I`ve spent the evening driving in tears

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snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/23/2007 5:57 AM (GMT -7)   
This afternoon i left home ,am on my way up to see the surgeon who operated on me .I already know the news is not going to be good i have tried to ignore it but i can`t.
I have my oldest daughter with me she is 23 and normally we get on so well and she has been there for me ,but the past month or so she hasn`t had the time so i`ve just kept to myself .Saturday i cleaned out my large fish tank then had to go to bed mid morning because of a debilitating migraine was still sick sunday but had to get up and do the washing for the kids for school monday only to find all my fish dead in their tank .Later that day my 19yr old daughter (the one with ADHD) tells me she put boiling water from the kettle in their tank because she thought their water was too cold .I`m just so fed up with this child i just can`t take anymore of her .
So tonight while driving for three hours i have cried so much my daughter has been telling me of all her problems and i just sit there driving thinking to myself how sad i am and all the problems i`m having with no one to even tell but thats ok i`m the mum i shouldn`t have any thing wrong .Just the fact that i`m just so dissappointed in everything i have done ,my family and everything but thats ok mum will be there to help you get throught ( but who`s going to help mum )
I kissed my huaband good bye as i left maybe for the last time i just don`t know i don`t know what i want or where i even want to be if to even be anywhere .
Sorry just to go on but i needed to get this all out .
Restless sad
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


HSE
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 7/23/2007 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Keep talking - you need support and if your daughter isn't there for you - find friends, family and this website - there are people out there who can help. Boiling water in the fish tank - aah! I teach ADHD kids and i understand the stresses and strains of what you have to cope with on a 24 hour basis.
Hang on in there - talk about how your feeling - get help from your doctor maybe.
Thinking of you and sending you calming hugs xx
HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/23/2007 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks HSE This child has been so stressful to me i have put up with so much and she has caused me such heart break.
I`m just feeling so dissappointed with everything i have been doing for the past 26 yrs .I see all i have put into rearing my kids and now seeing how they have turned out it`s like i`m failed big time.Nothing has turned out like i had ever imagined.I lost one child a few weeks ago this one was one that when he was growing up meant the world to me .I`m not sure if it was because i almost lost him in those first couple of weeks following his birth where i was the only one there for him as his dad didn`t want to even ge to know him because he thought that he was going to die and he didn`t want the heartache i`m really not sure.He was such an easy child and a very caring one at that not like his brothers or sisters .M y biggest dissappointment in him came when he got involved with a married woman when he was only sixteen ,I didn`t see it at first SHE was a "friend " who had problems and i remember telling him one day that all we can do is to be there for her when she needed someone .Those words i have come to regret .This is how one "friend " abused my friendship and took away something that meant the world to me soething that no one could ever understand.

My daughter who i have here with me now i was and i suppose i`m still proud of her we have shared many moments that most mothers and daughters have never experienced in a life time .There for a while it was like she knew me better than anyone else ever did ,we shared a lot of things more like someone you would call your very best friend in the world .She too has had her problems raped at fifteen and falling pregnant then miscarring when she was three months .The relationships she has gone through from bad to worse but all i could do was to be there to pick up the pieces when she fell .Now she is in a relationship with a man who recently went through an ugly divorce him and his wife fight so much over the two children they have .I see the heartbreak in my daughter and this tears me apart .I only wish i could take her out of there as i know somewhere there is someone who would love her for who she is ,but i can`t she has to learn from her own experiences .i lost one child after telling him what i thought of his relationship i won`t loose another one .
This is all i can write this morning i have to start driving soon have another six hours drive today.
Restless.
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/23/2007 4:40 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear Restless,

My heart breaks for you, as I see it all Mothers have a dream for their children and when things all backfire our dreams die hard.  We try to adjust and remember that they are making the choices now but you have not failed.

You have loved with all your heart and for some reason just loving and raising them the best we can is not always enough to keep them safe. Do not beat yourself up and please accept our love and support right here.

My 21 year old son died and with it the dreams I had for him.  I will never understand why but it happened.  One day several months after his death my daughter asked me, "Are you ever going to be happy again, Mom?"

That was my wake up call to get myself together and remember I had 3 wonderful children that were here and alive.  They deserved a Mother that was with them so I planted my feet back on the ground and took one little step at a time.

