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beau_beau
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/20/2007 6:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi I’m beau I’m 18 nearly 19... well I have had depression for almost 8 years now and this is the first thing I’m doing about getting better. Well talking about it. 1st I’m not a drama queen or looking for attention just want clear that up.

Well this all started when I was 5. I was molested by my uncle so was my brother and sister as I’m the youngest child. We went home and told mum and dad n they went over and hurt him, the next day the police came around our house telling us that he did something bad to himself.

Then when I was 8 and my parents were on the edge of breaking up they would come home off the head drunk or high. Then eventually leading to them fighting my stories at school where like (on the weekend mummy went to hospital) and the other way the next weekend they broke up.When I was about 8 1/2 and I didn’t understand why my mum got custody of us and dad went some where.

Mum had a abusive boyfriend who would hit her constantly.I remember at night hiding under my bed crying wishing it would stop.My brother is 5 years older then me and he was 13 .Mum told him she hated him and kicked him out one night when she was drunk.

After he left I would come home from school finding mum passed out on the couch with needles around her most of the time. They broke up and I went to live with my dad. He lives 400ks away and my brother and me were with him for about 6 months. Everything seemed to be good but he came home at about 4 or 5 in the morning and kicked us out because we didn’t have money for him to go back drinking.
My brother and I walked about 4ks with our bags what felt like they weighed a ton. We walked to our aunt’s house we stayed there for a while. Then mum came and picked me up. Mum had another boyfriend when I got back he was a ******** he would kick boxes at my sisters and threaten to hurt us if we told anyone they were growing drugs. I was about 13 now and she was still with him. The usual would happen.. They get drunk fight pass out and do it all again the next day.

We told my brother and he told our dad. They came around one Saturday night. Mums boyfriends name was Steve. He was about 5'6 n pretty solid .My brother and dad are sticks really.
Steve and my dad got into a fight. It was pretty bad.
The police came and took Steve dad and my brother mum packed the car and we went and slept down the river.
He left her a few days later and we were living with mum. She would go missing for days at a time.
I started high school by then and making friends was pretty had, as I didn’t know how to talk to anyone really.
I done year 8 at one school and then moved schools within the first week.
I had a few friends. My only friend I had pretty much all my life and still Is. went there I had a few mates eventually I settled in and it seemed all good but I basically became an alcoholic I started drinking on the weekends then after school then before school.

Some mates would say I was spaced out I was confused inside at this point I think its when I really felt depressed I would think people hated me or were out to get me all the time over nothing even the nicest people I thought were gonna get me. I just felt so crap and didn’t know how to cope with anything I would take things the wrong way and get mad, through this I lost some good mates though it seems I’m better off with none.
I started year 11 and it was the usual I would be in a group of people but most of the time I would sit alone or play hacky sack I felt I didn’t belong there or anywhere. I would go and get drunk with mates and have to leave because I would think about crap and get all sad and quiet. I had a gf by now, and mum kicked me out I was 16.So I moved in with her.
She seemed great but we fell apart .Her dad was a carpet layer and I quit school and worked with him.
I did that for 2 years .Then me and his daughter broke up she told me she cheated on me a few times and it just killed me.
Then there was a party with a few kids out of town and there was a car crash, well more like a hit run thing there were 5 kids I think hit.
I didn’t know them all though I played football with one and I went to school with another .I had a crush on her in year 8 this shattered me it shattered everyone. The mates were camping and they drove drunk the crashed the car and one was killed. He was a really good kid would help anyone had everything set up just was doing great for him self. Sadly he died, and I didn’t know him that well though he was a good kind,
Loving person who shouldn’t have died.
I remember just having days when I would lock my self in my room and not talk or eat for 2-3 days at a time .I just felt sick inside. Well these days I barely have any mates and I barely talk to anyone quit drinking a few weeks ago due to a kidney infection and stone, I haven’t cut my self in a while but I have came close to it. It feels like no matter what I do I won’t make it in life like I wont survive. Mmm I’m pretty sick of writing, I might write some more soon sorry about the spelling.



I went through your post and helped you with the spelling and making paragraphs so it would be easier to read.
Darren and I had to edit alot of your post out. I am sorry but there was alot of talk to violence ect and we have to be careful as there are alot of younger people that come to this site.


