My heart breaks for you, as I see it all Mothers have a dream for their children and when things all backfire our dreams die hard. We try to adjust and remember that they are making the choices now but you have not failed.
You have loved with all your heart and for some reason just loving and raising them the best we can is not always enough to keep them safe. Do not beat yourself up and please accept our love and support right here.
My 21 year old son died and with it the dreams I had for him. I will never understand why but it happened. One day several months after his death my daughter asked me, "Are you ever going to be happy again, Mom?"
That was my wake up call to get myself together and remember I had 3 wonderful children that were here and alive. They deserved a Mother that was with them so I planted my feet back on the ground and took one little step at a time.
Please don't stop talking to us. We are here 24/7. We understand where your coming from and what your going through.
You are amazing - hang on in there. I have a very tenuous relationship with my mother - but in times of need we are there for each other. You need to be there for your kids right now - you are doing an amazing job so please hang on. I do feel that you need to talk to your daughter though, tell her a little bit of how you feel about things right now - be honest with her about your feelings and experiences with your son and she will understand maybe a little more of what's spinning around in your mind right now!
That's the worst part for me with my depression - my mind races 24/7 and I can't find peace sometimes. A six hours drive sounds like hell - hope you don't get too tired. Try and take a few minutes for you - have a relaxing bath or go for a walk.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs xx
I just read your posts and I am very sorry to hear that your cancer has returned. As you mentioned yourself, it sounds like you have so much going on already. I am so sorry that you lost your son. I'm wondering though, when you are feeling up to it, if maybe you need to share with your daughter about the abuse that went on in your family. You mentioned staying in your mother's house with your daughter. I'm just thinking about the big picture. You wouldn't want anything to ever happen to your daughter or to your grandchildren you may have one day. It's a cycle that has to be stopped. I was never abused, but have several friends who were.
Please let us know when you are having your surgery.
It sounds like you need to kick your husband into line as well. You both need to be singing from the same song-sheet. I am really pleased for your eldest, but there is still a problem in your house.
Have strenght and get well soon,
I so hope you are feeling better soon. You do need to hire someone to take over cleaning the house, running the errands such as grocery shopping and cooking for you. If I were you, I would try to get some retired military woman and let her run a tight ship around there for a while. Then they might learn to appreciate you when you get well.
Feel better soon!