Being single...

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Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 7/23/2007 11:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I just thought I'd write a little about my situation in hopes someone feels the same or can give me any comfort.

I moved to nyc almost 2 years ago not knowing anyone and have made very few new friends since, none of them close..and of course, im single. I'm only 24 but ive never had a relationship that wasn't anything but ridiculous which makes being single even harder even tho i know im young...just not knowing if im even capable of having one that will last scares the heck out of me since having a family is really all i know i want for my future.

i was walking around the park yesterday and its impossible not to get depressed, seeing friends having picnics, and couples kissing, etc, etc.

i know being single is OK...but im not ok with it :(
i just want to not be so miserable about it.

i do what i can, i go to meetup groups to meet new people, i do online dating, so no one can accuse me of not trying....but im still stuck here, lonely and sad.

any words of wisdom?
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


saeharr
New Member


Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 7/23/2007 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Jenni,

 

I'm sorry to hear how lonely you have been feeling.  I know before i had my son i used to have many lonely days and evenings, sitting in my room by myself.  It got so bad at one point i even got a cat to keep me company, which he did bless him, but it was no substitute.  Like you i could make no relationship last, and back then the only people i seemed to attract were the drunks or the drug addicts!  Maybe they sensed my lack of confidence and vulnerability, who knows?  I wasn't ready to meet someone back then, although i was desperate too, because i wasn't well enough and what i really wanted was for someone to save me and make things all better.  Of course a proper relationship is give and take, half and half, you both put into the relationship, not one person saving another from sheer hell.  I also sub consciously went for the not so nice people because firstly i didn't feel i deserved any better, and secondly i knew where i was at with them, they were going to be nasty and i expected it.  It was kind of like if i was with someone who could put me down to rock bottom, i wouldn't have to do it so much, so although it felt horrible being in those relationships, it also felt comfortable and familiar.  I had a lot of issues with my dad from when i was growing up, not being there, or being stressed and unkind when he was there, so i repeated a lot of those patterns too.

It was only when i decided to start building my life up, doing what i wanted to do, building a future for myself, that i was really ready to meet someone.  I was on my own for four years with my son (ex was an alcoholic), and in that time i went back to college part time and worked really hard to get myself into uni.  I'm now in uni doing a part time course so i can still take care of my son, and three years ago i met someone really lovely.  We balance eachother out, he's really optimistic and i'm really pessimistic!, we help eachother out studying for our courses (he's studying too), we help eachother out at home, when he's not there we talk on the phone etc....  It's how a healthy relationship should be, we each give something to the relationship.  That's because i took the time to build the foundations of me and my life, and be in a position where i was truly ready to meet someone, and very importantly someone nice who i deserved to be with (not some loser i thought i deserved to be with before).

You will find someone when you are truly ready to.  It's hard to trust anyone, i still have some walls up, and he's slowly removing them bit at a time.  It all takes time to get out of old habits and patterns, and really have the faith to trust someone, and let them close.  I've been hurt badly in the past, and it took me a long time, and a lot to trust someone again.

Keep going out to social things, start by making friends, gradually get closer to them in your own time.  It doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you're always making slow progress and letting someone a bit closer to who you are over time.  Take it at your own pace, whatever you feel comfortable wityh.  When you eventually have that trust with friends, and make some close friendships, you'll be a step closer to being close with a partner.  My partner always says, time takes care of everything  :-)

As for grimicing at couples, don't worry about that, half the people walking around are couples, the other half are people grimicing at them lol!!!!  I used to be one of the grimicers!

Take care,

Sarah :-)


'Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm....'


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/24/2007 2:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jenni,
 
I can TOTALLY relate to where you are coming from in terms of being single. I am 22 and I have never had a relationship of any kind. (Not even the ones that dont last) and I am definately one of the grimacers! Everywhere I look there are couples "eating each others faces" (So to speak!). I can't even watch the TV without a couple kissing. I think if you are missing something you notice it much more. I never knew how many Silver Ford Escorts there were in the UK until I totalled mine.
 
People say that being single is OK, but they are usually the people that have not been single for a long period of time (Years) or they have just broken up with someone. You will find your knight in shining armour... its just that he's hiding at the moment.
 
