Dealing with Abuse

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Howl.Plath
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 6/12/2007 10:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I opened up to my mother yesterday. At first her reaction was just to hold me then she proceeded around the house in silence doing her normal tasks. Then today she has been acting very angry and almost mean. So now my mother just keeps saying that this is the straw the broke the camels back and that this is the icing on the cake for her belief that all men are evil and that the only good man is a dead one. I have tried to tell her that I am moving on with my life and the pain that this abuse has caused me, but her acting like this is only causing me to be in more pain. The only reason I told her was because my therapist told me I had to in order to move on and when I told my mom that her only response was "didn't the therapist think how this would make me feel". I feel like she doesn't really care that it happened to me, more that it happened to HER child. The other factor is that my father cannot know about what happened because if he did he would most likely disown my brother and that is not what I want, I just wanted to be able to tell someone about what happened to me, but now my mother is raving about how men are evil and my father doesn't know what is going on, he just thinks that she is mad at him, but now she won't even let him sleep in their room, she is making him sleep on the couch. I don't know what to do, my father and her have always had problems and now recently they had seemed to be able to resolve them. Now with my bringing up this I fear that I have destroyed all the progress they had made in their relationship. confused

The reason my mom is angry at my dad though is because when she confronted my brother on the phone for why he did what he did to me, my brother gave the reason of my fathers physical abuse on him. My father in his younger days used to be very controlling and often violent with my brother, but now he isn't. He has said sorry to all of us and we have moved on from that and my mother has even forgiven him. But my brother used this abuse as a reason for why he did what he did to me. My mother is now practically placing the blame on my father.

I don't know what I should have done, my therapist told me that it would help with my recovery if I told my parents, and now all that it seems to have done is make things worse, only because of my mothers reaction, at first I was proud of myself and felt that it finally had lost it's power over me, when she was nice and supportive in the very beginning. But now, all she can do is rave about how men are evil and should all be dead. I can't help but think that she doesn't care about the pain that I am in. I told her that her raving on like that only served to cause me more pain but she said in an accusatory tone "What you want me to be an actress? All that silence will only serve to make me sick and die." I feel like it was the wrong decision to tell her what happened to me because it feels like she didn't care. Sometimes I think she doesn't care. I know that she loves me, but with this recent development it only seems to be that she is selfish and that she doesn't care that it happened to me, but rather she cares that I told her and that it only served to back up her theory that men are evil. The thing that is really getting to me is that she is blaming my therapist for this when it was my brother who committed the actual act, thats why I feel like she doesn't care, it is in the fact that she places the blame on the person who told me to tell her. I just feel so alone and scared like I did back when I was young. My mothers reaction to it has brought back a lot of the pain and anguish that I had felt melt away for the brief amount of time before she freaked out.

Has anyone else had an experience like this?
 
Reason for Edit:
 
I have taken 2 lines out of this post for violation of #12 (If it shouldn’t be viewed by minors, then it shouldn’t be posted to the forums or chat rooms.) I have tried to take as little out as possible so that the post still makes sense and I have not attempted to reword anything. If you want to email me regarding this, there is a link (Envelope Icon) on the left.
 

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 6/13/2007 4:08:09 AM (GMT-6)


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/13/2007 3:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,
 
I cannot begin to imagine how much pain this is causing as I have no direct experience myself. I was very touched by your story. I think the main thing is to remember that none of this is your fault. You are not to blame for anything, including the repercussions(sp) of the revelation. The reason your mum is reacting like this may be because she is unsure how she should react or maybe because there is an underlying feeling of guilt etc... Please remember this is only my opinion and is no substitute for proper qualified advise / councelling. When you see your therapist, is it possible for you mum to go with you for a session to help sort things out? Maybe your mum needs someone to talk to as well and is unsure who to turn to. It sounds like you have done the right thing in speaking out as this will pave the road for healing, but the road was never going to be easy and this will improve over time. Keep talking to your mum and maybe have a conversation about whats bothering her?
 
I would love to hear how you get on.
 
