Hi there my name is natasha im 24, I believe i have been suffering for some sort of depression/anxiety since I was around 8 years old through seeing my dad beat up my mum and split up. Then my mum went a bit mad and had quite a few one night stands and kept going back to her exs who beat her up blah blah blah. I also lost my mum in 2000 she had cancer. It has kind of made me not scared of relationships but very very precise in how I want it to be which causes tension, and I didnt have an interest in sex til very late on (it still is an issue). I always had a feeling from a very young age that i was different or not the same as everyone else (if you know what I mean)I went to a psycologist (2003?)but everything I was told I aready knew. It has helped a lot tho because I couldnt keep a job long enough but now ive improved with work and have just completed my first year at college.
I have my usual bad days and it effects my relationship with my boyfriend because i can go very quiet and it upsets him. I cry a lot and I dont show enough affection to my boyfriend even though I really want to just go over and kiss him...its a horrible feeling.
I think to myself "im never gonna be happy" and i know its wrong but ive thought that for so long now that its hard to change.
College is good for me it is one thing I wrk very hard at. I dont have many college friends but there is one girl that is really nice. my best friend moved down to wales and i can only keep in contact by phone. Sometimes I feel I have nobody and I feel a burden to people.
Im off for the summer hols at the mo and im starting to feel down in the dumps a bit, I dont know what to do with myself and ive already cancelled my driving lesson.
When i went to the psyc., he said that i was setting my goals to high e.g. moving house isnt happening overnight. but i have stopped that now and i do feel more stable but its always there making me sad.
any advice would be much appreciated