Keep your chin up & your eyes open... he's out there somewhere and you dont want to miss him!   tongue
 
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ShynSassy
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Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/24/2007 4:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Jenni
Yes being single is hard. But,I want to add something here. I was in a very unhealthy relationship for 13 years,and laid in bed at night dreaming about being alone.
There are bad things to being single, and there are bad things to being in a relationship that is not good either.

I agree with Darren,if you aren't looking that is when the love of your life will show up!!

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
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CassandraLee
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 7/24/2007 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Jenni.  I agree with much of what Sarah said.  But I have a little more to add.  I am just about 40 and was divorced about 2 1/2 years ago from my husband.  We were married for 14 years and had been together for about 22 years.  We had met when I was 15 years old and were married when I was 21.

I understand how you feel about the loneliness.  When my two daughters go to bed each night or at their dad's on Saturday nights I feel so isolated and alone.  I lost many of "our" friends when we divorced and had lost almost all of mine during our marriage.  My former husband somehow always found fault with each of my friends and/or most activities that I had engaged in. 

It truly hurts to see couples together and especially when they look so happy. And it fuels my depression and feelings of "I'm just not good enough."  But like Sarah said, I am trying to push these feelings aside and am now trying to better myself first.  I am currently in a graduate program to become a teacher.  I know I will feel accomplished and confident when I finally achieve it.  I need to lose a "ton" of weight and I need to learn how to like myself.  So yes, I have many doubts (plus more) than you had expressed.

What I am trying to do now is figure out who I am and who I would like to become.  I will soon be venturing out to try to pursue other interests such as sewing, taking "how to" classes at home depot, learn appropriate ettiquette and more.  My therapist says this will all build my self confidence and help me to feel whole and complete.  I'm not even close to that yet, but that's my goal.  Could this work for you?  Rather than looking for that "perfect" soulmate right now--work on making yourself happy first and you will come across as a much happier and better person.

And in regards to those all so happy couples that you see in the park - appearances can be very deceiving.  We don't know how long those happy moments last or the true quality of those relationships.  I know in my marriage everyone thought we were the perfect couple.  We always presented ourselves well and my husband did not show his judgemental and controlling traits to others.  It was always in the privacy of our own home.  We honestly do not know what goes on behind closed doors.  While being alone can make us desperately miserable it can also make us happy to know that we are free to be ourselves and do not have to mold ourselves into what someone else wants us to be.  Many of my "happily married" friends have often expressed their envy to me that they wish they could change places with me so that they didn't always have to accomodate the needs of someone else.

You sound like a mature 24 year old.  My advice is to use this time wisely to develop your own interests to become the person that you would like to be.  I was too young when I entered into my own relationship.  If you use this time to strenghten your inner core you will one day have a relationship where you will feel confident, proud, satisfied and happy.

In closing, the next time you see the hugging couples in the park try not to think of how alone you are.  Instead, try to realize that you are lucky in many other ways.  Let go of some of your fears and things should fall into place.

I wish you the best.  And when you are lonely come back to this forum.  We are all here to share our pain and victories together.

Cass

 

 


Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 7/25/2007 7:03 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for sharing that beautiful post. It really helped alot, you are so right about it being OK to be with yourself and that being happy first does count.

For awhile I had this horrible idea in my head that ill never really know my full potential until i'm in a relationship, and maybe some part of that is true, but i cant base my life around that.

You're right, we don't know what goes on behind closed doors, and right now im free to figure out what i want, and i do have time...although sometimes i feel my biological clock is ticking way earlier than it should...but theres nothing i can do about it at the moment. I can only hope I learn what I need to do at 24 so that I'm not in this same situation years from now.

Thank you again so much and i hope your situation continues to improve as well!!!
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 7/25/2007 12:12 PM (GMT -7)   
I can completely relate Jenni - I live near a beach and park, and I see "happy" couples *constantly* - walking their dog, holding hands, picnic-ing, etc. It can be incredibly nauseating and upsetting to see what everyone else has and what I don't. And then I feel so guilty for envying them - why shouldn't people be happy and enjoying themselves?!? But like Cass said (which I hadn't thought of either), we don't know what's going on the rest of the time (thanks for that Cass!). What we see is probably only a small part of the picture.

Being alone is so hard - but somehow we have to find a way to be happy within ourselves before we can have a healthy relationship with anyone else. Probably sounds corny, but it's true. But it's still so hard - I totally relate - and my "happy" friends don't have these feelings at all. They cannot relate, which makes me feel even worse and borderline nutty (ie. what's wrong with me that I feel this way???)