Please don't stop talking to us. We are here 24/7. We understand where your coming from and what your going through.

Gentle hugs.

Kitt


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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HSE
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 7/23/2007 11:54 PM (GMT -7)   

:-)  You are amazing - hang on in there. I have a very tenuous relationship with my mother - but in times of need we are there for each other. You need to be there for your kids right now - you are doing an amazing job so please hang on. I do feel that you need to talk to your daughter though, tell her a little bit of how you feel about things right now - be honest with her about your feelings and experiences with your son and she will understand maybe a little more of what's spinning around in your mind right now!

That's the worst part for me with my depression  - my mind races 24/7 and I can't find peace sometimes. A six hours drive sounds like hell - hope you don't get too tired. Try and take a few minutes for you - have a relaxing bath or go for a walk.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs xx


HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/24/2007 6:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you kitt ((HUGS )) I really understand full how you must of been feeling when you lost your son .I have often heard the saying " no parent should ever have to bury their child" and i agree with that .Achild comes into this world with a type of pain thats really hard for a mother to describe ,but when that child has to fight so hard to live he then causes more pain i wonder if there is ever a time when they do not cause pain .Not just with this beautiful child i have lost but to all i have .Mother hood is suppose to we such a wonderful thing but when it`s said and done to me it really sucks ...I can`t even remember the last time i was even happy i know i haven`t been for such a long time ..Depression has robbed me of it . These past few weeks have been particularly hard .and i`m at a stand still unable to move forward but i just seem to be moving back wards .

I know Michael had a most beautiful way with words .I remember one of his teachers from fifth grade telling me one day that he can write in a couple of lines what takes other children pages to write .She encouraged him to become a writer he wrote the most beautiful stories as a small child some of those i still have and read often .At school he was a gifted child who stood out from the others in his year he was one who found school so easy .The things this young man could of accomplished in his life would of been great.but instead he turned a different way and life went in a different direction .We tried to get him to see what was happening ,thats when he left home ...one of the biggest mistakes i have made in my life was to say this to him it was the last thing i ever said to him .Now as my daughter has made a few decissions that we are not happy with i dare not say anything to her in fear of loosing her the same way .My heart breaks evertime i see or even talk to her .On the inside the pain i feel is so unbearable i spend hours in silent tears each night praying that tomorrow she will change her mind .

Tonight i`m worried at what the news from the surgeon will be tomorrow i really do not even want to go ....

I have spent the afternoon with my parents something that i `m not liking at all because i just think of everything that i have gone through as a child at their hands..all those memories being rekindled as i spend the night here in this house .I could not do it if i wasn`t here with my daughter i know that tonight i won`t be sleeping soundly but more os just thinking of a lot of different things.

Today i was speaking to my hubby on the mobile and when i said good bye my daughter said to me that i didn`t say to him that i love him ..how can i tell her i`m not sure if i do anymore i really do not know how i`m feeling or even what i`m feeling .
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/24/2007 6:21 AM (GMT -7)   
HSE you have something that i do not ..a relationship with my mother i left home when i was fifteen and was just so glad to finally escape all the abuse ..It was some time later the extent of the abuse i suffered it included physical ,mental and a lot ofsexual abuse .My parents didn`t protect us girls instead they would go drinking each night come home drunk and abuse the hell out of us kids .They knew we were being sexually abused by our brother and then fourty years later i told my mother who else abused us including their friends ,her brother and a grandfather ..The hardest part was hearing also that not only did our parents not stop this but aunts also knew of it and also turned a blind eye to it .For this i can`t forgive my parents and especially my mother i`m not sure if i will ever be able .

As for the racing thoughts i find it extreemly difficult to even stay focus for any length of time because of all the thoughts going through my head at night sleep is so difficult to attain i`m thinking so many stupid thoughts my mind just doesn`t stop or in turn i`m crying silently for hours at a time.
I have thought so much today about talking to my daughter but then think that she has too much going on in her life she doesn`t need me dumping all of whats happening to me on her too so for now i`ll just keep this to myself and to those in here if you all don`t mind .
thankyou and goodnight .
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


HSE
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 7/24/2007 7:51 AM (GMT -7)   
eyes  Talk all you want here at Healing Well - I read your last message and don't know what to say except I am so sorry about what happened to you. I suffered so much physical and mental abuse from my parents but never sexual abuse. For your family to know and do nothing is incredible. I believe they will get their rewards (not in heaven!!) If you need to rant/scream/shout at me feel free - e-mail me if you'd like.
Always here and thinking of you - sending you hugs xx
HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/25/2007 4:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks HSE I only wish i could forget everything or at least not remember what has happened  but there is always some one or something to remind me of it all and it just starts over again .I have several " online friends " who are struggling with their past but i know it also hurts me to talk to them and some days i just can`t even talk .
 
