I suffer with rage as a symptom of my depression. When I was zombied out on the Effexor XR it was under control but I've come off of it, trying to regain some of my footing in the world, but the rage is coming back and it scares me. My husband and I visited our counsellor this past Friday and I was talking about this, and her response was "You have control over your emotions and how they manifest themselves." Meaning I should be able to find better ways to deal with the anger. But when my son is whining at me, and my daughter has dirtied herself and whatever else might be going on at the same time, a mess to clean up or something ends up broken or the kids are argueing and not listening to anything, or complaining cause their hungry but I put food on the table and they (particularly my son) chose not to eat it, and the list of "issues" goes on. If it's just one thing at a time I can deal with it - usually. It's when everything seems to happen at the same time. I suddenly lose it. I hit myself - usually my head. And scream. I have quite a temper tantrum. And my biggest problem is it always seems to be the kids that have to deal with it. And it's not like I can say, "okay honey, I've had enough, it's your turn". My husband works evenings and is gone 5 out of 7 days a week. So I'm trying to figure out how I'm supposed to "control my emotions" in these circumstances. It just that in the moment when everything is going wrong and the kids are pushing all my buttons, I start to feel incredibly ovewhelmed and my head just feels like it's going to explode if I don't just let it out. It's like I'm trapped in a cage and I can't get out.
Things are much better now than they used to be before my depression was medicated in anyway. I actually taught my son to throw temper tantrums... It was when he started banging his head on anything that was available when he got frustrated, that made me realize I had to get it under control by whatever means necessary. It was drugged under control, and push comes to shove, I'm thinking of going back there... It's better for the kids when I'm not so crazy.
But I'm curious what others think of this, in particular what they think of the counsellor's comments in conjunction with someone suffering severe depression. I know there are things that can make the above outbursts more likely, one is being on the computer or watching tv before I've got the kids settled. It's like I go into "relax" mode and getting myself going again is more difficult, thus my patience levels are lowered. So I try very hard not to get into either the tv or the computer (the second one being the most difficult to avoid seeing as I feel like it's my link to my sanity in some crazy way!), but some nights, I am just so tired, it happens, and then all chaos usually ends up breaking out as my reward!
Any comments or suggestions or opinions welcome.
It would be easier to tell people I have cancer than it is to tell them I am severely depressed.....