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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 7/19/2007 12:41 PM (GMT -6)   
And I really shouldn't be, I'm getting married next month, everythings organised. While that does cheer me up, and I am excited about it so so much. I can't help this feeling of despair inside me.
It's REALLY getting Paul down, as he thinks it's something he's done, but I can't explian to him that it's not.
While I was in hospital, someone was talking to me, and opened the door to where my bad thoughts go.
They're the thoughts I can't forget about, and can never get rid of. They usualy stay nice and dorment, but it's lke a bomb has gone off in my head.
I got really realydown about it for about 5 minutes. Then shoved on this realy happy bouncy front. Then broke down again. I still couldn't explain anything to my psychiatrist. So then wrote her a letter. Explaining EVERYTHING I was feeling and thinking of. There was a lot that I hadn't told her. But she now knows everything in my past.
The trouble is, I just ca't shake this feeling of worthlessness. My psychiatrist tryed to help me in the first week, but then we ran out of time, because she was going on annual leave.
I ust feel like a lost lttle puppy.
I'd actually got the majority of it all under control, until yesterday. My speaking to my brick-wall esk neurologist, and getting angry a him, has set me off again.
I keep getting short bursts of anger and hatred, and end up shaking, and agitated. During these times I go for a walk to tire myself out, but then i get back, and I'm just in absolute agony and weak (I somehow ALWAYS forget to take my crutches on these walks)
I feel deflated.
My Dad came to see me last week, I didn't really want to, but having not seen him for 5 years. I decided I'd try to get over my fear of him, and let bad memories rest.
I couldn't stand having him near me though, or touching me, I spent most of the visit shaking, and feeling incredibly sick, even though id had odansatron antisickness tablets about an hour before meeting him.
I seriously just can't forgive or forget what he did to me, but at the same time, I just want one of my parents to comfort me and tell me everythings alright.
My mum sent me a text the day before meeting with my dad. Saying how my brother never moans even though he has CF too, he can hold down a job, and still go out.
How it's so stressful doing the job she's always dreamed of doing, and how booking a holiday is such hard work.
How I should just get a hobby and everything will be ok. And I should go for more walks.
What's most annoying me about this, is that I want to respond so so bad, but have to wait till after wedding. Otherwise I will have no parents there, and my baby 12 year old sister will not be allowed to come.
I just want to respond pointing out:
Yes, ok Nick don't moan about his CF. But Nick doesn't need physio twice a day, he doesn't need his nebuliser. He only needs IV's one a year at the minimum. Mine are 3 monthly. The last gap was only 2 months.
Nick doesn't need to come into hospital to do IV's he choses too.
Nick doesn't have a neurological disorder, that bans him from excercise, until they get thereselves in gear and get a diagnosis.
I haven't had a holiday in over a year efore that the gap was 3 years, yet your moaning because your boking your 3rd holiday this year.
Hobbies: I have the internet for starters. I read a book a day. I'm currently doing a cross-stitch, I pant warhammer figures. I follow wresling as closely as I can.
She knows I do all this. She knows the problem I have is that I hurt a lot. She knows I can't have any trust in doctor's because they've gone without believing me or so long, I have to question everything they say, to make sure they actually have brains this time.
She also said in another text, i am hard work for the doctors and moan too much, which s why they don't listen to me. But what else can i do. If i don't question them, and get 100% straight answers. I sit worrying they have it wrong again.
So many little things, but thy al push together, and it's really getting on top of me. As I say, while i am excited about the wedding, all ths stuff is really pushing down on me hard.
I'm on Mirtazapine 30mg again now, which does make my general mood brighter, and I feel happier, but there's just so much on top of me, Not even mirtazapine can hold it al up for me (Mirtazapine is usualy my superman. It supersizes my appetite, which is normally nil and sends me to sleep.)
They want to add sertraline in, too give me a bit more of a boost. But because of the hospital taking years to diagnose me. They don't want to throw in anymore pills and potions just yet, while ive managed to get everything else just right.
I just feel like screaming and screaming and screaming some more. But right at the minute, I can't even cry, and just don't feel like making any noise. I just want to crawl into a hole, and hibernate til everything feels safe again.
I'm sorry for such huge long post. I know others must be feling worse than me, bu I really needed to rant.
Hugs to all, and hope noones feeling as confused as me right now
Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/19/2007 1:21 PM (GMT -6)   

