be tough, take it one day at a time. Set mini goals for yourself in terms of getting back to full time employment. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your dream of having a home business. It's all right to grieve. It's hard when dreams are shattered. But sometimes it's amazing what you can find in the shattered pieces. Strength and the ability to endure hardships, among other things. I hope I have been helpful. And definitely keep posting. Sometimes it just feels good to have our feelings validated. Take care.
slowlygoingcrazy
 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


surviveandthrive
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 113
   Posted 6/5/2007 11:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Anja,
The loss of motivation can be from so many things. Depression, definitely. Medications can cause that also. Certainly stress (which it sounds like you are definitely under)can ba a contributing factor. You have undergone so many changes and that is overwhelming for anyone! Your changes are all ones in the right direction but perhaps you need to slow down and take care of yourself. My changes went in the opposite direction, but with similar effects. I was working full time in my passion of a job, just starting to get used to living alone after a horrible divorce, reconnecting with my kids who took the divorce so hard and pulled away from me.......
Then I got a call from my father asking if I had ever thought of moving across the state to where he and Mom lived to help care for my Mom who had Alzheimer's. For some reason, I knew it was the right thing to do so I sold my house, left my friends and security behind, quit my job and moved in with my parents. (Moved out at 18 to go to college, got married and lived with my husband, got divorced 23 years later and then moved back in with my parents....kind of reverse cycle!)
The changes were overwhelming. I was now responsible for the emotional and physical health of two people, dealing with the disease of Alzheimers, no income, no friends, and no independence because they required full time care. I was busy enough 24/7 to know only that my own emotional and physical health was taking a hit. My new "job" came first and I gave it everything, lovingly. For two years I was able to keep them here in their home and then mom died from complications of her disease, and then Dad 7 weeks later from a broken heart. They were 90 and always wanted to stay in their home, not a nursing home. I was with them when they died and was the first to kiss them good-bye. Their passing was natural and loving.
Now, however, I find myself more of where you sound you are. They were my "job" and not only did I lose my parents whom I loved, I lost my reason for moving here. So no job now, no friends except my 90 year old ones from my parents, no real motivation to move on. I do much too little and then feel bad about it every night when I go to bed. my therapist is a great help. I should exercise, which I know I should do. And I should eat better, which I know I should do.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You have undertaken an awful lot and time come pull everything together. In the meantime, though, you should do anything you can to get a therapist to reinforce that you are going to be okay and that much of what you are going through is natural, given your life changes.
So, best of luck to you:-)
Like my screen name.....I have survived so much and aim to thrive from all the experiences I have had. It must be possible and I will never stop trying!


harry4
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 1449
   Posted 6/5/2007 2:39 PM (GMT -7)   

sounds likje depression a med like prozac could be tried and may help, generic may be cheaper

also helps to get out every day and take a long walk with the dog


recovered former longtime anxiety and panic attack sufferer and helper of other sufferers  but no training or  qualifications in medicine or psychology, any remarks that may be taken as advice must be confirmed with doctor or other health professional
emails are welcome but do mention healingwell to avoid risk of deletion as spam


anja78
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/5/2007 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks so much for all of your input, support and stories. it made me really happy to see your responses and advice. i do have hope but getting through those bads days are hard.

today I felt much better. sometimes I feel i need to hit rock bottom in order for me to start feeling better or to snap out of it. what is that about?