Best Wishes
 
Darren
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ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/13/2007 4:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Howlplath

First of all I want to welcome you to the forum,I am VERY glad that you found us and I know you will find the support you are looking for.
Ok,a little background here. When I was 12 I was sexually molested by one of my mother's boyfriends. It lasted until I ran away at the age of 15. It was violent and he told me that if I ever told anyone he would kill my family. So of course I believed him.
I had children,and the nightmares haunted me..I finally had to tell my mom. We had never been close,and I still blame her for most of my horrid past. But, I told her when I was 21..and instead of her just simply saying "I am sorry" she went on a rant about how much it hurt her,that she tried to be a good mom ect ect. I still have not gotten over the anger of that conversation.

Your mom is angry because she feels helpless. She does not know how to react.
She might be blaming it on your father because in her mind he is the man of the house and he should have protected you.
Now,I am confused on the part to where your brother is still walking around?
If he is going to hurt his own sister,what is he going to do with his own children? or a neighbors child?

That is something that you and your family need to think about.

Now,I think that your father needs to know what happened. He needs to understand why your mom is so angry,and why you are having so many problems. If he disowns your brother..who cares! The man is not in prison so not having his father speak to him is getting off easy.

Is there anyway that you can get your mom into therapy with you? You can explain to your doctor what your mom's reaction was,and then the next session bring your mom in. That way you have a 3rd party that can help explain things to your mom.

You never get over the pain. It is simple as that. But,you do learn how to not think about it everyday.

Stay strong,and remember that we are always here for you.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
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Dansky
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Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 2844
   Posted 6/13/2007 2:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Howl.plath,

I really don't know what to say except Shy has given you some excellent advice, please think carefully about what she has said.

HealingWell is a place full of caring, understanding and supportive people who are here to listen to you and try to help you get through whatever you are feeling.

Take care.

Dave
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stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 6/14/2007 4:15 PM (GMT -7)   
If I may play armchair therapist here for a moment, perhaps I can offer a mother's perspective.

When my kids were very very young some of the neighborhood boys molested my 7 year old son and told him that all boys do this and that it was the right thing for him to do. He did molest our daughter, his sister. We found out when CPS came to the door as someone had reported our son. In my view both my son and daughter are victims in this situation. I sat my 7 year old son down and told him the facts of life. He was devistated when he found out that all kids don't behave this way and that brothers and sisters don't behave this way. It has effected him all of his life. We went to counselling for him and talked to the counsellor about our daughter. At the time we were advised to leave it alone as long as she was not afraid of our son and she did not bring it up herself. My kids are now in the later years of college and I can tell you that this is a lifelong issue for ALL parties involved.

When my daughter was a teen she was very depressed. She has always been a very quiet kid (even before) so it was not unusual that she was quiet during those years. She saw two different therapists over a 6 year period. We told both of them what had happened, let them know that we wanted help in talking to Daugher about this and both of them advised to just let it go as long as she didn't bring it up. Get that, 3 mental health professionals advised us not to bring it up. When she was 19 everything crashed in on her. We were able to talk around the issue and I was able to talk to my son. Daughter and Son have talked and forgiven but Daughter is still dealing with the effects. Son has a fabulous girlfriend who has helped him to forgive himself and get some perspective on the situation as an adult. Son is also seeing a therapist.

As a mom, when something like this happens no matter what you do, you always second guess yourself. My son actually gave me the best advice. He said that this issue is so tabu that no one knows how to talk about it and even today professionals don't know how to handle it. We did the best that we knew how to, sought the advise of "experts" over and over again and we still ended up in this situation.

For me the pain is that I am her mother and I was supposed to keep her safe. I was supposed to keep my son safe. How do I forgive myself for this? You don't expect the danger to come from within and when it does it is tough to deal with. I have a lot of pain watching her pain and knowing that now she has to find her own way and there is nothing I can do. I am sure that Daughter has no feeling of bondedness to our family and there is pain in that too.

I can't comment on your parent's relationship but I would put money on the idea that your mom is struggling with not being able to keep you safe. You also have to remember that this issue takes a lot of time to settle in and resolve. It takes people a long time to figure out how to react, how to behave and how they feel. You have had that time to sort through some of that, your mom has just found out and it is like a smack in the face in the way it hits you. I assume that in time she will be able to sort out all the pieces of this, and there are many different pieces. Right now all the pieces are hitting her at once. Give both of you time to take the next steps.
Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony

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