Shy

Post Edited (beau_beau) : 9/3/2008 3:22:59 PM (GMT-6)


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/20/2007 6:29 AM (GMT -7)   
confused  Beau~
First welcome to the forum, you have found a place where reaching out is more than welcome!! I also want to say that I am not sure if our mods have had a chance to read your post but you are speaking of suicide and very raw things!!!  Please if you feel this bad, get help now.  Know that talking of suicide and homicidal tendencies will only be edited here so not to deter you away from here, you will not be able to post those raw feelings..........................however, please know that this is a very caring group of people that want you to lay out how you feel but at the same time we worry about you and can only help you this way!!  That puts us in an awkward situations with hearing what you are saying because ultimately we cant be there to thwart what actions you may be voicing here!!!!  Let us help you, but you must first get EMERGENCY HELP WHEN FEELINGS SUCH ARE IN YOUR POST ARE ACTIVE!!!
 
I cannot possible fathom what you have been through!!!  WOW!  We all have our own demons and issues that bring us to our knees, so I cannot say I know what you feel, but I can say that what you are feeling is very real and needs to be addressed.  I guess I was so concerned with some of your post that I neglected to see if you are getting help or are under the care of a doc.  If not, seek it immediately!  I know that because you see I have had the very feelings you have and have actually done the unthinkable, so I can tell you that without reaching out to someone with everything I was going through, I would not be able to say I would be here today.  Having said that, you are young and getting treatment now is a MUST!!!!  I am 42 and if I would have been able to get the advice of others like you are getting, I would have maybe handled my depression better or I should say managed it better.
 
Your views are welcome here and it is imperative that you get help immediately!!  Keep posting and let us know what we can do.  I know it is hard not to say what you are feeling within guidelines but what you have to understand as I have on many occasions, our forum is a place where we can help to a certain extent.  However, if you feel that you need to voice your suicidal ideations, our mods are always willing to help you in any way they can. 
 
Please get help and keep us up on what you are doing!!!!!
 
We care about you!!!
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
 
" Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery
 
" Tonight I sent an angel to watch over you, but it came back. When I asked why, it told me that angels don't watch over other angels."
Unknown


beau_beau
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/20/2007 6:43 AM (GMT -7)   
yes im getting help tho never talked about it all in one go. im seeing a doc and councelling tho its not working i have been on anti depressants zoloft 50mg and 100 mg it didnt work and im on avanza 30mg i gotta get something new nothing is working thanks for your consern tho i needed to talk about it know waht i mean

faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 6/20/2007 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Beau~
I do understand what you mean.  I have been on over 40 odd some meds and even had ect.  Still I fight this demon every day.  I have watched as it destroyed people that I love and took things that were the most important to me away.
 
Unfortunately meds may or may not work and there is nothing more frustrating then trying to feel better and not getting there.
 
I understand the doctor thing, I am having issues right now with even finding a doc to treat me because of "not having the right insurance or being too "poor".  Believe me there are days when I wonder, what am I doing this for?  To answer that question, I really dont know. They say do it for the people that love you, YEA RIGHT!!! That becomes so overrated as that is like a line out of a textbook and it is easier said than done!!!
 
I have found that there are always things in life that will bring you to your knees and that the only things that get me by are the thoughts of what tomorrow may bring.  Yea, I go for days waiting for the "day(s)" that make all this craziness worthwhile but ultimately there is a day here and there that does make it all worthwhile.
 
My issues seem small in relation to what you are experiencing right now but I will tell you that there are always "BETTER DAYZ" as someone that I love dearly tells me.  I have faith in that and faith in the fact that God is on my side and that this depression is always going to be here, do I let it defeat me or do I say you know what, yes, today is a bad day but someone that I know would never lead me astray says that there will be "Better Dayz" so I hang on to that and before you know it in the midst of alot of bad days, there is a Better Day once in awhile.
 
Keep the faith and know that there are people that hurt like you do with depression and those that love someone that has depression. 
 
Together we can get through this crazy thing called "life"
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
 
" Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery
 
" Tonight I sent an angel to watch over you, but it came back. When I asked why, it told me that angels don't watch over other angels."
Unknown


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/20/2007 11:07 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there and Welcome to HealingWell.

Congratulations on taking the first step to putting your life back together. Talking about the pain is always a good thing as it allows people to sort out their feelings better. If your doctor and/or councillor are not working then I really strongly suggest that you consider changing to professionals that you can connect with and trust and that you feel understand what you are going through. There are loads of AD meds out there and it may be that you just havnt found one that suits you. I can't begin to imagine the pain and hurt that you are feeling at the moment, but you should feel really proud that you were able to talk about it to us. We are always here and will provide whatever support and help we can as friends. But I feel that it is really important that you seek professional help that works for you. There is an email link for me if you need to email me privately. Just click on the envelope icon.