Dearest Gem,

Hi, this is Kitt. Wow, sweetie, you are not in a good place right now. Let me see if I can help?

Frist of all, IMHO, people who do not have depression have a lot of advice and they just don't get it.  The more they tell us to just get a grip, get a hobby, go out with friends, or have fun I could literally put duct tape accross their mouth.  Duct tape cures all. yeah

The more they say, the worse you feel as you start to think, Is it Me?

No it is not you and I wish your parents were more supportive and understand that you and your brother are 2 different people.

No 2 cancers are alike or diabetics or heart patients. The same with CF.

I believe in you and you believe in you, you have gone through so much and still you volunteer here, you have planned a wedding and you make it through all your problems.  Yes it knocks you for a loop, but hey, that is normal for what your going through.

Really try not to listen to bad advice or criticism. Do not let negative talk into your head. Hear it and let it pass on through as you know you are a good, kind and caring person.  You are worthy of happiness and it is yours to take.  The down times come along when we least expect, but you will get passed this.

You will be a beautiful bride and have a lovely wedding day.

Picture that day in your mind and I wish you peace.

Many hugs


Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*

Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 7/20/2007 7:21 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Kitt!
I'll remember the Duct tape rule, sounds like fun. yeah
You're right in thinking what I'm thinking. I do sometimes think it's me, and I think 'God, I must have been such a bad kid for my parents to hate me so much. And for them to purposely (it seems) try to hurt me'.
My mum has suffered depression in the past, so you'd think she'd understand. She has to understand how bad I feel with my illnesses, she's a nurse afterall.
I just hurt so bad, and I actually text her to tell her this. It's the one thing my psychiatrist told me to do, and also ask what answer she expected from me when she asks how i am. But then she just responded with all that stuff. Not answering my initial question, and totally ignoring the bit where she was hurting me, by acting like she doesn't care.
Seriously, if it weren't for my baby sister, I would cut ties/disown her, it'd be better for my mental health. But I have to be there for Abbie. She was born when I was 9. She was in my room from day 1, and it was me who woke up with her in the night. If it weren't for me she'd never get out and have fun,she'd be stuck watching TV all day.
It's hurts more, because I just don't want to go up there to face my mum right now, but then my mum also won't let Abbie go anywhere with me.
I somewhere know inside that I will get passed all this, and you're right Kitt. I've struggled on so many times in the past, and made it out the otherside bruised but ok. These downtimes though, are just so tough on me. I keep just bashing my thoughts out on a word pad, but i have to stop afer a while, through fea of breaking my laptop. I then switch to paper, but by then im just so worked up and angry about everything, I just end up stabbing the paper, and ripping it all up.
I know 1000% it's not fair on Paul for me to be acting this way or feeling like this, and he cries when he see's yet another shredded ball of paper. Because he knows that i must  have lost control again, and must be in a lot of pain. I feel so bad for him, and feel even more angry at my mum and other things that's got to me, for making me feel that angry to begin with.
I do picture my wedding day in my mind, and I am really looking forward too it, it can't come round quick enough. It seriously is the happy place in mind right now. Especially as I'm going the full day with only pain killers, no crutches yeah  
 It's a big thing to me, as it wil just clarify in my mind that paul does want to be with me. I've told him, were never getting a divorce, so this is it now, he knows what he's letting himself in for tongue

Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05

Post Edited (Darkies Gem) : 7/20/2007 7:24:29 AM (GMT-6)

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