Of course you are good enough, we are all good enough... we just have to really believe it and install it in ourselves, so it shines through.

At least you are trying online dating and meetup groups - that's probably more than some people do. I joined a dance class in January, which I really enjoy. There's no guys in it, but that's not why I joined - I did that for myself. I would keep doing what you're doing... just keep talking to people, meeting as many people as possible, growing your network, and invite people to do things instead of waiting for people to ask you (which is what I'm guilty of).

Hang in there - it will happen - you just have to believe in yourself and all the good qualities that you have to offer!

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 8/3/2007 9:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Jenni and bluestorm: Thanks so much for your responding comments. It's nice to know that others are in similar positions or share the same feelings/fears that I do. I wish you both luck and hope to touch base with you again.

Cass

Mr.Intensity
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 8/3/2007 11:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Buddy, I'm feeling you! and with exposure to central park, all that's even tougher on a single. I hate cliche' sp? (time worn, one-size-fits-all) advise so I'll share this:
I have no problem getting dates either, but deep inside I have this self-defeating feeling like; "I fear you won't like me when you really get to know me"
They usually hang in there, with me, until I bring "my prophecy " to fruition :)
Good Luck and I hope your feeling better soon.
If you want something you never had, ya' gotta' do something you never did ... careful with that one :)


Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 8/4/2007 10:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I have a date tonight, a first date, and i feel like it's just another disaster waiting to happen! i dont know how i keep going after all the crap i've been through with guys! I'm getting a little panicky and am thinking about taking an additional dose of my anti-anxiety meds but i dont wanna depend on them so much!
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 8/4/2007 12:54 PM (GMT -7)   

Jeni

Think of your date as an experience and don't assume it will be a disaster.  Keep an open mind and  remind yourself you are a kind and caring person, you deserve to have some fun............so off you go and have fun.

Miracles do happen you know?


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
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healthboy
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/5/2007 5:09 AM (GMT -7)   
Wonderful things can happen unexpectedly, don't give up! you will find someone :)
Health Disease


Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 8/6/2007 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
i actually had 2 dates this weekend, and its all getting to be too much...i want to find someone so bad so i know i have to keep doing this but i also should be taking a break...its too hard...i had a great time on both dates, one moreso than the other, and its all just a game waiting to find out which one will call me, which one will actually want a relationship, and IF on the slight chance they do, will I want them...its a corny phrase, but my heart hurts....i feel so crapty today, just knowing i have to wait for something to happen or not to happen. i wish i could just enjoy the great date i had last night, i got to ride on a motorcycle for the first time! i should be in a good mood today! but im really really not :(
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 8/8/2007 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   
bump?

I thought being lonely and single would be more popular among this crowd but no one seems to be responding...regardless ill continue the story of my futile pursuit to find a mate. I went on a date on Saturday, had a pretty good time, the guy made it clear that he was into me, the way he kissed me at the end said it all.
...however I asked him a couple days later if he would like to hang out again and he says that he thought about it long and hard and thinks that the fact that I don't eat meat (i'm a pescatarian, i only eat fish) would get on his nerves and we shouldn't bother.
This dating stuff keeps getting more ridiculous as time goes on, how do people ever get together?!
There is one other guy i like, i met him on a plane, the kind of stuff that only happens in movies...but I have a feeling it's just going to go nowhere as well.
I wish my singleness didn't consume my whole life :(
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


stm177
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 8/8/2007 11:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Do you like to read books? Maybe there's a book club you could join near you?

I just looked on Meetup.com and there's a ton of book clubs in NYC.

I'd think it would be a fun way of meeting other women too, and they might try to fix you up with a friend of their husband or whatever.

Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 8/8/2007 11:43 AM (GMT -7)   
I've been to a bunch of meetups, I go on plenty of dates, but something always goes wrong.
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


stm177
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 8/8/2007 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
24 is still really young though. If you're going on tons of dates, then someone will click with you and things will turn out.

Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 8/8/2007 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   
I dont know how many more years i can handle this, ive been dating pretty consistently for 7 years and regardless of my age thats a long time...since i never was in a serious relationship for longer than a month or so i literally never had a break in 7 years..im tired and hopeless.
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


stm177
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 8/8/2007 12:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Can you go out to the movies with girlfriends instead? I think you're combining your loneliness and your dating prospects together, when you should treat them separately. That is, if you make lots of girlfriends, and fill up that loneliness with just general socializing, you won't put so much pressure on yourself to find that one special guy. Then, before you know it, that guy will find you, and you'll have him, a house, two dogs, 2 kids and a new minivan. yeah

Jenni462
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 8/8/2007 1:43 PM (GMT -7)   
In my above posts I mentioned I am new to New York City, I have no girlfriends to go out with.
"On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion."

Crohn's - (Asacol)
Anxiety - (Klonopin)


els
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2005
Total Posts : 4031
   Posted 8/8/2007 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   

Jenni dear, I am a little concerned that you mentioned you have been dating for so long a period of time and not had a serious relationship that lasted over a month.  I wonder if you have certain requirements that you look for in a guy?  Perhaps, you may have some of those standards set too high? or not high enough? I don't know... But when you say your tired and frustrated, no matter how much you long for a relationship, how about just giving yourself a break for a while.  Believe me you wont miss out on the perfect guy while you are MIA.

Do something good for yourself like joining a health club.  This is a wonderful place to meet/make some girlfriends and not to mention there are guys there too...But that aside it does sound like you need some female interaction, someone to talk to and go out on the town with.  It may also help with some of loneliness and curb some of that need to have a relationship right now.


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bluestorm
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 22
   Posted 8/9/2007 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Jenni,

I was reading your recent posts and I just wanted to say... if dating is causing you too much pain/suffering etc., then perhaps it is a good idea to take a break for a while?  My therapist told me that if it's too destructive or damaging, then don't do it.  Yes, we all want to find a mate, but it doesn't sound like you're in the frame of mind to have a relationship right now?  I dont mean that as a judgment or criticism either - you sound unhappy and I don't think a relationship will be the thing that will make you happy.  You'll just carry that unhappiness into a relationship and of course it won't work out. 

You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you - please don't put so much pressure on yourself.  Think of dating as an experience or as practice of getting to know people and discovering the qualities you'd like in a partner *and* the great qualities about yourself!  It's NOT a reflection of you if a guy doesn't call ever again.  If you go into dating with a negative mindset (ie. it's just a matter of time before it goes sideways), then it certainly will go sideways.  I'm sure you've heard the expression: that which we fear the most will always meet us halfway. 

These are just my opinions from experience - I'm 34 and in the same situation, so I completely sympathize (but at least you're only 24 - lol!).  Try to see the positive that at least you had a few dates - I'd say that's pretty good! :)


CRANKY 1
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 616
   Posted 8/9/2007 11:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Girls,
 
You all are still pretty young when it comes to the dating world.  In cosmopolitan areas, like NYC, a lot of singles work on their careers for several years, and don't get down to serious dating until much later than areas that are more suburban.  You notice the people that are doing things you would like to be doing yourselves.  You probably just tune out all the other singles doing the watching exercise. 
 
Do something wacky.  Get a Super Shooter water gun, sit on a park bench, and shoot any cute guy that passes by.  Or maybe aim at them if you are pretty good with a frisbee.  Heck, borrow someone's dog and take it for a walk.  Recreation areas are great people meeting locations.  Everyone is trying to relax, have fun, people watch, etc...  Give it a try, you might just meet someone really compatible.  Plus, daytime meetings or get togethers are much less stressful than night dates.  No worrying about who calls who first, what outfit to wear, where to go, transportation, make out or not, etc....
 
Be grateful that you are on the beginning side.  Your story is yet to be written.  I, on the other hand, am on the other side.  I've had two major relationships in my life, strangely both lasted about 8 yrs.  I'm now 42, divorced, and living on disability.  My prospects of finding a new mate are pretty slim, and at this age, any available man has a huge amount of baggage dragging behind him.  Heck, when you end up single at my age, you wonder if you'll ever have sex again.  Last year I had a hot 3mth torrid fling with an old friend, and it was the best sex I've ever had, literally.  I think I'm ruined for life now.  It can't possibly ever get better.  Seems like it's all downhill from here.
 
Good luck to you youngin's.  I'm sure the right guy is just around the corner.  Let us know things go.
 
SPECIAL NOTE TO JOEHEALINGNOW:  You come across as being superior, in fact pretty pompous.  Maybe your next post won't sound like you are a know-it-all.  Just an observation.
 
Leigh Ann cool

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                                             - Jimmy Buffett
 
 

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