What Do You Say When You Have Said Everything?

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faithfully4you
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Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/20/2007 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   
It is Friday evening and another weekend is here.  I have gotten to the point where I am so numb to these awful days that all I feel is numb and aching.  It actually feels like I am becoming so numb that I cant feel anything but numbness.
My depression has taken everything I loved and is actually taking a backseat to the pain I am feeling lately.
I guess I am just so regretful about so many things that have happened in my life that I wonder what to do next.  I cry all the time and one of the most important people in my life is trying so hard to "not love" me.  What I mean by that is that he is unable to let go of me because of the love he has.  I have destroyed him by lying to him and taking away from what we had.  He knows that I am sorry and he has forgiven me but he says that he cant get over the feelings of what keeps him from me.  What can I say, I really do know that my depression was the worst thing that he could go through and although he doesnt want to believe it, my actions and behavior did have something to do with my depression.  I was also diagnosed with Axis II disorder many years ago and in researching that personality disorder, I found it very relevant to what my actions were.  Oh my gosh, did I ever discuss with him the depth of what I have done and why?  Would it change anything?  All I know is that my faith and hope are also becoming a numbness and the things that are happening in my life are both the reason Im alive and killing me all at the same time. 
 
How can I make him understand that I would do whatever I could for him to know that things have changed and that I want to get back what I ruined?  I have vowed that my depression will not control me and my relationships with the ones I love but how can you not feel depressed when you want so much to have the things in life that you cant have?
 
I am truly devasted by the thought of not having the things in my life that are most important to me.  The glimmer of hope is starting to fade and I am realizing that I may never be whole again.
 
I am so sad right now that I could scream.  I hang on too everything that I know is true to my heart, I never thought that I could ever hurt like this, seriously, the pain that is in my heart is only relieved by the moments that I share without depression, sadness or anxiety!
 
I dont want to live like this, why cant it be different?  WHY??  What can I do what can i say?
I am so lost, depressed and sad!!!
I wonder to myself if God really is there, I know I believe in him and I should not say that but I just really struggle with things that I cant control, he gives us trials to make us better people, but when are trials too much, depression is bad enough!!
 
I was in a store today and came across a book.  I was going to buy it but as usual I couldnt afford it.  I stood there and read as much as I could get in before the kids came running over ready to leave.  Reading this book, i stood there and thought for sure that it was truly about me!  The book was called "My Beautiful Broken Shell" by Carol Hambler Adams, if you can get a chance to read it, you should, many of us can relate with it.  It is a short book, almost like a gift book.
 
Well I go into this weekend in tears and depression, when can I have a weekend where I will be happy??
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/21/2007 4:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa
I took me a very very long time to get to the point to where I am.
And it is strange because I still have days to where I wake up and have to remind myself that I am safe and ok.
I walk around with a strange feeling that something is wrong,when in fact there is nothing wrong at this point.
At least anything that I can't work out.

You will get there,it is just such a long road,and you will have to train your brain to know that you are finally there.


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Currently taking none.
www.healingwell.com/donate


www.myspace.com/ShynSassy315

"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/21/2007 5:27 AM (GMT -7)   
I totally agree with Shy on this one Teresa

It is very hard but you will get thru it

Thoughts and prayers are with you

God Bless
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
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 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
 Your Mind is like a Parachute...Works better when IT IS Open
 
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
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djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/21/2007 12:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Teresa
 
You are a really strong person and you have your faith which is more than some people have. Depression is a long hard road that people travel, but there is always an end to the road.
 
Stay Strong... you will make it.
 
Darren 
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/22/2007 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys for your replies~
I just feel as if I truly have exhausted all my strength and faith.  As I stated in my poem, faith will always be a part of my life as I have secured my being in it many times.  But when does having faith become a reality of denial?  I once read this somewhere, "faith is what you have when you cant handle the truth of reality".  It was actually a play on spiritualism and I was offended at first but then thought, wow, could this be true?  Dont get me wrong, faith is sacred to me and always will be but faith I am finding is not enough. 
 
I was once told that having faith can be a guide to your actions and decisions in life that may determine your destiny.  What if faith in a situation WILL not help determine your destiny.  For instance, how can you make someone understand that you CAN do something when they say they cant, where does your faith come in?
 
You may say well time and faith may make a difference but you know what, I dont believe that anymore.  I cant.
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/22/2007 8:35 AM (GMT -7)   
I agree that your faith is strong, but I think I have more faith in you than you do in yourself. You need to pull your self up out of your trench, just a little at a time, but you have to do this for yourself. You are such a compassionate person. I think you need to turn your compassion loose on yourself. Try releasing your mind on something constructive and I just know in my heart you are going to feel just a smidge better.  I've told you before, I believe in you. cool

Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 7/22/2007 9:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,

During the rough time I'm going through with my wife, a friend sent me this quote. It's so very true.

