I'm sorry to hear how lonely you have been feeling. I know before i had my son i used to have many lonely days and evenings, sitting in my room by myself. It got so bad at one point i even got a cat to keep me company, which he did bless him, but it was no substitute. Like you i could make no relationship last, and back then the only people i seemed to attract were the drunks or the drug addicts! Maybe they sensed my lack of confidence and vulnerability, who knows? I wasn't ready to meet someone back then, although i was desperate too, because i wasn't well enough and what i really wanted was for someone to save me and make things all better. Of course a proper relationship is give and take, half and half, you both put into the relationship, not one person saving another from sheer hell. I also sub consciously went for the not so nice people because firstly i didn't feel i deserved any better, and secondly i knew where i was at with them, they were going to be nasty and i expected it. It was kind of like if i was with someone who could put me down to rock bottom, i wouldn't have to do it so much, so although it felt horrible being in those relationships, it also felt comfortable and familiar. I had a lot of issues with my dad from when i was growing up, not being there, or being stressed and unkind when he was there, so i repeated a lot of those patterns too.
It was only when i decided to start building my life up, doing what i wanted to do, building a future for myself, that i was really ready to meet someone. I was on my own for four years with my son (ex was an alcoholic), and in that time i went back to college part time and worked really hard to get myself into uni. I'm now in uni doing a part time course so i can still take care of my son, and three years ago i met someone really lovely. We balance eachother out, he's really optimistic and i'm really pessimistic!, we help eachother out studying for our courses (he's studying too), we help eachother out at home, when he's not there we talk on the phone etc.... It's how a healthy relationship should be, we each give something to the relationship. That's because i took the time to build the foundations of me and my life, and be in a position where i was truly ready to meet someone, and very importantly someone nice who i deserved to be with (not some loser i thought i deserved to be with before).
You will find someone when you are truly ready to. It's hard to trust anyone, i still have some walls up, and he's slowly removing them bit at a time. It all takes time to get out of old habits and patterns, and really have the faith to trust someone, and let them close. I've been hurt badly in the past, and it took me a long time, and a lot to trust someone again.
Keep going out to social things, start by making friends, gradually get closer to them in your own time. It doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as you're always making slow progress and letting someone a bit closer to who you are over time. Take it at your own pace, whatever you feel comfortable wityh. When you eventually have that trust with friends, and make some close friendships, you'll be a step closer to being close with a partner. My partner always says, time takes care of everything
As for grimicing at couples, don't worry about that, half the people walking around are couples, the other half are people grimicing at them lol!!!! I used to be one of the grimicers!
Jenni. I agree with much of what Sarah said. But I have a little more to add. I am just about 40 and was divorced about 2 1/2 years ago from my husband. We were married for 14 years and had been together for about 22 years. We had met when I was 15 years old and were married when I was 21.
I understand how you feel about the loneliness. When my two daughters go to bed each night or at their dad's on Saturday nights I feel so isolated and alone. I lost many of "our" friends when we divorced and had lost almost all of mine during our marriage. My former husband somehow always found fault with each of my friends and/or most activities that I had engaged in.
It truly hurts to see couples together and especially when they look so happy. And it fuels my depression and feelings of "I'm just not good enough." But like Sarah said, I am trying to push these feelings aside and am now trying to better myself first. I am currently in a graduate program to become a teacher. I know I will feel accomplished and confident when I finally achieve it. I need to lose a "ton" of weight and I need to learn how to like myself. So yes, I have many doubts (plus more) than you had expressed.
What I am trying to do now is figure out who I am and who I would like to become. I will soon be venturing out to try to pursue other interests such as sewing, taking "how to" classes at home depot, learn appropriate ettiquette and more. My therapist says this will all build my self confidence and help me to feel whole and complete. I'm not even close to that yet, but that's my goal. Could this work for you? Rather than looking for that "perfect" soulmate right now--work on making yourself happy first and you will come across as a much happier and better person.
And in regards to those all so happy couples that you see in the park - appearances can be very deceiving. We don't know how long those happy moments last or the true quality of those relationships. I know in my marriage everyone thought we were the perfect couple. We always presented ourselves well and my husband did not show his judgemental and controlling traits to others. It was always in the privacy of our own home. We honestly do not know what goes on behind closed doors. While being alone can make us desperately miserable it can also make us happy to know that we are free to be ourselves and do not have to mold ourselves into what someone else wants us to be. Many of my "happily married" friends have often expressed their envy to me that they wish they could change places with me so that they didn't always have to accomodate the needs of someone else.
You sound like a mature 24 year old. My advice is to use this time wisely to develop your own interests to become the person that you would like to be. I was too young when I entered into my own relationship. If you use this time to strenghten your inner core you will one day have a relationship where you will feel confident, proud, satisfied and happy.
In closing, the next time you see the hugging couples in the park try not to think of how alone you are. Instead, try to realize that you are lucky in many other ways. Let go of some of your fears and things should fall into place.
I wish you the best. And when you are lonely come back to this forum. We are all here to share our pain and victories together.
Think of your date as an experience and don't assume it will be a disaster. Keep an open mind and remind yourself you are a kind and caring person, you deserve to have some fun............so off you go and have fun.
Miracles do happen you know?
Jenni dear, I am a little concerned that you mentioned you have been dating for so long a period of time and not had a serious relationship that lasted over a month. I wonder if you have certain requirements that you look for in a guy? Perhaps, you may have some of those standards set too high? or not high enough? I don't know... But when you say your tired and frustrated, no matter how much you long for a relationship, how about just giving yourself a break for a while. Believe me you wont miss out on the perfect guy while you are MIA.
Do something good for yourself like joining a health club. This is a wonderful place to meet/make some girlfriends and not to mention there are guys there too...But that aside it does sound like you need some female interaction, someone to talk to and go out on the town with. It may also help with some of loneliness and curb some of that need to have a relationship right now.
ElishaCo~Mod: DepressionModerator: Heart & Cardiovascular Diseasehttp://www.healingwell.com/donate
I was reading your recent posts and I just wanted to say... if dating is causing you too much pain/suffering etc., then perhaps it is a good idea to take a break for a while? My therapist told me that if it's too destructive or damaging, then don't do it. Yes, we all want to find a mate, but it doesn't sound like you're in the frame of mind to have a relationship right now? I dont mean that as a judgment or criticism either - you sound unhappy and I don't think a relationship will be the thing that will make you happy. You'll just carry that unhappiness into a relationship and of course it won't work out.
You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you - please don't put so much pressure on yourself. Think of dating as an experience or as practice of getting to know people and discovering the qualities you'd like in a partner *and* the great qualities about yourself! It's NOT a reflection of you if a guy doesn't call ever again. If you go into dating with a negative mindset (ie. it's just a matter of time before it goes sideways), then it certainly will go sideways. I'm sure you've heard the expression: that which we fear the most will always meet us halfway.
These are just my opinions from experience - I'm 34 and in the same situation, so I completely sympathize (but at least you're only 24 - lol!). Try to see the positive that at least you had a few dates - I'd say that's pretty good! :)