So Down and Heartbroken

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faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/17/2007 10:32 PM (GMT -7)   
I know it is so late but this is how my nights are.  My days are so long and then I beg sleep to take over so that all the thoughts and feelings go away at least for one more day.  My life as I know it is at its lowest.  In 42 years, I have never experienced the depth of despair that I feel on a daily basis.  I have some "medical" health issues right now. I live each day only to go to bed at night wondering what purpose I had today.  Please guys, dont answer this post saying that there are things in life to live for, I already know that but you know I get tired of living for those things.  When does living feel like living.  I dont live, I suck air.  I have often thought about having my family admit me to a longterm facility and let them sedate me so that the world can pass me by without me knowing it. 
 
I dont think anyone knows the despair that I experience every day.  I swear, it feels like a constant anxiety attack every minute of the day.  Those of you that have anxiety attacks, CAN YOU IMAGINE LIVING EVERY DAY LIKE THAT?!
 
It sucks!!!!!
 
There are few things in my life that even make me smile or feel happy anymore and I may never have them again.  If I knew for sure that I would have to do without them ever again, I would be on my way to the hospital right now looking forward to a long "awake" sleep for the rest of my life.
 
I JUST WISH SOMEONE REALLY KNEW HOW BAD THIS IS REALLY!!!!!!!!!
 
I remember those days of happiness and times when I laughed so hard I thought I would cry.  I cant remember the last time that I laughed so hard that I cried.
 
I just cry now, cry, cry, cry  all the time every day. 
 
I try so hard to keep my faith and I do by my actions and behavior but I am dying inside for the chance to show everyone that loves me that I am trust worthy and loveable. 
 
I am so sad.
 
" I've changed so much. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and from that I've grown. I guess that's what happens."
Unknown
 
" Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."
Unknown
 

" Someday never really comes, does it?"
Unknown

Reason for edit:

Im sorry that I have had to take a couple of parts out of your post. (See Rule #1 & Rule #10: http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=46&m=106997) I have left as much in as I can but the context of the discussion was too graphic. I will email you further details. Feel free to email me if want to discuss this.

Post Edited By Moderator (djdaz_1985) : 6/18/2007 5:17:06 AM (GMT-6)


Korissa
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2006
Total Posts : 337
   Posted 6/18/2007 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,  tried to send you and email, but itwouldn't go.
 
Wanted to tell you more in an email.
 
I'm leaving in a while to go to a friends cabin until
Thursday. My heart is not in going, but myabe it will help a alittle being away. I'm trying to make a real estate decision  and I am stressed doing this alone. I wish that certain person was doing this with me.
 
I, too, have a chronic illness, but seem to be getting better despite this chronic stress and heartbreak.
 
I wish I had more time to go into detail about how similar we are. But hang in there and keep busy until later in the week.
 
I'll check to see if the internet is available anywhere up there.

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/18/2007 8:07 AM (GMT -7)   
nono  I am not sure why some of this was edited but I respect your right to do what you feel necessary.  What I wanted to get across here is not only the feelings of despair that I was experiencing but the fact that although my life is extremely trying, suicide WAS NOT an issue and that I dont advocate it but simply state that when there are feelings of hopelessness when you wish for other ways of dealing with the pain.  Mine is too live everyday hoping that tomorrow is the day that my faith and reality come full circle.
 
I apologize for any misunderstanding.
 
K~ I got your email sweety, thanks :)
Teresa

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van ****
 
" I would rather have one smell of his hair or one touch of his hand than an eternity without it."
Unknown


christycheri924
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 35
   Posted 6/18/2007 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
faithfully4you,

I don't know what it feels like to be in despair for months on end, but for two months I had a panic attack everday and cried for hours on end. I would just sit in the dark all day weeping and would eventually have a panic attack right before bed and literally thought that I was entering into insanity. I was at rock bottom and all hope was lost.

Finally I just released all the pain to God because I just couldn't bear it anymore. Right now, I am hanging in there and am trying not to spiral back to the dark place.

Nothing that I can say will help you magically come out of your dark experience, but I will just encourage you to find some sort of support group that is willing to be there for you, talk to God about your pain, and keep telling yourself that this state you are in will not be forever.

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/18/2007 1:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there Faithfully,

I am glad that you have been so understanding about the edit. I emailed you a more thorough reason because I thought it was polite to. I hope things start to get better for you. Whether its through meds or councillor, I hope you find the comfort you seek.

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/18/2007 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Faithfully
YES I can and do understand the despair the feelings you are describing
I had lost mom over a yr ago to complications with her lungs and Alzheimers

I lost my first hubby at an early age and left with 2 young sons ages 2 and 4 .........

I lost my 2 yr old to Pnuemonia and pluerisy his lungs just collapsed he was 6 at the time

Caits dad passed away in 2002 from drinking and diabetes with other serious complications ......

I went into such a black whole for quite some time and I never ever thought I would get " me back " I had to have Cait leave early for school afraid of what I may do not to her or me just to anything
I got on the phone to doc and was in his office withing 15 minutes

I lierally was lost no I would not even think of ending my life I ahve seen and felt the pain ppl go thru firsthand for many of those I loved so deeply

I just want you to know that yes ppl are hearing you '
AND they do see and read / feel the despair and hell you are living right now

I had to get it together first for me and then for Cait and my dad who I also look after ( alzheimers)

YES you are going thru some things that ppl will not understand but give us a chance to help you out .......

