Still struggling to hold myself together.

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Gemsi
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Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 7/25/2007 11:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Hey guys, just in need of another random whinge again, Sorry sad  
 
I feel so sad inside, and it feels like my heart is breaking, I have a load of anger, and I'm not quite sure where it's come from.
 
Things have been stressfull recently, but not stressfull to warrent the anger, I'm sure of it. I've been so snappy and bitter towards anything and everyone. 
 
My mood has been so up and down recently, it seems to be when my moods up, I have a good amount of energy, so can bounce around doing stuff quite happily. But, then depression kicks in, and it makes me tired and lethargic.
 
The trouble is, the tiniest little thing can turn me from happy to sad, from lively to tired, from care-free to really angry at everything.
 
When the rage kicks in, all positive energy turns into negative, and I try to do stuff to get rid of it, but then I feel exhausted, but still feel agitated.
 
Not only is my mood affected, but so is my appetite.
 
For the last 3 days, I've hardley eaten anything or drunk anything. I decided yesterday to go to the shop to get food. But there was nothing that didn't make me feel queezy. I eventualy just settled for sweets and snacks. Because snacking, is better than not eating at all.
 
I really should get used to my mum, but she's upset me again this morning.
She'd said that instead of helping with the wedding, she was giving us £100 towards it. Which was fine by me. I avoided saying anything about it, while we were arguing, because, well, I'd just not get the money. And we've already worked that money into our budget for the catering.
She rang up today, to say she was back off her holiday, spoke for a good half hour about how great it was (Yes, it's obviously me who's self-obsessed, and yes, this is the holiday that she was moaning about, that was stressing her out last week.) I just mumbeld yer great. She eventually topped, so I slipped in about money, and oh my god, you'd think I'd just shouted at her and demanded it such was the reply. Infact here's the reply:
'Yes Gemma, I know I said I'd give you the money on my next payday, which is Friday, I told you that, but I thought we were supposed to be going to the costco together. I booked off work for you and everything. I said I'd buy all the food for you'
Now, bearing in mind, that she said she'd give me the money back in April.
I asked her when she had booked off work, to go to the cost co. Her reply was 2 days before the wedding. She'd somehow decided to ignore the fact I had a humungus chest freezer here. One that you could fit me into twice. And that we'd have nowhere to store food.
Basically she's managed to rope herself back into the wedding that she wanted nothing to do with. And, I'm hugely relying on her for the money.
 
Oh, I think I might have just found the reason for my anger, for today anyway.
 
I really feel like tearing my hair out. Why does she do this to me everytime I talk to her?
 
 
Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 7/25/2007 11:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Ok, I actually phoned my mum just now, to say all this, but now she has no recollection of anything she's said. That I must be lying, and that she doesn't think there's an atmosphere whenever my mum is in the same room as Paul.
I held up a little, and shot back at her, when she tried to work out, why I was irritated about it all. And said, you don't realy want to know, so it doesn't matter.

I feel ready to explode, I really do, I don't want to have to keep carrying on like this.
With my mum being the way she is, and then al the medical things that keep going unexplained. I can't handle her anymore.
From now on, she's just gonna have to speak to Paul or someone. I've done with feeling so bad whenever she rings.

I'm sorry for adding my little mind here. It's just so muddled at the minute, and I can't untangle any of it.
All I do know is I'm hurting so much inside, it's like I'm being strangled by what everyone else wants from me.


Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05

Post Edited (Darkies Gem) : 7/25/2007 12:28:25 PM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/25/2007 1:58 PM (GMT -7)   

Gems,

Whoa sweetie, you are going through a rough time, I sure agree with that. I understand the sadness and also the anger.  But let me ask, who is driving this bus, you or your Mom?

It should be you and I would like you to throw paper plates when your angry and get that out.

Then sit down and make a list for the wedding and how YOU want it to go.  It is your wedding.  Invite your Mother to  have a nice calm conversation about how you can work things out so it is a win-win situation.

I suspect your Mother knows how to push your buttons and knocks you self esteem into low gear.

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion.

So let's get your selfesteem back up there and know that you can handle your Mother. Do not be goaded and remain calm, that will be your biggest challenge.
 
Save you anger and throw those paper plates later but when talking to her stay in the moment.
 
You are the bride, remember that.
You have my support and lots of hugs and love ya kiddo.
Kitt



Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 

Post Edited (stkitt) : 7/25/2007 3:03:55 PM (GMT-6)


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/26/2007 3:14 PM (GMT -7)   

Good Afternoon Gems

How are you doing?  I hope  you have had a chance to sort out the wedding issues and please keep posting when you can.  We are here for you.

Your in my prayers.

Hugs to you.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 7/27/2007 3:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Morning Kitt!
So far, I haven't been able to ring my mum back. I just feel sick everytime I try. Even to the point of actually retching when I picked up the phone yesterday.

Feel REALLY dizzy again, I seriosuly just feel like I'm going to fall over whenever I stand up. I'm having to force feed myself again, as I just don't feel hungry. My trousers are already starting to loosen. Hopefully, Ill be hungry in a couple of days, so can manage a few skandishakes to give me a boost of vitamins and fat.

Should be getting my wedding shoes today, aslong as Paul remembers to pick them up. If not, I'm going to have a sore throat again tomorrow, from where I've screamed at him.

Going to attempt the GP again, in about 5 minutes. I need to pick up my prescription. Not looking forward to it at all, but am going to try my hardest to get an appointment with them.

Thankyou for responing Kitt, and hope you are ok!
returning your hugs in generous amounts.

Gem
Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05


ShynSassy
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 3036
   Posted 7/27/2007 4:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Gem
I too have problems with my mom,and we get to the point to where we do not speak to each other for a few months. Then one of us gives in. But it has always been like that with us.
Family can cause alot of stress,it seems that is one thing I can't get rid of in order to protect myself for the depression and anxiety attacks.

And planning a wedding is so hard..your nerves are going crazy and it almost sounds as if you might need more help.
Is there anyway that your finance can deal with your mom? Just tell him that you have had enough,maybe he will be able to set her straight..or another idea is to have someone else step in to help you with the wedding. Someone that can deal with your family and just tell them that you needed some help with the wedding and this person is doing that.

Keep us posted

Shy
Mod- Depression

Chronic Depression, Panic Attacks,Anxiety Attacks,Anorexia
Meds I have taken throughout the years:Wellbutrin,Tranxene,Paxil,Prozac,Valium,
Off of all meds at this time...woohoo!!
www.healingwell.com/donate



"I am woman,hear me roar one day and cry the next!!!"


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/27/2007 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   

Hey Gems,

Hope you made it to the physicians ok and are doing better.  Keep drinking if you can't eat and stay hydrated, could be the cause of your dizziness......not enough fluids.

I am thinking of you so please know you are special. yeah yeah yeah

Lots of gentle hugs.


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 7/28/2007 8:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, it's been quite a nice day today.
It was a bit stresfull to start with (mother playing her usual role so well)
My mum phoned, just after I woke up. So I had morning irritabiltiy and crankyness anyway. But, long story short- I'm not getting money from her to help. But thankgod, she's finally just going to leave me alone where catering is concerened.
She tried to make me feel guilty this morning, for not leting her have anything to do with the wedding. And she was adament we were going shopping in about an hour from when she phoned, to get food for the wedding.
I kind of did myself quite proud though, and stood my ground. Told her she wasn't sorting catering. Told her she wasn't even sorting half of catering, as she doesn't seem to have learnt polite communication skills yet. She eventually gave up, and said she wasn't just giving me the hundred pound. But, well, I think the wedding will be better if I'm not stressed. And as my mum seems to be the main giver of such stres, it's best I don't actually HAVE to talk to her. Which I would do if she had kept that hold over me.
I'd understand if maybe, I'd kept her out of wedding plans, and not give her an option to help. I asked her as soon as we'd booked the date, what she wanted to do, and warned her I was not going to be in between her and Paul's mum if ideas clash. But, she said she didn't have the time to do anything, and she wasn't willing to talk to Paul's mum to sort things. Her tough luck really.
 
It's kind of broke my heart a bit that she can be acting like that. And I know that deep down somewhere I'm so angry with her. But for today, I don't have the mental energy to cope with that. Today I'm in the brightest of pink tops, with white trousers and loveheart pumps. I'm just concentrating on colours really, and how bright and smiley they make me feel.
 
It's really nice and hot and sunny today, so we went round to my mum-in-law-to-be's, and sat out in the garden, had dinner and just chilled. I haven't sat out in the sun for ages, because everytime the sun comes out, I'm on Ciprofloxacin, which makes me highly photosensitive. So, it was kind of like something new and different.
 
Anyway, I just want to say thankyou so so much for your kind words and support. I think in all honesty, I'd have still been stood crumbling in a corner this morning, if you hadn't said what you did.
 
 
For today at least, I'm only noticing good things, and having a rest from the bad.
 
Kitt-I am drinking loads now. Never thought about that, as I'm always having to think about eating, I forget about drinking. Also got highcal shakes yesterday afternoon, which are thinner in consistancy than whole-fat milk, and incredibly easy to drink. They're also full of vitamins and nutrients.
 
Loads and loads of pink hugs (seriously bright pink, I'll get pictures later).
 
Gem
 
 
 
 


Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05


stkitt
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Apr 2007
Total Posts : 32602
   Posted 7/28/2007 11:22 AM (GMT -7)   

Hey Gems

Kudos for you and I am glad your feeling better.  I love bright colors too so make sure you get that picture, then print it and put it out where you can look at it and see what a good day looks like............... yeah

Sitting outside having a lovely lunch sounds devine.  I cannot sit in direct sunlight either but once in awhile I do for a few minutes.

Enjoy your whole week-end. You have many happy hugs and my support.

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

 

 


Respectfully
Kitt
Moderator Anxiety ~ Panic Disorders
*~* Not a mental health professional at all *~*
Dx: Anxiety/Panic, Depression 
******www.healingwell.com/donate******
_____________________________________________________
"If you doubt you can accomplish something, then you can’t accomplish it. You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” 
~Rosalyn Carter

 


Another Day
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 1055
   Posted 7/28/2007 7:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Gem,
 
I am so excited for you.  You took back your power!  That Kitt is a smart lady, you should listen to her more often.  I'm so glad you had such a beautiful day.  Try hard not to let your Mom draw you back in on the wedding plans.  You just can't afford to deal with this added stress.  And after all, it is supposed to be your day. 
 
One day when I'm not so tired I may share with you all my mother story.  Five years ago, I chose to no longer have a relationship with her.  You get to choose your friends, but you don't get to choose your family.  A lot of times your friends are your family.
 
Stay happy!
 
Carla

Epilepsy, severe adult onset asthma, allergies, GERD, hypothyroidism


Gemsi
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 1050
   Posted 8/8/2007 11:55 AM (GMT -7)   
Just thought I'd give a bit of an update. Only been glancing through things recently, as really don't have the strength to try to help other people.

2 days ago my mum phoned, and told me none of family are coming too my wedding reception. I was sort of expecting it, but it still really took my breath away with shock.
Phoned my Gran up, see if I could get anymore sense out of her. She's taken all my mum's lies as fact. And, that I'm disowning them all after wedding, as fact. Tried too point out, I'd only threatened disowning people, after arguments with my mum. Anyway, after enough shouting, I just said fine. If you don't want to come too my wedding reception, because you wil be uncomfortable, you aint coming too my wedding either, because the same people will be there.
Noone's got back in touch.
I've wore pink every day this week, infact i looked like a marshmellow yesterday. Just too try give myself a boost back into reality.

I've spent the last couple of days just on autopilot.
I've spent every day for the last week or so, round at Paul's mum's house. Cooing over my little newborn nephew. I try to say in the house, but I just feel so alone. While I'm round there, baby cuddles are in vast amounts. Nothing better than a baby too cure your depression. Trouble is, I come home and I feel even worse. I have to give Kain back at the end of the day.

I realy can't wait till September, when I start too see my psychiatrist, because I'm hoping she can stop things hurtng so bad. Or, if she can find a way of helpig me too deal with things better.
As it is, a little happyness, and I jump on it with both feet and lots of enthusiasm. But because I jump on so fast, when the happiness wear's away again, I'm left sprawled on the floor, feeling worse than I did in the first place.

I keep telling myself, I need too get a grip.
It feels as though te bubbley happy part of me is sinking in quick sand, and soon that part of me is going to be lost. But I can't find anyway too save it.

I know this should be the hapiest time of my life, but yet I'm finding myself more and more depressed:(
Co-moderator in the: Cystic Fibrosis Forums
 Woe to the child which when kissed on the forehead tastes salty. She is bewitched and soon must die.
 Diagnosed with: Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild liver cirrohsis, mild osteopenia. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type symptoms.
 Medication: Creon 10,000, Flucloxacillin, Vitamins A,D+E, Tobi nebuliser, Serevent, Salbutamol, Sertraline, Odansetron, Nefopam, Ciprofloxacin, Ursodeoxycholic Acid, Omeprazole.
Had a Port-a-cath fitted on chest wall since 11th Nov 05

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