Warmest Wishes

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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beau_beau
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/20/2007 2:56 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks . it jsut seems that nothing helps and im paying for sessions what aint working

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/21/2007 12:36 AM (GMT -7)   

If you feel that they are not working then I really would advise seeking help from a different professional. There is no point in you flushing money down the toilet. But you should keep up the therapy. Just change who gives it. It might not be the therapy that is wrong. Hopefully, you will find a professional you can connect with and continue down the road to healing.

Remember we are all here for you

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/21/2007 4:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Beau
I too want to welcome you to the forum and I know you will find the support that you are looking for.

I am so sorry that you have had to live through all of this. The violence is your life just makes me sick.
I am sorry that your parents did not do their job,some parents just choose to live life that way. I don't know why but they do.

Here is what you need to do...you need to break the mold basically.
Tell yourself daily that you are not going to be that way. Think about your future and what you want and then start making a plan.

Now in order to do all of that you have got to get into some type of counseling.
Are you still in contact with your parents? Is there anyway you can just get away from all of them,do you have a Grandparent that you can go to that would help you?


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


beau_beau
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 6/26/2007 11:05 PM (GMT -7)   
hey well i have moved to adelaide now and im trying to start new tho i still feel like ****in crap all the time

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 6/27/2007 4:04 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi there,

Its nice to hear from you again. Im not too good at places so I am not really sure where Adelaide is but im sure it is a nice place. (It has a nice sounding name! lol) Perhaps this can be the start of a new beginning for you. Now that you are in a new town, does this mean that you can still get the professional help you were getting before? If so is it with different people? 

Im sorry you still feel so bad, but hopefully things will start to improve

All the best,

Darren 


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 6/27/2007 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Beau

What have you started doing? Talk to us


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


beau_beau
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/1/2007 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
i have gone to a new gp were trying out new things soon i have a pretty bad kidney infection right now so i cant be on any medication .. im getting a new councillor soon and im looking for a job.. im an australian .. so adelaide is in south australia. i moved 500ks to start new

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/2/2007 11:00 AM (GMT -7)   
Im sorry to hear about the kidney infection. That must be a real downer on top of everything that is going on at the moment. It sounds like you are starting to get yourself on the right track though and I wish you every success.  
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/2/2007 12:48 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry too..kidney infection is no fun that is for sure.

I am so glad that you were able to make the move,the days are going to be brighter before you know it.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


asking
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 53
   Posted 7/2/2007 1:06 PM (GMT -7)   
HI Beau - I just read your thread..... I cant even imagine, I am really sorry that all happened to you
None is this is your fault... you were badly abused as a child and I think you are doing far better than I would be in your shoes.... Please dont give up, take it a minute at a time and keep trying different things, diff docs, diff meds - stay with the professionals... I will hold you in my higher thoughts and send you Light - I care and so do many others.... be strong.............

Peace... Love.... Light....

Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 3/16/2008 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Beau
Your story struck a few chords with me I grew up in a home of alcoholic parents never knowing if they were going to fight and if we ( kids) would have to pack up an go again..........

I became an alcoholic myself started drinking at age 10 11 maybe even earlier ........it is alot of blurred memories and pain ya know
Anyways I am here to tell you THIS can be beat it really can I have been a sober alcoholic since 1979.........so has my dad ......my hubby was killed instantly on St.Paddy's day in 79.......he and dad always celebrated that day together...dad and I quit March 18th 1979 together.......

Please do find another councillor / therapist someone that WILL listen and really HELP you......you have been thru hades and back and I do feel your pain and I hope you will see that we are all here to help and support you thru all of this ......Keep us posted plz.....LYN


  DX With Crohns,Pyoderma Gangrenosum, Anxiety/ Panic and Other Disorders
 
Moderator @ Anxiety Panic..Alzheimer's..Co mod @ Crohns
 
   
 
                   
 


beau_beau
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 5/5/2010 1:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello all its been a while from my last update :)

ive moved towns alot and made alot of new friends along the way ... depression ? what you talking about its jsut a bad day :)

im doing very well now thanks for all the support back then it was great to have got it off my chest

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 5/5/2010 3:26 AM (GMT -7)   
glad you are doin' better. jamie, down-under too!!!
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 5/5/2010 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
So happy for you.

Keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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