PPL are LISTENING
Support is here .........

LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Co Mod ..Crohns Forum
Moderator .......A/P Forum
Moderator ....Alzheimers Forum 
 
DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
Take my Hand ...I will WALK with you
 
When the GOING gets TOUGH..The TOUGH get GOING 
 
 God Bless All
 
LYN    
                                  


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 6/19/2007 10:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,

I really wish that there was some magic word or suggestion that I could make to lift the horrible weight you have on you right now. It's very different (as you know) seeing the state you are in from a completely opposite perspective. I have never had the level of despair that you are experiencing, but I've been mildly depressed and even that state skewed my view of the world. I can only imagine how things are from your point of view. I suppose that's the only thing that I can offer you - if you can (even for a moment) remember being on the outside of this. Remember how it felt being "above the fog" or even looking at someone else's hard time when you were not in this. Maybe that can provide you some comfort that you had been in a better place and that you will be there again some day - of that I have no doubt. It's just very, very hard to hear that right now and I do get that.

I am thinking about you (as I'm sure everyone else here is doing) and sending you good thoughts and as much strength as I can possibly send. I hope that you are seeking some professional help (nothing wrong with that, we all need some help sometimes) to at least get yourself lifted up a bit. I also hope that you don't think that I'm trivializing your situation. I would never in a million years tell you that the reason for your feelings aren't valid. We all respond to things differently and I'm not in a position to belittle your scenario in any way. I suppose that I'm just saying that while your feelings ARE valid, life is full of changes. Whether or not things eventually work out for you and him, you'll survive and thrive again. It may be a completely different life and that's fair to say, but it won't end all hope for happiness for you. Change is constant and change can be very, very good in the long run - it's just too difficult to see or admit that when you are IN it. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Take care of yourself and feel free to Email me any time - seriously.

Rick...

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/19/2007 5:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement.  I have days where I dont think I can go any further and then I have days like yesterday where I wish I could make time stand still!! These are the days that keep me holding it together when I think I cant do anymore.
 
I know people suffer different magnitudes and that everyone's pain is different but I think we all share the common wound that depression has given us.
 
I thank you guys for your prayers and cares, they really do mean alot!!!!
 
 
 
" I get by with a little help from my friends."
John Lennon

Teresa

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van ****
 
" I would rather have one smell of his hair or one touch of his hand than an eternity without it."
Unknown


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 6/20/2007 3:49 AM (GMT -7)   
I am really happy that u see and know we are here for you
keep sharing and posting
'We will help where we can and where we are able always

LYN


God BLess
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Co Mod ..Crohns Forum
Moderator .......A/P Forum
Moderator ....Alzheimers Forum 
 
DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
Take my Hand ...I will WALK with you
 
When the GOING gets TOUGH..The TOUGH get GOING 
 
 God Bless All
 
LYN    
                                  


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/14/2007 12:49 AM (GMT -7)   
mad  Wow~
I guess you could say that this is still the way I feel!  Never really realized how awful my life truly is until I read some of my posts.  How do I make it day to day?  I cant believe the strength that promises and faith give you!
 
Are they enough, I just pray that they are!!!!
Teresa
 
" So hold her closer when she cries, hold her closer when she feels she needs a hand to hold, someone who will never let her go again. And hold him closer when he tries to hold the tears back from his eyes. Don't say goodbye."
Song: Hold Her Closer
Blessid Union of Souls
 
 
" True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained."
Unknown


#Angel#
Regular Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 7/14/2007 2:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there
 
I struggle day in and day out with depression.  At times it just takes over my life and i feel i cant go on.  But somehow i do.
 
I am not going to go on about myself on your post but please keep talking to us as its better out than in.
 
Take care and thinking of you.
 
 
           Love and hugs
 
             # Angel#
 
 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/14/2007 5:33 AM (GMT -7)   

Sometimes when we re-read our posts they can be quite a shock since we are in a different frame of mind. All I can say is that you have a lot of strength inside you Teresa and you provide a lot of support to others like many others on here. There is a light at the end of the tunnell. That I can promise. What I cant guarantee is how long the tunnel is. You have such positivity and thats great to see

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/14/2007 6:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys for all the replies~
Unfortunately the shock i get from rereading my posts are that my life never seems to be good.  I have moments or blessings here and there but generally my life as a whole is miserable.
 