 
Yesterday i saw the surgeon and as i thought my cancer has already returned  i sort of knew that it had but then he confirmed it now .More surgery but i`m just not ready to go there yet i can`t handle this and everything thats been going on .
Restless
 
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 7/25/2007 10:47 PM (GMT -7)   

Restless,

I just read your posts and I am very sorry to hear that your cancer has returned.  As you mentioned yourself, it sounds like you have so much going on already.  I am so sorry that you lost your son.  I'm wondering though, when you are feeling up to it, if maybe you need to share with your daughter about the abuse that went on in your family.  You mentioned staying in your mother's house with your daughter.  I'm just thinking about the big picture.  You wouldn't want anything to ever happen to your daughter or to your grandchildren you may have one day.  It's a cycle that has to be stopped.  I was never abused, but have several friends who were.

Please let us know when you are having your surgery.

Take care!

Carla


Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, hypothyroidism


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/26/2007 12:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks another day my daughter has been told of the abuse ages ago i never want anyone to go through what i did ans would never leave any of my kids there under any circumstances . thats why i never went home much and never took my kids there when they were little.
As for the surgery i am waiting for the date to be set but will be in the next four weeks.
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/26/2007 4:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Restless
I am so sorry,you have been through so much,I wish I could cast a magic spell and make all of your troubles go away.
You are a very VERY strong woman!!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


HSE
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 7/26/2007 8:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Restless, I am so sorry the cancer is back. You need to take one day at a time and hang on in there. Take joy in what you can and make some time for you to be with people who you care about - your family. I hope you have moments of peace and quiet and days of calm. Thinking of you and sending loving hugs xx

HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 7/30/2007 3:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi all i finally came back tonight i just don`t give a darn .I even contemplated taking some pills for a while then thought that i would drop in here to take my mind off some things ( let some steam off )
I have beeen in bed sick as a dog since friday after all the little ones went home was so pleased too see tthem go too .Hight temps and bad migraine and a crushing chest has plagued me all weekend until today i could take it no longer and gave in to see a dr .
But what has ticked me off was the whole time i was in bed sick my good for nothing lazy daughter couldn`t even be bothered getting off her fat **se and even cook one meal for anyone .I have just had enough of this thing we call a family it`s not a family to me .The only thing i got the whole time while in bed was the occassional cup of tea when they remembered me .
now i hadn`t eaten a thing thursday as i was so busy with the little kids and even on my birthday yesterday not even a happy birthday from any of them my daughter turned up today with a gift for me but it wasn`t even from her but her work mate . I can tell you that there are going to be a few birthdays forgotten in this house from now on .
And bloody hell when they get sick they can fend for themselves because i just don`t catre anymore.
Tonight hubby dropped the youngest at his girlfriends home told him to be home 5:30 well at seven thirty after two phone calls he decides that he will head home .Hubby said that he was grounded to me and his sister but not to him they do this all the time .
Rito i have to go the pills i did take are starting to effect me and i need to sleep maybe i should of taken more .
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


HSE
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 61
   Posted 7/30/2007 6:50 AM (GMT -7)   
sad  My last message said I hope you can spend some time with your family - well they really looked after you!! I don't think so - they have been very selfish - when you were ill they should have been there for you. Happy Birthday for the other day!! i hope some of your friends remembered you.
 
I hope you slept well and that you are feeling a little better now. xx
HSE - Hope Springs Eternal xx


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/31/2007 4:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Restless

Happy belated birthday.
I am sorry your family is so selfish.... you deserve more. I wish you could just take a week and have a nice vacation with other family or friends. Just to get away and forget for awhile.