i do want to find a new job but what I am finding so stressful is what I want to do with my life. I'm 29 and don't know what I would be good at doing. I went to college and in my 1st year I had no idea what I wanted to do...I thought maybe business or graphic design. My parents told me I should declare a major after a year and a half, so partly b/c I still didn't know and partically b/c my mom always told me I was good at art, I decided to switch schools and go for graphic design.
I hadn't drawn in years and years and struggled quite a bit my 1st couple years. I knew I was ok at was I was doing but not AMAZING, which I wanted to be. I wanted to drop out and almost did my last year, however my parents intervened and told me I could do it. This was another mental breakdown and a bad time for me.
I struggle alot with fitting in and being confident in what I do b/c I have an idea of how things should be have a hard time getting there. So, I ended up graduating and glad that I did. But sometimes I look back and wish I would have gotten some kind of career counseling.
I had alot of interviews for jobs within my major and got no where...everyone told me my portfolio still needed work. I put SO much time and effort into it, I got frustrated and told myself I wasn't good. Then I decided to try it freelance and get my own clients. This isnt' working since networking and getting clients is a struggle and I am running out of momentum. I feel like I try and try but get nowhere!
I know that I have a passion for helping people and sometimes I think I should have gone into the medical field. I found a program online for music therapy that sounds right up my alley, since I LOVE playing piano. I don't have one since I've moved out on my own, but I would say (back as a teenager) I was an above average classically trained musician. I can't improvise but I can play pretty well went to alot of state piano competitions that I got the highest marks & awards in. I talked to my hubby about it and he thought it sounds really good...but now we're back to our money situation. I honestly can't take out a loan for more schooling and what if I end up deciding this isn't what I want either.
I have thought about tyring to get another job in the grapic design field but I find it hard to get excited about.
Plus if I got another job, quitting my part-time job and freelance business, that would mean I have switched jobs four times in the last six years. IS that bad?? Whenever I tell my parents about changing jobs I can tell they are disapointed i am not sticking with it. I know they worry about me to and what I am doing with my life, since they all have stable careers that they've been with for years and years.
ahhhh....I don't know.
I am going to see a therapist (evaluation) on friday but I feel bad having asked my mom to pay for it since I know she doens't have alot of money either. I'm how old? and can't pay for my own stuff...that is pretty sad, right?

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/6/2007 4:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't beat yourself up for the finances. There are alot of people that struggle and if you do not have insurance then what can you do?

When you go to the doctor ask for some samples.
I also suggest checking into the local hospitals financial aid department. Some will go by your income (make sure they have a pharmacy) and you might be able to get your meds at a low co-payment or at no cost.



Keep us posted.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


filmgirl
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 6/7/2007 11:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi anja,

Some of the things you said really rang a bell with me. I'm 29 years old, too, also living in a place where I have no or few friends, and I haven't been able to really support myself for years. My parents have loaned me money to help pay for things or just payed for things outright when I desperately needed them. I went to college after high school and had only a little trouble identifying what I wanted to do. I had been planning to go to vet school since I was a child to work with wildlife. In college, I finally realized it wasn't the best way to get to do what I wanted (or thought I wanted). I ended up majoring in wildlife (without a trip to vet school) and went on to have some phenomenal experiences, really. But after interning for a few years and never being able to land that "REAL" job, with a real salary, real benefits, I realized I wasn't as motivated to do wildlife work as I thought. So...I went back to school at the age of 27 to do what I really loved (or think I love!).

What I can tell you about it is don't be afraid to try out yet another career. My father worked at the same job for all my life, but most people really do switch careers a few times. Personally, I think it's important to do something you are really excited about.

Good luck with the therapist. I know the place I go to has sample medication available, so maybe you can work something out. If you're in a metropolitan area, there are usually lots of avenues. You could try a support group, too.

anja78
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 6/7/2007 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Shy. I think I'm having a hard time with it b/c I've always been good with money and finances and have never been this drained in my life. It's hard letting it go...not being able to go out with friends, even things like getting a hair cut (and I mean cheap haircut) or paying bills. It makes me on edge and very nervous. I know there are other people out there less fortunate and I am very thankful for what I have!

Filmgirl, what did you end up going back to school for? That is really great to hear! I wish you lots of luck with your future endvenours. I am thinking more and more about going back...one of these days. When the finances get more managable.

