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#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 6/16/2007 2:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Well not a clue what to name this post so i named it me...............
 
I am having days feeling more depressed than others.
I try to keep myself busy but it dont last.  I dont know maybe i am weak.
 
Trying to keep my feelings to myself and i know i should not, but just fed up with going on about it.
 
Have had a few (well more than a few) days of having a good drink.  Yeah your right, alcohol.
 
I know what you are all going to say that it is a depressant.  At the moment  dont know what else to do.  Its getting me by at the end of the day. 
 
Maybe i am a waste of time, cant seem to get that thought out of my head.  Maybe thats because its right.
 
Love you all
 
Angel   (yeah right) xxxxxxxxxx
 
 
           Love and hugs
 
             # Angel#
 
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/16/2007 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
mad  Angel~
I know 110% what you are saying and you know that!  I have been having a really hard time lately as well and there are days when I am sure that I am having non-stop anxiety attacks because I am so overwhelmed with everything in my life.  I dont know why I hold on other than one or two reasons that seem to be enough to hope for a new day.  As far as having a drink, I know they say it is a depressant.  Oh well, right?  I am assuming that you are not an alcoholic and tend to drink to pass the time during these days, well I do the same thing.  I love to have a glass of wine on may occasions.  One because it tastes good and two it brings back memories of special times in my life. 
 
I cant really give you any good advice othe than too hold on to the thing(s) that got you through today.  My remedy is this: tomorrow could be the day that all your dreams come true.
 
Silly,,,,,,,I know but I'm still here.
 
I will pray for you Angel, you know I care.
Teresa

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van ****
 
" I would rather have one smell of his hair or one touch of his hand than an eternity without it."
Unknown


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/16/2007 11:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there Angel,
 
I certainly dont think you are weak and a waste of time. If you were weak, I dont think you would continue to post on HW and we all love to hear from you. In reference to letting your feelings out, your right that they have to come out but who's to say it has to be another person? Have you tried talking to dolls etc...? I know it sounds mad but its a release for you and you can tell them anything and you know they wont tell! By doing that, you may then find it easier to talk to other people. Its just a thought. Guve it a try, what have you got to lose if it doesnt work? RE: Alcohol... Drinking isnt a bad thing but dont mistake it for an answer. It only camoflages the problem. There is nothing wrong with drinking... Hey, I have a pint most nights but just dont over-do it.
 
If you keep placing one foot in front of the other, eventually you get to where you want to be.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/17/2007 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   

Angel,

"Go up high on that mountain".............a big job but you have the guts to get there and I am pushing you from behind.

You are worthy and you have to start believing that.  Right now you have a fixed negative frame of mind about some aspect of yourself.

We are here to help you turn that around and make you feel good and positive about yourself and your mothering skills.

You are a devoted friend and when you crash we will help you get back up.
 
The drinking, you know what I will say.........please don't.  The cure is not in the bottle sweetie, the cure is in you.
 
I support you and love you so don't worry, be happy yeah .  I will help you continue to take the baby steps.  Leave yesterday in the past and start each day as a new day.
 
(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
 
Mum
Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/17/2007 8:50 PM (GMT -7)   
yeah  WELL SAID KITT, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU ANGEL!!!!!!!
Teresa

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van ****
 
" I would rather have one smell of his hair or one touch of his hand than an eternity without it."
Unknown


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 6/22/2007 2:49 PM (GMT -7)   

Well i have been really down lately and have been hiding myself away in bed.  I know its not the best thing to do but it was all i could do to keep myself safe and still here.

Anyway i am just crying and crying at the moment.  The tears wont stop.

I had to take my daughter to her dancing presentation night and it lasted 3 hour, it was awful i felt like a nervous wreck and was shaking inside.  The dancing was really good and she won some competitions.

But it was absolute torture for me.  We came home and as soon as we came in the door my kids started arguing and i lost it with them, i was not in the best of moods.

I am a mess, i dont think i can explain how i am feeling.  I will try.

My tears wont stop flowing, i am hurting so much inside, i just dont want to go on.  Even though i went tonight i feel like i have let my daughter down as i was sitting there feeling the way i was, i should have been happy for her.

I feel bad about the arguement with my son whe we got in as i shouted right at him,  I should know by now it does not help and just makes things worse.  I even went to smack him, but didnt.  I sound like such an evil person.  Im not honestly, just desperate!!

At times i get really impulsive thoughts that i just want to end it all and have even planned how it will happen, but then i realise that i could not do that to my kids.

But how do you cope with the fact that if it was not for your kids then you would not exist anymore.  And also the feeling of not wanting to be around never really goes away.  Dont get me wrong i love my kids sooo much but i am struggling each day so they wont suffer.

So what i want does not count,  i dont want my kids to have to cope with loosing there mother.  And because of that i am struggling every day.  I cant make sense of anything right now.

Sorry to go on.


           Love and hugs
 
             # Angel#
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/22/2007 8:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Angel,

I think you are just drained after your 3 hours out but you made it, even if you felt anxious, your went and you stayed.

Look at the upside of that!  What a great accomplishment and how proud you must be of your beautiful daughter?