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/1/2007 12:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Happy Belated Birthday also! scool
 
I am sorry that your family have been so self-centred and selfish that they treated you like that. I would suggest havin a holiday with me for a week but Aus is a bit of a long way from the UK! lol
 
As for "I can tell you that there are going to be a few birthdays forgotten in this house from now on", I know your angry and you have every right to be, but isnt doing that exactly what they did to you? I know people say "What comes around, goes around" and I truely believe it does, but purposely forgetting peoples birthday isnt right either. Also, it may leave you with regrets and leave your children with ammunition for an argument. When the anger passes, I hope you can see this.
 
Best Wishes
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
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Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
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snowflake
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/1/2007 3:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou all for the birthday wishes as i said to a friend last years it`s just a normal day here nothing special ( especially when it comes to mine ) .
Darren i know when their birthdays comes around i will be there for them as always i know what i would rather do but i know i can`t do it .
But as for hurting my family i think it`s so stuffed now as it is and really i`m ashamed to even call it a family now .

A couple of days ago i had words with my hubby as to the amount of rubbish that is lying around the house just from the lazy kids ,just being too darn lazy to put anything away and expecting someone to always pick it up and put it away .Hoping that he would have a few words to the kids .Yeh right all he did was go and do everything himself .It didn`t do a thing the lazy bloody kids just get off once agin .
I `m pleased to hear my oldest has bought his first home and is moving in in the coming weeks i`m so proud of him for a long time his dad hasn`t got on with him but now he can be free .I will really miss him .
This bug has really taaken hold and i`m feeling so sick and the antibiotics that i have been given are making me even sicker but hopefully they will settle down in a few more days ,I`m really looking forward to the weekend so i can just stay in bed and to hell with the rest of the world.
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/2/2007 1:24 AM (GMT -7)   

It sounds like you need to kick your husband into line as well. You both need to be singing from the same song-sheet. I am really pleased for your eldest, but there is still a problem in your house.

Have strenght and get well soon,

Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/2/2007 4:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I hope you start to feel better Restless...I thought of an idea that might make your husband a little more attentive to the household needs.
You could tell him that if the kids do not start cleaning up after themselves,then you are hiring a maid to come once a week. You could even do some research on the idea and get prices and write them down and set them somewhere for him to see.
Maybe then the thought of spending money on someone to help you clean the house will get his butt in gear.
After all your marriage license does not say "Maid" !!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 8/5/2007 12:39 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone i finally made it back have been so sick all week spent a few days in bed where i lost a bit of weight as they forgot to feed me and being so sick was unable to get any myself. But i eventually got to see a dr and the antibiotics finally kicked in thank heavens for that as i still had the little ones to care for .They have been so good and has made the week a bit easier for me .
It just went to show me how much my family actually needs me .
Hubby told me last night that " WE " THE FAMILY are going to a pistol shoot over a few days ...Thats ok if you are interested in shooting ( i`m not ).we went to one for a week and all i did all day was listen to pistols being shoot off it was just so boring.
Tuesday i hope to be able to see my psychologist i just hope she comes this time i really need some one to talk to it`s been ages since we spoke and so much has happened .
ok i have to go all take care.
Restless
~~~~  If no one else cares i do  ~~~~~


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/5/2007 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so glad that you are feeling better,hopefully now you can start to feel a little bit normal..Good luck at the Doctor's office. Let us know how it goes.



Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


djdaz_1985
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Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/5/2007 1:02 PM (GMT -7)   
Im so glad to hear that your antibiotics are kicking in!!! It might mean that you get something to eat now as well! As for the pistol shooting holiday... sounds like a fun activity for a day but not for a whole week. (Ever heard of the phrase "HAving too much of a good thing is bad for you" ?)
 
I hope all goes well with the psychologist. Let us know how you get on
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


Another Day
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Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 8/5/2007 11:57 PM (GMT -7)   

Restless,

I so hope you are feeling better soon.  You do need to hire someone to take over cleaning the house, running the errands such as grocery shopping and cooking for you.  If I were you, I would try to get some retired military woman and let her run a tight ship around there for a while.  Then they might learn to appreciate you when you get well.

Feel better soon!

Carla


Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, depression, hypothyroidism


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/6/2007 2:06 AM (GMT -7)   
I never thought about that Carla, but its a great idea! lol

Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 

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