Is this all part of the big D??

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 7/3/2007 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I find myself recently being horrible to everyone, people I'd never dream of acting this way towards before. To be blatantly honest it makes me feel good, at the time and then terrible and confused afterwards. I am horrible to my family and my boyfriend mostly. I feel better when we are on bad terms as it makes me feel in control, this may not make sense but its how I feel. Any other time when I am on equal terms with someone I don't feel in control.
 
I am horrible about my boyfriends family to him, I don't know why as they are fantastic to me, always have been and treat me like one of there own. But I can't stop getting sly digs in there, just basically being a pure b**ch about them (sorry if I can't say that).
 
Also today at lunch time,my bf sent me a text asking me to phone him. I did and he told me about him changing football teams. I just snapped, was really horrible to him and told him I wasn't interested and hung up. The two people I was with looked at me totally shocked. They could'nt understand why I acted in that way-nor could I!! I do stuff like this all the time. Before he phoned I had already felt inside wound up adgitated and fidgity, but for no reason no-one or nothing had done anything to me!!
 
This isn't me!! I never used to be like this, is it depression or am I just a really horrible person?
 
p.s You may all be wondering what happened with my docs appointment re changing councillor-well he was off y/day for my appointment but we have to see him tomorrow!!
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/3/2007 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Scotsgal,
 
From what you ahve said, it doesnt sound like you are a nasty person. I would say its the depression. Thats not to say that it doesnt need managing though. This might be something that you want to discuss with your doctor tomorrow. Its good that you recognise that it is happening, otherwise you wouldnt be able to do anything about it! It sounds like your boyfriend and his family are ery tolerant people and thats a great thing when you are trying to cope with depression.
 
Hopefully tomorrow will bring some answers for you.
 
Warmest Wishes
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/3/2007 4:39 PM (GMT -7)   
sad  Scotsgal~
Yes, it is the depression and what ever you do, get it tight!  Believe me when I say that it is these horrible, ugly times that will eventually rob you of everything that you truly love!!
 
I understand when you say that you "enjoy" the angry person and how it effects the people that you love, I was the same way but I didnt enjoy, I felt empowered.  I was empowered because the people that loved me figured it was the depression and found it necessary to overlook the actions of the person they knew didnt mean it, HOWEVER, it hardens these same people and they start to realize that this is a symptom of depression and the ones that it doesnt break it hardens!!!
 
I know this first hand and have done everything I can to not do this.  it is hard because it is almost like there is a little person inside of you telling you that you need to be this way to be in control, TRUST ME YOU DO NOT!!!!
 
I have found the times when I feel like this, I try to be positive and say positive things.  The worst thing you can do is do what you are doing, sometimes you cant take it back, and if you do say something that you regret seconds later, apologize then and there and they will know that you are really trying not to do the hateful things you say or do.
 
It works, try it.
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
 
" Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery
 
" Tonight I sent an angel to watch over you, but it came back. When I asked why, it told me that angels don't watch over other angels."
Unknown


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/4/2007 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Scotsgal

I find myself snapping at people quite a bit lately. My problem is that I take alot of crap before I start opening my mouth. And the people I have been snapping at have a whole bag of them being a jerk in my memory.

Sometimes we just get tired of being nice.

Let us know how the doctors appt went.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 7/5/2007 2:06 AM (GMT -7)   
What do I do now??
 
After my trip to the docs basically, he said he can't change my councillor, I have to go back and see my current one and tell her everything that happened that Saturday when everything came spilling out and then my councillor will assess whether I need to go to hospital to see a new councillor or someone more 'above' her.
 
Thing is I don't want to speak to this councillor. I don't feel comfortable and I have been seeing her since Feb and I don't feel a bit better, maybe worse.
 
I was on such a high a couple of weeks ago I felt great about everything, and this week I feel so low again. My mood differs from high to low, this can happen day by day or hour by hour!
 
I today have worked out something, regarding my relationship. The week I felt great I thought my boyfriend was being fantastic, totally different from normal and I felt great. Infact he was being no different from what he normally was, but because I felt better, I thought he was being better.
I learned that maybe he is lovely and great all the time, but due to me feeling how I am I don't see this all the time, but when I feel better about myself, I appreciate him.
 
If that didn't make sense sorry but it did in my head, I am close to tears today as I am feeling rubbish again, teary and down. I care so much for him I feel that really strongly but I dunno I could just sleep my life away at th moment. I'm having trouble sleeping at nights, really nervy and edgy, I worry of the most stupid of things, and I think everyone hates me and is against me, its totally strange as in front of my close friends I am sometimes the most outspoken confident person ever, then others I just want to cower away and I feel they all hate me.
 
At this precise moment in time, I do not have a clue what the hell is going on in my life or who I've become. I feel I should be locked away from everyone. I feel crazy. I sit and watch my life rush by me, but I am not living it. I have lost nearly a year of my life to this.
 
I honestly hate it, i feel like a zombie, I feel no purpose in life, I think 'what am I waiting on' as I constantly feel I am waiting on something, for it all to return back to normal.
 
I am so so sorry if all of this is a babble and doesn't make sense, but its all rushing about my head and putting it out into words lets it out a bit.
 
If anyone can relate to any of this due to their own experiences please let me know. I feel mental!!
 
A very sad and tired, Katie :(
** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/5/2007 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Katie

It sounds to me that she does not feel qualified enough to help you. It is good that she realizes that and is just not giving you bad advice.
Hopefully the new one will be able to help you.

Have you thought about a change in environment? When I first started therapy she told me that in order to get better I had to change my environment.
What about a week somewhere doing something that you love? Or getting on a bike at night and having a nice ride?
Just something that can help get your mind in a different state.

Hang in there,healing does not happen overnight and it is a long road

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/5/2007 6:30 AM (GMT -7)   
mad  I think the thing that bugs me the most is the fact that the doc refuses to change counselors for your!!  I would think that if you are not comfortable with relating to this person that it would be of utmost importance to see that someone is available for you so that you do not carry this around with you.
 
I know that you have alot on your plate and I wish there was a magic wand to wave but there is not, my advice is to get to someone that will listen, such as maybe a crisis hotline or mental health center where there are people there that will sit and listen, although they may not be able to help at that very moment, at least it may be someone you may feel comfortable in talking with.  And to top that, alot of those services are free.
 
Good luck.
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
 
" Love is being stupid together."
Paul Valery
 
" Tonight I sent an angel to watch over you, but it came back. When I asked why, it told me that angels don't watch over other angels."
Unknown


scotsgal
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 140
   Posted 7/6/2007 1:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Yea I know what you all mean, I just don't know where to turn from here! Its like they don't care how you feel atall!! I wish they'd take into consideration the fact I'm NOT comfortable speaking to her and let me even try someone else!

** Don't Compare Your Insides With Everyone Elses Outsides **


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/7/2007 5:54 AM (GMT -7)   
That is hard,,it is almost like you are lost in the system and that sucks.

Is there anyway that you can go to the board of directors from the hospital and see if you can get some help there?
It is a huge leap but they need to remember that you are paying them which is how they keep their jobs.


Keep us updated and stay strong.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Wednesday, December 07, 2016 1:42 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,979 posts in 301,164 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151298 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, FrankByMonster.
203 Guest(s), 2 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
bluelyme, maldugs


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer