It is really this bad isnt it?

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faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/23/2007 5:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I was looking through the posts i have and my life is really very awful isnt it?  I dont know you guys but i dont see the light at the end of the tunnel.  i have lost the last strand of hope i had last week so i dont know what to do.  do i keep promises or not? are they worth it to anyone anymore?  dont answer that because they mean nothing to anyone!  I need the ones i love so much and i am here alone for what ever reason, am i really that bad of a person, dont answer that either, it is almost like i dont exist anymore, i could disappear and noone would know and if they knew they wouldnt care, i really feel as if noone cares, i know you guys do but i need that comfort that only a few can give a couple are my family and the other one goes without saying.  i realize that no matter what i do i am going to be nothing to the most important people i love, i am sorry to those i have let down, i did my best i guess what i am saying is that i will sit here in this house alone in the dark and wait for something to make up my mind.  i am a sorry excuse and i see it by the way things are in my life because i am here because of me, i absolutely hate me!!!!!!
I am crying so hard, what am i going to do, i cant do this, i really cant.  i dont want to go through this alone but what do i do when i really need the comfort i cant have, i do have a suggestion, i wont share it though.
i am so sad, you cant even imagine
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


Drconnoisseur
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 102
   Posted 7/23/2007 6:01 PM (GMT -7)   

Oh, Teresa, I am so sorry.  We've never talked before.  My name is Jenn.  I have been in that hell that you're in now, when I thought there was only one way out.  I don't know your situation, and I've never been the type to think that things will always get better, because for some people they don't.  But...for most people they do.  They got better for me, and I swear the words you're writing could have been written by me three years ago.  I can't say I would've blamed me if I had done something terrible to myself, because I was so down and my life really does suck sometimes.  But at the same time, I am SO glad I didn't, because I got better, and life got better, and I have spent three more years with people (and two dogs) whom I love.  It hasn't all been fun and games; life is hard.  But I think you have to live it for the small moments that bring you joy.  And I do believe that this, too, shall pass, and you will have some more moments of joy in your life. 

And I know you said not to answer this question, but you are not a terrible person.  You know how I know?  Because you are asking yourself these questions and feel so bad about yourself--that is precisely how I know.  Believe me when I say that the truly awful, evil people out there are that way because they never bother to ask what is wrong with themselves, and they can never admit fault.  Anyone who beats him/herself up the way you are must at least care about whether he or she is a good person, and that's the most important step towards being a good person, in my mind.

I'm also not the type to gloss over things and say you have nothing to be depressed about; the world is a sunny, happy place; snap out of it; life is always good, etc.  But I do think that most of the time it is worth living, despite all the hardships it brings.  Please, I don't know if what I've said has helped at all or made things worse, but please, please, please check back so we'll know you are okay, if not mentally, at least physically.  Mental states CAN change, but if you hurt yourself that won't ever change. 


29 yo female with two fuzzy children: a Pom named Snuggles and a Pom mix named PomPom.
Health History: Type I diabetes (19 years), allergies/asthma, hypothyroidism, osteopenia & multiple fractures, iron-deficiency anemia, Crohn's (of course), and depression (go figure.)
Crohn's History:  May have had it since I was 11 (1988-89), definitely have had it since I was 15, was diagnosed when I was 25 (2003), was un-diagnosed in 2005 and re-diagnosed June 2007.   


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 7/23/2007 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I've been where you are not so many years ago. I truly beleived everything you are feeling. Did you get my e-mail? I agree with Jenn. You wouldn't be asking yourself these questions of self worth if it wasn't already in you. I've answered some of your other posts so you know I have very positive beleifs in you. Perhaps you really need to talk to your counselor or dr. I'm a firm beleiver in counseling. It has helped me more times than I can count. I've even been hospitalized because those bad places that you go, have taken me to an even darker places. Please let us know on a regular basis that you are o.k. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Bionca

Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 7/23/2007 11:38 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,

I so hope you are feeling a little better today. Sometimes even one day can make a big difference in how we feel. I went through severe depression in 1994 when my ex-husband left me. I felt I had nothing to live for. I was so wrong. Even though I was going to therapy here in my home town, I knew I had to get away and do inpatient treatment for depression. I went out to CA. I live in KY and wanted to get as far away as I could. I was just not ready to face divorce court.

I hope you are seeing a therapist or at least have someone to talk to on a regular basis. I am so glad I am still around, not only because of my two wonderful daughters, but also now because of my three beautiful grandchildren. I would have so cheated myself if I had checked out of this world and missed out on the opportunity of being a part of their lives. Please feel free to email me any time. If you do, please put something in the subject line about healing well so I will know who it is.

I so want you to feel better because I remember what it feels like. I still get some depression now, but not like it used to be.

Please take good care of yourself!

Carla
Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, hypothyroidism


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 7/27/2007 8:19 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks so much for the replies.  I am doing ok and have had a handful of ok days lately.  I have been able to spend time with the person that truly keeps me going.  I feel empowered and valuable when we are together.
 
My life is still in shambles and I have had to make some really hard decisions lately and it is only going to get more complicated.  That is where the feelings of hopelessness come in because it just seems as if I try so hard and it gets better and then it gets worse.
 
However, I am trying, it is the weekend and they are so terrible!
 
I am trying.
Teresa
" We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo
 
Of all the moments in my life, you were always there somewhere. Once as a wish. Once as a blessing. And now as the greatest loss I'll ever experience."
Unknown


Singer69
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 197
   Posted 7/27/2007 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,

I have to say that you have been a big supporter of mine through my own ordeal and I would gladly be there for you any time. On the days when I feel that things just can't get better (i.e., hopelessness), I come here and there's usually someone dispensing some sort of positive support. You are one of those people. I hope that I can do the same for you.