I see the therapist tommorrow and have hope that she will help with leading me in the right direction.

rabbit
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 6/7/2007 5:52 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Anja,
See if this helps. A friend of mine found herself in personal finance hell. She was way past living paycheck to paycheck and later said how embarrased she felt.
At one point, she had to ask for money on occasion. She always paid back and that made her feel good.
We started to "go out" in ways that cost nothing. Reading the best magazines at the library for a few hours, bringing a Thermos of iced tea for a walk along the river. A big splurge was going out to an outside event, free concerts, fireworks, amateur theatre and buy a drink.
Later she said her world was so dark at that time and she felt incompetent, a failed adult. Everything went wrong financially and to add to that, she felt so bad, thinking she was doomed to live on the financial edge, humiliated.
Of course she got out of it. Slowly and painfully. She says what helped the most was the support of some people around her. Some people could not handle her way of life while she was in distress. Others, 2 of her neighbours, her sister and myself (I'm happy to report !) made the difference, accepting her in that situation as in anyother, adapting.
Her parents did not "get it", helped with money and stuff but made her feel bad because of some judgement she felt.
If you can find angels around you, stick with them ! Maybe one person can help in that way.
Keep in mind : you are a Princess ! You deserve the best care out there, even if it's only a walk on a sunny day and mostly if it is holding on to the fact that you are a Princess and should care for yourself even at worse times.
Hope this helps,
Rabbit

P.S. I'm 38 years old and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. My studies were all over the board and my parents consistently disapproved although they are good people. I thought I would never get a proper job. I did get "MacJobs", slugging painfully through call centers jobs. Then life played tricks on me, opportunities opened up. A very good job drove me to depression and know I really get the bumper sticker that says "I thought I wanted a career. All I wanted is the pay". My current job is allright, no great salary and not really aligned with studies. But I do volunteer work with kids and teens, using what my studies allowed me to acquire and feel I should always keep some energy to do that.

slowlygoingcrazy
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 6/7/2007 8:41 PM (GMT -7)   
In this age, I think there's a lot more of us "lost souls" trying to figure out what we want to do.  If someone said to me tomorrow, here's all the money you need to go back to school, I wouldn't have any idea what I'd take, let alone where to start!  And yet going back to school is my dream!  Go figure.  I think the biggest reason I want to go back to school is to say I have more than a highschool education.  I hate being 30 and still only having my highschool.  I just thank God for the job in my dad's law firm.  It makes life more comfortable than it would be if I was slugging away in retail or the "food" industry, as many "young mommies" often end up doing. 
 
Anyways, I wouldn't beat yourself up for not knowing what you want to do with your life.  At 18/19, we're pushed straight out of highschool and forced to pick something that will define us for probably the next 10-15 years at least.  For some, they're lucky and get what they want, figure it out the first time around.  Most of us often discover it wasn't what we wanted at all and are extremely unhappy in our jobs.  Unfortunately, most of us at this point are also getting married and starting families which makes changing career paths even more difficult (particularly the kids part - that's one of my problems!)  The bottom line is you are not alone.  You may feel like it some days, but I guarantee there are a lot more of us out there than you might think, and we probably out number the ones who are really happy and completely fulfilled in their chosen life/career paths.  I have a friend who is on the verge of getting her phd and while it's what she really wants, she's frustrated with how much she's had to give up personally to achieve it.  So everybody has crosses to bear, even the ones who are where they want to be career wise.  
 