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny!” – Frank Outlaw

Hope you like it,

Rick...
I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

~ Lyrics from "Daughters" by John Mayer


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/27/2007 5:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you guys for your words~
bionca, i hear what you say about my compassion and you are right i am very compassionate when it comes to other people and i have always had a hard time finding that for myself.  I also believe that you have more faith in me than i do myself.  i dont know if i will ever let myself feel compassion for me like i do others.  all i can do is try.  Thanks :)
 
djdaz~ The saying I have also heard and it is exactly how my life has been.  In fact that saying is the very essence of my sadness and loss, i wish i could have used all the faith and understanding i learned from that before i read it, it may have saved me a lot of heartache.  thank you
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/27/2007 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

I probably haven't told you this lately....but I am so glad that you are here.
You might not know it,but you are such an inspiration to me and to others.

You are so strong,and I know you will make it though this!!!


Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/28/2007 12:42 AM (GMT -7)   

Its amazing the number of times I go to write something on here and Shy has written what I am thinking! lol Spooky?

Your a great person to have here Teresa. You have helped so many other people with your experiences and it shows that deep down you are a really kind and caring person.

Stay Strong

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/28/2007 2:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Every day that I hear from you, I am so very glad. Like Shy, it took me a very long, long time to get to where I am today. It sounds to me like you are starting to get your second wind. Bravo to you!!! Hang in there. Days will getter better and the nights will too. I was in such a bad place in my head a long time ago, but I beleive if I found a way to get out of it, you will too.
 
Many Blessings
 
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrom, Epstein-Barr virus, and sever depression. Have been on Prozac, cyslexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 7/29/2007 2:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

I also sense you becoming stronger and just take small steps hun we will be with you all the way
I almost lost my faith a short time ago and like you I questioned it BUT
I found the answers
YOU will too and I know you will come out of this stronger and much happier

I do feel your pain ........not as much in last post but still.......

God Bless........Remember
" Footprints "
Take care of you n stay here with us ..with all those that truly care about you

Luvs
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
 Walk With Us We Will Take your Hand .......
 
  
                                  


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/30/2007 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
:-)  I want you guys to know how very much your words mean to me.  Everytime i get on here after writing a post when i am at my lowest period, you guys are always there with your support!!  My eyes tear up and there are times when i actually weep a little reading what you write.
There are no words to really express what i feel so just know that they are appreciated more than you know!!! ALL OF YOU!!!!
 
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/1/2007 12:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Your Welcome Teresa,
 
Every journey has a beginning, an end and involves moving from one to another. If you start on your journey and keep putting one foot in front of the other you will reach the end... no matter how far away it is. Your simply need the strength to keep moving your feet.
 
Best Wishes
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Howlyncat
Elite Member


Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/1/2007 5:35 AM (GMT -7)   
We just need you to know you are admired and really cared about here

Please look after self and try to see the person we have come to know and luv
LYN
    Contribute today to support Healing Well Forums...Donate @
 
Moderator for Anxiety /Panic
Moderator for Alzheimer's
Co Moderator for Crohns Disease 
 
 DX with Crohns, Pyoderma Gangrenosum,Anxiety /Panic
 
  
 Be Thankful for the Difficult times..During those times we GROW
 
             EMPATHY is Always Better than APATHY
 
 Walk With Us We Will Take your Hand .......
 
  
                                  


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 8/1/2007 3:52 PM (GMT -7)   
You just keep taking those steps sweetheart and before you know it, you will see with your own eyes, the person that we appreciate so very much. I haven't known you for very long, but I know this: If it was me who needed you and your words, you would be there for me in a heartbeat. Stay strong, and remember, you can e-mail anytime.
Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/11/2007 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Hi guys~
I am just now seeing this thread, ONCE AGAIN you are the ones!!!!  Kudos to me for finding such great inspirational people!!
I am trying hard lately to get better, it has been a struggle but I am trying to pull myself up after a long spiral i didnt think i would get out of alive.  I still have my days but my attitude is different, i am a little angrier at this depression and i am trying my best.  Tomorrow is another day thought so you guys keep giving me the prayers and care that you are.
 
I also wanted to share with you a book that someone special whom I love very much sent me in the mail.  It is a little book that brings me comfort in my times of need.  When I feel really bad I sit and read it aloud to myself and have a good cry.  You guys have got to at least read this book, it is such a true testiment to what we face!
"My Beautiful Broken Shell" by Carol Hamblet Adams
 
Love ya guys!!!
Teresa
 
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/11/2007 9:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,
 
You are an inspiration to us.  You just keep hanging in there.  You are going to make it.  This is such a wonderful support system.  You will definitely be in my prayers.  I just wrote you down on my list so I won't forget.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/12/2007 7:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Another day,
tongue  You make me smile!
Teresa
 
 The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.

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