You are clearly a very caring lady and that alone is worth going on to another day. I can't say that I've been where you are, but on those days when I feel terrible, I try and remember the last time I had one of those days and I remember that it didn't last forever. There are better days ahead. There always is as long as we keep keepin' on, if that makes sense. Don't give up. There are people here who care about you and will always be here for support.

Feel free to Email me any time.

Rick...
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 7/27/2007 10:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Teresa,
 
I'll be around all weekend. I can't drive because of those silly seizures.  I do sneak every once in a while since my seizures the past six months have only happened in the middle of the night.  Any way, please feel free to email me if you need to talk.
 
Take care!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, hypothyroidism


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/29/2007 5:36 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Teresa,

I am right here and following you closely. I am glad you have at least one person to help you out and that you can spend sometime with this special person.

You are a caring person and you still take the time to read and post to others in need and that shows me how strong you are.  WIth a lot of help and support you will find the light.

Special Hugs to you.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
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_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 7/30/2007 12:59 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi Teresa,

Having a special someone around must be doing you good at the moment. Like Kitt, I am always here and supporting you. I think its great that you still come on to HW and help others, even when you are struggling yourself. It takes a really strong person to be able to do that and I am glad that you have had some OK days... you deserve them. There is a light at the end of the tunnel... I promise. I just dont know how long the tunnel is.

Take Care

Darren


Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/4/2007 9:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Once again, you guys always seem to be there when I need you the most.  I havent been on for several days because of my inability to function at a level that even demands turning on a computer.  I was found myself devoured in my cross-stitch project which makes the minutes turn into hours and for me that is good right now and all i have.  my support person is helping as much as they can but i am realizing that what i want out of that relationship will never be, and it makes me feel so hopeless and alone.  I actually feel as if i disappeared, i would not be missed at least not long enough for anyone to wonder what happened to me.  I am reminded of this when the weekends come and from friday til monday, i could dissapear and noone would even know until the next week.  if that is not enough to make you run away, i dont know what is.  i have just had the feeling of being someone that is a waste of space on this earth and times when i really need someone here, THAT SOMEONE, they arent here and with that i feel like i do right now, hopeless and faithless.
you guys however are and have been a blessing for me as you are today.  the words and feelings that are sent my way make me wish that i could meet each and everyone of you to give you hugs in appreciation for making my worst days somewhat positive.  you are the greatest group of people in the world.
 
keep me in your prayers and know that i care about you guys as well.
 
" A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."
Submitted by Lysha

ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 8/5/2007 7:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Teresa

I had those days after my divorce,my kids would go with their dad for the weekend and then that was it. I was alone,my phone did not ring family did not call because I think they did not want to deal with my depression.
I started taking walks on my own and renting movies and then crying for the rest of the day and night.

Just remember that we all worry and care about you very much.

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
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"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


bionca
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 106
   Posted 8/5/2007 6:22 PM (GMT -7)   

Teresa,

I seriously want you to start having some faith in yourself. You are always in doubt of your self worth. Anyone who can care about others as you do, has a great deal of self worth. If you were to "disappear" I for one would miss your presence.  You give so much to others, give some to yourself. You can stand alone on your two feet, you don't need someone for that, you just don't know it in your heart yet. I believe in you.

Bionca

 

 


Diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, Epstein-Barr virus, and severe depression. Have been on Prozac, cylexa, Effexor, and Wellbutrin. Currently, I am prescription free and doing well.


faithfully4you
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 870
   Posted 8/5/2007 6:37 PM (GMT -7)   
:-)  Bionca~
You are truly an angel! 
Shy~
You are a wonder as well!
Everyone here has really made me feel worthwhile.  If I had you guys in my city, I think that my life would be so much better because i would friends to confide in instead of this stupid computer.  The site is one of the only reasons i even get on this anymore.
 
You guys are great, ALL OF YOU!!!!!
Teresa
 
It is the heart which perceives God and not the reason. That is what faith is: God perceived by the heart, not by the reason.
 
(Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French scientist, philosopher. Pensées (1670), no. 424, ed. Krailsheimer; no. 278, ed. Brunschvicg.)
 


stm177
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 8/5/2007 7:05 PM (GMT -7)   
I'd miss your colorful writing. I've had many of the same feelings you have at one time or another. I often feel like my blackest moods were a separate being like a ghost or spirit, and that ghost would wrap around me like a snake. It was a feeling that was there to be with me and I could hold onto her like she held onto me. When I was on Effexor, she was locked away because she could only come out at night, and the drug made things so sunny all the time. I had to stop taking Effexor because of the side effects and it was making other health problems worse.

djdaz_1985
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2006
Total Posts : 2408
   Posted 8/6/2007 1:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Faithfully: I think your coloured writing is great too. It often breaks up a sea of black writing and I am sure I have read some research on "colours and depression" although I could be wrong!
 
stm177: I have not heard of someone describe depression as a snake before. Although when I read your post, it did make sense to me. Do you take other meds now? Have you found other ways of locking the snake up?
 
Best Wishes to all
 
Darren
Everyone has a guardian angel. They help pick you up when you fall, comfort you through your times of need and help you appreciate the times when things are going well.
 
Moderator - Epilepsy Forum
Co-Moderator - Depression Forum
 
Help support the forums so we can support you:  http://www.healingwell.com/donate
 


stm177
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 90
   Posted 8/6/2007 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm going to make an appointment this week to get a different anti.
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