How have i made it this far, i guess even until today I still hold out hope that God speaks to those that mean the most to my recovery!!  At this point in time, I feel that those I need the most are not able for whatever reason but my life needs healing.
 
thanks for caring.
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown

Teresa
 
" So hold her closer when she cries, hold her closer when she feels she needs a hand to hold, someone who will never let her go again. And hold him closer when he tries to hold the tears back from his eyes. Don't say goodbye."
Song: Hold Her Closer
Blessid Union of Souls
 
 
" True goodbyes are the ones never said or explained."
Unknown


stronglady4me
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 470
   Posted 7/15/2007 10:23 PM (GMT -7)   

Faithfully4you - I have thought about this for a long long time and am still not sure that I am going to say this correctly.  None of us can look for external things to "make" us happy.  That happiness has to come from within.  I know what a struggle that is when we are depressed but it is nontheless true.  The best way that I have found to "get out" of the funk that depression brings is to look to helping others.  The joy I have in doing this is one of the things that makes it possible to heal from within and have hope for a brighter future.  I personally foster kittens for a local animal shelter.  It was easy to start, didn't require me to be highly social at a time that I was having difficulty with other people and the extra love from sweet little babies that needed someone to take care of them was pretty welcome.  The only thing that was difficult is giving them back but that also has a pay off.  It taught my son and daughter that acceptance and loss are not the end of the world.  That there is joy in watching someone else's success and knowing that you had a part of it. 

I know fostering is not possible for everyone but what I am saying is that I think it is possible for everyone to find something meaningful to do that helps them to not focus on their own problems/challenges 24/7 and also gives them a way to celebrate something good about themselves. 

Hang in there as I know you have been doing.


Stronglady4me
Walk in harmony


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/16/2007 10:33 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  Stronglady4me~
I understand what you are trying to say and I want to respond to that.
I do believe that happiness comes from within.  What i disagree with is that the external things in life play a huge role in the ability to find "harmony" within.
The reason I say this is because you can have a positive attitude and work on understanding why you think or act as you do but ultimately, the external things in life are the reasons in some cases that people feel about themselves.  It gets even harder when you have the depression because most of your thoughts are negative anyway.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I think that I am doing ok for as depressed as I have been.  The issues in my life are not zapping my faith or strength which I feel are the real cornerstones in being ok with yourself because if it werent for those two well.........
I am very sad and no matter how much faith and strength i have, I am still sad!  My world is a disaster so how could I be content and happy.  That would require me to wear the mask I speak of in my poem and believe me I do that enough to cover my sad and depressed face when I am around others.  In doing that, I am exhaused so I tend to not go out around people unless I am feeling that I can wear the face for a little while.  I am not a superwoman although I wish I were so that I could say "you know my world is a piece of crap but I am a happy girl!"  Cant do it, I know some people can and how I envy them.
 
I just dont think anyone knows how truly involved I am with my depression and how hard I try to self help myself, I know what I should feel but once agan those are people that may not understand what i go through and that I am not able to just say, although my life is falling apart, I am ok with that.
 
I dont know, just really sad.
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/17/2007 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi faithfully,

You wrote:
I just dont think anyone knows how truly involved I am with my depression and how hard I try to self help myself, I know what I should feel but once agan those are people that may not understand what i go through and that I am not able to just say, although my life is falling apart, I am ok with that.
 
IMHO, I think there are many members here that have been through or are going through the same as  you.  I was so sad for a year that I just sat and cried and waited for bedtime to just get up and do it again. I had hit the bottom and my despair was so deep that I begged my husband every night to help me.
 
All I could think was I would be like that for the rest of my life and why?
 
With medications and lots of therapy I got better, no I did not return to the person I was before as she is in the past now, but I am a new me, more aware of my feelings and how to hang on when I hit bumps.
 
I still cry on a bad day but then I get back up and fight.
 
I pray you will find help and that you will find your way out of the dark and into the sunshine.
 
Special hugs.

Respectfully
Kitt
 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*

Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/18/2007 4:10 PM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Thanks Kitt~
I am having some good days (my good days are days where i dont cry).  I have been having alot of anxiety attacks, and they are awful!  I am going to a new doctor and i will tell him, i know that they prescribe harsh drugs like haldol.  We will see.
 
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/18/2007 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey there,

I am so proud of you, Teresa,  and glad to hear you are going to the physician. Be sure to have he/she go over the drugs with you and ask what the withdrawal sx are?

My pdoc is great about writing it down and making a plan as well as sharing the side effects and withdrawal.  I chose not to take 2 different drugs due to the information she shared with me.

We are right here for you so enjoy your good days and make it through the bad times. You have true grit.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))



Respectfully
Kitt
 
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*

Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
______________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

Post Edited (stkitt) : 7/18/2007 6:03:23 PM (GMT-6)


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/18/2007 6:47 PM (GMT -7)   
When I am struggling and depression is hitting me hard I have this little thing I say in my head --   JUST KEEP BREATHING. I say it to myself as many times as I need to until I am through whatever it is. I distract myself with any thing I can just so I can get my mind out of the rut it is in. I have read many of your posts and I have a lot of faith in you. I want you to try to have a little faith in your self. You can beet this. yeah

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/20/2007 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  Thank you so much for the genuine caring I feel when I read your replies!  I really do mean it!!  I usually am feeling like a nothing then I read a post and it brings tears to my eyes because someone actually sees my worth.
I am having an extremely difficult time right now and I am really considering some drastic changes in my life.  Not that!  You know I am like a shell that is so hollow that you wonder what it feels like to have any emotions at all.
 
Again thanks for all your encouragement, it does make my day a little brighter!
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown

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