And I think having the "perfect life" or the perception of it, has become a "social stigma".  Why else would Martha Stewart be so popular?  People want to be perfect.  We strive for perfection and often confuse perfection with happiness.  At any point in one's life, there's something that needs attention or working on.  We are always a work in progress, evolving, ever changing.  Perfection is impossible.  And we drive ourselves crazy trying to achieve it.  I think it's part of the reason stress and depression are increasingly becoming more prevalent in our society.  Who can possibly keep up with the Jones and the Stewarts?  And woman are worse in this respect than men usually.  I want the table set properly, my husband is happy if everything is on the table.  There must be a happy medium in life?!  But first we have to stop beating ourselves up when our paths take us somewhere we hadn't planned on, deviating from our perception of that "perfect life".  Sometimes those paths lead to surprising places we couldn't have foreseen if we planned it out perfectly ourselves!  And often we are so busy grieving the path we've lost, to see the gifts we've received.  I know that I should be grateful for everything.  I have a husband.  Two beautiful kids.  A house (yes I have a sign for my kitchen that says "A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen... and this kitchen is delirious".  That sign would apply to most of my house actually.)  I have a good job, even if I don't like it.  I have a loving extended family, and a couple of really good friends I know I can count on.  Why am I depressed?  Because at times all I can focus on is everything I've lost over the years, opportunities I wasn't able to follow for whatever reason, that my life doesn't fit with the perception of what it should be or that elusive quality called "perfection".  Obviously there is more to it than that, that's where the biological factor takes over, but nonetheless the fact remains that if the world in general could lower their standards even just a little bit, stress levels would drop and everyone would likely be a little happier.  But everyone has to be the best.  Our worth is often assessed by what we have, instead of what really matters.  And we also tend to create false perceptions of "perfection" too.  Lowering standards so even the kids who are struggling pass to the next class.  Everyone has to be equally "perfect".  It's absolutely ridiculous.....
 
I think you need to look at yourself and assess yourself honestly and not based on society's "ideals".   You are young.  You have lots of time ahead of you to go back to school, to figure things out.  I wouldn't worry if you don't have all the answers now.  If we did, life would be pretty boring!  Finances are always a hurdle but set yourself goals, and a strict budget and you'll be back on track before you know it.  And another thing, as far as career paths go - I think it's estimated that most people of our generation will switch careers at least 3 times, or something like that.  It might even be more than that.  So don't feel bad about not figuring it out the first time around.  You are not alone and you're young enough to try again.  And I'm sure there's lessons you've learned along the way that will help you out next time around.  
 
Anyways, I apologize for this long ramble and social commentary - you may or may not agree with!  I just get so frustrated with the perceptions of the world at times.  If I could strip life back to the basics I would.  I hate knick knacks.  I keep only what I need, with a few exceptions; my writing, my photos and special books.  (Then there's the arts and crafts stuff I collect in the hopes of having my own business some day... but that's another story!) I wish I could purge away half the stuff in this house, but most of it belongs to my husband so I can't...  And he's a packrat.  He's gotten better but I'm still working on him.  And he loves figurines and models and all that stuff.  I call them dust collectors!  There isn't room for that stuff in our little 3 bedroom condo and things aren't the collectors items they used to be.  When my husband and I got married and moved into this house, he brought 6-7 boxes of his old toys with him!!!!  I finally convinced him about a year and a half ago to give a lot of it to our son.  But there's still a few boxes back there...  I find it claustrophobic and overwhelming, but he doesn't get it so getting him to purge is difficult.  After nearly 9 years of marriage, he's better than he used to be.  But I still have empty pop bottles sitting around this house that he considers souvenirs...  I'd get rid of them in a heartbeat if I could.  It's the thing I hate most about Christmas - more stuff to find places for! 
 
Anyways, I've really gone off on a rant!  Forgive me!  All this to say, you are not alone in not being happy with your first career path.  Many people aren't.  So now that you've had some experience, and probably have a little better idea of what you do want/like (or better yet, what you don't), figure out a way to go for it and stick to your plan.  It's not to say everything will always happen the way you want and that there won't be difficult patches or down moments, those are just part of life.  But as the saying goes "when a door is closed, a window is openned", or something along that line!  So think of this as a door closing on one part of your life and a window opening on the next, and try to enjoy and embrace the sunshine and the breeze coming in the window! 
 
I know, easier said than done!!!!! Story of my life....

Take care, slowlygoingcrazy.

 It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/8/2007 5:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Anja78

You are very welcome. I understand the frustration that the money can cause believe me. Good luck with your appointment and let us know how it goes!


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

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