Remember we have talked about staying in the moment and now the recital is over so leave it in the past and don't dwell on how you might have done better, celebrate how well you did in just going.

Please do not give  up and learn to live for you, your not just here for your children.  Your here for yourself so try and work your way up out of that hiding in bed................you can and you will do it.

Remember we are here for you and ramble when you need to but stay safe.

Bless you Angel...........((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/23/2007 12:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Angel,
 
You don't sound like an evil person to me. There are people out there who do much worse... they are evil. (IMO) I agree with skitt. You should be really proud of you and your daughter. Yourself for making yourself do things you dont want to when you could have taken the easy route, and your daughter for her wonderful performance and winning the competitions. Staying in the moment is good advice. The past cannot be changed, but we can learn from it. The next time you have the same situation with your son, you will be able to react in a more positive way because of your past experiences. (Although naughty boys do desereve a good telling off!)
 
Its not about how many times you fall off the horse, its the fact that you manage to get back on.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 6/23/2007 6:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi and thanks for your replies.
 
I am trying to stay in the moment, but that is proving hard, i am trying though.
 
I am physically and emotionally tired.  My kids are non stop arguing, there is just no let up.
My son wont go out of the house.  My daughter has lots of friends but when she is not doing anything with them then she cannot amuse herself and constantly demands attention from me and does nothing but moan and whine.
I feel i am slowly cracking up.  I tried to talk to my friend this morning, i phoned her and just burst into tears and started to talk with her but she had to go as she was busy.
Theres no one else that i trust to talk to and just have a good old cry with so i will cry on my own like usual.
 
I thinking what is wrong with me?  I am so miserable and at the moment i cant even go an hour without bursting into tears.
 
Spoke with my SW yesturday and she asked when my next therapy session was, it is next week but i said is that even worth it?  She said yes, it definatly is.
But is it really?  i mean i am finding it so hard and just dont know what to do anymore.
 
At the moment i feel like a lost, upset and confused little girl.  Does that make sense?
 
I know i am just going on again.  But maybe this is the thing i need to do.
 
xx
           Love and hugs
 
             # Angel#
 
 


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 6/23/2007 6:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Dearest Angel,

So sorry to hear you've been through so much. My heart truly aches for you. You're doing the best you can. I know it seems hopeless but do you think you could write down one good thing that happened in your life each day.

You can write to your heart's content here if your comfortable.

I have been where you are and calling friends when your crying sometimes works if the friend is comfortable with talking to you or they may just feel so bad that they don't know what to say.  I am sure if your friend had to go it was legitimate and she was not blowing you off.

We are here 24/7 and we know where your coming from. yeah

I believe it would be in your best interest to continue therapy but perhaps there is a chance you could request a female counseler if your not comfortable with the male.  I am sure after knowing you he would understand. But you must make the final decision so think carefully.

You have good friends, here and other places. Good friends will be there through everything. (((Hugs)))


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/24/2007 7:03 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  Angel~
WOW, i didnt realize how bad you were feeling.  I know that it is hard with summer here and the kids being under your feet every minute of the day.  I know how it is but maybe mine is the same but a little different.
 
I dont know if I went in too length or even said anything about my daughter with behavioral problems. Well she was gone for a year and just came back to me 3 weeks ago.  Since that time, my 6 year old son is on summer break and home every day.  At least I had every other weekend for my "sanity".  Well needless to say I have NO time for myself now!  I have no family to help me with my 13 year old daughter so even on my weekends that my son goes with his dad, she is here. 
 
I try to deal with this but it is really hard.  I am not used to having constant time without a break.  They fight, nitpick with each other all the time and I find myself yelling and cussing.
 
Hang tough Angel and know that you can email me anytime.
 
I have been really depressed and have only one outlet that brings me peace and that outlet is few and far between.
 
Stay strong and keep the faith.
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
 
" Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery
 
" Tonight I sent an angel to watch over you, but it came back. When I asked why, it told me that angels don't watch over other angels."
Unknown


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 6/24/2007 11:58 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for your replies.
 
Teresa you sound like a lovely person and i might take up up on the emailing.
Kitt well, you are a lovely person aswell, i have told you that before but thought i would tell you again.
 
Summer WAS here, i dont know whats happened to it.  It is raining hard and windy outside, really dull.
 
The kids dont break up for school holidays until about the middle of July.  They have another 4 weeks left at school i think.  Then the nightmare begins....................
           Love and hugs
 
             # Angel#
 
 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/24/2007 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds like your summer is as good as mine! I am from Portsmouth, South UK and its poiuring here. Is there a summer school scheme near you where you can send the kids during the summer? Im not talking about rigid classes but like a fun activity centre thing. My mum used to send me and my sister to one over the summer. It was great, but I think they are starting to fizzle out due to a lack of popularity.
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 6/24/2007 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Wow a fellow UK.
I am from brighton, thats why our weather is the same Lol.....
 
My daughter does holiday activities but my son cannot cope with it due to the way he is.  So i get a break from one.
 
Angel
           Love and hugs
 
             # Angel#
 
 

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